What to do about girl at work?

[Dave 1984]

Sorry if this is long, but I really need advice.

I met this girl about a year ago at work, and since then, we have developed sort

of a romantic closeness with future potential. Trouble is, she has been in a relationship with her bf for about 4 years. All of this time I have known her, however, she has done nothing but complain about the guy -- talking about how he's cheated on her a year into their relationship, but she gave him another chance, only to complain about him being mean, controlling, and exhibiting various other infidelities still.

So soon after meeting her, she had apparently developed an attraction towards

me -- she would tell my friends (who also work there) about her strong feelings for me, (sexually and platonically).

Since then I have, over time, expressed my mutual feelings for her as well, saying that I see her as more than a friend, and would like to get in a relationship with her. Upon telling her these things, she has said she feels the same way, but says, "I like you too, but I just cant do anything about it right now". This particular conversation took place probably about 6 months ago. and I'm still in the same boat.

[Dave 1984]

Sorry, i dont know how to fit more text in a single post so heres a little more.

She still flirts with me frequently, and spends time with me outside of work and on the phone. she never talks about her bf except when i bring up my feelings and how she is trapped and all that other crap. She because increasingly sensitive about this topic anytime i mention it.

so recently i told her that i cant continue to hang out with her outside of work with the feelings that i have for her as long as she is still with her bf. She seemed VERY hurt by this and came to me in tears telling me "If you only understood how hard it is for me to leave him, even though i want to" and all that other stuff, and how she has never been alone, (this guy shes with is all she knows, and she's afraid of change). I told her i would maintain our close contact as long as she would try to leave him, to which she agreed. During the next few days, she has told him that she wasnt going to move in with him, as she had planned to, and as he expected she was going to this summer, but instead is moving in with two of her closest girl friends. Since then she still hasnt broken up with him, but is taking "baby steps" as she put it.

What do you guys think i should do? I really care about this girl, and i think about her constantly. I dont want to ruin any chance i might have with her,

as the more pushy i become about our situation, the less attractive i become,

as she has stated that as we already argue about that stuff, she wonders what it will be like once, and if, we get involved romantically.

I really need help... I know patience is a virtue, but i really dont want to get

hurt.

[onewithbooks]

Mmm my question is this, if she cant stand they guy why would she move in with him?

 

I appreciate the fact that she is taking baby steps and sometimes the best first steps are baby steps. I agree that you becoming pushy would not be wise, but maybe you could just be quietly supportive. Dont say things like "when are you going to leave that jerk" but take a different tone and say "so how are the plans going for moving in with your friends"? Maybe offer your help when she moves (if the bf is not there that is).

 

I would keep talking and keep listening, just as you are, and give her time. Let her know that you are here, but don't let it overrule your life. Take time out with other things, dont let it consume your thoughts. That will be hard because you really care for her, but if she doesnt break up with this guy fairly soon, you dont want to be super-invested in this situation and get your heart massively broken. I dont want to come off sounding rude or mean, that is not my intent. I have seen this situation a lot and I dont want to see you get more hurt than what could happen.

 

On the flip side, she could leave him and after some time, you two could get involved and have a beautiful relationship. I just wanted to give you 2 scenarios so that you could be prepared for the worst.

 

Take care!

LeAnn

[Dave 1984]

if she cant stand they guy why would she move in with him? -- She said that he

had wanted her to move in with him for the longest time, and she had said that living with would show her his true colors of what the relationship's future had in store.

By the way, I've never made the move of trying to kiss her, even though I've wanted to, under the front that it would be cheating. Do you think that if given the opportunity, i should maybe give her a taste ( so to speak) of what

she is missing out on, or should i steer clear of that and just hope that she leaves him without having seen what we could have?

[onewithbooks]

I would steer clear of that. If she is ready for you, then she is ready for you, and you will know it. It sounds like you are having enough doubts about it situation to warrant putting things on hold.

 

True moving in with him would do that for her, but it also might make them financially dependent on one another, and thereforeeee harder for her to move out when she realizes he isnt good for her.

 

Hang in there!