Jump to content

i need advice ASAP !!


kath123
 Share

Recommended Posts

i havent posted on here for a good while although i read other post often hoping i will find someone in a similar situation as myself..but today i really need advice as i am completely lost!

I will try to recap as briefly as possible: my partner of eleven years left me in sept 06 after meeting someone else,i was devastated., didnt plead or beg or even show him how bad i was,i put on a brave face at all times,i did no contact which was so incredibly difficult as we have two children together.,and following the advice of others on this site i wrote down all the things i was feeling good and bad for a long time,. Then at the beginning of december he began contacting me realising that he had made a mistake and how sorry he was,and how much he missed our life..

This came as a total shock to me as i truly thought he was happy with his new life.I didnt know which way to turn because even though the pain was still with me every day it had become less raw,and although i loved him deeply i didnt want to get hurt anymore.So i gave him this diary i had been keeping for the months since we parted so he could maybe understand a fraction of the pain he had caused,i still dont know if this was a bad move,but i added onto the last entry one sentence "after reading this,would you be prepared to put me back there" meaning back to the first devastating period of our break up.

When we spoke next he told me that he had no idea of the pain he had caused me,and that i had been very brave to let him read it.,as it was very private and heart wrenching stuff. and that he would leave me alone now because he would never ever risk putting me through any more pain.

But that didnt last, and we have since talked a great deal about our feelings for each other and wondered if there is any possibility of us ever being together again..If im honest it is what i want most in the world but i also know how hard it would be to trust him again. and he is very apprehensive of trying and failing and me being hurt all over again.

We have spent some time together,which at some times was awkward and other times very special, however we both feel very strongly that our children know nothing of our meetings as it would only raise their hopes that we are going to be a family again and it would be cruel if it didnt work.

However over the last few days ive been having doubts about whats happening, doubts about how he really feels and i think im setting myself up for more heartache,.and yesterday i confessed these doubts to him..He also has doubts he is so scared of "us" not working out, he has told me he is scared to be totally committed because even though he loves me he did this terrible thing (infidelity) and does that mean he never really loved me enough in the first place! Im sure he loved me as much as i loved him for a very long time,we were so close and so very very happy,

So now we are both upset and frightened to let go of what could be our last chance for a reconcilliation,ive seen him twice today and he is so sad that ive told him i will speak to him later tonight when the kids are sleeping,but i just dont know what to say, im scared i'll regret not trying harder to make a go of things,but im also scared that he may not love me and want to be together as much as he should.

Are we both asking for too much too soon or am i being unrealistic to even think we could be together again,.

I just know i miss him so much and want my family back!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey kath-

 

That was one of the ballsiest moves I have heard of letting him read your diary like you did.

 

Of course there is going to be a ton of confusion, doubt, fear, etc. in a situation like this. Those feelings are normal and the existence of such is largely out of your control.

 

What you can control here are two things: how you deal with these feelings and your efforts to identify and address the issues which caused the infidelity. Those are the two things you can productively focus on here in this monumentally difficult situation, especially with your children involved.

 

And I wouldn't hesitate to dig deep into why he left the situation he left you for with questions. You don't want to be a fall back plan here, you need to be convinced that was a mistake and conviction in such an idea will be key for you here I think.

 

So someone has to take the reigns of this situation here amongst the overwhelming negative feelings and it may as well be you. So when you see him next, start focusing on solutions, small, specific, attainable solutions vs. adding to the inherent amount and depth of problems here. At any rate, this process will take time and won't be easy. Expect it and communicate this to him as well.

 

I personally don't think it is unrealistic to expect a reconciliation. It will take time to get figure out your own methods to cope with each of your own feelings here and will take a patient teamwork approach to this.

 

I think this has a valid chance and I sincerely wish you and your family the best with this. We'll be here for you...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow kath, what a horrible position to be in. :sad:

 

This is my opinion: Any relationship runs the risk of 'failing'. No matter who we are with, there is always a chance that something will happen - a change of feelings, growing apart, a third party - that will unravel the relationship.

So firstly you have to realise this - no matter if you are with your ex, or with someone new...there is a chance that you will have your heart broken. Every relationship is a gamble (God, how I wish it wasn't.)

 

Having said that, I understand that the length of your relationship and the fact that you have kids together with your ex raises the stakes in regards to what you are putting 'on the line'. And I can certainly identify with you being reluctant to put yourself in a position to be hurt again by the same man.

 

There is often a line used on the boards (I think it may have been DN that posted it) that is: "Make sure that the issues that lead to the break-up no longer apply".

Never has there been a case where this is more appropriate than yours. I think you *need* to find the reason why the relationship fell apart, and see if it is 'fixable'. Then you have to decide if you *want* to fix it.

 

What reasons were there for the break-up:

Was it boredom?

Did you get together at a young age and he now wants to spread his wings?

Did you focus on being parents and not pay as much attention to being a couple?

I'm not asking you for answers, I'm just throwing things out there - it is up to you and your ex to identify why your relationship ended, and then decide what to do to avoid it happening again.

 

THAT is the best chance you have of making it work - but as I said, there are no guarantees with any relationship. So it really does come down to whether you are willing to risk it. That risk will always be there, no matter what.

 

I do want to say that the fact that your ex is being honest and letting you know that he is apprehensive is admirable on his part - I know of many that would make all sorts of promises (no matter how unrealistic) just to get the chance. He, on the other hand, is taking your feelings into consideration and is not jumping at the selfish option.

Likewise, I think you are handling yourself superbly - you aren't rushing into anything (as much as your heart probably wants you to) and are taking a logical, sensible approach - you may feel weak...but believe me, you are anything but.

 

There is no right answer here kath - it is still about you weighing up the pros and cons and the risk versus the reward.

 

If you go back to him then yes, you run the risk of going through hell again...but if you don't go back, would you be able to cope with wondering "What if?".....

Either way, this is a big decision - and I'm sure I don't have to tell you to take your time.

 

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

However over the last few days ive been having doubts about whats happening, doubts about how he really feels and i think im setting myself up for more heartache,.and yesterday i confessed these doubts to him..He also has doubts he is so scared of "us" not working out, he has told me he is scared to be totally committed because even though he loves me he did this terrible thing (infidelity) and does that mean he never really loved me enough in the first place! ... I just know i miss him so much and want my family back!!

 

Any relationship runs the risk of 'failing'. No matter who we are with, there is always a chance that something will happen - a change of feelings, growing apart, a third party - that will unravel the relationship.

 

What you can control here are two things: how you deal with these feelings and your efforts to identify and address the issues which caused the infidelity. Those are the two things you can productively focus on here in this monumentally difficult situation, especially with your children involved.

 

Especially with kids involved ... you both need to be very sure. And I agree with frisco dj that you will want to make sure you are the steward of this process if this is what you choose to do. After what has occurred, his statements and your feelings to get him back and the family back together will not be sufficient before bringing the kids back in the loop.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would say therapy. If thats not an option, i would ask him why he cheated on you. Thing is, if your both scared it wont work, your on the right path. It sounds weird, but it means your taking it slow and causious. As long as there are no red flags, i would start to deal with the issues one by one and see where it goes from there.

 

Some guys cheat just for an ego boost or to try someting new. It's scummy, and sucks If he's afraid he is going to cheat again, then he needs to figure out how not to. Usually that takes him finding out if its situational, or if he's going out activly looking or what.

 

You are going to be afraid. If you give into your fear, your never going to know. I would make it clear that this is the last chance, because of the cheating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Polarity Secrets to Attracting Love that Makes you Magnetic AF
      In this video, I'm going to show you the 5 most powerful ways to create polarity in order to attract love. Think of it like a magnet. If you have a magnet, it is going to attract, but also repel based on its polarity. If you have a positive and a positive and you put them together, guess what's gonna happen? They're going to repel each other. Same with a negative and negative. But when you have a positive and a negative, they clink right like this. The key to attracting love is embodying your own sense of polarity, which really is the authenticity of who you really are, letting go of what you are not so that you can attract love easier than ever. These are things that completely transformed my own life.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 10 Signs You Are Fake Happy
      Are you happy, or are you putting on a fake smile? Fake happiness can be hard to detect, but if you know the signs you can spot it.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Do You Gaslight Yourself?
      Do You Gaslight Yourself?
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...