I really need help! I am Desperate

[confused_lady]

Hi everyone!

 

I am new to this forum and I am desperate for some help.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months and we have been living together for 2 months. We are fine together. He is nice, sweet, good looking. I am terribly in love with him. However I found out something that is really driving me mad.

 

Last sunday he kind of confessed that Transgender and transformations turns him on. He reassured me that there is nothing to do with his sexuality, it is just that he has a fantasy/ curiosity/ Fetish for transformations of gender. He showed me the following link: link removed

and made me read one of the stories.

 

Basically on this site there are pictures of good looking women and next to it a story saying that woman is actually a man who turned into a girl. Also if you click on the story link there are several Fiction stories of men who 'magicaly' turned into women and describes in details how it is to have sex in the new body.

 

I have been trying to deal with this in the best possible way. Although it was a shock I did not say anything. He asked me if I had any questions. At the time had so many questions in my mind (and still have), but because of the shock I wasn't able to ask him.

 

I don't know what to think of it. In addition to it, he also confessed that sometimes he tries women's clothes. He confessed putting on my bra and knickers when I was not around.

 

He says it is just a fantasy and curiosity, nothing that I should be worried about. However this is easier said than done.

 

After this happened, it was 4am, we went to bed and we had the most amazing sex. However I cant stop thinking about it. I am becoming a bit paranoid and I think that everytime he is at home by himself that he will try my clothes or that he is reading stuff about it on the internet.

 

I have been put off a little bit from having sex with him. I used to love to see him naked but now everytime he is naked in front of me the terrible thoughts of his fantasy comes to my mind and I get a repulsive feeling but of course I dont show it.

 

Can someone give me some advice on how to deal with this? I havent been able to live a normal life since this came up... I cant eat... and I cant even sleep properly.

 

Thanks so much!

[Day_Walker]

I think that this could potentially extend beyond the realm of fantasy for him because if he is actively trying on womens clothes then it makes me seem that there is more to the story. Unfortunately you do not know how far this is going to extend. I would want to find out if your bf has feelings of wanting to change his gender and going through the whole process. Of course you cannot directly ask these questions because he wont answer them honestly. I think you also have to ask yourself what you are willing to put up with and be prepared if this is more than fantasy.

[EvaGina]

Explore it with him?

even if it doesnt turn you on, the things that scare us most are unknown.

If you understand it, then you wont be afraid of it anymore.

 

I am proud of him for telling you, a guy I dated had never told his ex about his woman's panties fetish... and they had been engaged. It takes a lot of minerals to admit somthing like that.

 

So, I say, grit ya teeth and get into it, if, after giving it a FAIR try, your still not comfortable with it, then let him explore it on his own but as him to keep it separate from you.

 

If you want to make it work, you HAVE to approach it with an open mind.

and whatever you do, dont try to force him out of it, its cruel.

[confused_lady]

I think that this could potentially extend beyond the realm of fantasy for him because if he is actively trying on womens clothes then it makes me seem that there is more to the story. Unfortunately you do not know how far this is going to extend. I would want to find out if your bf has feelings of wanting to change his gender and going through the whole process. Of course you cannot directly ask these questions because he wont answer them honestly. I think you also have to ask yourself what you are willing to put up with and be prepared if this is more than fantasy.

 

What you said are exactly my fears. He assured me that it does not go anywhere beyond fantasy. But I know I will never be sure. That's why I am so confused.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I commend your boyfriend for coming forward with this. IMO, this took a lot of courage and big leap of faith. I feel it is wonderful he walked you through this website and even asked you if you had any questions about it. That's wonderful.

 

Perhaps you are repulsed by it because you do not understand it. So, perhaps researching this on your own. This is not an uncommon as you think. I am sure there is a ton of information on these types of fantasies and fetishes. I guess this begs the question, is this something you can live with and are okay with? Perhaps do your own research and educate yourself with this matter and see how you feel.

 

I am trying to imagine what I would do if it were me and I think the first thing I would do is research it and see how I am with it once I have a grasp of it and understand it better.

[confused_lady]

Explore it with him?

even if it doesnt turn you on, the things that scare us most are unknown.

If you understand it, then you wont be afraid of it anymore.

 

I am proud of him for telling you, a guy I dated had never told his ex about his woman's panties fetish... and they had been engaged. It takes a lot of minerals to admit somthing like that.

 

So, I say, grit ya teeth and get into it, if, after giving it a FAIR try, your still not comfortable with it, then let him explore it on his own but as him to keep it separate from you.

 

If you want to make it work, you HAVE to approach it with an open mind.

and whatever you do, dont try to force him out of it, its cruel.

 

 

Hello Eva_gina

 

Thanks a lot for your comments.

 

To be honest, it was not very easy to get this out of him. It all started with me being silly and asking him if he would like to be transformed into a woman (Until now I dont know why I asked this... I really dont... it came out of the blue) and he was so shocked that he didnt know how to react and based on that I guessed there was some truth behind it. I confronted him, he said he was not ready to talk about it. I said I was leaving cos I wouldnt be able to live and sleep with someone who I didnt know. After all this and a very heated argument he came clean and showed stuff that he likes to read. He said that this was one of his 'darkest secrets' and that he had NEVER talked to anyone about it. He says he felt violated because I didnt respect the fact that he was not ready to talk about it.

 

Your advice is much appreciated and I am willing to try it out. I am willing to approach this whole use with an open mind. But how can I do this? How can I explore with him?

[confused_lady]

Hi Keelbell

 

Thanks for your answer. As I replied to Eva it was not very easy to get it out of him. It was by accident really.

 

As for the research that is exactly what I have been doing for the last 4 hours and it is even confusing me more. I dont know what to think of it... I dont know if I can live with it I want to... but everything is so confusing....and I love him so much....

[jsx730]

Best way to explore it would probably be to have him dress up for you.

 

Chances are he never would have told you if you hadn't sorta brought it up. It is possible to keep things like this to yourself and not let them affect any other aspect of your relationship.

 

Don't sweat it, see if you can have fun with it, and if not, ask him to keep it to himself.

[EvaGina]

Oh dear.

I dont know if that was really the way to go about things

I see your point of view, but bullying him into telling you is not really the best way to gain his trust.

 

Many men are content with just dressing up now and then and wearing womens panties under their jeans... it is a lot more common than you think.

 

To be honest, I would just leave it. Try to understand that he is battling this as well. however scary it is for you, its FAR worse for him, especially as he wasnt ready to open up to you and you manipulated him into it.

[confused_lady]

Oh dear.

I dont know if that was really the way to go about things

I see your point of view, but bullying him into telling you is not really the best way to gain his trust.

 

Many men are content with just dressing up now and then and wearing womens panties under their jeans... it is a lot more common than you think.

 

To be honest, I would just leave it. Try to understand that he is battling this as well. however scary it is for you, its FAR worse for him, especially as he wasnt ready to open up to you and you manipulated him into it.

 

TO be perfectly honest I regret doing it. I think I was better off not knowing about it. But now it is too late. He said to me that it was very difficult to talk about it but I forced him to do it. I know it is far worse for him.... but I am having difficulties in leadinng a normal life now. This has been 24 hours in my mind. Sometimes I start crying cos it was such a let down.... I just do not know what to deal with it at all!

[Beec]

I think his fantasy is not so uncommon as you might think. If you had read as many erotic stories as I had in my youth and early twenties, you would have seen quite a few of these in some rather well-known publications, definitely Penthouse in the 1980s, while i was in college. If you picked up a copy of the Villag Voice in NYC, in the back you would find a section with lots of pictures of those offering "bodywork", whihc is only a euphemism for prostitution. There is a section of offering the services of women, men and "shemales", which is the second largest. How many men go as far as he has in trying things on, I cannot tell you. How many and waht kind of man would call an ad for one of the shemales, I cannot tell you either, but they are there, and somebody must call them. So, it's not that uncommon a thought.

 

Your real questions should not be about what's in his head (it may be in any number of guy's heads), but about how far will he go, to what limits will he restrict himself and agree to, and to what extent you might humor his fantasies. If he can legitimately and honestly tell you that he would never transform himself or walk out of doors cross-dressing, AND HE HAS BEEN HONEST, then why wouldn't you believe him. If you can gt him agree to no more wearing of your stuff, maybe buy some for him if he wears them only when you are not there. Or maybe, you get into it. Maybe you get into it and engage in some play with you and him pretending to both be lesbians or something.

[zerohalo]

So you forced him to reveal something he wasn't ready to, and now you're repulsed by it which is no fault of his own. Harsh.

 

You have to talk to him, ask questions, and be understanding. If this was his darkest secret, you have to put your own dark feelings aside and be there for him. You dragged this out, you have to be the bigger person and be willing to listen and at least try to understand.

[EvaGina]

TO be perfectly honest I regret doing it. I think I was better off not knowing about it. But now it is too late. He said to me that it was very difficult to talk about it but I forced him to do it. I know it is far worse for him.... but I am having difficulties in leadinng a normal life now. This has been 24 hours in my mind. Sometimes I start crying cos it was such a let down.... I just do not know what to deal with it at all!

 

Are you willing to explore it with him?

Figure our what YOU want, without changing him.

Can you deal with it, do you want to try? or do you want to ignore it.

 

Then sit him down and talk to him about it. Dont attack him, praise him for being honest with you and apologise for bullying him.

 

then figure out, together, what you would like to do about it

[confused_lady]

Thanks Beec for your input.

 

That is one of the things that go through my head. How common is it to have these fantasies?

He has been very honest about the whole thing. Because I even asked him why he told me the truth? He could have easily lied to me about it... he could have said yes... I am into it in a jokingly way and he knows I wouldnt make such a big deal out of it. He said that he cannot lie to me. When I asked the silly question in a joke way he said that I was looking straight into his eyes.. and that he is not the kind of person that lies about stuff. Fair play to him... at least now I know that I can trust him.... but that doesnt get the idea out of my head... and I am a bit embarrased to touch the subject again...

[EvaGina]

Your going to have to live with and get over your embarrassment... its selfish, seeing as HES the one who feels he cant be open with his fantasties.

[confused_lady]

So you forced him to reveal something he wasn't ready to, and now you're repulsed by it which is no fault of his own. Harsh.

 

You have to talk to him, ask questions, and be understanding. If this was his darkest secret, you have to put your own dark feelings aside and be there for him. You dragged this out, you have to be the bigger person and be willing to listen and at least try to understand.

 

I know I did something bad... and I am not pround of it.. and to be honest I wish I hadnt found it out.

 

I feel repulsed by the fantasy itself as I dont know to what extend it affects his life.

 

I am willing to listen... and I am here trying to get some help on how to deal with it.... and try to understand it.

 

Please do not judge me....

[kellbell]

"How common is it to have these fantasies?"

 

According to one of psychology classes, "Human Behavior and Sexuality", this is fairly common and most men whom have these fanatasies, only act them out, if even that.

[confused_lady]

Your going to have to live with and get over your embarrassment... its selfish, seeing as HES the one who feels he cant be open with his fantasties.

 

I am embarrased because I know I bullied him to tell me.

Although I was shocked when he told me I did not show it and I showed support (although in my mind I was soooo confused.. and still am). I didnt make a big deal out of it... and said.. OH ok.. so this is your fantasy.... nice!

 

But deep inside me I had all these horrible thoughts that just dont leave me alone.

 

How do you think I could explore it?

[zerohalo]

It's not so much a matter of judgement, and I'm sorry that my post came off that way. The fact that you're trying to get some input on how to make this better is a really good step. What I was trying to get accross is that as bad as this is for you, it's going to be worse for him. He had a dirty secret that he shared with someone he loved and trusted, and just like you don't want to be judged by us, it's going to be a million times worse if you judge him.

 

Ask a lot of questions, but don't be confrontational about it at all.

[confused_lady]

"How common is it to have these fantasies?"

 

According to one of psychology classes, "Human Behavior and Sexuality", this is fairly common and most men whom have these fanatasies, only act them out, if even that.

 

Hi Kellbell

 

Thanks for that. That's exactly what he said.... thats it is nothing more than a fantasy...... but how can I be so sure?

 

Doing the research as you said... I found out terrible stories...

[zerohalo]

Hi Kellbell

 

Thanks for that. That's exactly what he said.... thats it is nothing more than a fantasy...... but how can I be so sure?

 

Doing the research as you said... I found out terrible stories...

How can you be sure? Talk to him. Ask him. You have to trust him at some point, otherwise it's over.

[EvaGina]

I am embarrased because I know I bullied him to tell me.

Well, thats good then

 

How do you think I could explore it?

Do it with him?

Go shopping with him?

start off slowly, as him what kind of things he likes... what underwear he tried on, that kind of thing.

 

I have been thorugh this too, I was weirded out as well, I got into it, encouraged him (I never saw him in panties or anything, but I bought him "knickers" history books and things) and now I kinda like the idea.

If you are included it will seem less alien.

 

EDIT: what are these "terrible stories"?

[confused_lady]

It's not so much a matter of judgement, and I'm sorry that my post came off that way. The fact that you're trying to get some input on how to make this better is a really good step. What I was trying to get accross is that as bad as this is for you, it's going to be worse for him. He had a dirty secret that he shared with someone he loved and trusted, and just like you don't want to be judged by us, it's going to be a million times worse if you judge him.

 

Ask a lot of questions, but don't be confrontational about it at all.

 

Thanks for making it clear!

 

As I said I am here looking for help on how to deal with it.

 

I didnt judge him at all.. and I have been trying not to do so.

 

As I said .. I am embarrased to ask questions.. and even to bring up the subject again.... I dont want to sound confrotational.. I know that at this moment he doesnt need to be judged he needs someone to be understanding.

 

As this is all new to me I just dont know how to deal with it.

[confused_lady]

Well, thats good then

 

 

Do it with him?

Go shopping with him?

start off slowly, as him what kind of things he likes... what underwear he tried on, that kind of thing.

 

I have been thorugh this too, I was weirded out as well, I got into it, encouraged him (I never saw him in panties or anything, but I bought him "knickers" history books and things) and now I kinda like the idea.

If you are included it will seem less alien.

 

EDIT: what are these "terrible stories"?

 

 

I thought about it... but at the same time that I dont want to judge him.. I am afraid that if I encorage him it will start dominating our life.

 

Have you been throught it too? Oh... I thought I was the only one..... Do you mind sharing your experiences with me?

 

The horrible stories are of people who started like this.. and ended up being travestites.... and started having double lives... I just dont want this to happen. I know I have to trust him... but I am really struggling at the moment.

 

EDIT: Actually... long before I asked the question, after only 3 months we had been together, I asked him to try one of my panties... and he did.. and I laughed it off. On another circumstance I asked him to put on my Bra... and he didnt.

[EvaGina]

Thanks for making it clear!

 

As I said I am here looking for help on how to deal with it.

 

I didnt judge him at all.. and I have been trying not to do so.

 

As I said .. I am embarrased to ask questions.. and even to bring up the subject again.... I dont want to sound confrotational.. I know that at this moment he doesnt need to be judged he needs someone to be understanding.

 

As this is all new to me I just dont know how to deal with it.

 

He is probably sitting there DESPERATE to know what you think about it, but too scared to bring it up.

 

What I would do would be to go up behind him, wrap my arms around him, kiss him on the neck/cheek and whisper "You know I love you, you can tell me anything, you know that. Im really sorry I forced you to tell me, if you ever want to talk about it with me, you know you can, right?" and keep cuddling him.

 

If he doesnt say anything, dont press for an answer, just let him think, its ok