Need some advice, or at least acknowledgment that someone cares enough to read.(LONG)

[Scrembledeggs]

Well, let's see if I can get through this without ditching and closing the window...whenever I get to writing out my thoughts, as I re-read them they begin to seem ridiculous and I generally get rid of whatever I've written. The members of this forum genuinely seem to offer something 'from the heart', so I'll try my best to lay it all out there and actually post this.

 

I guess it's best to start from the beginning. I met "N" when we were both attending the same college. She was a Freshman, and I was a Senior. The connection was apparant almost immediately, and within DAYS, I had broken up with the girl that I was seeing at the time, and N and I were inseperable. She would only spend time in her dorm to shower (the facilities at my fraternity were a little on the filthy side) or when she had an important paper / test to prepare for. Within a few weeks, we were both saying "I love you", her for the first time in the context of boyfriend/girlfriend, me meaning it for the first time.

 

Our relationship stayed strong through my senior year. Our social lives were pretty much completely intertwined; all the same friends, same activities. We were a definite "item", but nobody resented us for it. We'd butt heads and get in stupid arguments, but resolution always came quickly. After graduation, I accompanied her and her parents on a vacation to Puerto Rico to stay with her grandparents, and really felt a connection to her family unlike I had with previous girlfriends.

 

Fast forward..our time during her Sophomore and Junior years was split between her spending weekends at my place (consisting of relaxing and watching movies, getting takeout, generally spending domestic time together), and me coming back to my Alma Mater (Partying, catching up with her friends and my undergraduate friends). We also had a healthy amount of time to see our own friends during the week and certain weekends, and the balance seemed to be good. This arrangement worked well for both of us. She stayed around with my family for Easter, and I made it out to visit her family for BBQs or wine tastings as I could.

 

This fall, the problems began. We started arguing more and more, and I began to realize that a lot of it was stemming from the fact that her attitude toward me was starting to change. She used to tell me that the whole week, she was just sailing through waiting for the weekend to spend time with me. She would also tell me that she loved me so much it was 'scary'. It's weird, but in a certain way, we shifted places a little bit. Now that I look back, I used to be 'along for the ride' in the relationship, because it was a good thing, it was consistent, and there was nothing to complain about. She used to be MADLY IN LOVE with me. There was probably a point where we met half-way..I wish I had recognized that and had some way to hold on to it. More recently, the effort and the desire seems to have shifted more to me, and she has been just sort of going along with it.

 

Eventually, after some miserable weekends together (interspersed with absolutely wonderful weekends together), I confronted her to figure out what was going on with her. Her reply was (and I'm sure you all saw this one coming) that she couldn't define it, but something in her had changed, she didn't feel the same way about me, about us anymore. She knew that she still pictured her future with me, and we just decided to keep an eye on it and try to address problems as they happened.

 

In the meantime, talk about where she was going after her graduation came up, and we spoke seriously about her desire to move in with me, and the (in our eyes) inevitable path that followed with that. We discussed it as a positive, very much so, and as stress with work and other aspects of life came to me, this thought became sort of a 'light at the end of the tunnel', a representation of something to work for, to strive toward.

 

In November, after more good times, but some increasingly bad times, where we were both just agitated being around each other at some points, N told me that she needed a 'break' to sort things out. She felt like she never had a chance to discover who she was, because between being barely 18 and 21, more than 3/4 of her college experience, her entire identity had been completely tied to mine. She had no idea who she was, and this was compounded with the fact that she had no idea what she wanted to do after college, had no car, felt very dependent on me, and had a very fuzzy overall picture of the future. A slighter concern (that I brought up, more or less) was that she never had the chance to have college "fun", going out with little or no responsibility, and not feeling like you have a curfew or 'rule set' imposed upon you by being tied to a relationship. I, on the other hand, had experienced 3 full years of college craziness without a real serious relationship. It was presented with a focus on the identity, the independence, and she vehimently denied that it had anything to do with a specific desire to 'hook up'. (I believe her, by the way...that's not really her style).

 

Long story slightly less long, the break started on a Wednesday, I went completely insane and couldn't sleep well/at all for the rest of the week, and by Sunday I presented a heartfelt summary of my short but terrible experience, and we decided to give it another shot, to find the part of her that was missing together, not by 'shunning' each other.

 

The past 3 months have consisted of alternating steps forward and backward for our relationship. Great times, and not so great times. People would still compliment us on how great of a couple we were, and I think we both would have agreed a lot of the time. We felt a lot closer over the holidays, and when we both returned from our post-Christmas travels, we resolved to make even greater efforts to stay strong and together. Again, there were times that everything seemed to be falling into place, and times that it seemed like a complete bust.

 

When driving N back to school this past Sunday, I asked her for an update on how she felt we were doing. This turned into a fight...a BIG fight...basically a screaming match (not so smart while driving along a canal road in the winter). She told me that, though she loved me still as a person, she wasn't sure she was in love with me anymore, that our picture of the future was starting to fade from her mind, and she didn't see how we could work it out, as she was trying and trying to make things better. Immaturely, I told her off, and ran down everything that had ever annoyed me about her, slammed the door, and drove home. Later that evening (instead of watching the Superbowl), I begged, I pleaded, I asked her to just please reconsider...and so on.

 

After I calmed down, we talked some more, and agreed on a break. Time together had not allowed either of us to gain anything, so we needed to take time apart, so that N could "see what it was like to really be on my own". She again stressed that going out and hooking up, being free from ties of having to be faithful had no basis in her decision, but was also steadfast that imposing 'rules' would just make her feel boxed in, like she would have to be constantly on her guard. So that was the decision. We were effectively broken up, but the situation could be reevaluated and given another try if she felt like she had made a big mistake. We also agreed to talk occasionally, and see each other 'after a little while', basically figuring out the other aspects as they came up.

 

Sunday night and Monday - Wednesday were absolute hell. I must have checked email, facebook and myspace every 5 minutes, ALL DAY. Again and again and again, waiting for some sort of change, some sort of contact, some sort of reason to villify her or SOMETHING. My mood would swing, based on the fact that it's early enough for me to be in a good mood for a little while based on sheer denial, or effectively forgetting that it happened, of course the backlash from this is severe.

 

Last night, she IMed me, about the new episode of LOST, no less. Feeling like I had respected her space by waiting for her to contact me, I told her that we needed to talk. My planned 45-second 'brief and aloof' conversation ended up being 45 minutes, and although I didn't beg, plead, or make myself come off as too pathetic, I made my feelings known a little more than I wanted to. I ended up imposing an informal "Limited Contact" policy between us, to give me less reason for undue hope, as well as less reason to pick over every word to try to pry out some meaning that may not be there. To sum it up, I told her that if she felt like saying something to me, send me an email or leave me a voice message. If I felt like it deserved a response, I would provide one. The ultimate goal, of course (and I told her this) was for her to tell me when there had been a change in her unsure feelings; when she decided that we were definitely over OR that we deserved another shot, she should get ahold of me. I stressed that there was no minimum amount of time before I would listen to either, but there was a maximum...I am not likely to put up with the feeling of waiting for longer than a month or two at the longest. She seemed to agree, we said goodnight, and that was that.

 

Wow...I've written quite a lot. My sincere thanks to anybody willing to read this whole thing. The summary of our history was as much for me as it is for you guys. I needed to write this down. Sigh (of relief and heartache at the same time..heh).

 

Since I desperately need to get back to my work, I will finish in bullet form.

 

-Genuinely hopeful that she will realize that this is a mistake (several people have told me that I'm the best thing to ever happen to her, and she will soon come running back)...BUT I KNOW I SHOULDN'T RELY ON THIS!!

 

-Worried that I won't be able to keep up with not contacting her...staying away from AIM / Facebook (and the hopes and fear associated with every LETTER OF EVERY WORD / EVERY PICTURE) is really very hard for me to do, especially since I work at a computer all day long.

 

-Terrified of what she will say whenever she does contact me.

 

-Worried that my "light at the end of the tunnel" is gone, and feeling a lack of purpose.

 

-Working all day, followed by 2+ hours at the gym 4-6 days a week still can't seem to distract me for more than a few minutes.

 

-Feeling like WHATEVER happens, her perspective will change SHARPLY once she graduates, and the life that we hoped for together will become very appealing once again...is there any way to get that through to her, though??

 

-Does she really just deserve to be 'free' for the last 3 1/2 months of college...is it even really what she wants?!

 

-Is it time to try to move on?....CAN I??

 

-Should I come back in a week or two looking for some sort of update...how long does it take to gain perspective and see what you are really like without the other?

 

 

Again, I thank anyone for their advice, and will keep up with this thread if need be (I promise not to write nearly as much in the future, but that's literally everything that I could think of right now...feels a little better to let it out)

[ImThatGirl]

I'm So sorry for your heartache! The "not knowing" is the worst in my opinion. I just want to know - should I hold onto hope or am I gone from your mind and future!

 

It sounds like you have made good decisions on getting through this phase. I think the limited contact will be helpful. You did make it clear that your relationship being over is the last thing you want, right?

 

I think the best thing to do is just what you are doing. I think you should continue on with your life for now. And give her the space that she apparently needs to decide what she wants for her future. I'm afraid that if you push too much communication, you will push her further away.

 

Keep your Chin Up! I'm sorry I don't have much to offer as far as how to make it any easier!

 

Welcome to ENA by the way. You've found a great group of people that can relate and help you through this!

[Jayar]

It's never easy when someone we love stops loving us (if they ever truly did). We've all been there, or will be there at some point, I am convinced of that. I think the best thing you can do now is 100% NO CONTACT. Not limited contact. Not contact to tell you her cat died. Not even contact to tell you she's comfortable maintaining no contact.

 

This is for YOU to heal more than anything. Believe me, every time you talk to her and beg and plead, you are solidifying in her mind her desire to leave you (been there) and chances are you don't feel much better after talking to her, and feel you still have things you need to clarify based on what you said when you talked to her, right? (been there, too...)

 

No one here can tell you whether she will come back or not. But I can tell you that if she DOESN'T 100% want to come back, you won't be happy even if you do beg and plead your way back into her life. You can't make someone feel a way they don't. I think she handled this well, personally. She broke up with you, and wants to "experience life". You know, many women (and men) "experience life" while still in a relationship... Wouldn't that hurt more?

 

If you beg and plead your way back into her life, and she hurts you worse in the long run, don't say you weren't told.

 

You seem to be overly concerned that she will "experience life" with other guys. You know what? Probably! And it isn't easy to think about, but it is the reality. And if you accept her for what she now is to you (an ex) you will see that she is entitled to that. You miss her. She knows it. She also knows that you aren't missing her any less each day.

 

Shake her tree a little. Stop contacting her. Don't view her presense on the internet. She is DEAD to you. If what you had was truly amazing for her, she'll come back to you. If it wasn't, then she wasn't going to come back ANYWAY and you've spent time moving on instead of pining. No contact is a win-win.

 

I can't tell you why this happened, other than that you grew apart. Perhaps she was too young to be in such a serious relationship, or perhaps it finally started wearing on her that she was so in love with someone who was at the time just coasting along. It would wear on anyone. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. You are just not for each other. Being single frees you up for finding the person that you ARE for.

 

Remember, man plans... God (or fate, whatever you believe in) laughs!

 

Best of luck!

[Wandering_Sword]

Welcome to ENA. Sorry to hear about the limbo that you're floating around in, but thankfully (from what you have written) did not make the common mistakes of a person going through a breakup. Only thing you can do is sit back and give her the space that she requested. Anything else could potentially drive her away. So the only thing you can do is continue what you're doing.

But if the need arises keep posting to get stuff off your chest. We're here for you and keep strong.

[Scrembledeggs]

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the replies...it's really comforting that there are people who are willing to 'listen' and offer advice. I've seriously been all over the place today. Up, Down, complete Denial, feigned acceptance of the inevitable...everything. I just hope I can stick to my guns and not crack (calling / checking facebook / whatever)...it really feels like what I would imagine addiction to a drug to be like...you look away for a second, and somehow you're already at her page looking for clues that probably aren't there and definitely won't help.

 

I don't think I can pull off 100% No Contact at this point, in the sense that I will read her email / listen to her voicemail when she decides she's got something important to say to me. This is No Contact in the sense that I will try with every ounce of effort that I have not to get ahold of her in any way until she makes it clear that she's ready to bring something to the table.

 

My problem is this: I tend to overanalyze things far too much (I'm sure that's not surprising)...so I'm beginning to question my own intentions and any 'up' feelings that I'm having at this point. The plan is that I'm cutting her out, but I fear that I'm allowing myself to buy into the idea that she WILL react to this, by 'remembering' all of the wonderful feelings that she has not been able to find as of late. I'm sort of looking at this as the positive side of an inconvenient situation, and I fear that subconsciously I'm only accepting it at all (only breaking down emotionally a couple of times a day, generally functioning) because I'm not willing to acknowledge that she may truly enjoy being single and may not be coming back. Put another way, a part of me is thinking 'If I'm patient with this, she'll come to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and will be back shortly...things will be better than ever, end of problem'. How do I let reality in? Should I just allow myself to think this way sometimes to cushion the pain? (I'm guessing no, as I'll fall harder if/when the answer is breakup for good). I just...I don't know how to rationalize this whole 'controlled no contact' thing as something for ME and not something to try to fix the relationship. I fear that I am incapable of looking at it as a way to move on.

 

On a potentially more positive note, I've been set up on a "not a date" this weekend with a girl I've never met. Strictly platonic intentions, but I am kind of excited at the prospect of actually properly meeting someone new (vs. randomly meeting people at bars or whatnot), as I've been hanging out with the same tight crowd of people (N included) for quite some time and we all pretty much know everything about each other. If we click, it could be a great opportunity to keep my mind away from the familiar. Maybe keeping contact with someone whom I haven't known for years will allow me to better distance myself from the problem at hand.

 

Finally, I'm worried about next Wednesday already. Everybody is going to immediately say "STAY AWAY FROM IT", but the temptation to send flowers or at least a (not overly gushy) card is pretty strong. Definitely a bad idea, right?

 

That's all I got for now....thanks very much again for reading / giving advice. This is theraputic, and I've never really had an outlet like this before.

[Wandering_Sword]

 

Finally, I'm worried about next Wednesday already. Everybody is going to immediately say "STAY AWAY FROM IT", but the temptation to send flowers or at least a (not overly gushy) card is pretty strong. Definitely a bad idea, right?

 

 

Yes, I think it is a bad idea. What say you all?

[ImThatGirl]

I only have a moment..... Just wanna send out well wishes to you for now!!!!

 

And say that - no - I don't think sending her a simple card or a simple flower is a bad idea.

This is all still new. You still care about her deeply. If you are going to feel bad about not sending something, then send her something. Just know that you may get a warm thank you from her or you may get nothing at all.

 

I don't think 100% no contact is for everyone and every situation. Meaning - I don't think you should be chasing after her and pressuring her right now but I don't think you should have to completely refrain from showing her you still care.

[Scrembledeggs]

Gonna try not to write a novel on this one, but here's a brief (for me) update on my situation...I can't believe that it's only been a little over a week TOTAL since this 'break' began, and 6 days since we last spoke on the phone. Feels like much longer, to say the least...

 

After vowing to have a good weekend and keep a positive perspective on things as much as possible, I had a great time out with friends Friday night (completely resisted any urges to 'drunk dial', and stayed in a good mood the whole time), and kept up a positive attitude (even thinking to myself that I could see myself moving on / "she doesn't know what she's missing" / other ideas in the same grain) on Saturday....until about 730PM, when I basically crashed physically and emotionally all at once. All of my energy slipped away from me, and I broke down, back to the "why, why why" thoughts, and concerns / suspicions....all that fun stuff...needless to say, the rest of the weekend was kind of soured as a result.

 

Monday morning, I checked my email, and found that I had received a Facebook "gift" from N on Sunday night. Kind of a strange concept, but it's a little icon with a (private in this case) message attached to it. The gist of it was this:

 

she was missing me, sorry for breaking the "no contact" rule that we had, wanted me to know that she thinks of me, and hopes I'm doing ok...

 

(As a sidenote: I was able to resist the extreme urge to 'check up on her' facebook page, which I considered to be quite a feat).

 

So now I don't know WHAT to do!! I'm back to having compulsions to check my emails every 5 minutes, and really, REALLY tempted to give up this whole self control thing and get back on Facebook / AIM. What it comes down to is that I asked for an answer on our situation to be our next real contact, and she hasn't given me that. She's just given me a reason to....feel bad for her (?!)...which I don't think I should be doing at all!

 

I never did come to a decision about whether or not I will contact her tomorrow...I know I'm not getting flowers or showing up at her place or anything like that. But this 'gift' message thing leaves me even more torn...should I stick to my guns and show her that I mean business, that I will not allow her to 'string me along', even if she IS having a difficult time? Or should I show some sensitivity and at least send an e-card with an indifferently friendly message, along the lines of 'hope you are well, happy v-day' or something like that?

 

Just don't know what to do at all, or what to think...any advice on how to proceed from here?

[Wandering_Sword]

Stick to your guns man! Nothing for Valentine's Day, keep off of Facebook and don't respond to her email. Keep in control, it all sounds good now because your mind is cooking up possibilities of reconciliation. Unless she says something along those lines I would not bother with anything else.

[Scrembledeggs]

In an attempt to keep this one shorter than the rest (aka actually readable), I will bullet this update. Since I last posted, I:

 

-Didn't take anybody on this forum's advice

 

-Took the 'bait' (which wasn't bait, she just wasn't thinking of how it would affect me) of the "I miss you" contact she had sent me on Sunday

 

-Wrote a brief "It would have felt weird not contacting you today, call me when you want to TALK, not chat" email - And got a brief but pleasent response

 

-Went crazy all afternoon as a result; decided that I needed to know if there was any ANY hope; couldn't stop checking emails, borderline panic attack for the rest of the WORK day

 

-Called to 'clear things up'; didn't beg for her to take me back, but did demand some sort of insight into how this has been affecting her (she's been crying every night, sad, but still thinks this is what she needs, definitely NOT an immediate regret or immediate acceptance / happiness as a result of this; she didn't want to rule out the possibility of a future between us, but wasn't looking at this as a way to make us stronger - (SELFISH?))

 

-Told her I was closing the door, and that she may never see / hear from me ever again (which she didn't like, but was willing to accept - probably because she sees it as an empty threat); basically rationalized to her that if it was a "break", I would be living in false hope and never be able to truly move on, so I needed both of us to look at it as a breakup with some sort of finality

 

-Told her that although I wouldn't delete email or voicemail from her without reading or listening to it, by the time she is able to get her perspective or whatever, I will likely be a different person, and will not want her back

 

-Feel completely lost, as if I don't know where my life is going, what my life even is anymore. Am 100% convinced that the only reason I felt better last week / weekend is that I was using LC or whatever as a tactic, that I thought it would bring her back; DO NOT KNOW HOW to get it through my skull that I'm supposed to be doing something for me, because I can't get through any thought without it dead ending back into this situation. Don't understand the whole philosophy of empowerment and self improvement that's preached throughout these boards...I don't know what I'm supposed to be improving, what in my life needs any enrichment. All I know is that I don't enjoy being by myself, nearly every aspect of my life was geared toward interacting with that other person, making her happy, making her safe, making her future. Now I'm just LOST....I can't picture any of my jokes, my real personality, my LIVELIHOOD making any sense to some new girl, no less making her life better. How am I supposed to really be myself with a bunch of strangers?! I'm so confused, and all I can see in front of me is more work, add more to savings, keep up the routine, all of the responsibilities, but none of the things that really enriched my life. It's not even depression, it's just anxiety coupled with a feeling of pointlessness, unfulfillment.

 

I need some advice or something Please. I just don't get anything anymore.

[Scrembledeggs]

Any insight from anybody? I feel like I'm actually losing my mind and cannot find any positive in this (or anything, for that matter...everything just seems like a chore to get out of the way for the next chore...with no payoff at the end).

 

sigh...