Really regret Divorcing

[Jetta]

I don't really know where to begin with this but I have to release these feelings. I know I settled when I married, but I made the mistake then which had led to a major mess now and ultimately my breakdown and subsequent loss of my children.

 

Now I was losing my son before because I was very angry about having to make so many sacrifices for a child I never wanted in the first place. He didn't behave the way I expect children to behave, skipping school, running away, not listening, stealing, etc. He was 8 years old then. He has behavioral problems and well I was a young unhappy mother. Grandma has deemed him a problem child. I don't know what to say other than he's charming but awful all at the same time. I feared I was raising a criminal. Now you see why he's mostly gone from my life. All my awful words about him. However my actions were my attempt to create a normal family as much as possible..

 

His father and my parental rights were terminated (voluntarily in November), he's 11 now. I was shocked with how devasting this was to me. Emotionally I didn't realize how attached I really was because of the built up anger. Now I make sure to let him know he's loved. I still am allowed contact because of the strong bond we have, but it's minimal. He molested his younger brother so his dad didn't want him around and I was burned out after years of chaos.

 

The loss hit me a lot harder than I expected. While this was going on I was trying to find a job (still am as I'm only a temp.). Falling apart totally, psychotic break is what I was told I had and I have hit rock bottem (emotionally, financially, etc.).

 

In addition to that my ex IL's took temporary custody of my daughter and now I've lost her too. She's 4. I missed court because I just started a job, was semi-unaware of it (quit reading the court papers because I couldn't handle the stress). Now I've made matters worse. She was my joy, my dreamchild, the normal kid really. Both kids wanted to come home to me, but now that's just not an option. I'm barely on my feet. I have only 2 weeks left to file an appeal and it will take every dime I've made to do it.

 

That is why I wish I would have just stayed married. I wouldn't have the daughter issue, I could have grieved under a protective cover, and wouldn't have had all these additional problems. I still can barely cope with what's happening in my life. Making decisions isn't coming easy for me. I still don't know what to do with myself. I was a stay home mom for 3 years, had children around me for 10 years. Then nothing. I didn't even have a job to pour myself into. That was lost in February. Yeah I wasn't in my right mind when I left. Just felt pressured to go.

 

So now what? Well I always wanted to pursue singing so I'm looking into joining a band. Local bands are all ages. For the first time in my adult life I actually want to be settled, probably why were supposed to get stuff done in our twenties. I keep thinking about college, maybe marketing. I'm not outgoing but I'm full of ideas.

 

I just don't know what to do with myself now. I'm still recovering from the breakdown, trying to manuever this mess. Feeling very beat up, deveated, etc. I don't have my zest for life anymore. How do you pick up from this? I really feel like I should be dead now but I wake up everyday. I have muscle aches in my heart and I didn't have that before. Really I hope the end come soon for me. I don't know who I am anymore, what I want out of life. I've lost everything in a very bad way.

 

I'm now living with my mom sort of. She owns the house came down for Christmas and stayed. I'm sort of homeless. I have to sell or donate everything I own (mostly) because I have no where to put it. My mom went back this week to her real home and says she's returning. I'm staying in the house until it sells she says, or I get on my feet, whatever comes first.

 

It's a nice house and I'm not homeless, but my stuff isn't with me. My brother loaded his newly house with some of it. I donated a lot and am selling the rest. I'm filing bankruptcy (50K in debt, 1/2 is unisured medical expenses). My first filing of Medial Assistance wasn't approved. I know now I could get out of filing bankrupcy but my mom paid for it for me and the other dept is just too much for me to take on at this time. 27 in personal loans, credit cards, etc. I know I probably could figure it out (in my normal state, which I'm getting back to). But know it's best if I let it go.

 

Just a huge mess all because I left my marriage prematurely. Maybe we could have worked through it, who knows. Punishment from God perhaps.

 

Lord knows I leaned on my ex for a while to help me recover because I needed the friendship. He broke up with his girlfriend right about the time I was hospitalized. I told him I wanted to get back together but he's not interested in doing so he says. Mainly for my daughter. My mom doesn't want us back together. She said I was miserable, he's a bad husband (not a good provider for one thing), and to pick up the pieces and move on. Easier said than done. He's familiar and well he has my little girl.

 

I know this is long, not even sure if anyone will read it or what I'm expecting to hear. I just know that it feels better to release these thoughts/feelings.

[southerngirl]

My heart breaks for you. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. Just keep going. Let it hurt. Walk through the pain there is peace on the other side.

 

It sounds like your ex-husband may have done alot of punching down of your self esteem during your relationship. You have to believe in yourself again, love yourself. You have to find a way to pick yourself up and walk on. Your children need you. Both of them. You are their mother and that matters. You say you can still see them. Don't stop seeing them. They need you.

 

You lost your job? So get out there and find another one. Get a one room efficiency apartment if you can. Or rent a room from someone... once you find the job. it will make you feel great about yourself to live on your own means. Remember this. God will not give you anything that you cant handle, but you must save yourself...... you can do it.

 

 

Keep posting here. There is alot of support found here. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. image removed

[Jetta]

Thanks southerngirl. You gave me a little kick that I need. I applied for a couple more jobs today. I'm aiming for permanent now. It's a lot nicer to apply when you're working (semi secure). This job I'm at I hope they hire me permanently but I still plan to apply elsewhere, it's really not a place I want to stay longer than necessary.

 

I have supervised visits with my daughter 1 time a week for 2 hours. She tries the extended them in her little way. I'm thinking I have to fight to get regular visitation but I'm really not seen as stable yet so I'm worried about wasting the money. I know I'll regret not fighting so I guess that's my answer.

 

As for my son well I call weekly, and they were letting me see him once a month but the social worker stood me up the last couple times. I send e-cards (I'm so glad we got him set up with e-mail). Not sure if I can pick him up myself, I'd have to ask. I don't really understand why everything turned into supervised visits. I never harmed either of them or even threatened to. My ex is the one with child abuse on record. I'm still in shock really. I have no idea why this has happened to me, and can't believe it's real.

[boston23]

Hi Jetta-

 

Your story was tough to read, but it proves how strong you truly are. You have gone through sooo much, but you are continuing on and actively working to get your life back on track. You should be very proud of yourself!!

 

I agree, it sounds like your ex was not a good husband, and although it might seem that it would've been easier if you had stayed married, you now have the opportunity to get your self-esteem back...and your life back! In terms of seeing your children, just keep on doing what you have been doing: making sure that they know you love them and that you are proud of them.

 

In terms of seeing them, make sure that you keep track of the times that you see your children (and maybe how you think that they're doing and positive interactions you have with them) and especially when the social worker fails to show. DSS and the courts can be harsh about that kind of stuff, so at least if you have your own record DSS can't turn around and say that you failed to show, etc.

 

Keep on applying to those jobs and believe in yourself!! Everything will keep on getting better from here!