How do youever decide???

[daphdivorce]

I was so perfectly sure I wanted a divorce, for about a week. I didn't want to speak to my husband about it until I was sure, but it's been killing me. Then suddenly last night I started having doubts again. When I'm away from him, I'm very determined. When I see him, I can't hold it together. How on earth do people actually make the decision to do it? He's completely oblivious right now (he is totally not expecting this) and is treating me normally, all "sweetie" and everything. If anything he's called me so many more times than normal cause I think he feels something is up. This is just killing me. How do I do it?

[Desma214]

First you have totally skipped the part where you and your husband communicate, if you are wanting or even thinking about getting a divorce then obviously you arent happy with something and its not fair to him because you are his partner and are suppose to communicate instead he has no idea whats going on or even if something is wrong. I suggest you sit down and talk to him about it and explain why because it really isnt fair to him for you to keep this to yourself everyone deserves to be loved but its going to hurt him to know you havent spoken to him about this good luck.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

Do you want to talk about why you want a divorce?

 

Are you separated now?

[kermit]

You are not alone on those feelings....I feel the same way.

 

Bottom line: Are you better off without your spouse? As opposed to can I do this?

[hardcharger]

it is not a simple "am I better off with our without this guy" because when you marry, you enter into a covenant with society. society has created marriage and made it somewhat difficult to get out of it because there are positive benefits to staying together and is often detrimental to society to get divorced. Look at different cultures, those that have less divorce and more stable families are often stronger and weathier. the kids usually benefit from parents staying together and so do the grandkids and everyone else you know. there are many watching you, if you get divorced it makes it easier for them to get divorced too.

 

Of course I would love to drop my wife and go out sleeping with all kinds of different women. I am sure that I could find someone who understands me better and has more in common than my wife. I am completely sick of the bull*** she puts me through every day. Of course! Most of the people I know are in that situation. If everyone who that THEY would be better off got a divorce then instead of a 50% divorce rate it would be 80 or 90%, quite easily.

 

I am not totally against divorce and I might be in that situation myself someday. I absolutely know cases where divorce was the best long run outcome for all directly involved. With no kids it is and should be an easier decision. Less people are affected.

 

I am in my late 40's and I am literally Shocked by the number of 20 year marriages that I see falling apart, with mainly women starting the divorce and doing the filing. It seems like i have all these friends who are blindsided by women just tired of it all and wanting to start all over, and taking the money and running.

 

Are the cirucmstances such as there is not reconcilliation possible? If he is all nice and "sweetie" to you, do you just want to change men like a pair of shoes!

[daphdivorce]

umm, ok. guess i should have expanded. i was in so much pain when I wrote that I forgot to write-you can see my other thread "fell out of love, feel lost" to see my story.

 

just to briefly answer Desma214-this is not out of the blue, which you will see if you read my thread. He knows of the existence of our problems, he's been told many, many, many times how serious they are and I have come to a point where I'm realizing that I have begun to check out of the marriage because ultimately I do not love him enough to live with him for the rest of my life.

 

And hardcharger-he's nice and sweetie, yes, but don't forget it's all a package and I don't want the package anymore. And don't worry, there's no money to take and run. If anything, financially he'd benefit more from a divorce than I would.

 

my question is less "is my divorce decision justified?" and more "how do you deal with all the doubts and pain before making the decision?". hope that clears it up

[kermit]

I would say that if you're still having doubts and you are indecisive then it's not time. Unless you feel unsafe in your present situation, why not try to repair it and make sure it really is over? Six months or a year of trying is not a long time in the grand scheme of things.

[daphdivorce]

We've been trying to "repair" from the first day we met-that's about 3.5 years. I've just about had my share.

 

Am I to believe that I'm the only one with doubts and pain before a decision like this?

[kermit]

I would hope not, I consider it normal.

 

Is it possible you're not ready?

[hardcharger]

i read your previous post and with no children and a short marriage, maybe it is better getting out right now rather than spending the rest of your life with not chance of togetherness. But then as kermit said if you are having doubts and are indecisive maybe now is not the time. marriage is rough for a lot of us. but "out of love", i don't know how much i believe in love, i believe in marriage being a partnership more than love, a committment to each other, but then again my wife thinks i'm an insensitive brute with no feelings. but i try to make it work.

[daphdivorce]

That's what I'm wondering. Maybe a period of separation will help me clear my thoughts. And that way I can make it a little less harsh on him as well-although all my friends tell me that my compassion for him should not affect my decision. I can't even begin to imagine how people get out of marriages when children are involved-it must take such a huge amount of internal strength. Hats off to all of you out there who've done it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think everyone has lots of doubts before they divorce... and lots of doubts even if they stay married! i myself started to have doubts very soon after our wedding, but continued in the marriage for 7 years longer becuase i wanted to really try and make it work... but in the end... my discontent just bubbled to the surface and that was that, i threw in the towel... and i do wish i hadn't taken so long to divorce, but hindsight is 20-20, and we have to play it out one way or another rather than making snap decisions.

 

even if you decide to divorce, it was really hard the first year after the divorce, because there are so many emotions and ties in a marriage, and breakups solve one problem, but create a different set, like dealing with loneliness, bouts of regret, self doubt etc.

 

so maybe you just haven't hit your 'that's enough of that' quota in your marriage yet... and a trial separation is a good idea if you are really not sure where you want to go yet. if divorce is the right thing, i think you will have experiences that push you more towards the divorce, and if you really discover the opposite, you can try some more in the marriage...

 

btw, my ex and i separated, and i was still waffling and did not file for divorce until about 6 or 7 months months later... i was going back and forth in my head, and we had not decided to move forward with the divorce, until i got really ill one day with food poisoning, and asked him to help walk our dogs because i was too sick to stand up without almost passing out...

 

he offered to stop and get some something for me to drink because i was practically delirious from dehydration, and i said all i could probably stomach was 7-Up to try to get some sugar and re-hydrate... but as sick as i was, he took his time, showed up 2 hours later with DIET ROOT BEER because he said the drugstore didn't have 7-Up, and he didn't bother to even stop at another store on the way to get the can of 7-Up i asked for! i was upstairs so sick i thought i might have to go to the emergency room, and then he proceeded to sit downstairs and read the paper and complain he didn't want to get near me in case i had the flu rather than food poisoning, in case he caught something from me and got sick too!

 

so i had a real moment of clarity, even as sick as i was, like why am i even bothering feeling bad about leaving someone this self centered that he doesn't care if i am upstairs dying and can't make a second stop at a quikmart for a can of 7-Up because he is too lazy! there were lots of problems in the marriage that led to the separation, but there is always a straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak, and i went the next week to the lawyers to get the papers drawn up, no conflict at all at that point...

 

everyone's story is different and they have different issues when a marriage falls apart, but if divorce is the right option, there always come a moment of truth, where you realize you just can't do the marriage anymore. then you are no longer conflicted about it, and the task just becomes breaking the legal ties and the emotional conflict starts to recede...

 

so maybe you need more time and a separation to see whether you really want to still try, or if you are better on your own... but separation and divorce are not for the faint of heart either, so don't push it if you really haven't made up your mind yet, take your time and make the decision that is right.

 

best of luck, keep us posted!