Almost broke up now she's 100% sure she want's to be with me...

[datsallfolks]

My girlfriend is 20… I am 26. We have been dating for 2 years now, without any problems (small arguments, but nothing major or regularly). I am her first serious boyfriend; she is my first serious girlfriend since I was 19.

About six months ago she suddenly hit me with the “I need a chance to find myself” conversation. I quickly convinced her that all was fine and we went on with our merry lives (as I now find out, this was probably a mistake).

Last week she meets another guy. I decide that I have to give her space so I let her go… seven days later she comes back telling me how immature and needy this guy was… kept calling her non-stop, telling her how much he misses her, and that he loves her (and they knew each other less than a week). So she tells me that she was 100% sure she wants to be with me.

So I interpret this as her being 100% sure she wanted our relationship to continue. I decided I didn’t want to go through this again so the next morning at work (she works for me) I asked her if she was sure she would be happy being with me because her happiness is important. Once again she said she never wanted to leave me in the first place… but felt she had to experience.

A few hours later we are talking and she suddenly decides that she was wrong. That she doesn’t want us together and she is not sure. It was like a train wreck so sudden and unexpected. I didn’t know what to do or say. (I’m usually cool, calm and collected… but that’s because I’m usually prepared, I wasn’t prepared for this). I went off trying to reason with her, trying to understand… all that came out was crying and yelling (I hardly ever yell). She quickly left.

As the day went on I got more distraught over my reaction… I didn’t want her to think that I couldn’t accept her feelings, just that I didn’t understand them (and the sudden change of heart). I did what I could to avoid contacting her (for a whole 8 hours) drove around town aimlessly, went to the store, visited a friend of hers (My friends are not so local I can visit them, her friend said that she is crazy and needs to grow through this… but that she believed be belong together). So at the end of the night I finally contacted her (after everyone told me not to) just to tell her I was sorry and that I wanted to talk about things without the emotional rage.

She agreed and we talked for almost two hours. At first her original idea was that she wanted us to be “dating” again. Lately we had been like a married couple, I’d be at her house when she got home… would cook her dinner, we’d watch a movie, then whatever. She wanted me to start asking her out, taking her places, dropping her off and going home… I seriously considered this and though it would be a good idea but I wasn’t sure it addressed the problem.

Finally we got to the problem. She said she wanted to experience other people before she committed for the rest of her life, I responded that I didn’t want a commitment for the rest of our lives… I just wanted a commitment now. I’m not ready for marriage, and she sure as hell isn’t ready either. But like I mentioned before we were acting like a married couple. She responded that even though she is perfectly happy with our relationship that she wanted to date other guys so she could figure out over the next couple years if she really wanted to be with me… I responded by saying that if she was perfectly happy with our relationship why not stay in it and risk us not getting together in two years when she finally realizes she is happiest with me (I brought up the point that by then I could have moved on, changed as a person, anything could happen in 2 years). I was expecting her response to be something along the lines of she didn’t know if she was really 100% happy with me, but it wasn’t. Instead she agreed with me, said I had a good point, and that she wanted me to give her a couple days to think it over.

So my questions are… what am I doing wrong here? I’m sure there are a lot of things; just don’t know what they are. Is there any chance this works out? What should I do or say next? It’s not one of those situations where I can just not contact her… she works for me (no I didn’t start dating an employee; she needed a part-time job while in school… I hired her). Also is my logic correct? Her friend told me to let her go, forget her and in a month or two she’d come running back because she won’t find anyone better… I believe that to be true, the problem is a couple months I can handle, a couple years I can’t. Also would the “dating” idea she had work? Or would it just be a novel thing for a couple months before we were back where we are?

[Meow18]

There's one thing you are doing wrong. You are trying to convince her to stay in a relationship that she is not sure she wants to be in.

 

This has nothing to do with what you are doing wrong as a boyfriend. You aren't doing anything wrong, she just wants to to do other things right now that don't include being in a relationship with you.

 

If she is having doubts now, she will always have these doubts until she does something about it. Would you really want her being with you when she doesn't 100% want to be?

 

YOu need to give her space. That's what she really wants.

[dopexile]

"I want to date other guys to see if I'm happy with you" translates into she wants to go around and be with other guys and checkout her options... but if she doesn't like how that works out she can always use you as a backup option or if she needs financial support. If she was dating Tom Cruise would she tell him "I want to date other guys so I can see if I'm happy"?

 

Crying in front of her and having a difficult time finding something to do for 8 hours and talking to her friends probably contributes to her low interest level... it makes you look very needy which she expressed she doesn't want any part of.

[Rabican]

My girlfriend is 20… I am 26.

Finally we got to the problem. She said she wanted to experience other people before she committed for the rest of her life,

 

Leave her. You are being set up for heartbreak. Shes 20, first boyfriend, shes just not in the same place, or same time as you are my friend. Right now she is what you (or most guys) were at the age of 20. Only right now you are 6 years beyond that. You have already 'experienced' which in code means slept around with other people.

 

If I were in your shoes I would simply handle it like this: Tell her how you feel about her, and tell her that if she needs to go and sleep around or in her words 'experience life' then she can go ahead and do that. IF some day you two are in the same place emotionally, and want to get back together, then you can. However, I would not be waiting around for her to go all shady on you again down the road. And she will, until she gets this out of her system.

[caro33]

Sorry, but I completely agree with Meow, and I think she's put it really well.

 

It's not easy I know, but this is not under your control. It's probably not under her control either: she feels what she feels. I don't think there are actions available to you to make her somehow see the light and want what you want.

 

To be honest, I would expect that if you let her go be prepared to move on permanently. Expect to move on permanently. You might even find there is a different source of relationship happiness out there for you as well.

 

Would she still be working with you though?

[datsallfolks]

 

Would she still be working with you though?

 

I would guess she would... she doesn't have much in the way of options.

 

We also have a trip planned in March and a cruise booked for May.

[caro33]

Oh no!

 

Can you pull out of those? Would you? What do you see your options as being at this stage for (a) the relationship, (b) her job and © those travel plans?

[Rabican]

I would guess she would... she doesn't have much in the way of options.

 

We also have a trip planned in March and a cruise booked for May.

 

I would sit her down for a serious heart to heart, and tell her that I was unwilling to be a crutch for her while she decides who she wants. Or while she sleeps around until she gets over the itch. EIther she commits to you (which she says she doesnt want to) or its over. Also if its over, sell your tickets, cancel your plans, etc. Also I would tell her to find a new job, give her 2 weeks severance pay if you want to be nice about it.

[datsallfolks]

 

(a) the relationship, (b) her job and © those travel plans?

 

A: haha, I don't know, I guess that's why I'm hear.

 

B: I could never fire her... I'm that person, I had a kid steal a couple hundred dollars worth of merchandise and couldn't fire him (made him work it off though)... makes me a bad businessman I guess, but still I've been sucessful.

 

C: The cruise is non-refundible (but paid for by her parents)... the trip in March is to a wedding for a cousin of hers. Of course I am very close with her family, her brother is a former employee of mine (before he was shipped to Iraq), her father and I do a lot of business together, I spend a lot of time helping her brothers with homework and stuff... The cousin specifically invited me, not because of my girlfriend but because of the family...

[datsallfolks]

The other question is... when someone goes through something like this how often do they come back? I'd be willing to wait for her, but I can't hold myself hostage either. From the way she's talking I think thats what she wants me to do, saying I'm sure I want to be with you... just not right now.

 

As I said, I've spoken with a friend of hers who can't believe this is happening. We literaly had the relationship that all her friends envied. Her friend is convinced she will come running back to me... does it happen? often?

[Rabican]

The other question is... when someone goes through something like this how often do they come back? I'd be willing to wait for her, but I can't hold myself hostage either. From the way she's talking I think thats what she wants me to do, saying I'm sure I want to be with you... just not right now.

 

As I said, I've spoken with a friend of hers who can't believe this is happening. We literaly had the relationship that all her friends envied. Her friend is convinced she will come running back to me... does it happen? often?

 

Who knows man. My advice for you is to move on. IF you two ever happen to be in the same place and time (single, and both looking for a relationship) then you can give it a try. But do not sit around and wait for her and let life and other women pass you by while shes laying on her back for another man. Hate to be blunt... but I want you to realize what this waiting really means. You are going to be hurting and waiting, and shes going to be sleeping around.

[ghost69]

this will eventually end.

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