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Falling in Love is Easy, Staying in Love is Hard


Cyprian
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I'm sure we have all heard this saying in some form:

 

"Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard."

 

First of all, do many people agree with this statement? I certainly do.

 

If you do agree with this statement, then I would like to hear some ideas on the relevance of it: what does it mean, really? What should our reaction be to this statement, if any? Should we take this statement to mean that the "spark" that we feel at the onset of a relationship is really insignificant compared to the ability for us to live on a daily basis with our significant other? The more we get along, the happier we are on a daily basis, the longer we can "stand" each other (as we all get annoyed or angry at our SO at some point or another) - should we weigh all of these heavier than we do with our curiosity for others, our need for variety (the spice of life)...?

 

Maybe I am making no sense here...

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Well, at the beginning of a relationship your brain releases all these chemicals that make you rather infatuated. When this wears off, then suddenly things that you thought were cute are now annoying So you have to learn how to communicate, respect each other and work together in order to stay in love.

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i disagree with you Cyprian. I think falling in love is easy and staying in love is easy. the reason i say this is because if you get bored and lose feelings for someone after the initial "honeymoon stage" then you really dont love them at all. if you truly love someone, it isnt difficult at all to remain in love.

 

true, it can be straining sometimes when you have arguments but at the end of the day, no matter what was said or what happened, when you can still look at that person and still feel the same emotion towards them you did when you met...that is true love.

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i disagree with you Cyprian. I think falling in love is easy and staying in love is easy. the reason i say this is because if you get bored and lose feelings for someone after the initial "honeymoon stage" then you really dont love them at all. if you truly love someone, it isnt difficult at all to remain in love.

 

Then you don't really disagree with me at all...we are basically saying the same thing. I could rephrase the quote of this thread by saying:

 

"Falling for Someone and Thinking You Are in Love With Them Happens All the Time (but it may simply be the so-called honeymoon stage which is based on chemicals released in the brain causing infatuation, not Love), but Staying with that Person and Realizing you Truly Love Them Happens Less Often (and thus proves that you were truly in love, and not simply in an infatuation)"

 

However, I think that having a quick and concise way of stating this is more ideal, and most people will understand what I meant - "Falling in Love is Easy, Staying in 'Love' (happens less often) (is...True Love...) (etc.)"

 

Follow-up Question: How long can the honeymoon period last? What is the LONGEST possible period of time where you can be 'infatuated' with someone, and not really in love?

 

Second Follow-up Question: How does someone "fall out of Love"? It obviously wasn't True Love then, right? Can someone "fall out of" True Love?

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Well I am an idiot too Dako, because I don't remember that either.

 

To the OP: I think that the nature of the love you feel changes, but it doesn't necessarily lessen. For me, as I shift from infatuation and sex hormones to more compassionate and companionate love it deepens dramatically. I love him more and more as I see his many dimensions, as I see he's true to his word, as I see what he's really made of. It's less sexual but it's not hard work to want to be with him at all.

 

I think that those failed relationships that start "in love" and somehow end with "falling out of love" do not show that there was never love like someone's elses, but that under all the pheremones, the connection just wasn't made. Once the chemicals wore off to some degree the couple was left with a misalignment that could not be overcome. Perhaps for those people who do fall in love in a more permanent sense, they also just had pheremone laden infatuation to start with, but it shifted to a more sustainable feeling as they found their values aligned etc and they had a good fit as a couple.

 

And of course even the best suited couple can change. Our lives are dynamic: what might have been a wonderful relationship for a decade can still fall over. I think that is not because of falling out of love per se but because differences in wants and needs just get too great sometimes.

 

I am actually nervous about terms like "falling in/out love", and "true love" to be honest, because I think they are so loaded with emotion and false expectation romantic movie BS, and they are also felt so differently by different people.

 

I believe that what I have with my husband is as close to true love as I'm ever going to get, and I think it's on par with anyone else's "true love" (assuming they have a modicum of maturity and objectivity). I would hate if someone took my occasional negative feelings or annoyance with him, or my easily irked nature, and somehow that reflected badly on my love for him. Some people rave on about love as though any negative thought is "falling out of love" or the honeymoon being over, and that is a bit of an artificial boundary in my opinion.

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Well first you have to believe in being "in love" which I dont. I thereforeeee think that the notion of falling out of love is obsurd. I believe in love, and when I substitute that into your statement then I would say that the opposite is true finding a person you love is hard and loving them is the easy part.

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Attraction may not be a choice, but love is. Love is a choice. Its a conscious choice that involves someone getting rid of the clutter in their own mind. As that IS what ends up happening too. Clutter over the other person's insecurities, or bad habits, or odd behaviours, or poor choices, or unattractive qualities, etc. It gets all up there and makes it harder and harder and harder to ever want to continue on loving. Why? Why bother? There's others out there who can meet what I feel is lacking, so why go on?

 

It may not be easy, it may be hard, but its a choice you make. You can open up with love or close down and in on yourself. I find that attachment to trivial things is what makes love hard and dissociation what makes love so easy. Why get attached to this world? Why? Everyone knows we don't have the infinite amount of time we'd all like to have and either our actions and choices gets rid of them or nature does. Its a cynical, gruesome way to put it and yet it speaks a lot of truth. That's why at the end of it all, we have the choice to love and its only as hard as you make it.

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i totally agree with that. this happened in my relationship of six months which i have just ended. i feel so sad about it that it didnt work, but i found that I would find things annoying after a while etc.

 

i think if you really love someone, then yes you get annoyed with them, but you never get really irritated by them.

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And of course even the best suited couple can change. Our lives are dynamic: what might have been a wonderful relationship for a decade can still fall over. I think that is not because of falling out of love per se but because differences in wants and needs just get too great sometimes.

 

I thnk this is the most apt section of your post...

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Look at the mess that I am in now! My ex fell in love with me when I didnt give a horse's butt about him , as soon as I started to get to know him and fall in love with him he left me. What I am saying is that as u fall in love from the beginning u have an image of how ur relationship is going to be or you WANT it to be down the road and with time it turns out it isnt what u imagined and it contradicts with ur PERFECT image u have set up in ur mind that relationship to be. SO THAT IS THE PART PEOPLE CALL IT JUST DIDNT WORK OUT! Why? BECAUSE IT WAS HARD TO KEEP THAT GOOD LOVE AROUND!

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This is a really interesting discussion you are all having. I think about love alot. I am currently in a year and a half long relationship with my bf. I also have relationship ocd, which is a type of ocd where I obsess and feel much anxiety about whether or not I love him, am attracted to him, etc.

 

Yes, I get annoyed by him. Defintely irritated by him ( I have to disagree with you, mca1975 ). Yes I get bored by him. I don't find him as funny as I used to ( though we still laugh ALOT ). Alot of this is brought on by the ocd, when I'm overanalysing and waiting for anticipated feelings that never come because of my mental rituals. But, even though somethimes I don't know why, I still love him. I actually love him more now and am attracted to him more now than I was in the beginning. Because of my ocd, alot of times I can't rely on my feelings as an accurate barometre for how right my relationship is, it causes me a lot of anxiety. So I rely on the fact that love is a choice, as JimmerJammer said. For me, this has caused me alot of comfort in the tough times. I have kind of made this my mantra, and I'm hoping it will help me in the future as well where my relationship is concerned.

 

What Caro33 said --- " I am actually nervous about terms like "falling in/out love", and "true love" to be honest, because I think they are so loaded with emotion and false expectation romantic movie BS, and they are also felt so differently by different people " --- is so bang on. I totally agree with you. For me, true love is with my bf is simply because he respects me, treats me well, loves me with his whole heart, is my best friend, talks to me openly. It took me awhile to realize that the guys I had fallen for in the past --- guys who didn't want committment, who treated me badly, used me --- were not true loves, no matter how much of a rush there was there. Those feelings of true love had the resemblance of movie portraits of romantic love. For me, it was completely unhealthy, and I'm still working on changing my perception of what real love is. I didn't feel quite that same rush with my current bf, but I'm convinced it's because there was an ease and stability to us right from the beginning, a peacefulness I never had in other relationships ( other than all the ocd noise in my head ). He didn't play games, didn't do whatever he felt he needed to to get me. He just wanted me, right from the start. For me, the rush tended to be there when the drama was there. I've had to learn that love doesn't need drama in order to thrive.

 

Sorry I'm rambling, I think I've gone off topic. I just wanted to put in my 2 cents.

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Well, at the beginning of a relationship your brain releases all these chemicals that make you rather infatuated. When this wears off, then suddenly things that you thought were cute are now annoying So you have to learn how to communicate, respect each other and work together in order to stay in love.

 

I'm glad you brought up infatuation. Because many usually mix this up with true love. I don't like saying "I'm falling in love" because I view love as a clearheaded, rational thing. In love is truth, understanding, respect, etc. Love is not obsessiveness; love is not a lack of self respect, nor a lack of self altogether. One must truly love their own self, before they can truly love others. Not in a total selfish way, of course. Selfishness is a lack of regard for others, while concentrating solely on your own wants above others. Loving yourself is respecting yourself, caring about yourself, understanding yourself. If you do this, you're in a good place to then share yourself with others.

 

Falling is a mistake. Walking is done by choice. So, walk in to love someone, over time! Do not fall in to infatuation!

 

If you've just met the person, and think you've fallen in love with them, it's most likely infatuation, and not true love. I strongly believe real love is grown over time, like a tree. It needs to be watered, have the Sun shining on it daily. Over time, it'll grow to be mature, rooted and grounded firmly in the soil.

 

Infatuation is like trying to grow a plant in the sand, that moves about as the wind blows. It's not a good place to fall in to.

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Yes. Love is cultivated, grown, nurtured...it takes time. Infatuation is what most of us have at the start of a relationship.

 

Thats why I am so angry at my ex. She lost the infatuation after our love grew, only she was too immature to realize that when she said, "You're like my best friend, I love you so much but not in that way anymore" she was in fact defining true love versus infatuation...

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A friend of mine broke up with her bf of 2 years because she said she loved him but wasn't in love with him. I never told her I thought she made a mistake, because it's really not for me to say what she should and shouldn't do in her relationship, but it seems to me that after that infatuation stage is over and you still love that person, that's still a great basis for a relationship, something worth hanging on to. The thing is, just because the " in love feelings " subside for awhilre, it doesn't mean they won't aslso come back, with some effort and a commitment to making the relationship grow. If you can stick out the hard times, things can get better. I've had to do that with my own relationship and I'm pretty happy.

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well, in my opinion, i dont really agree with u. I was dating my first bf well my first love and we were very much in love, it was easy to fall in love with him and now that we are best friends, it is easy to stay in live its just that special connetion hat u have with a person, its all how the communication and the relationship witht that person is or was. thats all how i loook at it.

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Love is rubbish and that explains why divource rates are so high and why they are so many broken families in the world and unwanted children. Get real. People just want sex and companionship and when they get bored, they just find somebody else. Those "couples" who remain together for years and years just do so cos its easier than being alone and are maybe guided by religious reasons. Men are happiest down the pub or playing golf with there mates, Women are happiest with their friends.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Love is rubbish and that explains why divource rates are so high and why they are so many broken families in the world and unwanted children. Get real. People just want sex and companionship and when they get bored, they just find somebody else. Those "couples" who remain together for years and years just do so cos its easier than being alone and are maybe guided by religious reasons. Men are happiest down the pub or playing golf with there mates, Women are happiest with their friends.

 

Yes you certainly tell it how it is...or might be...except I would disagree that men are happiest here and women are happiest there: I think everyone is an individual and we are all happiest doing whatever we are interested in. After all, I don't like golf (although I do enjoy a the pubs!)

 

Anyone have a better way to phrase what I am trying to say here in this thread? I think it came out wrong...

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Love is rubbish and that explains why divource rates are so high and why they are so many broken families in the world and unwanted children. Get real. People just want sex and companionship and when they get bored, they just find somebody else. Those "couples" who remain together for years and years just do so cos its easier than being alone and are maybe guided by religious reasons. Men are happiest down the pub or playing golf with there mates, Women are happiest with their friends.

 

I'm sorry you feel like that. I'd venture to say that a lot of people are so enamored by the idea of being in love that they don't stop to think of whether they really are in love, and they get married too quickly or without enough thought behind it.

 

I can honestly say that until I met my boyfriend, I'd never really been in love before, no matter what I thought or imagined. The feeling I have with my boyfriend is totally unlike anything I've ever felt before. I don't think love is rubbish... what is love other than a strong need for companionship, physical closeness, and a desire for the other person to be happy?

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