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I'm soooo depressed.

I eat constantly.

I go to the vending machine constantly at work, like a robot.

I eat absent-mindedly.

It's not even about the food or weight anymore. I'm just really unhappy.

I frequently have to blink back tears while sitting at my computer at work.

My boyfriend may be away for a year and a half. He doesn't want me to come and live where he is. And he keeps saying that he'll come up here "soon". But he period of time that he'll be away keeps increasing.

I feel so rejected.

I'm just not where I want to be at all.

And I don't know where to go or what to do.

I just feel like crying.

I have nothing else I can say to him. Everything is out of my control.

I wish my job was more physically demanding. I could move around a lot and keep my mind occupied.

It seems the only way to distract myself at work is by taking a walk to the vending machine.

Work is okay when I'm kept busy. But half of the time there isn't work to do, yet I have to act like I'm busy.

So I day dream, about my less than promising future.

About how I would like to decorate the apartment I'll have with my boyfriend...although it looks unlikely.

Or how maybe one day I'll enjoy going to work because I'll actually have a happy life outside of work to balance it.

Or I think about how I have to go to my school to work out papers associated with graduation.

And I hate that place to much.

And I don't want anyone to see me because I look so horrible compared to the way I did before.

And I'm embarrased, and I feel broken, and I half told myself that I wouldn't have to go through this anytime soon.

Orginally I didn't care about the date on my diploma, I just wanted to be finished with classes.

I wanted to receive my diploma in the mail, that was going to be my gift to myself.

But I've allowed my parents to guilt me into going back to the place I hate most, sitting through a long and boring ceremony next to people I don't know, and plastering a fake smile on my face while they enjoy themselves at my expense once more.

And if it weren't bad enough that I had to go back to graduate, now I have to make an extra trip to apply for graduation.

My school is all about appearances. On the website it has a link where you can apply for graduation......more false promises. It is totally bogus and has dates for 2001 and 2010!!!!

I called the registrars office and guess what she told me? "We don't do applications for graduation online".

Ya think?!

Then why to you have that option 'availble' online when you know full-well it's B.S.?

I'll tell you why, because they want to decieve prospective students and their parents.

This is not and isolated occurrence, it's quite ordinary.

Anywho, it's too much.

How much am I suppose to take, deal with?

What am I suppose to do?

Suggestions anyone?

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Go join your local gym. if you do you will feel so much better... it relieves a lot of stress... and it sounds like you aren't getting enough physical activity which is very bad... it can cause chemical imbalances in your brain which often causes depression.

 

Also quit using food as a positive reinforcement. Quit taking cash into work and you won't have to worry about using the vending machine... leave your money in your car. Drink a lot of water and take walking breaks instead.

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Nobody should have to have a job that makes them feel bored, anxious and restless. Have you considered looking for something that is more enjoyable?

 

I don't think your personal life being better is going to make your job more enjoyable. Your job should be enjoyable in and of itself. And what about fantasizing about your own apartment and how you'd decorate it? Why does it have to be with your boyfriend?

 

Maybe you should make a list of the things you want to accomplish and start working towards them. Put the smaller, easier things at the top of the list so you don't get discouraged.

 

As far as graduation goes, maybe you should take a stand and tell your parents you don't want to go. It's nice that you're considerate of their feelings about this, but if it's causing you this much anxiety then maybe you could just skip it. But if you decide to go, forget about how you look to other people. It's the last time you would have to see them anyway. Do you really care what they think?

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Hey There Guys!!!

Thanks so much I love the ideas!!!!

I really should think about another job!

And I really like the part about daydreaming of how I'd like to decorate my apartment.

I've done that actually and I really like it!!!

I've decided that I'm going to quit my job in a few months.

I'm moving out of state and I'm getting my own place!!!

And it will be my own apartment because my boyfriend wants to keep his.

Wow, that is really exciting. I never looked at it that way before.

And as far as graduation goes I must admit, I am pretty afraid of exactly how my parents will retaliate (sp?).

I do feel that they are being soo inconsiderate.

But they feel that they paid for it, so I should do what they want in regards to school.

But I'm really concerned about my emotional well-being.

I may just have to not worry about the other people. And then they don't even consider how I feel being around a lot of people. I really don't like it.

Ever since my rape I've felt extremely uncomfortable being around a lot of people if I'm not holding my boyfriend's hand.

I don't want to do it. I don't think it's good for me.

And then my mom wants to throw me a graduation party when I really don't want one and I told her so long ago.

My mother can be so mean when she doesn't get her way.

Anywho, thanks for the great advice!!!

Oh, and I am doing better on the eating thing, now that I'm trying to save money for my own apartment.

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