HDD Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I am confused and worried about how to handle this situation. i am going to hawaii next week, to take a break from all this break up heartache and pain. Hopefully it will help me with my healing. I am excited yet concerned because i am not sure if i should tell my ex that i m going? Not because i want him to be jealous or anything but later if he finds out from someone else or me, i dont want him to think that i am keeping secrets from him... i dont know what I am trying to say here but I hope you understand. I know it probably doesnt matter what I do to him anymore, but i just want to be honest you know. Should I even care? I mean, he's probably planning trips too right? He doesnt have to let me know about it. We emailed once in the past 5 weeks and thats all. why do i feel like i need to let him know about this? am I still holding on to Hope of us getting back together? ugh.. when does this ever end! Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 there is absolutely no reason to tell him your going. have fun on your trip and let loose. travelling is often one of the best things to do when healing over a breakup. last time I went to miami and had a different outlook on my breakup when i got back. this time around i'm going to acapulco..though i have to wait another month. have a great time! Link to comment
blender Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 My theory is If the EX is NOT asking you about your life... well then why do you feel the "need" to tell him? Maybe you feel this need because deep down inside you "expect" it to provoke some response in him... or you're having a tough time of "letting go" of what you "hoped and thought could be" instead of being in "acceptance" of what actually is.. and making your choices about YOUR OWN LIFE, for YOU... this is the "healing thing" to do.. get busy with your own life.. he's NOT asking you about your life... so no, you do not have to tell him... What "good" do you see coming from telling him? Can you write what you would "expect" him to say, feel? Link to comment
HDD Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 I dont think its because i want to provoke anything in him... but maybe i am having a hard time of letting go. some days i accept what happened and other days its just hard to raelize that he is no longer a part of my life. I dont see anything good happening from telling him about my trip. Honestly, if i tell him about my trip, he will probably let go of me for good and seriously move on. thats what I am afraid of. but i felt the need to tell him just because i didnt want to have any awkward moments later, if we ever meet. but maybe that doesnt even really matter. i guess i am just afraid of letting go. could it be because he has a surf trip planned in March (which i knew about before we broke up) and he will probably use it to get over me or something. I guess i feel like i need a trip to heal as well? Link to comment
anggrace Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Secrets? He's not your boyfriend anymore. You don't need to tell him the details of your life unless he asks. Link to comment
blender Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 He won't "use a trip" to "get over you"... he's on his own life journey whether you are together or apart... and you are too... what you are feeling is so understandable and yes it's "emotionally confusing" but just try to "feel it" but do not choose to "re-act" to it..okay? Why do you feel it would be "awkward" later if you see him and he finds out you went on this trip? What do you "imagine" would happen, what do you "fear" that he "might" feel if you went on a trip without his knowledge?? Link to comment
Orlander Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 i dont want him to think that i am keeping secrets from him Who cares what he thinks or doesnt think. Move on!!! Go enjoy your trip and try to focus on how the relationship is over and how soon you will find a new love. Orlander Link to comment
longhaircats Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Hey HDD, I'm a couple months ahead of you and I understand how you are feeling. You guys are split, and there is no need to tell him about the trip, like other said. I know it's hard, but just let it go and enjoy the sunshine and looking at the hot beach boys out there! I love Hawaii. Link to comment
HDD Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 you are right. i dont need to tell him anything. but, What if he calls, and I happen to be in hawaii at the time... having a great time.. drinking maitai's lol do you think he will ever want to get back with me (not that it matters anyways)? Maybe thats my fear. I mean, i realize we both need these trips, these times apart to let go, figure things out, move on... i guess we will both have something to talk about IF we ever build a friendship with each other. It just feels weird to go on a trip to Hawaii (couple central) without him and i just dont want to have any regrets afterwards. being with someone for 6 years, you tend to get used to telling them about everything you know. its a habit that i need to break i guess. I WILL have a GOOD time and i can't wait!! Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 when I was in miami and the ex called...i ignored her. she even left a voicemail and i didnt even listen to it because i wanted my vaca to be about me. when i got home, i called her, ended things for good, didnt speak to her for a while, got over her, then ran into her 2 or 3 weeks ago and felt nothing. im getting off topic..but anyways, i think if he calls you while your on your vacation you should just ignore it...i'd even turn your phone off...just let loose and let it be about you. its vacation..take a vacation from everything. often when people go on trips you just try to forget about work or whatever is stressing you out...well, this guy is stressing you out, take a vacation from him. Link to comment
blender Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 you might be "used" to the habit of "telling him everything".. but remember right now you are broken up and he is NOT ASKING you about ANYTHING... so trust that if "authentic love" is going to be discovered between the two of you during this time of "no contact".. then it has to be just that, "discovered" and if the feelings are sincere, respectful and there is an intentional effort from him to contact you BECAUSE he want's to "try again as a couple"..well then, nothing would stop a sincere mature man from making the effort to intentional pursue you in a respectful loving way, regardless of if you are in Hawaii, at a gas station, getting your nails done, or working in your garden.. it's not about where you are, or what you've told him or not told him.. it should be because he wants to make it work as a couple with YOU... together.. no "power struggles, or ego struggles or guilt inducing crap".. because those things are not "love" they are based on insecurities and his "ego".... so don't worry about effecting his "ego"...with your choices... because if he autthentically loves you, it will effect his heart more than his ego..and if given the opportunity that NO CONTACT offers TO discovers this, then he would in a mature way push his own "ego" aside and let his confidence and sincerety rise to the top..and he will contact you in the a loving, sincere clearly intentional way..if he does not, then thank god you're moving on... healing, growing.. and knowing that YOUR future is YOURS.. with or without him in it... Link to comment
Me and myself Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 if he autthentically loves you, it will effect his heart more than his ego..and if given the opportunity that NO CONTACT offers TO discovers this, then he would in a mature way push his own "ego" aside and let his confidence and sincerety rise to the top..and he will contact you in the a loving, sincere clearly intentional way..if he does not, then thank god you're moving on... healing, growing.. and knowing that YOUR future is YOURS.. with or without him in it... Hi I think blender say it all...I know it's hard to accept this kind of thinking but, as an exercise, put yourself in his position and imagine that he wants to go back to you. What would you do? That's right, just like blender said. If you need any help you might want to read the story bellow...it helped me a lot through my life (another issues) when I had to let go. _______________________________________ One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. accross the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The LORD replied: "My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." _______________________________________ Enjoy your vacations (while I'm working ) Link to comment
HDD Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 i had to read that over and over because your words are so true blender. I wont worry about how he feels anymore. I just need to do this because of ME and because I need it. true authentic love has no boundaries, and i always thought it was up to the guys to get over their egos and contact the girl if they truly want to give it another shot, that is of course if the girl wants him back. but i guess we all need time to figure out what we need in life and where we want to be in the next 10-15 years. I just hope this break up was the right decision for both of us. Me and Myself, that is an Amazing story!!!!!! Its SOO uplifting! Thank you, that really helped!! Link to comment
blender Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I guess my real point is that "authentic love" DOES have boundaries... and it's about being able to love while respecting those boundaries... Especially in a break up it's important to have boundaries for your heart.. no contact while you are still hopeful or vulnerable UNLESS the dumper is clearly stating that they want to "try again as a couple". for instance an ex who was the dumper should NOT call the dumpee out of curiosity or needing an ego boost, or wanting to just know you still "there".. they should respect your emotionally boundary you set for your own heart when "no contact" is started, and should ONLY contact you if they are willing to make an intentional loving effort to work on the relatioinship as a couple.. any other kind of contact is only sending mixed signals that can truly be painful and lead to false hope for the dumpee... that is why in "authentic love" it's important for each person to have respectful boundaries regarding how they are treated within the relationship.. or even the break up. it's about each of you having self respect enough to be happy and feeling good on your own, as independent individuals..and THEN choose to make the intentional effort to help that love and respect grow in yourselves and each other enough to want to "share" that happiness with the other not to "attain" it from each other... It's when we think we can "attain" happiness from a relationship that we lose a bit of ourselves in it.. that is why we sometimes feel so scared, lonely, rejected when a relationship ends, because somewhere along the line we actually start to believe that our "identity/happiness" is wrapped up in the relationship and that without the relaitonship we "lose our identity/potential happiness" but that is just a "feeling" it's NOT a "fact". So for right now just try to be willing to accept the fact that we have to be "sad" for awhile sometimes in life.. heartache sometimes provides the opportunity for us to re-discover who we really are..inside our own hearts, on our own, and the values that are important and essential for us in a relationship.. be proud of yourself for embracing your heartache and letting go with courage and self respect. and many times if you separate your "feelings from the facts" regarding the past relationship you might discover that "your values and self respect" were getting lost by trying to hang on to the person...and then you start to "cling" and actually fool yourself to think, "if we don't stay together I'll never be okay, happy, or feel good".. but that is not true.. the FACT is: you will be okay, even better.. because you will gain a better understanding of yourself, and what you truly need in a relationship in order for it to be fulfilling and the MOST important quality for that is "an intentional respectful loving effort from BOTH people to share values, happiness, respect, honesty, joy, sorrows, ego's aside, and hearts nurtured. Authentic love is not a constant power struggle or fearful... it's encouraging, fulfilling, respectful and it takes a willing effort and nurturing based on both people feeling good about themselves. You both have an opportunity now to discover your sense of self.. do this for YOU... that is the MOST attractive and healing step to take right now... one baby step at a time, one day at a time, breathe, pray, cry, smile... trust your own self worth. you're going to be okay.. let him have his space, respect his space, and more importantly respect your own..enjoy yourself, be proud of yourself, and know that through the tears you will gain strength you never knew you had.. and pretty soon you'll think: "I'm doing pretty good on my own.. there is a whole wonderful world of possiblitites in my future...and I've discovered how deeply I can love..and that's a blessing, I will cherish this about myself and share it with someone who respects and will cherish this as well.. and if in time that is my ex.. great, if not.. FATE must have another plan for me.. can't wait to rise to meet it. Link to comment
HDD Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 THAT IS EXACTLY what happened to me! I realize now that my happiness was wrapped around my ex and i felt that if i didnt have him in my life, i wont be happy... but what did I do before I met my ex.. i was always a happy person and will eventually be one, if not now. You pretty much summed up how I feel right now. I feel like I am learning so much about myself in these past couple of weeks. I cannot wait till the day when i realize that I am doing very well on my own and my future looks bright and happy! Link to comment
blender Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 My dear friend, you have already realized this...it just takes courage, self respect to "live it".. and you are, you will, one day at a time... YOU are worthy of intentional respectful loyal considerate sexy charming and thoughtful love. Start nurturing these qualities for yourself, inside yourself.. and pretty soon you'll be so "authentically fulfilled and attractive"... You will not make a choice to lower yourself, your values, your standards again..just to "keep" someone "there"... those days are over. Celebrate your heartache with courage and self respect...by writing out your feelings, feeling your feelings, talking to friends, family, re-discovering your own wonderful self, venting on this site.. and let go of the ex with love and respect for right now.... just one day at a time... Fate/God/A higher power, whatever you believe in, will take care of the rest... trust this and the miracles will be yours. Deep breath...let it out..cry, laugh, cry again, give it over to god..and take care of you right now... Link to comment
HDD Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 i am at work and i just went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out! I found out that my ex is trying to move on and talking to girls. I wont be surprised if I hear about him getting a gf soon . Is it possible to move on so quickly after a 6 year relationship? Is this a rebound thing? how does he do it? Didnt WE mean anything to him? this is really setting me back and I feel so devesatated and torn. I just dont get it. I feel like he is being so selfish! I guess i really truly have to let him go now. I cant have him back if he has been with other girls...i am not that type. Boy, i pray there is someone out there for me, someone 1000 times better and i hope he shows up soon, cause I feel so alone. i feel sick to my stomach and dizzy! why is this happening to me? i gave him my 110%.... please help! Link to comment
Orlander Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 It's ok, HDD. It will get better. To be honest, it doesnt matter if he finds someone quickly or not. He is someone else's problem now. Just let it out and know that you WILL find someone else MUCH better. I promise!! Keep crying if you need to. We are here. Orlander Link to comment
SummerGirl38 Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 This chapter of your life is over, close the book. Don't waste your time on a guy who won't waste his time on you. Link to comment
blender Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 That feeling of "panic/anxiety" over him maybe meeting other girls.. is a "feeling".. it's okay, it's something "new you have to get through".. so try to muster up all your courage all your SELF LOVE and know that you are strong enough to get through these "feelings".. because the FACT is you are going to be okay, even better, and right now your ex is not going anywhere, there is more going on in YOUR MIND about him, then is actually going on in his life.. he's a guy whom you've loved and had in your life for a very long time, and that history is precious and no he won't "forget it, or think it meant "nothing".. he's just going through his own life journey right now. And so are you... It's okay, breathe, and try not to think it terms of "black and white" & "all or nothing".. instead separate your feelings from the facts... trust that if this relationship is meant to be and authentic love is to be "discovered" by either of you for each other..well sometimes that might mean you have to be apart for awhile... even if you date someone else, or he did... IF that happened, it might happen because it will lead back to YOU... or to HIM... This is an opportunity for you to re-gain your sense of self, and for him to be "out there" for a bit, and during this "difficult" transition.. you will sometimes feel "panic/hurt/sadness/anger/jealousy".. but those "feelings" are in response to a "fear"... fear of the unknown, the what if's, the how comes, the what about ME? Try to start "feeling" things from a place of self respect, self worth, self love, and trust... because if you "trust' that if this love is going to work out in the long run, then a respectful no contact time might be just what you need to get there.. and if it doesn't lead you back to each other right now, then this time is for you to find your own sense of self... Feeling: He is MY happiness FACT: he does NOT hold the key to your happines, identity, self worth, or self respect.. only YOU hold that key... so hang on to that with courage and know that you are going to feel these waves of empowerment, some sadness, some doubt, some anger...and then "acceptance".. that magical place of healing.. Where we choose to accept that yes this time right now of the "unknown" makes my heart hurt like hell, but it's going to be okay, because I do not want to be in a relationship where I have to "convince" someone to be there, but I DO WANT someone who is willing and respectfully making a loving, sincere, exclusive intentional effort to be in my life... and right now the ex is not capable of giving you this.. it's not about YOU..he's just not "ready" at this point.. he's not giving the above stayed "want" to anyone right now.. and if the ex "discovers" that thier road leads back to you.. then wonderful. If not, then through "no contact" you are already healing, feeling more empowered even through your tears..and then eventually your onto dating some wonderful, new, sexy, charming, adoring, fun, respectful, mature, happy, confident person.. because you've taken this "heartache" and used it to become that type of person yourself. Happy on your own "first"... you can do it, you will do it.. you're going to be okay.. this is just one of those emotional hurdles today that you have to jump over... way over...and you do so by taking time to cry, cry, cry, write it all out here, separate your feelings from the facts, and above all BEILIEVE IN YOURSELF.. all those "hopes, dreams, identity, thoughts" you made a choice to "attach" to "him".. well those are still alive, but they are YOURS.. put them back in your heart for YOU... and they will come true in your life with or without "him"... Link to comment
HDD Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 i almost emailed him today just to let him know that I did not mean for any of this to happen and that I will always have a special corner for him in my heart. I didnt send it though. I saved it in my drafts and read it over like 5 times and in the end, i deleted it. I am just so confused as to whats going on here. I have all these strong feelings for him still and its just so hard to let go of the IDEA of him. what you are saying is true Blender and I just dont know what to feel anymore. I have to let him do what he needs to to figure out where he wants to be in life. Right now, its obviously not with me. It just hurts so bad. Just the thought of him being with another girl breaks my heart. I was never the jealous or not trusting type, and I am having such a hard time with this. He was always the jealous type and had trust issues due to his past relationships... i wonder how he feels about me being with someone else. I dont know... it doesnt matter i guess. He used to tell me he prayed for me, and God send me to him. And in a way I would like to believe that i helped him be a better person. I dont know if he will be one, but part of my heart and mind would like to believe that. It just amazes me how he can talk to a girl ('s) about US, which i am totally presuming right now. i guess i just have to accept the fact that he is no longer a part of my life and i need to stop thinking about him and why this happened and just ACCEPT it for the way it is. life's so tough sometimes, wish i could just be happy and not have to deal with all this heartache crap! going to bed tonight is going to be very hard... i hope i dont get any nightmares Link to comment
blender Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Oh honey, I really do know how you feel.. try not to let your mind go to all those "what if's".. okay? he's not talking to any girls about you..he's not.. don't worry... remember "feelings versus facts"... The fact is it's also YOUR time to find your own sense of self, you were with him for six years of course you're having a tough time "letting go".. and it's great that you wrote all your feelings and then had the maturity to NOT SEND them..good for you. And as far as him saying "god sent you to me"... well if you want to believe that, then I agree with you.. God did do that, and now God is also nudging you again now into a new direction...just for now.. for today..trust this.. you are learning with each new day, how to breathe through all the feelings, anxiety, loss of control, fear of the unknown.. This is all so new for you.. but it doesn't mean it's going to be "bad".. it's just going to be "different" and more "real" from now on... it's going to be okay.. it's just going to hurt... we just have to be "sad" in life sometimes... but it only means your going to build "character, self confidence, maturity, a sense of self" and that is the MOST ATTRACTIVE thing for you to do right now... he's NOT your project.. YOU are your project. work on you for you.... And you will be happy, happiness is a choice not a destination... and for right now your heart is hurting because it's all so "different" than what it was.. it's like a "habit" that you are so used to having in your life, and even "habits" that might not be so good for us are very hard to let go of.... For right now he's just "not ready" it's not about you, it's about him, and it's so great that you are maintaing no contact, and respecting his space, and respecting yourself enough to take time to work through all your feelings... Trust that one thing is for absolute sure, HE does NOT hold the key to your happiness... that is a FACT.. I know it's very different than the "feeling"... but try to focus on the FACTS... and the FACT is you have so many wonderful things in your life, and he is not going to get married tomorrow.. and neither are you... and it's a huge sign of your own progress that you are willing to live in the "truth" instead of in "resistance".. so many times after a break up we can make the mistake of "resisting" that it's just not working for right now..and try to "convince" the ex of this or that, or "remind" them of this or that.. trust that nothing is more powerful in making them think about you.. then "curiosity" during "no contact".. so you lovingly let go... and trust that if it's "authentic mature intentional love" then that "curiosity" about you doing "okay on your own, and not contacting him" may lead to a discovery for you that YOU ARE IN FACT GOING TO BE WONDERFUL WITH OR WITHOUT HIM and he has the "opportunity" through "no contact" to discover how special you are.. heck he knows that already.. he's just "not ready" for you right now...trust that if it's meant to be... it will find it's way back to you... breathe.. let go and let god... Link to comment
HDD Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I hope either way, i get through this fast... i dont know how much longer i can take such pain. I know this is my first time dealing with a break up (and on top of that, after 6 years!!), but i hope i wont be doing this again... it hurts way too much! its just hard becuase i put everything into this relationship, everything ! and now all i have left is me. It just feels lonely i guess. i dont think he will want to get back with me after NC... which is fine, but i cant hold on to that hope anymore. I used to always make the first move, the first effort in getting back together but i guess i shuoldnt have tried so hard to fix something that didnt want to be fixed. I just hope he knows that i truly do care for him and still love him. aww Blender, thank you for those words, reading them bought tears to my eyes and it made me feel better. i just have to let go and let him live his life. its over and i have to accept it. Link to comment
blender Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 of course he "knows' that you still care deeply, but for right now try to focus on what YOU know.. you know you're a great girl, who can love someone deeply, and you are young, and you are free to explore all the wonderful possiblities of YOUR future... this is only an "emotional brigde" you have to cross over.. do it with courage, pride, and yes a whole lot of tears..but hold your head high, YOU are going to be just FANTASTIC.... embrace your heartache with courage, say to yourself, this is going to "hurt like hell" for awhile but it's not going to kill me, it's going to make me grow up, love myself, be grateful for my health, my family, my friends, my ability to love, to feel, to be kind, to ask others how they are feeling..even say hello and smile at the cashier in the grocery store.. just make baby step type of choices to breathe and say to yourself over and over again: "I'm going to be okay..even better..I just have to hurt for a bit..but I can make it through anything because I'm strong, smart loving courageous and kind, it's time to celebrate ME". Link to comment
HDD Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I'm going to be okay..even better..I just have to hurt for a bit..but I can make it through anything because I'm strong, smart loving courageous and kind, it's time to celebrate ME I'm going to be okay..even better..I just have to hurt for a bit..but I can make it through anything because I'm strong, smart loving courageous and kind, it's time to celebrate ME I'm going to be okay..even better..I just have to hurt for a bit..but I can make it through anything because I'm strong, smart loving courageous and kind, it's time to celebrate ME its time to move on.... and let go... Link to comment
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