My father sexually assaulted me

[Taomagicdragon]

Growing up my family has never been particularly nice people though they weave an illusion of it for the public. I never subscribed to that illusion for I have been abused in different ways since I was old enough to walk. My father did things to me and my body I will never forget... He also physicaly hurt me with every device he had in possesion and would laugh manically has he had his way with my mutilated living corpse... My mother allowed it and even at times I feel as though she cheered it on... for I was the child born into the role as the son they never wanted. I was silent about all that happened up until I was `16. Then I met people that were truly my friends and I told them about it. They were i ntears over it and they did their best to get me through it. But it failed. I am now 19 and and am truly a miserable soul waiting to die. My mother has refused me a loan to go to college for this spring smester and that leaves me in a feeling that i have hit a dead end. All I seem to do is ocmplain about what has and waht is happening to me because that's the only thing that ever kept me from hurting myself... it was m only release for it.. I clsoe my eyes even now and feel his hands on my living corpse. I have a girlfriend finally but I can't put her through al lthe msiery I've wasted my friendships on. I've complained ot the point where one firend doesn't believe me and another friend simply doesn't talk as she has nothing else to say to me. My other friends are to certain degrees sick of me and fall in ranges between not caring and feeling utterly spent trying to help me.

 

I failed them truly and I wish I never told them to begin with.... I never complain to people that don't know. But here I am a miserable lonely soul who wasted all his friendships... I;ve seen therapists and social workers (all I rally can do without my mother being involved somehow) but nothing they have done works.... I;ve done personal self-help but that works for a week tops.... I;ve tried the advice of some of my friends... that's to no avail....

 

I am simply broken and am beyond repair.. people that think otherwise give me far too much credit... I have been honest tohugh with my friends.. no hyperbole.. no lies... infact if i did it for sympathy i owuld have given up when they started getting isck of me and not to thepoint where I am reluctantly invited to things liek parties (i tend to sit off ot the side and watch... i'm an observer by nature and it's how I feel comfortable at parties).

 

I have taken jobs in the past and every cent I make goes to my mother for her "to take care of" meanign I rarely see a cent of it. I don't go out usually... In fact last time I;ve been out was at a new year's party that I basically spent sitting on a couch watching them dnace and sing and play little gmaes. All fun for mt to watch but seeing as it disturbs them... i probably should not have gone.

 

Unless a miracle happens I will have to break things with my girlfriend and "pack up" my emotional baggage and let my friends go... let thme live their lives while I slowly die for that is all I feel I have left in me to do. Resign myself to the fact I am broken and that no soul can save me.. not even myself.

[fnlyfrei]

Firstly...I feel your pain in many, many ways with my childhood. All I can say is do not give up, do not let the people who hurt you "win"...FIGHT ! Fight for yourself ! You can love and be loved...you have a lot to work through..but you are worth it. I would like to help you along. And I am sure others will too...you do not have to be alone. PM me anytime...your future is now and you can't let another day go by being so unhappy. I for one, am here for you.

[chai714]

Tao,

 

I think you can make it through this and you've got a few options of accomplishing this. Your first goal should be to get out of your parents house. If you have to work 2 or even 3 jobs, do it. Get a night job and deprive yourself from sleep for a few months - it's worth it in this case. There's no need for you to be living with abusive people who don't give a crap about your psychological health.

 

Meanwhile if you can, help yourself. You can post here, link removed, or join the link removed. These are a couple of great resources for sexual abuse survivors. I know it's not easy and it never will be. Don't feel like you're the only one who has ever had to endure such physical and emotional pain because there are plenty of others who share your pain. You do have a choice to take control of your life. It won't be easy and it never will but your life will slowly become a whole lot better.

[chickidee23]

I was also sexually abused by my father (who left my family when I was 12 and commited suicide when I was 14) although my mother never knew. I have developed many problems with this as well. I have found that telling your everyday, average person does nothing but makes me feel like a freak. I always get the same, awkward response. I have not told many people and I don't intend on telling any more. I have seen a counselor about it as well but it was when I was happier pretending it never happened and it did not help- I was not ready for help. Sometimes, I still feel that I am not ready for help but I have found that I have problems enjoying sexual activities because, occasionally, it's just too uncomfortable for me. I have been working toward finding help by starting here, where I can let it out to complete strangers- people who don't know me and can't judge me, people who can choose not to get involved if they wish.

 

I was told (and I think it is very good advice) that lots of sexually abused victims feel better after they confront their attacker. It gives us a sense of power and justification. Have you ever thought about confronting your parents, your dad in particular? It's a hard thing to do but maybe you can ask one of your friends to be with you while you do it?

 

Also, are there any other family members or friends you can live with? It seems to me that you need to get out of your parents house, out of their control. That would more than likely be a HUGE step in the right direction for you.

 

And don't give up on yourself and don't give up on your friends. Remember that they may not have been through something like this- they may not know what to do to help you. And they are not giving up on you! You are so used to being let down that you expect everyone to do that. Expect more of people and ask them for what you need- they don't know what to do if you don't tell them! If they are good friends, they will do everything they can for you. Continue to see counselors and/or therapists. When you are ready to be helped, they will help you. In most places, they have free or very inexpensive counseling to people- they usually go off your income.

 

As for college, start applying for grants, scholarships and loans. Don't let your parents or anyone control your future!!!

 

Please don't EVER hesitate to talk to me, also. I may not be a counselor but I have been through something very similar to what you are going through. I am 23, a little older than you, and I have had more time to figure things out. I would be more than happy to share some of this with you!!! And I am also a terrific listener- it can be easier to share things with someone you know you will never meet. And if nothing else, keep me up to date on your progress. I feel for what you are going through! Best of luck to you and I hope you keep in touch.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about your pain.

 

It sounds like you still might be living with your mother? My advice would be to get out of there ASAP.

 

Can you apply to college somewhere further away and take out financial aid? Even if you have to apply for student loans to do so I think it would be worth it in the end.

 

As others have mentioned, I defintiely think a support group would be very a good thing for you. These people will understand what you've been through first-hand, and may have a better, more patient way of helping you address these issues than your current friends do.

 

BellaDonna

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Tao -

 

Your story is tragically sad - you know it and your friends know it - that's why they're distant and pulling away. It hard to face and since its not theirs, its easier to move away.

 

I think your gratefulness to them comes accross quite clear. As does your disappointment in yourself for a perceived failure to them. So.....whilst this might be a bit unorthodox - I'm gonna suggest to you to grab on to that disappointment. It may be your last glimmer of hope.

 

Oh - yes, there IS still hope. Hard to see in all the disappointment and guilt I think...

 

But grab on to it and make it up to them by focusing on their advice, their selflessness, their friendliness etc. For the mates who have befriended you, been there for you, listened to you, consoled you, and who are feeling at wits end with you, pull it together for them.

 

Its hard to NOT wallow in what you're going through - most humans would. But as you've said yourself, you've got a vast network you feel you've taken advantage of to the point of a dried well.

 

An analogy ......we're all glasses of water. Sometimes there are things in our lives that use up our water, spill it, take it etc....

Our friends who have a bit more than we do, will share theirs, fill us back up to a functional level. BUT inevitably we find ourselves again on E.

 

Your family members are takers. They take without re-filling. Your friends are givers - to a fault - cos now they're empty. It is YOUR turn to give back to them..........

[fnlyfrei]

Yes chickadee23, we aren't counselors...but we probably understand waaay more than a counselor would on many levels. Like Taomagicdragon, I had been abused since infancy...an finally raped when I was 8 years old...by my bio father. Then onto foster homes and more abuse. I am 40 years old and probably will never be like other people. But I think I can help others...I now work in a school and deal with child abuse as part of my job...I have intuitions and insights many others do not have. It was horrible that it happened...but it can be turned into something positive. If either of you need to talk...that would be cool. We could support and listen to each other. ((HUGS))

[fnlyfrei]

I have noticed that there are lots of looks to these posts and not many more comments...if my post made anyone uncomfortable...I apologize.

[Taomagicdragon]

Thank you all for the concern given thus far.. I just feel that abuse that has gone on for a decade is jsut too much... I fgiht it make progreess than a week later I'm bback to square one.. it happens time and time again

[flower99]

no apologize needed fnlyfrei...I think everyone gave great advice, I wish I had some to add....

Taomagicdragon, I am truly sorry for all you've been through. My heart goes out to you. I really believe you need to move out ASAP. Get yourself in a healthy environment. So you can begin to live a happier healthier life. Dont' give up your chance for love, because of your family...Get away from them...Move out! Your future is in your hands now you're 19.

Like Fnlyfrei "FIGHT ! Fight for yourself ! You can love and be loved...you have a lot to work through..but you are worth it. I would like to help you along. And I am sure others will too...you do not have to be alone."

 

Every battle takes time, time to win, but as long as you keep trying & never give up on your life....you will win.

 

What happeneds after a week that sets you a step back? Won't getting out of that home, give you the break away that you need?

[Dako]

Tao,

 

You need a safe place and help. Your "parents" should be footing the bill for therapy, but barring that, there must be a way to get help.

You have a serious ailment that needs to be addressed before you can function with some degree of health.

 

I agree with the idea of joining a group session of folks with a similar problem. Some may bring you down, but within that group you'll find people who've found answers to share.

[chickidee23]

Thank you all for the concern given thus far.. I just feel that abuse that has gone on for a decade is jsut too much... I fgiht it make progreess than a week later I'm bback to square one.. it happens time and time again

 

I think the reason this happens is because you are surrounded by people and an environment that brings you down. How can things get better when everything around you is why you are where you are in the first place? Seriously, Tao... move out. Do whatever it takes. Nothing would be better for you than that! I would be willing to bet that once you move out, things will start looking up shortly afterwards!

[chocojay]

Sometimes the problems of the world or far beyond our own understandings our emotions, too overwhelming to try to deal with. I know that if you take your problems and put them in a bag, take them to Church and say,"Lord, here, deal with this because i simply cant!", he will. I know that many dont believe but His power is greater than that of any man, not even Dr Phil. You will have a huge sense of relieve and it will help you find yourself in the process. As much as you may think its all bogus, trust me its not. I moarned the loss of my daughter and couldnt handle it becoz i thot no mother has to ever bury their 2 week old baby and i went to God and told him, im hurting badly and i dont want to feel this any longer, take it away! He did, that was last year September and now , im pregnant again and this one is also due in September. He does hear our prayers if we tell Him and let Him run our lives instead of trying to do things ourselves. We did not Create ourelves, we ALL (INCLUDING YOU) have one Creator, call Him what u like but He is there. He LOVES YOU! HE WILL TAKE IT AWAY, IF U JUST BELIEVE! PLEASE HEED THIS ADVISE! DONT LET LIFE SEEM LIKE A ](*,) 4 U BCOZ ITS NOT! You have a purpose here, we all do! As for your parents, He will deal with them.

All the best i'll be praying for you.

All my LOVE.

[luvingxsomeonexspecial]

I dont think you should worry about your friends and girlfriend. its important for you to talk about your childhood and what happened. if they are you're real friends then they will care and want to support you.

i think maybe you should think about talking to someone professionally about what happened and then maybe you can move on and get on with your life in a better way.

xx