Dealing with limited communication

[ajcoyote]

OK, my girlfriend of 3 months has been in Africa for the last month. She's on her way back to America as i write this, although i won't see again for another two weeks.

 

Since she's been gone in Africa I talked to her maybe 6 times in 4 weeks plus a few emails. Its been hard for me not having communication but most of the time i've distracted myself writing my master's thesis.

 

Fortunately I'll have more contact with her soon, and she'll be visiting me in two weeks, and for the three months after that we'll be able to spend most weekends together (we'll be living ~ 3 hours apart).

 

So here's my question: Right now I have so many things I want to tell her and ask her about, especially deep feelings and questions about the future of our relationship (which she avoids talking about). So how long do I wait to start bringing those things up? Sometimes I feel like I want to wait until we're together to talk about 'important things', and I don't want to push her on future commitment. Maybe she'll be more receptive if I wait until we're together. But I can't put my feelings and questions on hold forever. I don't want them to boil over as they have in the past.

 

Oh, it's hard not being able to communicate with someone I love so much!

 

Peace,

 

ajcoyote

[blender]

first off, the values and standards you set for what YOU value and respect and want in a relationship are within YOU for YOU... so wait till you are with her face to face, and in a kind loving way, express to her that you have some hopes and dreams regarding your relationship.. if she then does NOT want to discuss it, then be accepting that a response of "not wanting to discuss it" is a HUGE RED FLAG.. and one that you should take notice of...

 

YOU are worthy of a loving, respectful, intentional effort from someone whom you love to make the relationship work.. with honest communication, understanding, encouragement and respect.. if she "rejects" this type of QUALITY in you.. then it's time for you to be in "acceptance" that she might speak a whole different "emotional language" than you.. and it is best for you to maintain your "values/standards" and tell her that unless she is open to making an exclusive intentional respectful loving effort to work on the relationship, YOU are not going to hang around for the "maybe's and crumbs"..

[arwen]

I recognize your problem. I have been in LDR for a while (we split up, but don't let that get you down!!!) with an Italian man. I noticed a difficult pattern even in the beginning stages, when we would finally be together our time would be so precious that we didn't want to waste it on the heavy issues that we were both bothered by. When we were apart, the distance itself was the reason not to discuss the same issues. You need to open up at one point. I think that seeing that you are still BOTH planning on seeing each other and that you are not so far away from a longer period of time that the distance will be 'oversee-able' (my current relation is also restricted to weekends due to distance)... you might want to wait how things work out. I see the same red flag as Blender, but I wonder if you BOTH are doing the 'not addressing the heavy stuff when finally together'. Did you try to talk about your thoughts/feelings?

 

Arwen

[ajcoyote]

So I finally got to talk to her last night (after not talking to her for a full week while she was in Africa), and she completely surprised me by bringing up our future together - just what I'd been thinking about but was afraid to bring up. This from the same girl who has told me repeatedly from the very beginning that she avoids commitment and doesn't like to plan for the future! Somehow I believe our love for one another has broken many boundaries for both of us.

 

So she brought up all sorts of ways that we could be together, find work in the same area, etc... i really can't believe it. I had convinced myself from the very beginning that it would never happen - that she was too independent, it would never work in the long run. There's still a lot to work out, but really I never thought this relationship would mature to the stage its at.

 

So here I am flabbergasted, trying to stay present while fondly imagining future possiblities.