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how my love for him is taking over my life


nychick
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after browsing this site i noticed that a lot of people are posting problems about their mate's behavior but this is different this is a probelm i have with my love and it goes like this.. i have been dating this guy for about 2 years and he is absolutely wonderful, a girl cant ask for a better guy he has everything looks, caring heart, masculinity.... etc basically the whole package.. the more i got to know him the more i fell in love with him and eventually became obsessed over him.. i see him around once a week cuz he is very busy so the days i dont see him im completely depressed i feel worthless i dont even feel like looking nice when im not with him because i dont want to impress anyone, i think to myself "why should i look nice if im not going to see him" and i know what you are thinking of "you should do it for yourself" but i dont need to cuz i KNOW i can look good if i wanted to in minutes.. i just choose to match my looks with my mood...i think about him 24/7 literally! basically the feeling i feel when im not with him is like detaching twin babies head on head.. i can ONLY masterbate and get turned on to him by looking at his picture (if im not with him) nothing and no one else can turn me on even if the hottest guy was standing next to me shirtless all dieseled up. i am disgusted by every guy who is not him and even found myself to be very rude to them cuz of that. i realized that my life revolves only around him and recently something weird happened this little phase im going through i realized gotten worse when lately i cry my eyes out almost everyday as a result of how much i love him (mainly) and what a great guy im lucky to have. Now since this has gotten worse, everytime i see him i get so nervous, butterflies in my stomach, sweating., stuttering, cant stop smiling,..etc... its like he takes me away to a world of bliss. i love to stare at his beatiful face, i even found myself at a place we were eating me drooling looking at him i dont know how god made a guy who is so good looking with such a good heart usually guys who look so go od are such jerks ..i elimintaed SO MANY people out of my life that were pointless people to be friends with its like he is the only one i have in my life (he feels the same way) my bf is my best friend and im comfortable to do and say ANYTHING in front of him,.. everytime he is in a bad mood i feel what he feels... i even have a little shrine of him hidden in my closet where i save his gum (i have like 30 of them), collect pieces of his hair from my pillow.. anything that is part of him i save.. i swallow his cum because of this psychological thought that i have that his sperm will swim inside my body thereforeeee its like he is inside of me, i NEVER have sex with a condom because i need him to be inside of me raw in order for me to feel aroused (sex with him for me is all emotions, very little physical.... i think about my feelings for him when we have sex which makes me orgasm i dont care much of the physical pleasure)..im scared to even imagine what would i would do to myself if we broke up i never experienced that becasue we have such a good serious relantionship and always work things out... its so funny how today when i was with him even though i felt nervous to be around him cuz i love him so much (which i shouldnt be nervous about) i felt like a whole person and actually worth sometihng but as soon as i came out of his car its like half of my soul vanished away because we split our ways. my bf knows im obsessed over him cuz i told him but he does not know HOW obsessed i really am over him. he thinks its "cute" and laughs cuz he does not really know what goes on in my head lol.... its SO HARD to put in words how really obsessed i am over him *sigh* even after reading what i jsut wrote it still does not sound how obsessive i actually really am.. well from what you read.. what do you think ? do you think this is normal?

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Well, maybe you might want to talk to a therapist.. it's so important to NOT wrap your identity up in someone else, anyone else. that is not "love".. that is trying to "attain" a sense of self through someone else's presense...this can prove to be very draining for you and for him in the long run.. so before you let it "grow in your mind" even more.. try to seek some professional help..

 

the good news is at least you are aware that is an "obsession" and that is a start.. because "authentic mature emotionally healthy love" is not "obsessive, needy, or "self worthiness involved in the other"... Authentic, mature emotionally healthy love can only be build and last on a foundation of reality, SHARED values, and with two complete happy independent individuals who trust, love, cherish, respect, and yet still have a personal validation inside themselves on their own...independent of the other.. in a happy confident sincere self loving way.

 

So if you think that you may actually "love" this man, then perhaps it is best to get yourself some professional help now so you can learn to love him in a healthy way.. not in an obsessive, eventually destructive way..

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Is this "normal"? Not for me ..no. I don;t think it's healthy to idolize ANYONE. Regardless of who they are, how good looking, or anything. I think what you have described is sincerely psycho. You save his GUM??? ick......

Sorry, that is just beyond weird to me...I guess I just don't understand your "obsession" over another human being.

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I think you need to develop a life outside of your bf and make some friends so that you can hang out and have a life outside your bf. Because, what would happen to you if the worst case scenario happened and he BROKE UP WITH YOU. It CAN happen and does happen to the best of relationships. You really need to have your own life otherwise you will drain this relationship dry.

 

I do think you should seek therapy because your clinginess to your boyfriend is bordering obsession, considering you have a small SHRINE to him and you collect his used gum. Um!!!!!

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you are obsessed and are losing yourself in this dude. its not normal, collecting gum?..ick...its SO not normal...its strange, its like you are his biggest fan. You'll find that u dont actually love him but you have a space in your mind where he has taken over everything else and this is not normal human love behaviour. Seek help seriously or YOU WILL ruin a potentially great relstionship. He may thnk its "cute" now, not for long tho. You'll push him away. Its far too clingy,obsessive and you need to seek professional help or else you may lose him if this behaviour continues, its very dangerous.

Good Luck!

LOL

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You are in a very difficult situation, if more common than you might imagine. To be strongly into someone, thinking about them frequently throughout the day, and keeping their e-mails for example, during the first few months of a relationship is normal. To think about someone all day, to be lost and depressed without them, two years into a relationship is unfortunately rather more extreme; as you say, obsessive.

 

Read the book 'Obsessive Love' by Susan Forward, and see if you can identify with some of the stories there (I read it when a former friend of mine described very similar feelings to the ones you've described here, and I was trying to understand it). The difficulty is that the only reliable way to overcome obsession, including with professional assistance if possible, is to break, or at least limit, contact with the obsessive target. If you're in a relationship with them, and obviously breaking it off is a non-starter for you and I entirely understand that, then it's difficult to see how this can be achieved.

 

But as the others say, do at least consult a professional about it, and take a look at that book. I feel for you, I really do.

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these are feeling and emotions i dont expose to him.. i told him im obsessive its not like he realized on his own.. and soemone commented on that i dont really love him its just obsessed but its not true . i would do things to sacrifice my happines just for him to be happy even if its means im misrerable, if he is happy im happy but along this love there is an obsession as well which i have. i am very dependant on him for my happiness in my life..but im thankful that im not obsessed over a jerk i have a reason to be obssesed with this guy due to his caring heart. if he was a jerk im not sure i would be obsessed over him.. and another person posted something about getting a book that would be benficial to read in the situtation im going for.. but that book is about when ur obssessed over someone and its hard to let go.. why would iw ant to let go of him? that would be the STUPIDEST thing i would do in my life, cuz like i said this guy is the sweetest guy i know and i think that is why im obssesed over him

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Love is not about "GIVING UP YOURSELF" for the other person, it is being your best, happy, fulfilled, balanced, emotionally healthy self on your own..and THEN you are able to fully love another in a healthy long lasting way. just maybe what you are describing is not "healthy love" it's "co-dependent self destructive" type of "obsession"... this is not a ''judgement" of your feelings, just an alternate perspective..and it's a response so that you may be ENCOURAGED to seek some help so you might define your sense of self independently of him for your own sake and happiness.

 

You don't "have" someone in life.. you share what you already have with someone...

 

so "letting go" is about trusting your own self worth, and being your best self, fulfilled in who YOU are on your own, and then sharing this with the one you love. Maybe you feel that "letting go" means you "lose" someone?

 

Try thinking of this way. "hanging onto someone out of obsession is like trying to catch running water with a tight fist"...eventually you feel nothing but an "ache" in your muscle.. a "frustration" that you can't "catch the water and HOLD ON TO IT, OWN IT.... hanging on doesn't work.. Instead open your hand, let the water flow through your fingers so you may feel, appreciate and respect the "moment" and the joyful miracle of something so precious... this is love...

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.. and another person posted something about getting a book that would be benficial to read in the situtation im going for.. but that book is about when ur obssessed over someone and its hard to let go..

 

It's also about rebuilding the relationship on a happy and healthy basis afterwards. It is not exclusively about walking away forever.

 

why would iw ant to let go of him?

 

Okay, well you asked....how about these reasons

 

i see him around once a week cuz he is very busy so the days i dont see him im completely depressed i feel worthless i dont even feel like looking nice when im not with him

 

i think about him 24/7 literally! basically the feeling i feel when im not with him is like detaching twin babies head on head

 

i realized that my life revolves only around him and recently something weird happened this little phase im going through i realized gotten worse when lately i cry my eyes out almost everyday as a result of how much i love him (mainly)

 

i elimintaed SO MANY people out of my life that were pointless people to be friends with its like he is the only one i have in my life

 

everytime he is in a bad mood i feel what he feels

 

im scared to even imagine what would i would do to myself if we broke up

 

as soon as i came out of his car its like half of my soul vanished away because we split our ways

 

even after reading what i jsut wrote it still does not sound how obsessive i actually really am

 

Do you think you're happy, and that nothing needs to change? An alcholic will tell you that they shouldn't give up alcohol because it's the only thing that makes them happy. Of course, once they've given up, they realise that in fact it was the root of their unhappiness. I'm sorry to say it, but your present approach to the relationship is your alcohol, and you sound like an alcholic. Maybe you're not ready to give up your bottle yet, but I sincerely hope you will soon, for your sake.

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As much as you say you love him, would you want the best for him? If yes, and tomorrow, your boyfriend said "I think we need to separate until you find yourself first; build a foundation within yourself first, before trying to build it on someone else - aka - me."

 

Would you listen to him?

 

Would you do what he says? If so, then your love is true. If not, then you're just being selfish, which is not true love.

 

True love only happens when both people love their own self equally compared to how much they love their partner. Never, ever, ever put someone on a pedestal above yourself!

 

Obsession only proves that something good is seriously lacking in your life, not that this guy is seemingly perfect... because he's not. People are thankful for the person they think is great, not obessive!

 

Obsessiveness all the more shows lack of self-respect and self-worth! If you do not love yourself (respect is found in true love), then you cannot truly love someone else.

 

Why? Because, that person wants you to love yourself, yet you're not doing it! Why aren't you doing what you know the one you profess to love is asking you to simply do?

 

On top of this, wouldn't you feel so great knowing that a person truly loves their own self, and still chooses to be with you? Wouldn't that make you feel good, that they feel you're truly worth their time? Then do the same in return!

 

I'm with the others: seek a good counselor to speak with about this, please.

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UPDATE! well i just saw my boyfriend yesterday (like i said i see him around once a week) and i think he catched on to the concept of my obsession for him... i chose not to go naywhere because i wanted to be alone with him in his house and so we did i found myself literally staring at him and clinged on to him for the 4 hours i was there.. he kept telling me to stop it cuz he needed some room to breathe and he told me its a very awkward feeling for someone to be observing him an inch away from his face, he told me its not normal to do such things and other crap...he was like "sometimes you can do it when my attention is awayfrom something but c'mon when im watching tv youre observing me??"..the whole time i was with him my mouth muscles were locked into smiles i felt like i was a whole when i saw him yesterday.. but i felt very sad that i got rejected by him all i wanted to do was to be close to him as possible as much as i wanted to .. its so funny how the whole week i looked like crap and yesterday i looked so good even though we were not going anywhere but the image for him is what is important.. i only realize i have beauty when i see him cuz i try to look good for only him

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It sounds to me like you are confusing love for him with your insecurity and neediness. Loving someone means being inspired to give to the other person. He asked you to give him a little breathing room and space because your clinginess made him uncomfortable. But, you couldn't do that because that would interfere with your need to feel this high and to put him on a pedestal - your behavior was selfish, not loving because the root of it is your needs and not his well being.

 

He makes you feel whole not because you love him but because you don't feel whole on your own so being able to tell yourself that this handsome nice guy wants you and likes being with you makes you feel worthy as a person. Not healthy.

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With my boyfriend, I feel, in a sense, the same as you, except I don't collect his used gum =/

 

I feel sad when I'm not with him but I can manage a few days =P

 

I was once in a relationship where my boyfriend was completely dependant on me. He was very clingy, and it got annoying after a while. I realised he was being dependant instead of loving when he kept asking for hugs every 5 seconds when I was trying to do homework, and crying every 10 seconds. I didn't want to be in a relationship where my "absense" (I put it in inverted commas due to being in the same room as him, just not paying attention to him) made me feel guilty.

 

What I'm saying is, he might get annoyed with you if you act clingy =P

 

Instead of crying when you're not with him, indulge yourself in nice thoughts of him, and look forward to when you next see him =) ...and try to go easy on the gum collection...

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