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what's worse and when is it cheating?

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Today I found an email from a girl who does webcam stuff in my boyfriend's inbox and a verification email from link removed


I confronted him about it and he said SHE contacted HIM through IM and signed him up for the website despite his protests. I'm having a hard time swallowing that. I don't believe she contacted him (the subject line of the email was Re: Re: John wants to talk to you) and I don't believe she would have created a login name and password for him that so suits his personality. He denies the entire thing.


So what's worse... that he's online in this sense or that he's lying about it? When is it cheating? I've always thought cyber sex was cheating... what do ya'll think?

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Well, actually, she may have contacted him. A lot of those cam sites do contact people. I get IMs from cam girls pretty regularly. But I don't think they can legally sign you up for anything without your concent. That part of his story is probably a lie.


I personally think anything you you do with somone else knowing your SO would be uncomfortable with it is cheating. But that is just my take. If he knows this makes you uncomfortable, yet comtinues to do it, he might as well be cheating on you, in other words.

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I think that if you consider webcam cybersex cheating, then it is. That's why it's so important to have conversations regarding the definition of "cheating" in a relationship with your SO in this day and age. People have vastly different barriers as to what they are comfortable with. You might consider trying to find out if this is a public webcam on that site - ie, any user can access it, or if it is just the two of them "conversing" in private.


It's hard, but I'd suggest that you talk to him more about it and define what is OK with you. For eg, maybe internet porn is fine with you but one on one communications in the cybersex genre are not. Take it as an opportunity to have a heart to heart.


As to whether he is lying, this does sound like a flimsy excuse but it could be true. The only way you'll know is if he is willing to open up about it. If he is unwilling to have a rational dialogue about something that obviously hurts you so much, that seems like a bigger problem than any of the above.


Good luck!

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This has been an ongoing thing with us... he's doing suspicious things, I'm snooping. I've never been a snooper before and it bugs me to do it, but I really think he's lied to me in the past and is lying now. That's a whole other question... is it ever okay to snoop? If so, when? If not, why not?

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well, lying makes me nervous, especially if the person repeatedly lies about something that is obviously not too credible (i.e., avoids confrontation and taking his lumps when you are displeased or worse).


i agree that he can't be responsible for spam of any kind, but signing him up for an account and the interaction continuing... welllll, that's a stretch...


so maybe you need to open a serious dialogue about what kind of behavior you find acceptable in a relationship, including things like the webcam, and potential lying to avoid confrontation...

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btw, the constant need to snoop when it's not normal behavior for you probably means your intuition is kicking in and telling you something is not right... i think privacy violations are not the best habits in a relationship, but then if he is cheating and lying about it, that could risk your health and be dangerous these days...


so follow through with your hunches for a while, and see if there are any other warning signs that might prove to be right, or whether he does things to reassure you rather than make you wonder what he's up to....

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All advice above is good, and I agree.


The cheating perspective that I have most useful is kind of what HellFrost said about people's comfort levels. A behaviour is "wrong" if you know you would never do it in front of your SO, or with their 100% knowledge. Once you start doing stuff with other people that you know you need to hide or lie about, it's a slippery slope.


That, to me, is the biggest problem. If your guy is establishing patterns that he knows you do not approve of, there is an issue.


I want to put a caveat on the above though - sometimes people hide stuff because they think their SO will overreact - it's not a genuine guilt thing but a desire to avoid what they see as unnecessary conflict. Those sorts of subjective areas are where this gets blurry. If he pulls that on you I guess all you can do is try and keep an open mind, but stay true to your beliefs.


I don't think you would be overreacting by the way.

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I think just based on the fact that you got suspicious enough to the point where you had to snoop is enough of a problem.


When a person snoops, it is either because they are suspicous of something and think they might find something.. or they are insecure and need to know what their significant other is up to, good or bad. Both are a problem to the relationship when you think about it.


Was the email opened before you saw it?


I really don't believe the fact that some random girl signed him up personally. I mean, if some random person signed me up for their cam, I would be upset and delete the email and block them because that's kind of scary. I have seen those IMs before, like when they are a robot, but those can't sign you up for something without some personal info.


Which speaking of, if she really signed him up, what's he doing giving his info out to some random girl anyway?


I don't buy his excuse at all.

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I'd drop you like a hot rock for snooping... Regardless of the fact that his story doesn't add up, hacking in it wrong, and I wouldn't tell you the truth or a lie regardless of what you did.


If your not comfortable with what was done, and you feel wronged by it, then it's cheating. There's nothing cut and dry. It's personal.

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Here is something that I found interesting.


My s/o had the same stuff in his email. When I asked him about it he told me that he had never been to a web cam site before and he didn't know how those sites got his email address. He said it's just spam. Well, spam usually doesn't have your exact name on it...and this did. I also looked at the chat logs and they had been cleared recently...hummm!


So, this is what I did....


I set up an email account to test this. I went to the site and IM'd a girl. She was all over me...(lol, I had a mans name on the account) then she asked me to join her room...so I went to it and it wanted a cc number. I logged off.

The very next day...low and behold I had several emails from this web cam site! They traced my IP address!


So, you tell me...does a person need to visit the site and IM with a person there? I think so.

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^ Not always... Not to argue but I have never been to a cam site either, and I get IMs on yahoo from random cam sites. Some of those site have trolls that look for people and try to talk them into joining.


And then you have the IM bots that sites like that send out too. I see your point, but some of them do just randomly contact people.


But to the original poster, once again, I don't think they can sign you up for anything without concent, but they can contact you and try to get you to sign up all they want.

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That could be very true....however, I've had the same hotmail account for six years now and not one time have I received a web cam email...or any other type of spam of that nature....including porn or dating sites....and his is loaded with all of these.


Thats one reason I set up another email account to do this with...I didn't want my regular email to get trash.

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Well yea. You are talking about email exclusively. I am talking more about IMs. I don't get email from sites like that either. IMs are a lot more open. All somone has to do is see you online to IM you. But they can't email you without an address. I guess I just got confused for a minute.


I am a dumb blond, forgive me, lol.

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I think before we all point who did what, it's more of what kind of relationship do you have that would cause something like this? You snooping in? Him talking to other girls online?


It's a crappy situation either way. People shouldn't have to hide and lie (if he is) in a relationship.

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I think before we all point who did what, it's more of what kind of relationship do you have that would cause something like this? You snooping in? Him talking to other girls online?


It's a crappy situation either way. People shouldn't have to hide and lie (if he is) in a relationship.


i totally agree.


something is terribly worng here for him to be sneaking around online, and you sneaking around his emails.

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just my 2 cents... although this all sounds pretty suspicious; I have personally received spam emails that have re: in the subject line, to trick you into opening them. They can be quite deceptive, even suggesting you signed up. I don't know the details but spam has gotten quite eloborate...nonetheless it doesn't sound good to me.



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I too got one in my e-mail the other day..


It seemed real, like someone really typed it out, and it was all spelled correct and from a gmail account.


It had links and this and that in it. I've never been to a webcam site, I have however, been to a porn site, so I assume it could be from that, even though I've never entered my e-mail address to anything.


I would tread carefully.

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