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I feel used...must express thoughts..


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I just need some time to vent. I need to get my thoughts straight. I thought I was over her...I think its been about a month of NC and its helped me. until today. Lets begin with one of my friends, not too close friends, just we know each other. Lets begin with him telling me some things about my ex that I OUGHT NOT TO HEAR. But I listened anyway and I dont know how to feel. . I then passed her in the hallway again, with that other guy. I think shes starting to be interested in him because shes doing the same things with him that she did with me. This girl has a bad reputation. Alot of people know her as a person who messes around with lots of guys.. She doesnt look like one. She looks like a nice girl, but she is way more. I kind of knew this in the back of my mind when we dated, but I gave her a chance because she was so nice to me, I thought that shed have changed her actions when she met me. Obviously shes back to her old ways. Going through her cycle of guys...I dont know if I should feel bad for her, or for the guy.

 

I feel used basically because another one of my friends (shes also friends with my ex) told me some things I OUGHT NOT TO HEAR. But It kind of slipped and, well I heard it anyway... . Basically she said "I heard usually tells her bf that she loves them like 2 or 3 days after they start going out." My heart sunk because thats exactly what she did to me. Which made me think, shes been with 4 other guys before me(not including her countless hookups) and probably told them this too, what made me so special to her? Then I began to think, what if everything between us was a lie and I fell for it...I am not a very gullible person, but what can I do when she says "I love you"? I couldnt say "no you dont, you are lying".

 

What made me so special to her? If she took her time out to go out with me, there must have been something.

 

So! This girl that I gave my heart and soul to probably didnt care at all about me.

 

Sometimes I want to cry, just at the mere thought of her. Not because shes gone but because maybe she cant control her sexual actions. Not to say shes had sex before, or goes about it freely, but that she just hooks up with guy after guy after guy. Does she even care? Does she know what shes doing? She said she would never want to hurt me on purpose, but does she really mean it now that i know this?

 

I remember when she told me she loved me. Surely enough it was shortly after we got together. As far as I know i was shocked to hear it because I thought love is something that 2 people accumulate over time, we had only been friends for 2 months and dating for about 2-3 days. But It felt like love to me. To her? Probably just another guy to come and go.

 

I think what It all boils down to is this: Ive grown so attatched to her, that I feel like im obligated to 'watch' over her. Its weird i know, but thats the only way I can explain it. I feel like I was one of her closest friends before we got together and when we were together she told me that I was her best bf (regardless of whether she was just sweet talking me, it was true anyway ).

 

I know it seems like a bunch of random thoughts, thats because it is. I just need to get my head in order. I need to vent out my anger, jealousy, other feelings out basically by posting here. I run out of breath talking to my friends.

 

I guess I can say I kind of want her back but I dont want a girl who acts the way she does for a gf. Kinda contradicting myself in that statement...but those are my thoughts. I think I tried to change her when we were together. I had heard some true things about her past and I thought that by being with me she would learn to commit. But, *sigh*, she didnt.

 

Things I know:

I cant make her come back.

I dont COUNT on her coming back either.

I cant interfere with her life now.

As hard as it may be I need to live life thinking she will never come back.

 

Im trying to drive the road to healing but there are detours that remind me and send me back where I came from.

 

And im spent. I dont think i have anymore thoughts left. Feel free to comment, or give advice.

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Alot of people know her as a person who messes around with lots of guys.. She doesnt look like one. She looks like a nice girl.

This made me lol...

 

apart from that, you have to let her go and do what she wants to do.

Venting is good and its a good thing that you know where you stand and that you are realistic... just keep chugging along, you will stop feeling so betrayed eventually

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I know that its hard right now, but you have to move along.

She's off doing her own thing, and she's going to do what she wants to do whether the world approve's or not. I can understand your contradiction on wanting her back, but feeling as though she isn't the girl for you. Those feelings will go away and you will realize that getting over her is the only option you have at this point.

 

you deserve better.

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Hey Masu,

 

I know you're going through a rough time w/this breakup, but I hope you recognize that you are SO young right now and will have many wonderful relationships ahead of you. You'll look back on this one and wonder how she ever got under your skin. I want to tell you something. I thought I was IN LOVE with this guy I dated in high school; it took me about 6 months to get over it, and we only dated for 3 months!! In the scheme of things, 3 months is not that long, but at the time, I was practically dying over this guy. Fast forward 6 years later....I saw my high school ex out the other night, and I can tell you I feel nothing for him except for having friendly feelings towards him. I'm telling you this b/c you should know there are going to be TONS of girls in your life, and this girl is just one of many; the one you are hung up on right now sounds extremely immature and foolish anyway. You're at a time in your life when you should have fun and not get tied down to any one person.

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