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Dealing with Breakup- Avoiding Regrets

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I, like many people here had a sudden unexplained breakup, and my ex isn't telling me what happened.


So far I have been doing no contact.


Is this really the way to behave in relation to a breakup so as to retain dignity and grace?


I want to handle this the best way I can to get my self esteem back and so that when I look back and I can feel proud of myself?


Is it better to get angry? Tel the ex off? Disappear? Scream and rage in private but never show the ex this side?


Also is the way to get the ex back the same way as whatever method would retain dignity? Or do you have to try for one or the other?

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I wouldn't try anything with the aim of getting them back. Try something with the aim of getting over them, and if it gets them back, great, if not, at least you will have moved on.


I suffered a...well I wouldn't say unexpected break up, but it still broke my heart, and there were unanswered questions. I managed to get him to answer a couple, but right after he said "I'll answer anything else you want to know.." he completely ignored me, and the two things I wanted to know. From then I just forgot him. Well tried to. I went NC and got back to myself and though there are a lot of things that I'm still really unsure about...I'm just going to have to deal with it in my own way. He's left me to make up my mind about things, which was a really stupid idea. Everything he did became amplified when he didn't answer me, and now I'm starting to regret the whole relationship, which I know he doesn't want.


I suggest NC. It's difficult, especially when there are all these things that you don't know, but could find out from them. But in the end it is the best way to break your addiction to them and get yourself back, and once more become the fabulous person you were before you met them.



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to the op, from personal experience...it will make you feel so much stronger, and make them second guess themselves if you wish them well and disappear. NC.


make them wonder about you..where you are, what you are doing..maybe your gone. at the same time, it will give you a chance to reflect on past mistakes, be selfish, work on yourself, grieve, cry, scream, and act how you want...but in your ex's eyes, you were strong, mature, and classy.


do not give a reason to empower his or her decision. it is brutally hard, and goes against everything you WANT to say, but a few months down the road..you will be thankful you went out like that. i have not spoken with my ex since the day she dumped me and we were together for 3.5 years.

its 7 months later.


good luck!

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Not since the day she dumped you? That is strong. But your ex still hasn't contacted you. So it makes no difference anyway does it?


I have to contact my ex in relation to our apartment together which sux. Will that ruin everything? I have been just talking business and nothing more.

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This is a very good answer, spot on. To give a little more clarity. If you wanted to end things with someone and they behaved in a needy way or a disrespectul or obsesive way you would think less of them and this would reafirm your desicion not to be with them. The other person after they realised the relationship is 100% gone will regret their reactions.


So hard as it seems NC is the best way, but before you do this its best to make 100% clear to the ex that this is not what you want and that you want to reconcile.


The hard part is if they say NO.

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Grief is natural, allow yourself to go thru it....


Examples ;


1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.



2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.



3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.



4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.



5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.



Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

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Kate, I'm a strong defensor of "treat them as they have treated you." I'm not telling you to take a revenge on him. I'm telling you to show him you just don't care as much as he thinks (even if that's not true). You would like to get some answers, that's ok, but that's only that. Show him there's nothing to worry about it.

My sugestion is to keep your NC, stick to it for some time (one month or until you feel confortable enough), contact him to deal only about the apartment and take that oportunity to show him what I've told you before (the answers you are trying to get are not that important to you, don't talk about it to him, lat him do the talking).

This is a hell of a strategy but I think it will give you the time to look for yourself, your relationship and will make him feel that his actions didn't caused you any major wounds. Probably he will conclude that and the next time will treat you (or any other girl) more respectfully.

And the most important of all: DON'T CREATE ANY EXPECTATIONS. Think that a "NO" is guaranted. All the rest that might come, if they come. are the bonuses.

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