is this as good as it gets?

[locolady]

I am 22 years old, female, i have a degree and have just been accepted to a graduate training programme at a PR firm in London (i move next week), i have lots of good friends, i go out plenty, i have travelled, i have a wonderful family, i've always landed on my feet, i find socialising fairly easy and rewarding, i;m seeing a great guy who treats me very well....basically i've had a good ride so far....

 

but i am also so unhappy.

 

18 months ago my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me, we broke up and he has never ever looked back. He has a new girlfriend now, we do not speak at all.

 

I was absolutely devastated, i did and still do miss him in ways i never thought possible, i ache for him.

 

I have moved on a lot and i'm happier now than i thought i would be....BUT i just cannot shake these feelings of worthlessness. I feel so utterly repulsive and i've just lost all hope that i will ever find love. I do not feel that i will ever be able to satisfy a man.

 

Basically, i feel that no matter what i do, how i improve myself, how hard i work at my career, in the gym, no matter how kind or funny i try to be, nothing can ever change the fact that someone walked away from me, never missed me and never looked back. I am worthless, its a proven fact.

 

I used to be such a romantic, all i dreamed of was love, i do still dream of getting married, being a fantastic, supportive wife but i'm so afraid that it will never happen. i thought i had a lot to offer but when he walked away he showed that i was wrong, i am wrong so what else is there in life to hope for? i have never wanted anything else.

 

What is the point in working so hard to try to move on when the basic facts cannot change? i couldnt satisfy my ex-boyfriend, ultimately i was not good enough, ultimately i never will be.

 

Is this thinly veiled pain, this facade of happiness that i have now (my friends are so sick of hearing about my heartbreak, and everyone thinks i should have moved on by now that i'm pretending every day) is this as good as life gets once youve seen the truth of disappointment?

 

 

Thanks for any input, loco

[sidehop]

I'm very sorry to hear about your past.

 

If it came down to only 'you', who else is going to make you happy? You're the only one. No one will understand the pain you're going through yet we've all gone through similar situation where things seem to have no point or a future.

 

But it sounds like you're are very intelligent and a great person not to mention having a bright future. Not very many young people can achieve such accomplishment at young age so you need to give yourself some credit!

 

The right person will come along & you have to believe in yourself. Yes, sometimes things may not go right all the time, but don't blame yourself and call yourself worthless. He's the one that decided to leave something wonderful and that gives you an open door for the wonderful man you've always wanted to be with. And that person will be very lucky to be with you.

 

Four years is a long time but tell yourself each day what you have to offer for yourself and others. You should be proud! You should be mad at him for leaving you behind. There's absolutely no reason to blame yourself!

 

Keep up the good work and focus on you right now Things WILL get better. We're all here to cheer you up

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi Locolady,

 

I'm so sorry that you feel so blue - but look at yourself! You have just been accepted at a PR firm (after uni - may I add that is v rare as most Grads end up temping for ages until they land their first opportunity) in London, the capital. You have wonderful friends and family and you have so much to look forward to, you really do.

 

Your ex did cheat on you but that has NO bearing whatsoever on you. His action was not because of you -> it was a choice he had, and took by HIMSELF. He decided to give up your love because he was simply not worthy of you. You need to understand this -> HE WAS NOT WORTHY. HE KNEW IT AND DECIDED TO LET YOU GO BECAUSE OF IT.

 

You are so young and you deserve a man who will hold you. A man who would never even think of cheating on you because he knows your worth and how much you mean to him.

 

You also need to love yourself. You need to know that you have so much to give to others and so much to give to yourself. Having a rels with a man does not define you or your greatness. I mean it!

 

Hugs!

 

MvdS x

[locolady]

thanks for your sensitive reply, i was half expecting to be told i was being a spoilt brat!

 

In my heart though i feel that if any of the good things you (or my family or friends) say about me can not possibly be true.....if they were, he would have missed me, he would have come back. Instead he found someone better. I dont know how to explain this any other way?

[adahy]

What is the point in working so hard to try to move on when the basic facts cannot change? i couldnt satisfy my ex-boyfriend, ultimately i was not good enough, ultimately i never will be.

 

I think you're WAY too hard on yourself. Sounds like you're a great, well-rounded, bright person. The fact that your BF cheated, does not make you a failure! Men cheat for all sorts of reasons....but mostly they're just weak. Most people of a reasonable age have been cheated on, whether they know it or not....but it is not their fault.

You can second guess things in life. Perhaps your life would've been much worse had he stayed in your life. We just don't know those things. When someone cheats, it is hard to let go of that....and very often I think it is not because we liked a person, or had a future with them. I think it's because of an inate desire within ourselves to be wanted...or to win in some cases. But, we can let that influence the reality of a situation and make us feel like a failure....or make us long for something that wasn't good to begin with. Whatever the case, you aren't a failure and you shouldn't feel like one. You are a winner, and the sooner your are rid of a cheater the better. You're only 22, so yes, life has a lot more to offer!

[adahy]

thanks for your sensitive reply, i was half expecting to be told i was being a spoilt brat!

 

In my heart though i feel that if any of the good things you (or my family or friends) say about me can not possibly be true.....if they were, he would have missed me, he would have come back. Instead he found someone better. I dont know how to explain this any other way?

 

I agree w/ Mavis. Men do often cheat because they are not "worthy". They find lesser women because they are weak men...and need a lesser woman for their own ego. Move on...be happy!

[dreamingwithabrokenheart]

locolady, I'm sooo sorry that you're feeling this way. My ex girlfriend cheated on me as well after six years together, I bought an engagement ring a month before I found out too. I gave her everything, moved back from New York, left an Ivy league university, gave up my dreams, was her support when her family didn't support her...

 

First, let me tell you that you have a lot going on for you. I know its tough and there is still pain, I still have many bad days even though I feel like I'm doing 500% better since the break up. You are too good for your ex and soon you will find someone that will love you as you deserve to be loved. Not sure what else to say other than I feel exactly how you are... I've gone on a few dates here and there and been living life but I can't seem to get rid of the memory how she could just walk away and act like we never loved each other.

[majord23]

In my heart though i feel that if any of the good things you (or my family or friends) say about me can not possibly be true.....if they were, he would have missed me, he would have come back. Instead he found someone better. I dont know how to explain this any other way?

 

You don't need to explain it any other way, all you have to do is look at the bigger picture.

 

Unless we all marry the first person that we fall in love with, or we end all of our relationships mutually...then every relationship leading to marriage (and sometimes beyond) ends with someone walking away from another.

 

That doesn't mean that the person being left behind is worthless, it just means that the two people in the relationship were looking for different things at different times. Sometimes it is circumstance, sometimes it is compatability...and sometimes it is because of the inconsiderate actions of one or both parties.

 

Let's start from scratch here - forget your ex for a moment and ask yourself this: Do you consider yourself to be a better, bigger, stronger person than someone who cheats?

 

Yes or no?....

[Mavis VDSande]

I agree w/ Mavis. Men do often cheat because they are not "worthy". They find lesser women because they are weak men...and need a lesser woman for their own ego. Move on...be happy!

 

One of my friends was with his gf for 5 years. One night he did a stupid thing. He slept with some girl he met at a bar.

 

The reason to why he did it was because he didn't want to sort out his rels problems with his gf. He was a coward. He even says now that he was a coward. He knew she was just too good for him anyway.

 

You say that your ex should be missing you etc if you are all these things your family and friends say you are? Your ex knows that he's not worthy of you. You're up there, he's down there. There's no point.

 

Except what happened has really hurt you and you need to start appreciated and loving yourself now.

 

You say you long for love and romance. Well, true love starts from the inside. Please understand that you must love yourself first and the rest will follow!

 

Hugs x

[Hope75]

Locolady,

 

It's interested that with all that you have accomplished that you put all of your self worth into what one, cheating, lying person thinks of you.

 

You think that you are worthless because he walked away after cheating? Why is his opinion worth so much to you? Why does it account for everything? This is a guy whom after 4 years had the gall and lack of respect to cheat on you.... is his opinion really all that?

 

I think when you start looking at yourself for what you are, and not for what some two-timing jerk saw you as, you will view yourself in a whole different light.

 

What about the guy that you are seeing now? How do you feel about him?

[locolady]

wow thanks for all these replies, theres some great advice in here.

 

I know i shouldnt put my self-worth into one person, i think now that i was so young and overwhelmed by my ex-boyfriend, i idolised him. It was exhausting trying to be what he wanted as it changed all the time! Thing is, everyone i know adores him, being with him is like having this light shining on you, he is such a great person - everyone else just thinks ahhh he made one silly mistake, it doesnt make him a bad person. Yet for me, it devastated everything.

 

He now has a new life, new friends and new girlfriend who is much prettier and thinner than me. he's really happy. I guess thats what drives home that its me that is wrong and worthless, he has moved on and found someone else...i offered nothing unique or worth fighting for.

 

The guy i;m seeing now is lovely, ive been honest with him and said i'm not ready for a relationship and he's happy to just spend time with me. He's great and has so much to offer but i cant help feeling a little bit sad everytime he compliments me - i just cant believe it - it if were true, my ex wouldnt have been able to walk away so easily.

 

I know true happiness has to come from inside - but i have no idea how to do this. Nothing i ever do can change the past, nothing i do or become will make my ex regret what he did or miss me or think i'm worthwhile. I dont know how to judge myself other than from the way others react to me....no matter how many friends i have or nice things i do for people or a good person i try to be.....he still left, he never cared and he replaced me. Surely then everyone i know would be able to do that - i just dont matter that much or make enough of an impression. Even when im happy or i know things are good - if im having a great time with friends or something, in the back of my mind i hear myself saying "stop kidding yourself, youre rubbish, he left, you cant possibly be any good." I dont know how to change this.

 

Thanks again