NC for 6 days

[dgtx]

Well my gf and I broke up on Jan. 4- pretty mutual. She has been very bossy and controlling to me. After we broke up, she kept calling and asking for help- first her car was stuck and she needed help, next she needed help getting her son's bed out of my house. Every time she called me she needed something. I agreed to help her, because that's all I've done for her. I paid for three trips so we could care for her dying father. She borrowed my 2nd car for a year while hers was broken down in my driveway. All the time she was telling me how I didn't appreciate her and all she had done. The physical side was great, when she allowed it. However, she would cut me off for weeks at a time for various reasons. Long story short, I asked her to leave my house after one month (August) with her 12 year old son and her driving me crazy. I paid for an apartment for her just to get her out of my house. I continued to see her. My 9 year old daughter and her son were friends. But he is also very bossy and controlling to her. On top of that, she told me at Christmas that he stole $20 from her and made her buy him a present. That was the kicker for me. I confronted my gf about this, she told me it was just a transaction, that my daughter would get her $ back and that I needed to tell her that now she hadn't gotten her son a XMAS present. Anyway, she wanted the kids to keep being friends. My daughter does not want to see her son anymore. I told my ex-gf this. My ex-gf kept trying to force my daughter to be friends with her son, to the point of demanding that my daughter apologize to him for hurting his feelings!! Any how, I got so sick of the b.s. that I stopped calling her. NC for 6 days now, and I feel better. I can't believe I put up with all the stuff I was putting up with. It's not easy, but I feel like I'm being a good parent. I think I was addicted to my ex-gf.

[ShroomzGod]

Good job on NC. Get rid of all ties that are left and never talk to her again.

 

She sounds horrible.

[dgtx]

I'm working on understanding why I stayed with her. She was great at first, we were friends for 7 months before we became lovers. She was polite and kind, and seemed interested in me and what I had to offer. We had GREAT times together for much of the time. Once we got close, she changed and became very cutting, critical, and self-absorbed. I kept trying to get the old person back. I kept trying for 2 years. Honestly, I believe that she had a borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies. She was quick with breezy put-downs of me (as a parent, as a person) etc. etc.

[Wandering_Sword]

Good for you to see the problems and even better for committing to your NC. Keep up the good work and stay strong. We're here for you if you need someone to listen to you.

[dgtx]

I have ups and downs. This morning I imagined her with one of her previous lovers. They are still in contact. That was rough. The last time I spoke with her, she kept dropping names of guys that she had talked to recently. I thought that was mean & unnecessary, and didn't take the bait. She was trying to make me jealous. I really am glad I'm doing NC, trying to let my brain rule me here. I played drums this morning and did some singing. That felt good.

[Matsch22]

I am in the same situation as you. We just broke up after 5 years! Its been 15 days since talking. I was friends with her for months before we started dating. She was really really into me and treated me like I was her savior. Then I saw the other side of her the "Mean & Sweet cycle". She would cycle from mean to sweet and back again. I was Verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day she become sweet, doing all those little things she did when we started dating. This went on for 5 years. The good times were really good, but its hard to live with someone who acts like this. Its really hard for me to let go.

[dgtx]

and I took the call. The funny thing is that this morning I was feeling the most healed that I have to date. Then of course she has radar for that and calls me. Uncanny. She came over to get some kids summer camp flyers, the NY Times Science section, and the phone #s for dentist and insurance person. She commented on how my kitchen looked cleaner, but that my new metal shelves clashed with my cabinets. And you know what? I didn't care what she said. She also said that I had been too angry to be with. I suggested gently to her that she seemed pretty angry to me a lot of the time, which she denied (of course.) And she gave me some other psychological advice (of course.) Right after she left, she called me to say she was sorry that she had said those things. Hmmm, felt a little manipulative to me. Said we could be friends "if I wanted." She's good...I felt pretty good afterward actually.

[dgtx]

Matsch, I think verbal abusers have to really want to get better. I don't think my ex-gf sees that she has anything wrong with her. She just wants to keep me interested in her. I'm not falling for it. I wonder if I should just tell her not to call me. Part of me is ok with her company occasionally, as I feel pretty detached from her now. Sorry that you had to put up with it for 5 years. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I had to put up with a LOT of subtle and not-so-subtle criticism. She said over time that I was: a bad parent, not attentive enough to her (no one ever is attentive enough to a verbal abuser), not appreciative of her, obese (I'm 6 ft. 215 and look pretty trim, except for a bit of a belly), smelly, messy, angry, too sensitive (when I defended myself against her attacks), too nice to her son, too mean to her son, lacking integrity, etc etc. I AM GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR THAT ANYMORE!! I was addicted to her though, and that is something I am working on with my therapist.

[redsuede]

I just got out of your situation too. Verbal Abuse is something that is very hard to sort apart. After time, even though you know it is wrong, somehow it starts sinking in your brain, and my goal in life ended up in trying to make everything as perfect as possible because I didnt want to hear more bad things or hear the Anger over who knows what, and trying to figure out where the intensive outbursts were coming from in the first place.

 

hang in there.. It gets better. Just go through one day at a time, and soon you will start seeing colors.

[dgtx]

Exactly! I also felt like I had to "not ever mess up", be perfect so she wouldn't get mad, etc. She says that she is happier now, since I'm not around to aggravate her. I thought that I could change her, but that was a pipe dream. I really think that I can spot an abuser pretty well now. It is difficult to acknowledge my part in the relationship. I am trying to realize that I was part of the "dysfunctional ballet."

[redsuede]

Yes, you were. But the best thing is that you recognise this. Some people dont and go right back in to another abusers arms. I am so sorry you went through this, and just be prepared for those bad days, but if you can ride out those bad days, and not call and focus on your thoughts of a healthier life.. you will be OK. You sound like you are on the right path. I am sorry that she said that to you about she is happier... That is a horrible thing to say. Just think.. No more hurtful words you have to swallow. That my friend is a good thing.

[dgtx]

Thanks redsuede. She is so angry in general, but she is really good at making hurtful comments in a "nice" way. About 5 minutes after she left, she called me and said she was sorry. She sounded like she was crying. I'm not going to feel sorry for her at my expense.

[redsuede]

Please dont. Now you need to care for yourself and your feelings more than hers. She sounds very scattered inside, but right now is for you. You have done everything you can for her, now its your turn. This is the year for you. Take note often of what you are doing, and you will see that you will be feeling better shortly. Do something good for yourself tonight.

[redsuede]

never ever, ever again comprimise yourself.

[dgtx]

Thanks, that really makes me feel better about myself. I've been feeling sick inside that I could have put up with so much b.s. from her. My 9 year old daughter is staying at my house tonight. I'm glad to be a parent. It is such a blessing.

[dgtx]

Well, I "went out." I am back now. Sadder and wiser. The ex-gf called me last week and wanted to pick up some things. The next day she called again, and she prepared lunch for me at her place. She was much nicer and was conciliatory. So I got her flowers for V-day. Well, Wednesday she came over and caught me in a (very, very minor) white lie. She stormed out and refused to talk about it. Yesterday morning she came over to pick up some of her things and picked a fight with me. She called me a liar and said she couldn't believe anything I said. I stood up to her for the first time, gave her concrete examples of a few of her (major) lies, and told her that she was a verbal abuser and needed psychological help. NC since then. I bought a book on verbal abuse, and am convinced that she fits almost all the categories. I'm not taking her crap anymore. However, it is still sad to be alone. I am ready to move on. I resumed my meditation practice today! It is interesting that being with her meant that my entire focus had to be on her. Now I have more time for myself. The sadness keeps coming back, and I am not trying to stuff it.

[dgtx]

Yesterday was really difficult. I thought I was losing my mind, because I was feeling so lonely. I saw my former bandleader play with his new band last night, and had a very good time. That helped. It's now been NC for 4 days, and I have decided to do 28 consecutive days of meditation for 30-90 minutes per day, as a spiritual retreat, and to focus on the divine in my life. That is the only thing that will work for me not to contact her. I have not ruled out answering her calls and being polite, but not bending to her. There are times when I miss her terribly. I try to return from that state to one of gentle exploration of the feeling, and being mindful of my needs.