Question for all the ladies out there

[samross]

Saw my ex again at practice last night. Last week I hugged her goodbye but this week was different. I think it took her by surprise last week but this week she avoided me when practice ended. All evening she was very friendly, no hint that anything was wrong. She smiled at me a lot and we chatted during practice. But when we finished, I shook hands with all the guys and when I turned around she had moved away from me and was talking to my best friend. I just softly said goodbye and she turned and smiled and said goodbye. I guess I acted kinda dejected and turned away and just walked out. Either she doesn't want to lead me on or she doesn't trust herself with me. Ladies - what do you think?

[Parsley]

I think it could well be both of them. Which one of you ended it?

 

Thinking about it...if my ex hugged me I'd find it so weird and instantly have a whole load of internal conflicts going on. I'd definitely avoid it next time.

 

Even if you are trying to stay friends that doesn't make it easy to get back into that kind of closeness. I've stayed friends with a previous ex, and we didn't start hugging each other until months after we broke up.

[samross]

I ended it about a year ago but later realized I still loved her.

[Parsley]

If that's the case then I think it could be because of what happened. It isn't easy to have to find out someone you love doesn't love you anymore. It will have taken her so much to move on and to be at a place now where she can be friendly with you. Does she know how you feel now?

[samross]

Yes. I didn't let because I didn't love her. She knows that. I wasn't able to make the commitment she needed at the time but later I realized I was. It has taken several months to get back to where we are friendly again (we never fought, never anything negative in the relationship). We play in a band together and write the music (she does the lyrics, I do the music). She told me she has moved on but she has been hurt so many times previous to me that I know she's afraid.

[Parsley]

Well that's it there....she's afraid. Now that you say it...it hits the nail right on the head.

[anggrace]

i dont think its that she "doesn't want to lead you on or she doesn't trust herself with you". I think its just uncomfortable for her. I don't think Id want to hug somone who couldn't love me when I loved them. Even if it was a year ago, Im sure it was really hard for her.

[samross]

It wasn't that I didn't love her when she loved me. I did and she knows that. I just couldn't commit to her at the time because of other things going on in my life. She understands that. She says that once she's made up her mind to let go there's no turning back but her actions and little things she says seem to contradict that. Her mom and my mom are best friends. Her mom loves me. My mom loves her. My ex and I both lost our dads within a year or so of each, and they were friends. They are even buried a small distance from each other. There are so many links between her family and mine it's amazing. I understand if that's the reason as I am not trying to put any pressure on her. I love her and don't want to hurt her again but it's killing me waiting and essentially NC other than band practice & playing out.

[anggrace]

If someone who loved me couldn't commit, that would be hurtfull.

[Parsley]

Surely there must still have been a point when she loved you and you didn't love her though? You said you broke up with her because you didn't love her. There will have been a crossover. That's what makes it difficult. I find it's different to loving someone who doesn't, and has never loved you. You loved this person and they did love you, but now they don't. No matter how much they say that it's not you, it's impossible to really believe. If I were her, I would have my guard up around you for a long long time. Don't take it to heart...it's just something that's going to happen because of the way things ended.

[samross]

I understand that. She alwasy told me she was very good at putting up an emotional curtain around her when needs to retreat and she is very good at it. The painful thing is I never stopped loving her. I never told her I didn't love her and she knows that. I just want to be with her so bad now but I realize it may never happen. She and I sing together and she used to just stare into my eyes when we sang but now it is so different. It feels strange, so I guess it must be like that for her.

[samross]

So would the best thing for me to do is just say goodbye and leave when practice ends? It hurts to watch her hug everyone else and laugh & joke but with me it's like there's a wall there. I tell myself that even the Berlin wall came down...

[Parsley]

I think for now that would be the best idea. Maybe at some point you can go back to that kind of casual friendliness...but at the moment it could just feel a little too difficult for her.

[samross]

Thanks. You been very helpful. I will take your advice. We're supposed to practice agin tonight if the weather holds up so I'll see how it goes. Thanks again. Cheers!

[anggrace]

Wow- that sounds like it would be really hard to sing song with your ex when you are feeling this way! Geesh! I agree that you should not hug her, just say goodbye like you did last time. Its up to her to decide when/if she wants to be close to you again

[Allie.]

i agree with ^ has said. I dont think I would be very comfortable hugging someone who I really liked, but they hurt me so much.

[samross]

I appreciate your answers but it makes me feel like a heel because I did hurt her and all of you seem to know how she feels. It wasn't intentional or like she came over and found me in bed with someone else. If I had done some terrible I could understand. I couldn't help the circumstances in my life at the time. I just want a second chance but I understand if she can't give it to me.

[Parsley]

I'm sorry if we've made you feel like that. But break ups hurt even when they are completely mutual, so break ups initiated by one person will hurt a lot more - no matter what the situation. My ex broke up with me because he didn't love me anymore...granted, he did do other things that hurt me as well, but when I discount them, I know that seeing him would hurt like hell, and if he tried to hug me I could very easily burst into tears and/or be physically ill. Your ex has had longer to move on, but it's just not easy to do.

[Day_Walker]

Unless she is giving you any indication that she is still interested in you then you need to let her go and start moving on. It is not about how you feel about her it is if she has those feelings for you and wants a relationship with you.

[samross]

I really am trying to move on but it is so hard when you see her, sing with her... I think I am having a hard time as well just being reminded on regular basis that the relationship she & I have (whatever it is) will never be what she shares with everyone else regardless of how much she says wants to be friends. I just wish I knew what was really in her heart. How many of you think a heart needs a second chance?