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NEED ADVICE: He told me its my fault, should I reply?


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Hi fellow enotaloners! This website has been such a help for me these past eight months!


I have a question...or something I just need to say. I'd appreciate advice if I manage to write out this whole confused mess in a way that is understandable.


I'd better start with a condensed version of my story:


Me and my ex boyfriend (its still weird to call him that) were dating for two and a half years. I've known him a total of four years; since we met in our last year of high school. He was the first guy to ever kiss me, and still is the only one. I was extremely naive in regards to relationships; I was completely honest and open with him, but I never really thought that he wouldn't do the same for me. I didn't have the sense to keep evaluating whether or not this person had my best interests at heart. Once I trusted him I forgot to be watchful in an ongoing manner. The result was that he changed, and I missed all of the signs. I didn't hold anything back; I told him all of my wants, fears, good, bad, secrets, hopes, dreams, everything. And I shared my body in a way that makes my skin crawl! I'm so ashamed of that especially. I put all of my eggs in one basket, and then had the basket upended (I know thats lame, but its the best way I could describe it). For a while I thought we had a fairytale romance (you know the one that goes "we met in high school and became friends over our maths equations, we danced at the formal/prom, where we looked into each other's eyes and realised for the first time that we cared for each other, we went on our first date, he said i was beautiful, he sat with me on a park bench and leaned over to give me my first kiss, we had our ups and downs over the years, but we really loved each other, and it was happily ever after"). It was that, up till the happily ever after bit.


After a year and a half, things got increasingly strained between us. Our schedules meant that we met less than every two weeks even though we lived a few minutes drive from each other. He wouldn't call or reply my messages for days, if he replied at all. He became increasingly abrupt with me when I would tell him how much I missed him. But then he'd be very affectionate when we finally did meet. He was wonderful at times! The hot and cold thing really confused me. I oscillated between blaming myself and blaming him, blaming my parents, blaming my religion, blaming my university schedule... I tried to bring it up with him in a light way (I think the message didn't get through) I tried to be forthright and he said I was whining and being clingy, I tried to be silent and show by example what I wanted him to do, and he told me that he thought he couldn't measure up to me and what I was giving him and that I made him feel inadequate when I was so demonstrative. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt incredibly lonely and distant from him, but he kept telling me that I was being needy, and so I had to shut up and pretend that I was satisfied. I believed him; that I really was pathetic and emotionally needy. The reality is that it was somewhere in-between. Yes I was needy, and I hadn't learnt how to do simple things for myself like getting a train by myself. But I certainly wasn't wrong when I said that he was being disrespectful, that he didn't have the right to belittle me, and that he should have responded in good faith when I told him that I was lonely.


That went on for months, every time I was ready to give up, I'd feel so guilty about thinking of breaking up that I'd call him or make something for him, cos I felt like I had betrayed him in my head. Up and down, up and down. I kept hoping things would be better. He broke up with me the day we were supposed to be celebrating our two year anniversary (I had been soo looking forward to that day, it was so special to me, and I had hoped we would spend it talking about things that we wanted to do to make each other happy, ways to make things better. Even though I knew things weren't great, I was so full of hope. But that day, I just ended up crying on his doorstep and begging him to give me one last kiss. I know, I know; when I think back on it, I realise how much I was acting like a kid).


We broke up twice, and got back together twice, both times he told me how needy I was, how much I lacked. In a way, I'm glad that he said those things, since I really had to take a take a good look at myself. I truly know what constructive introspection is. I really re-examined myself, and I made improvements that I am happy with. That is a process that I started then, and I continued to do so even after we fell out of contact, so its not just his poisonous negativity that affects me anymore, its positive constructive personal growth. I want to be a better person, a more loving person, a more capable person, a person who is independent, but also a person who has compassion and dignity. (Its a process, and I'm not there yet).


Ten days after the second break up, we were still friends and having long long intimate phone conversations. We were pretty much going out, seeing where things would go but being unwilling to commit. He started to tell me that he kissed another girl. I told him that it would take me some time to forgive him. It only really hit me the next day, emotionally. I got her number, but couldn't reach her. I found out that he had indeed slept with another girl, before he broke up with me the first time. I tricked him, saying that I had talked to the other girl, that I knew everything and that I just needed to hear it from him...and he said it, just like that, he had slept with her. He pleaded with me not to leave him, and we spent the next two months trying to reconcile the issues that led to him cheating. Every week I found out about new girls that he had been inappropriate with. There were eight other women that I know of (he only slept with one of them, but there were eight others that he kissed, danced with in a sexual manner, stripped for, asked for sex with...I had met some of these girls who I thought were friends when I visited his university). Finally I told him that I couldn't trust him, and that a relationship was impossible. We had occasional contact for the next few months, and acted like casual acquaintances.


Then recently we started talking more frequently, as friends, in a completely innocent way. I congratulated him on his new girlfriend, and I was sincerely happy for them. I was still interested in understanding what happened, and how I contributed to the end of our relationship. And so last month I sent him a polite email, asking him for some answers. He sent me a really nasty email in reply, calling me an obsessive freak, and telling me that he never chose me. According to him, he flirted with other girls the entire time we were going out, and even before we were going out, which I didn't know about; I thought it was only in the last year or so of our relationship. He says he never chose me, and that I roped him into a relationship (I was the one who asked him out the first time, and I'm the one who asked him to work out what had gone wrong between us). I don't know why, hearing that, hurt the most; that I was never chosen, he never wanted me. The timing is sooooo ironic! He says he never ever chose me. He said this exactly a year to the day that he specifically asked me out. He looked me in the eyes and said "will you go out with me?" I don't think he even remembers that he sent this to me on the very day that last year he asked me to be his.


Gosh, its hurts soooo much to be told that he never really wanted me. And it hurts even more to be told that I'm the reason that he flirted with so many other girls; I trapped him and so flirting was an expression of his frustration with that entrapment. He is clearly wrong, and I can see that its just his way of shirking any responsibility. I just...hurts so much! Knowing that he is wrong, it helps a bit, but not enough. I'm not sure how to deal with this emotion. To be called a freak...by him...its pretty painful. I'm not sure whether to send a reply. I wrote about 25 pages of an unemotional letter, which is full of facts, dates and quotes. It would be hard to argue with, and its certainly not emotionally needy. It was good for me to write it, since it helped me understand how wrong he was. I haven't sent it, and don't know if I should. I feel debased arguing with him that way. It just strikes me as weird to talk about moments that were so tender, but to treat them as "evidence". I really want to have grace, to have good deportment, to strive to be better. It should be enough that I know I'm right, I shouldn't need him to apologise, or to acknowledge that I'm right. I don't know why his acknowledgement is so important. Especially since I know that he will probably not even respond. But then again, I don't want him to think that I'm a coward, or that I can't stand up to him in a logical and reasoned manner. I don't know. I think I just needed to say it here.


If you've got to here, thanks so much for reading this far! I know its a bit of a mish mash. What do you think I should do, send it or not send it?

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My friend,


This rings oh so true in my ears...


I got the same speech, about how its my fault because he kept telling me its over since the beginning....lets not add to the equation all the time they ask for you back, not to leave them and all the rest Im sure you know how it goes....


As for his email, he must be absolutely riddled with guilt and living a miserable life to send you something like that. As much as it hurts, dont believe a word of it. There was a time he wanted you and cared about you, hes just a selfish self absorbed person who really has never cared about anyone but himself...I tried sending numerous letters to my ex, for months even on and off trying to explain my feelings, even when he kept coming back, and I got the same old Oh yeah read your letter what a bunch of crap that was....


Unfortunately some partners, and I say partners not to be sexist here because Im sure men have gone through this as well, have absolutely no remorse and convince themselves that everyone else is wrong...


People like this are rarely ever happy...


Big hugs to you...You will get through this, we all will and we will be the better , wholer people in the end

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Someone who would really love you would not try to shuffle feelings of blame and guilt into your shoes. You don't have to listen to him, nor should you even waste time thinking about it. Move on , you are your own judge jury and executor, and as long as YOU know that it isn't your fault, that should be enough for you.

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