It's the "year of me" now!!!

[mariab.]

So like hockeyboy this is my online journal and everybody is welcome for suggestions! I have realized so much about my past relationship and ex that it feels that I have moved on over the 1st hump. we broke up 3 weeks ago but it was coming way before..I was actually the one who initiated it...When he pulled through it seemed the rug got pulled out from under my feet, I got desperate, called, cried etc. He said no, no, no and finally I got it. I think this breakup is the BEST THING that has happened to me b/c I am now free to focus inward and fix myself. The best feeling is when you stop blaming yourself about all the things that you did wrong in the relationship. You realize nothing is going to fix the relationship, IT IS OVER and guess what???? You are HAPPY it is over.. Now I get to focus all on myself, take that "year of me" that I need. Become self-centered about what I want. I went to see Pan's Labyrinth w/ my friend last night and 1st I was sad he wasn't there and then guess what?? I realized I wouldn't have been able to see it in the first place b/c he would never watch a subtitled movie! I also got to hang out w/ my friend which is the 1st time since May 2006 even though we keep in contact. I also realized so much about my ex and our past relationship and boy it was not good! I wish him the best of luck, and feel sorry for him b/c he lost the coolest most amazing person he will ever meet. (Trust me I am pretty unique!) I feel empowered for the 1st time in a long, long time

[pacopaco]

wonderful wonderful. This is my year too. here's to us moving forward!

[mariab.]

thanks pacopaco, another good tidbit: you don't have to date anyone if you don't want to!! Wait till you want to

[boston23]

I also realized so much about my ex and our past relationship and boy it was not good! I wish him the best of luck, and feel sorry for him b/c he lost the coolest most amazing person he will ever meet. (Trust me I am pretty unique!) I feel empowered for the 1st time in a long, long time

 

It's so nice to see you doing so well (and gives me some hope for myself)!! I'm looking forward to reading your posts

[mariab.]

go to an acupuncturist honey I am serious. Go to one and then tell me how you feel...

[boston23]

ok, i will! promise and i will start doing sun salutations too! haha thanks again!

[mariab.]

u r welcome babe. Seriously, I went yesterday she did this treatment and wow, it was like all the bad toxins were lifted..I was carrying ALL this guilt & feeling abondoned, betrayed etc. Now it is almost all gone, the feelings of guilt & it sems that something got pulled from my eyes and saw him for who he really is: a boy, not a man, who gets unemployement checks b/c he's too lazy to get a job, does not have a car or a driver's license, and thinks that he is something that he is not..Not to be harsh on him, but it feels gooood to see the other side of him . He really does not deserve me, and I am hesitant to even offer the olive branch of friendship when I am ready (for what?) All this b/c of acupuncture and Hatha yoga (a total change for me b/c I was used to Ashtanga but slower yoga really does help the spirit)

[isidore]

This is the Year Of Mariab! (it's true, I looked it up).

 

Good for you, you sound really positive. Let me tell you, reading positive posts on a site that must necessarily focus on more negative things helps me a great deal. I can see that others (like yourself) are feeling better, and that gives me hope.

 

You wrote: "The best feeling is when you stop blaming yourself about all the things that you did wrong in the relationship."

 

I hope to be there totally someday too!

 

By the way, was Pan's Labyrinth good? Have no idea what it's about, just saw a commercial.

[mariab.]

OMG it was excellent!! It was really graphic but it was GREAT! just go see it, seriously. I wish I could tell you how I got over the hump, but seriously the only thing I can come up w/ is yesterday I woke up, cried that he wasn't there to wake up next to, went to a hatha yoga class and then went to the acupuncturist. I left there and I was drained, really drained but I felt I don't know free. She told me the treatment was to realize the the negative toxins that were in my body. Then I went to my friends house and we talked and slowly I realized that it was NOT ALL MY FAULT, he is also responsible and then...I realized just who he really is, which is what I was realizing when I wanted the break. I was so hung up on all that he told me and then I realized just like I've been told that actions speak louder than words. I saw him for what he really is and I felt bad for him b/c he lies to himself and other people about who he really is..Then I realized he was really good about making me feel bad and guilty about me (I used to be anorexic, was going to be hospitalized by my doc for losing all this weight so quick & he tells me "I like the fact you lost all this weight.." I wanted to tell him you want skinnier than this go out w/ 5th grade boys..) Anyway, I guess we all NEED TO LOOK AT THE MOSAIC, we need to go out and stop looking at the piece and look at the whole thing...It is nice to know to be selfish and also to look inside and be alone for a while (at least for me) I am not going to date till I want to, or when I get horny, I am not going to put myself out there but I am actually going to do things that are about me, like, I speak fluent Spanish I could go teach in Spain stuff like that. To know that you are free, free in the sense that the only person you answer is to yourself and your spirit, well, that is empowering. To like yourself again, that's a second chance at life almost. And to know that your ex has lost the most amazing person in their life..that is vindiction. I guess my heart is so big that it hurt that much (I am the person that called him when I ran over a city RAT and was hysterical about killing it) I am loyal, dedicated, headstrong, passionate and loving and those are good qualities and not qualities I realized he is ready for..

[mariab.]

ok, i will! promise and i will start doing sun salutations too! haha thanks again!

 

Boston, I am holding you to it!!!

[mariab.]

Isodore, one of the main characters in the movie was a satyr!! Get a good friend you haven't seen in a while and go see it...

[isidore]

You really sound like you've got your head securely attached, Mariab.

Had no idea Pan's Labyrinth was subtitled. The last subtitled movie I saw was No Man's Land about the civil war in Yugoslavia.

[isidore]

I'm definitely going to see it. I think satyrs, fauns, and what have you are just such interesting characters. Half human, half animal, wild and civilized. Just very curious and neat.

[mariab.]

my favourites characters in Greek myth classes were the Maenads: women who would go crazy over Pan..seriously just go see the movie, the Satyr is the messnger-just go see it!

[mariab.]

well, today is a hard day for me, I really don't know why! I guess the term "rollercoaster ride" is apt but you still can't shut off the feelings. I don't feel that guilty anymore or upset w/ myself over the relationship. I just feel betrayed and rejected by my ex and that's been hard to let go, especially today. I remember last Valentines where he got me reservations at a really nice restaurant and I was too lazy to find a babysitter for my kid.. He was soo excited that he had gotten this reservation and we ended up eating at some crappy joint w/ my kid b/c I just didn't want to go out and dress up! BTW, the reservations where for 9 pm and my kid would've been in bed by then and my friend had even volunteered to come over! Its not use beating yourself up over it and I know that. I guess I am posting to get it off my chest. I miss him, especially at night and when I wake up but its easier now..It really feels like a day takes a year lately. Any advice?