Not sure what is going on / update.

[bubbles07]

This is my story

Short summary is my ex gf of 6 years broke up with me about a month ago because she felt like we were just friends and that she didn't love me anymore due to the fact the relationshp had gotten boring. All the exact details of exactly what she said is in the thread above.

Anyways we didn't talk for 2 weeks, strict NC, and then on my bday at midnight she sent me a text wishing me happy bday and all the best. I replied back the next morning letting her know thanks and hope everything is going well for her too. She text back right away hoping everything with me is well too. It felt kind of cold because it was soo formal. The next day I sent her a smiley face in a text. She replied back asking how I'm doing and asking me about my bday. There was soo many smiley faces and exclamation marks in that message it was crazy. There was soo much excitement and happyness in the message. I text back letting her know about my bday and then she asked me more questions, but I had to go. A week later (so the 4 week) I tried calling her (I know shouldn't of called her but I felt like I'm really strong now and not an emotional wreck as I was at the beginning), she didn't answer so I didn't leave no text, or voicemessage. I just left it, didn't try calling her back or anything. The next morning, I get a call from her, I didn't answer because I was in a meeting, and then she sends a text about an hour later stating that she is sorry she missed my call yesterday and that i can call her back if i want and that she hopes everything is ok. I text her back after the meeting letting her know that it wasn't important and that I was just calling to say hi and see how she was doing. She replied back again with happy faces and exclamation marks saying that it was nice of me to see how she was doing and started asking me how i was, etc. I called her back instead of texting back and forth. She sound so nice, you could tell she was happy to talk to me. We just talked about friendly stuff, like work, family, friends. She started crying at one point about something going on between her and a friend. I comforted her and told her it would be okay. She started thanking me for calling and I asked her why she thanking me, I asked her how come she doesn't call me in a joking manner. She said that she doesn't because I asked her not to at the beginning of the break up and that she feels bad because its not fair to call me if I told her not too. And then I started bugging her about not receiving a bday present from her on my bday. It was all jokes and funny conversation. We were both laughing and joking. I was upbeat but she seemed kind of down about somethings in her life. Towards the end of the conversation she asked me if I'm okay without her. I said I'm fine why you ask? she didn't say anything and then I asked her are you okay with out me, but I didn't let her answer, I was joking around and answered for her by saying yeah. She started laughing and said your still a brat and then we both had to go. The conversation ended on that last topic.

The next day first thing in the morning, I get a text from her "so when can i drop your bday present off? with a happy face behind it. I replied back when did u want to drop it off? she replied back "sometime next week" with a happy face again, and I said that should be fine.

 

I haven't heard nothing yet about when she is going to drop it off. I'm going to wait for her to make the date because I don't want to push her if she doesn't want to. I just feel like I've made great strides in myself personally and now I feel like I'm becoming weak again. My friends all tell me that her actions seem kinda weird because why would she want to buy you a gift now and meet you now. Also why would she even ask you that question when all we were talking about was work, and family and fun things we do in a spare time. I'm going into this with no expectations but my mind just won't stop thinking of the possibilities from good to bad.

 

I really could do with some insight. Should I just come out and ask her what she wants, but I don't want to push her away. I want to let her do what she wants to do. I know that if I do come out and ask her, that it may just scare her or it may make her think that I'll be around for ever. I already feel myself feeling more independent than dependent like i was before on her.

Oh yeah I've been playing it cool, no begging, pleading, talking about our past. Just upbeat and being myself.

Thanks to everyone who spent time reading and responding. I know its long, sorry.

[bubbles07]

Finally got the message.

 

 

 

So my ex text me and said that she is busy this week and if she can drop of my present next week. I called her back and told her that i was just joking about the present and that she doesn't have to get me one. She said that she wants to. Then I told her that she doesn't have to make an excuse just to see me in a joking way and she said "won't you think its weird to see each other if we are just friends" I said no its fine. She then started asking me if i'm seeing anyone, I said no and asked why are you? she also said no. Then I asked her the same question she asked me "are you okay without me" she said some days I am and somedays I'm not, she said that we thinks we are better apart because we both never lived on our own because we started dating when we were young. I agreed and told I'm happy that she isn't confused no more. When I asked her if she is happy now, she said she doesn't know and then I asked if she is still confused and she said uhhhhh lets talk about something else. I said okay and then I had to go, she said to call her whenever I want, I said okay.

 

I get home and then thought how about going out to eat today instead of next week since she mentioned that she was free tonight. I called her and asked her but she said that she made plans with her sister now but she really wants to see me. I said thats okay some other time. She asked whats wrong. I said nothing, but then 5 seconds later asked her so we are just friends right? she said yes why? and I said so your over us right? and shes like yes why did you meet someone, whats her name. I was like no but are we always just gonna be friends? And shes like yes, shes like I love as a friend and that we are better apart and thats not going to change. She said that we limited each other (not intentionally) and that we never grew up properly. She said that she feels like because she started dating me when she was 16 that she missed out on so much and now we are both happier single. I said thats fine and she asked can we still see each other next week? I said sure why not.

 

 

So I finally got my answer thats its over for sure and thats it never going to be again. I'm finally gonna let go and move on fully. This is the extra kick I needed.

[Nappy]

Hi Bubbles,

 

First off - You should be VERY proud of yourself. As we know, breaking up and moving on is extremely difficult. And though you feel as though you are becoming weaker the more you talk to her...It seems as though you have made great strides since you first broke up. I really don't know how people do this....I have serious respect for those who go through this. As you know I was on the other side of it and never felt the NEED to move on as I was the dumper, who wanted to eventually get back together. My situation did switch and caught a glimpse of what I may have had to do should my bf not had wanted to get back together. It wasn't pretty and my body is exhausted by it. So, much respect.

 

Silence means everything. The fact that you said you are fine without her...Ouch hehe. She was likely hurt and confused by it...Probably made her think for a second. But hey, she broke up with you...Though she might not expect it, What else can she expect but for you to work on moving on.

 

I'd question her bringing up giving you a bday gift as well. Honestly, I wouldn't read too much into it. Maybe she had a gift for you from the moment she texted you but wasn't sure if it would be okay. Afterall, she seemed like she was making an attempt to respect the fact that you didn't want to be friends with her because you felt you couldn't. Maybe it was her way of feeling you out before coming out with a gift. Or maybe she got you a gift so that she could have a chance to see you. It really could go either way. You two spent 6 years together - I spent 3.5 years with my bf and when it was his bday when we were broken up I got him an ipod after people telling me not to do anything big at all....I still loved him and cared for him deeply...And should we have been NC and all of a sudden started talking after a bday wish I sent...Well then I'd want to get him a gift. You two still have a bond no matter what your status is. A bond like that - Well you always love that person if they never did anything wrong, always, though its form may change. So, I wouldn't read too much into it. She loves you very much. Perhaps she is still confused, or maybe she's realizing that it is more than a friend...Which it is. See, whether it is a bf type of love or not...She definitely loves you more than a friend...She just doesn't know if you are the one for her right now.

 

So I say keep on truckin the way you have. As long as she knows that you care for her then there is always a shot at another go. And like you said, she needs to do what she wants. Don't ask her what she wants...She doesn't know, and the answer she gives you now won't be the truest of answers, because it will change later. More time needs to pass. The thing is, as badly as I wanted my ex back and as badly as I wanted things to be back to normal, As badly as I want him to love me the way that he did before....I didn't want it to come easy to me....Because you don't value it as much no matter how much you actually do value that person. If he loves me as much as he did before right now....That's what I want...But I also don't want him to make it easy for me by being totally and completely in this right away. After a battle, the prize becomes more valuable. Whether it is a battle with herself or with you or both....she will value you more if there is something of a struggle. Otherwise, like you said, she will feel that you will always be there. And if she feels that way, she will likely sabotage it for herself by devalueing your presense.

 

The fact that you two can still joke around with each other is awesome...It helps her see what you two had.

 

You are doing great. Just keep on being upbeat and being yourself.

 

I know mixed signals are awful. But as long as you don't read too much into them then you will be fine...Which is incredibly difficult I know. But see, the only way you two will get back together is if she initiates it...And if she really WANTS you back she will eventually do it in the clearest of ways.

[bubbles07]

Thanks Nappy for your reply, insightful as always. I'm actually thinking of going NC now. I got the answer I needed and I don't want to be her friend even though it sounds selfish. I just need some time for me now to fully heal, not partially. If she does still want to see me next week i think I'm going to think long and hard about it because right now I think I'm starting to feel weak again.

[bubbles07]

I can't stop thinking about her now, she was telling me how shes out there having fun partying and doing all these fun things and how those opportunities wouldn't of come up if we were together because we limited each other. She said that we're better apart because we are both happier. I hope this is just the party stage that most girls go through and hope she'll come back.

[hailtothevictors]

My ex is going through that "party stage" as well. We started dating in high school and after a year and a half of college she felt tied down and broke up with me. She also said she thinks she loves me more as a friend and that our relationship had started to feel like a routine. Our situations sound quite similar.

 

I'm about a month ahead of where you are; she broke up with me at the beginning of December. I thought after two months I would be feeling a lot better; and I do feel stronger and less like I need her ... but I constantly have this empty longing inside of me that doesn't seem like it will ever go away.

 

It sounds like you're feeling just like I am: hoping that this party thing is just a stage and that once it runs its course she will realize that you two had something special together and she wants that back.

 

From stuff that I've read online, it seems like this is just a phase for some girls and that in a few months they do come back. However, lots of the time the girl is having an amazing time and changes/evolves as a person and never comes back. It's tough, I don't have a whole lot of advice for you, because I'm in the same position myself.

 

For me, I have started trying to go out and have a good time ... basically take advantage of single life just like she is doing. I'm usually thinking about her most of the time, but it does take my mind off her for a little while.

 

Keep us posted ...

[bubbles07]

thanks hail, yeah i've heard its quite common for them to go through this phase and that we should let it run its course. It just bugs me because before I thought there might be hope at the end of it but yesterday she told me that she will always just think of me as a friend and that will never change and that she is over us. Now I feel like she is always going to feel that way and she will never look back at what we had.

 

I am going out having fun but like you said she is always on my mind. I just can't believe that she is so sure of us never being together again. When we broke up she said that she doesn't know but now its a difinate no, but can that change after shes had all her fun?

[Nappy]

Bubbles, it sounds like having contact with her has really affected you....Of course, that is natural.

 

Our situations are definitely very similar as we are the same age and likely the same stage in life in terms of out of college and new to being full on in the working world. Correct me if I'm wrong. I noticed that the transition from college life to working life was and still is difficult on me. My life changed from being accustomed to having lots of things going on...School, BF/Strong Love, job, internship, friends....To really just having work and some activities related to my hobbies here and there...With my closest friends moving away. It's been very difficult for me to adjust and have come to realize that that was a HUGE reason why the relationship became boring. It doesn't only have to do with the two of you together..But has a lot to do with how you guys are doing individually as well. That was my status...And he was working and coming home to a video game. We were happy and in love with each other....But individually, we felt stagnant and that put a strain on our time we spent together.

 

You last wrote that she wasn't too happy with a couple things that were going on in her life. Realize that it is not YOU....It is HER feelings about where she is right now. You two spent your youth together, and I can see how getting out there on her own is something she feels she has to do. It has nothing to do with you.

 

Also, you wrote that when you two talked over the phone she cried over something that was going on with a friend of hers. I don't know what that may have been....But I'd be willing to bet that those tears weren't just about her friend....It was about the two of you....She probably wanted to cry to you about you...But didn't want to make a discussion about it so she used another reason...That reason may have made her emotional, but I suspect those tears were about you.

 

I don't mean to make it harder on you, but I do think it is important to really SEE what is going on with her rather than making assumptions. Our imaginations run wild...

 

This is definitely her party stage. When it comes down to it, if you two are to be together in the future, she needs to get this out of her system. I would go to bars as a girl in a relationship...But there is a big difference going to bars as a single person. It doesn't necessarily have to do with the fact that you are looking for someone...It's just a different feeling. I don't know her...But she will enjoy it, and then hopefully she'll want to come home to you in the end.

 

I would say do what you need to do for yourself to be healthy and happy. I'm not sure what your thought process of a future with her has been - But if you have been deep in love with her to the point where you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her then if you do move on...That feeling can always return if you want it to and if it is meant to. What I mean by meant to is...you never know, you may change along the way as well and find that she wasn't the one for you and be comfortable with that...well then, the feeling wasn't meant to come back. I know it is difficult to let yourself let go - It is heart wrenching. But maybe focus more on doing things for yourself rather than the actual letting go....That will come in time.

 

It seems like No Contact is the best thing for you right now...Or atleast Limited Contact. Like I said before, avoid conversations about the two of you with her. If you do have contact, make it light, make it fun, prevent meaning from creeping in. Because if those conversations do creep in, you will get hurt. Feelings change....And I feel that post-break up, your state of mind isn't the best reflection of where your true self will be. So, whatever she is thinking/feeling right now just doesn't matter.

 

Focus on moving on....And if she doesn't come back....Well then the next step is healing.

 

I'm sorry you can't stop thinking about her. I know how you feel. But that is precisely why conversations about where she is, where you are, where the two of you are just shouldn't happen...It will hurt and you will feel weak again.

 

What are some things YOU wanted to do while you were in a relationship, but just couldn't do? Start doing those things...This is your opportunity to do these things. I noticed that what my bf did while single were things he never did while in a relationship, or even before I came along (we were each other's first relationship).....He's an absolute gentlemen, but he started to allow himself to check out other girls (in a gentlemanly way), he subscribed to a man's magazine full of hot women, he started to devote himself to exercise (this worked REALLY well for him, built up his confidence again), he is an introvert so he joined a situation that would allow him to be around other people and thus work on socializing. I'm not so sure the whole blatant checking out other girls and such was the best thing for him - I noticed a change in him - Before he was devoted and attracted - Now he's extremely attracted still but definitely still looking at other girls...Not the best type of guy ya know....And I think it changes who you are in a relationship. But, nonetheless, you are single now, so you can check out lots of girls if you wanted to. I noticed that he made a serious effort to make new friends. He started hanging out with other girls....And though he never actually dated them...I think this really helped him move on. Afterall, he was forming friendships rather than them being any old girl....Not only is it more meaningful that way, but you get to know someone of the opposite sex in such a way that would allow yourself to open up to other females...Thus slowly being able to move forward knowing that there are others out there. I think new friendships with females will do that to anyone. Just wanted to give you some examples of what helped him.

 

So, my point is....What are some things you want to do now that you can?

[bubbles07]

Nappy, thanks for the great post once again. I have started doing things that I wouldn't do when were in a relationship but I also think that its just timing and nothing to do with me being single. We both talked about that yesterday and she said its because we are single now that we are doing more fun things but I disagreed. I know that she has to get this out of her system and that its better this happened now then in the future. I just hate how she is saying that its never going to change and that she will always just see me as a friend. I don't know if I should do NC or LC because I don't her to feel like I hate her and that i'm not their for her. I'm happy for her that shes having all this fun and everything but I just hate how she scarificed us for that when she could of done that before. But like you said now its a different feeling because she is single. How long do party stages normally last for? Won't she get sick of it after awhile? Is she just saying that it will never change because of all this new world that she is exploring and feels like the grass is greener on the other side?

[Nappy]

Everyone is different. I suppose it depends on who she is. Think about who her true self is....Is she an extroverted introvert, blatant extrovert, etc.? How much does she like parties exactly? Does she like going to them often or love them but like to go once in a while more so? Where is her maturity level? Is she an attractive female and does she let it get to her head or keep herself humble? Where do her self-esteem and self-worth stand? Answering all these questions may help get an idea....But really, we won't know until she's gone through it. My guess is that she's out to have fun...And should she meet guys they will be the worst kind, nothing meaningful...And she'll see how difficult it is to find someone you can connect with in any real way...Because all the guys she will meet partying are there for the same reason. She hasn't broken up with you to find someone better...She has broken up with you to explore herself.

 

It all comes down to who that person is. You mentioned a little while back that you are introverted. Someone who has a 6 year relationship with someone that is introverted has this quality as well even though it may be at a different level. So my guess is that she is an extroverted introvert....That is working in your favor in terms of time. But also, she may be looking for a situation that caters to her extroverted self.

 

I understand that you are hurt by it either way. Maybe you feel like she has thrown it away. But the truth is she may have been able to do it while you two were together, but maybe she needed to be single to get herself to do it. A lot of times we can't do things like that while we are in a relationship. We find comfort in the person we have and we don't stray from it - We become accustomed to being a certain way while in a relationship. It is easier to work on yourself when you are on your own right. Well, she's working on herself...Not in the sense of becoming her better self...But in the sense of, this is something you do in your youth and something you do in life and she is taking care of that. What I've realized is that I can do that when I am in a relationship...Have fun...But it took me being apart to realize this and get being single in that situation out of my system. It's just a very different feeling. I love my bf very much and am extremely loyal to him, the highest degree of being loyal - And being in a bar situation, well it changes the fun you have. I definitely noticed the difference again when getting in a bar/friends situation after reconciling. It's a different type of fun. My friends are crazy and they love to have fun with random people around us at a bar/pool hall whatever. I noticed that when they started doing that after being back in a realtionship, I pulled away, and I did not talk to the people as they were because they were males....I felt I would be flirting and thus betraying him. So, I kept my fun to my friends and tried to avoid any males that came into the situation. Bascially, you feel free and less uptight when you are single....It's nice to feel this way for a bit. It doesn't necessarily have to do with hooking up and getting attention from guys - It has to do with spontaneity and thus with fun experiences. I don't miss it....Because I know what I have and I know what I'm leaving behind....He is what is more important, what I value more, what I want more....But I needed to learn this.

 

Now that I've gone through that as a single person...Well now I can apply it to my relationship. Last weekend I randomly brought Twister over and we got wasted on Tequila shots - Just the two of us....It was sooooo much fun. Now that I've had my single time...Well, I want that fun to be with HIM. And she needs to get there. She needs to learn this in order for it to work.

 

I know hearing from her that her current feeling will never change is getting to you. I wouldn't let it get to you - Like I said - Right now she is not really speaking of clear mind. Trust me I completely understand her...That was me. She may feel that way right now because being single is a novelty and she sees soo much potential in it. That wears away and reality sets in...Well, for me, I was just over it, got it out...And my love for him was still there, and stronger actually.

 

The novelty will likely wear away if she is anything like me in personality - But also keep in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean that she will come back to you. And that is why you must move on.

 

I'm rooting for you two. How about try LC - She is important to you afterall. See how that works for you. Again, no discussion about where she's at, where you are...NO discussion whatsoever...I know that is hard...But you MUST prevent those from coming up. NO FEELINGS ALLOWED. DO NOT expect anything to come of it...Nothing but a friend. And I think the key to LC is that she initiates a lot of it - So should you choose to do LC you will have to somehow let her know CLEARLY that you want to be friends. She has respected your need for NC up until now...So she needs to know that she can contact you when she wants to. Let her initiate...You call/respond when she has contacted you. You do the initiating minimally. Meanwhile, work on you and do what you can to begin to let go. That way, she'll know that you care but will also be doing your own thing.

[hailtothevictors]

Nappy, I love reading your posts because it really seems like you have been through what my ex is going through. My situation is similar to bubbles' so when I read your posts to him I feel like I am getting feedback into my situation as well.

 

I hope that my ex goes through the same progression that you did, but I also know that she may never come back. Reading your posts always gives me a little bit of hope and reaffirms to me that I'm doing the right thing

[bubbles07]

Nappy, everything you wrote made so much sense. She is extroverted and is into public speaking and stuff like that. We are opposite in that sense. I agree that she has to get it out of her system and that she has to live her life and that she may never come back. She text me a little while ago asking if it is too soon to see each other or if its okay because she doesn't want to ruin our friendship. I didn't reply back because I feel right now I just need to step away. Will that hurt my chances with her in the future if I just disappear for a little while. I just need to do NC to make self stronger but I don't want to ruin our future chances by not being there as a friend for her.