Asian American men in American Society

[charley]

Ellie's right,

 

Race and ethnicity threads tend to go off the rails pretty fast.

I hope this one doesn't.

 

This thread will turn nasty. I guarantee it. Now I'm disappearing from this thread before it goes bad.

[Altruist]

Ellie's right,

 

Race and ethnicity threads tend to go off the rails pretty fast.

I hope this one doesn't.

 

I agree too. we've all seen many such threads spiralling out of control. I think CluelessGuy has received enough answers. I would recommend closing of the thread...

[Thunderforce]

Had a crush on a chinese guy when I was 17, and at 23 I was really attracted to a guy from Korea.

Don't know why but I truly find Asian men very attractive but for some reason they are not interested in me

[CluelessGuy321]

Yep. Even if you mean well, even if you're an Asian, or even if you're just saying you like Asians because of xyz, no matter what you say, someone will get offended rightly or wrongly and then these type threads always turn nasty sooner or later. I abstain from this thread.

 

The moderators shouldn't even allow these threads in the first place.

 

This topic has not yet gone off track, and I am steering it that way. Please give me some credit.

As for "moderators shouldn't even allow these threads in the first place", why not? Public perception, upbringing, and media have a LOT to do with attraction as well as how certain groups and individuals percieve themselves and their self-esteem. Why can't I post and receive people's inputs? Using the example posts I posted at the start of this thread, those comments that some users have made do get me to thinking - "why?"

 

We could remain silent but what would that accomplish?

Offline, when I pose these questions to friends and whatnot, I am not able to get the picture from every angle. Some groups of friends don't like to discuss it, while other groups really get into detail and talk about their perceptions.

And I'm getting good input and viewpoints from some posters right now, so please don't close this thread unless it goes way off course.

 

 

In some cases it might be because the woman won't date outside of her religion. I am one of those people because I wouldn't marry outside of my religion. Most Asian people are not my religion. So, don't presume it has to do with some kind of racism.

 

I'm not bringing religion into this. I'm talking about initial attraction. Unless you can tell someone is your religion by looking at them. I don't even know what religion you are or how you know Asian people aren't of that religion. Unless you're Amish, I don't know what religion you could be referring to. If anything that would go more towards cultural differences. I am speaking as an American born citizen of Asian decent. I'm not pulling the "race card" here, but am trying to have a civil discussion on race, media, and how it pertains to and effects some people's subconscious view of what is attractive/attraction.

 

 

I'm not singling ANYONE or any race out. I don't think anyone here should feel guilty if they like or prefer what they prefer. I am simply trying to gauge out reasons and countermeasures I may be able to take.

 

And please - unless you see something blatently offensive, stop posting how you think this thread can be offensive just because you're cluttering up my topic. I'm bringing up a freaking topic that is in the back of a lot of people's minds but no one wants to talk about it in person, but that's the beauty of these online discussion forums, and it's what I'm looking for - constructive feedback.

 

Thank you.

[Batya33]

I can be initially attracted to an Asian person - and continue to be attracted to him - but I know that the vast majority of them are not of my religion and thereforeeee I would decline a date (unless I learned he was my religion - I've met many Asian people because of where I live and never met one who was my religion). So, if your question was just about attraction - absolutely, I have found Asian men attractive - but if it was about whether I would date an Asian person - no unless he was my religion which is highly doubtful.

[BetterKarma]

I honestly don't see anything wrong with this thread. Everyone has been respectful thus far. As long as everyone is respectful and mature about this topic, I think it will be an extremely interesting conversation.

 

I think another reason why Asian women are more inclined to date non-Asian men is because we see them on TV. We grow up watching handsome non-Asian men on TV and begin to think that is the norm. (IMHO) And whenever we do see Asian men on American TV, we see them as slap stick martial artists, nerdy nerds, and guys who basically never get the women. And growing up without many Asian men around you also affects your perception of what "type" of guy you are looking for.

 

I dated Asian men in my younger years because I went to HS in NYC and there is a huge population of Asian men. However, when I went to College in the suburbs of Boston, there weren't too many Asian men to choose from. Not that I was looking at which race to date.

 

My brother on the other hand, is currently in NYC and goes to Church in Chinatown. He is surrounded by Asian women and that's why he dates a lot of Asian women. However, I'm going to say something "taboo" but he will most likely marry an Chinese woman because there is a strong sense of filial duty to marry within the race so that we many carry on our family name. I know...I know...taboo....

 

I'm not sure if I am making anymore sense, so I will stop for now.

[Caterina]

To the poster who addressed my post: I wanted to note that I left a sort of disclaimer about the fact that I was being general. Bringing up exceptions to my generalities is silly since I already mentioned that. I think being politically, ethically and culturally sensitive is a good ideal but there is a fine line...we don't want to cause any sort of injustice but at some point conversation is limited and all the boring people of the world are the ones shouting about not stereotyping. This is sort of off the OP topic in a big way but the issue was raised...

[charley]

Hey CluelessGuy, I'm very sympathetic to your frustrations you mention. I know you don't mean any harm posting your OP. I can see that. It's just that some people get offended so easy that we aren't allowed to discuss certain subjects, or it just isn't worth the conflict.

 

However, I feel your pain and frustration, so I'm going to post here anyway. If I get flamed, it won't be the first or last time.

 

Now in my local area, I observe that Asian women and white men are often dating. Often enough that when I asked one Asian young lady if she'd date a white guy, she got embarrassed and said she has only ever dated white guys. Also, white guys here often like the Asian ladies too. So you are right about that being common, at least in some areas.

 

However, it's not universal. I remember asking out an Asian woman once and she told me she only dates Asian men, or part Asian (think she meant half'n half) men. I felt kind of hurt cause I liked her. Probably much like the hurt you feel often. So I told her, "No problem, I'm part Asian." She laughed in my face. She laughed and laughed and laughed, until I walked away. Now, if you look at my pic to the left, you can see why she didn't believe me. However, I actually am part Asian, yet that fact is obscured because I'm mostly Scandinavian tallish blond stock. So my part Asianess is not seen. Her laughing at me didn't make me feel very good though.

 

I can remember another Asian girl from my youth who liked me, but her family wanted her to marry the Asian guy they'd picked out for her. So she was allowed to be friends with me (my best friend), but that's it. We were both in college at the time.

 

Then I remember well another Asian friend who was my college roomate. I used to physically protect him from two violent bigots who were our neighbors (we lived off campus). Those creeps used to threaten to kill him. This was before I was handicapped, when I was young, reasonably tough, and legally armed. This Asian guy was my best friend for years. He later got married to an Asian woman. After I got hurt in an accident, and also got some arthritis in my injuries, I then limped at that time. His Asian wife told me to my face that I could continue being friends with her husband in private, but not in public because she didn't want him seen in public with a guy who limped and used a cane (at that time). Then she proceeded to mock me and imitate my limp. Now that was bigotry. My guy friend sat right there and did nothing except silently look at the floor. He's not a bigot, but he didn't stand up to her at all. He didn't stand up for me, not even verbally. Can you imagine how I felt? I've never visited them or talked to them again in the last 11 years. This guy had been my best friend for years, and at one time he had dreams of marrying my sister. Now I never call him. He never calls me 'cause he knows I'm upset, and he doesn't want to upset his "lovely" wife.

 

I have a very good idea how you feel when people judge you unfairly. However, what can you do about it? All you can do is take each person as an individual based on their personality and hope they'll do the same for you. Some Asian women prefer Asian men. I know since I've been rejected by one for looking white. So I know they are out there for you. Other Asian women don't care about race at all. So there's more opportunities for you. Don't give up. Also, don't feel upset about some Asian women liking your friend. He apparently has a look some like, but that is irrelevant to you.

 

It is important to remember that people are free to be attracted to whom they want, and that isn't racism or bigotry. It's just attraction.

[BetterKarma]

Ironically, I think the stereotypes mentioned in this thread is actually helping the OP get a better insight of why people are dating whom they are dating.

 

Being 100% Chinese, I really didn't see anyone being disrespectful. I think when Caterina said that people prefer Hawaiian guys and when Tronix said that all asian men know martial arts, I personally got a chuckle out of it. I don't think those statements were made out of malice or intent rather an insight into their line of thought about Asian males and the types people might prefer.

 

I think the general consenses is that as long as the guy (regardless of race) is attractive (tall, athletic, etc.) and fits the criteria of the opposite sex, then that's whom they like to date.

[CluelessGuy321]

I'm sorry to hear about your past experience with intolerance. If that was my wife, I would have verbally back handed her. But it seems your friend didn't have much of a spine.

 

 

 

Also, off topic, but how did you hurt yourself? What did you injure?

 

I ask because 3 months ago, I hurt my right knee while hiking. I lost my ACL and will be undergoing reconstructive surgery. I'm going to have a long rehab and I want to prevent arthritis.

[charley]

Some women don't require a guy to be tall, though I do admit that many like that.

[BetterKarma]

Very well said Charley. I'm sorry to that you had such a hard time with Asian friends, especially the story about your ex best friend. That must have been extremely hurtful.

 

You know, unfortunately, I know a lot of Asians that are just like that. Actually my parents are like that to some degree with my brother. They will only accept an Asian woman (preferably tall, fair skined, and mandarin speaking) for their daughter in-law. Which makes it harder on my brother to date women because of such pressures from our parents.

 

However, since I am the daughter, there is no need for me to carry on the family name and thus, I am allowed to date non-Asians but Asians are preferred (and tall, fair skined, mandarin speaking to boot!) LOL. Aren't parents so cute??

 

I know a lot of Asian women who would only date their race (i.e Chinese, Korean, Philipino, etc.), however, I also know a lot of Asian women who don't care about the race at all. I also know a lot of non-Asian women who are obsessed with Asian men!

 

Charley is absolutely right, it is all in the eye of the beholder.

[BetterKarma]

I also want to add that a lot of first generation immigrant parents want their children to marry within the same race is mostly because of communication.

 

My parents, in all honesty would love us no matter whom we married. They understand that they can not control us but try to guide us to marrying Asians because they want to be able to communicate with their in-laws in the future. I know it probably sounds silly but it's really important to lot of Asians because in our culture we have our parents live with us in their old age.

[charley]

I'm sorry to hear about your past experience with intolerance. If that was my wife, I would have verbally back handed her. But it seems your friend didn't have much of a spine.

 

Also, off topic, but how did you hurt yourself? What did you injure?

 

I ask because 3 months ago, I hurt my right knee while hiking. I lost my ACL and will be undergoing reconstructive surgery. I'm going to have a long rehab and I want to prevent arthritis.

 

He could have at least told his wife, "Shutup beoch!". I used to risk my life protecting him from two guys who both outweighed me by 100 lbs each, and outweighed him by 140 lbs each. I could have been killed protecting him and his brother. Compared to that, what's telling your bigoted, mouthy wife to shut her mouth? Not only do I hate her for her extreme bigotry, but he betrayed me with his cowardice. Well, enough about unpleasant subjects.

 

Anyway, I got seriously hurt 4 times in my life, and maybe 1 not quite so serious, but bad enough.

 

In grade school wrestling, I wrestled the USA champion and I was one of the few people ever, that he didn't pin. I received my first neck injury. I did fully recover in about 6 months time though.

 

High school wrestling was same, except this time my neck, back and shoulder were seriously injured, but due to the mentality of our insane coach, I kept wrestling anyway and didn't quit. This was the start of my problems.

 

When I was 24 I hurt my knee, foot, and ankle in a construction accident while working summers as a construction worker and going to college the rest of year. That was the start of my limp.

 

When I was 25, 3 disks in my neck and one in my back were crushed when someone elses baggage fell from overhead and landed on top of my head. I didn't fully realize how badly I was hurt since I was seeing stars and stunned. I staggered off the plane carrying my head by the hair. I later went to doctor and learned I had 3 crushed disks in my neck and one in my back. However, the one in back might have been from an earlier injury. Not sure.

 

When I was 34, I was rear-ended in a car accident. I was sitting at a stop light and a woman driving 40 mph hit me from behind, which broke my C6 vertibrae, or was it C5? Can't remember.

 

Rhuematoid Arthritis and Spondylitis (doctor says I have one or both) is caused by a gene. However, millions of people have that gene and don't get arthritis until they are senior citizens.

 

However, some of us get arthritis young due to certain known triggers setting off the gene young:

 

1) Serious injury, especially repeated injury to same joint.

 

2) Getting Pneumonia or other serious lung infections

 

3) Exposure to cold, especially exposure of an injured, or formerly injured area. Frostbite, or hypothermia to body.

 

Well, I had all the triggers more than once in my life. The injuries many times.

 

Keep your knee warm, live in a warmer climate, don't let your body get cold or chilled, try not to get lung infections, and above all - avoid injuring your knee again.

 

Taking emulsified cod liver oil is very helpful, I find. Doing those things will likely prevent arthritis, even if you have a gene that makes you suspesptable to it. It you don't have the gene, you probably won't get it no matter what. However, some people get osteo arthritis and that's not related to a gene, but is related to wear and tear, and/or injuries.

 

Number one importance is don't injure your same knee again. Number two, try to avoid injuries in general. Number three is stay warm and avoid exposure to cold. Lastly avoid lung infections, if you can, but you'd do that anyway.

 

The very worst thing, is when you reinjure the same joint. Try to protect your knee. Do get it fixed soon. The sooner it's fixed, the less likely you are to get arthritis. Also, eat Jello because it has nutrients to make your cartlidge stronger, and tendons and ligaments stronger. That helps you heal and also helps prevent future injuries. DO YOUR PHYSICAL THERAPY and keep doing it even years after they say you don't need to anymore.

[Altruist]

... and when Tronix said that all asian men know martial arts, I personally got a chuckle out of it. I don't think those statements were made out of malice or intent rather an insight into their line of thought about Asian males and the types people might prefer.. .

 

 

It certainly wasnt a malicious statement BetterKarma. I was merely responding to an earlier post which speculated that martial arts might become a sterotype in future. Having friends of all races myself, I would like to believe I am a progressive individual who looks beyond race and ethnicity.

[TheRedQueen]

I believe that there is stigma attached to every race but at some point you have to realize the type (physical and emotional) of girls you work well with. It may as well be that you have to put in more effort than your friend. Of course you can counter act the stigma but I think that you have to take more of an active approach. Realized that a lot is based on appearance and you are never going to counter act that. See what tactics work best with your personality with women that way you can maximize your effectiveness with them.

You live in Southern California there are so many different women you just have to find the one/s that are more open minded and dont have a bias when it comes to ethnicity.

Eloquently put, I concur!

[charley]

You know, regarding the OP, I've been thinking. I have known some Asian women who preferred to date white guys. I once asked one why, and she said because white guys tend to be more outgoing and less shy than most Asian men she knows. So that has nothing to do with looks. Others might like taller guys. So maybe sometimes you can over come and get what you want by being more outgoing and aggressive yourself. Some of the Asian women who liked me, liked me because I was shy and not aggressive with them. So each woman has her preferences, including for behavior.

 

One time a white girl I went to school with told me she prefers African American guys best. I asked her why. She said that shy finds them to be typically more outgoing, funnier, and better at flirting than white guys.

 

My point is that women respond to behavior as much or more than looks, and you can alter your behavior to a substantial extent. In my efforts to become less shy, and my goofing around, and some of my poetry, I draw substantial inspiration from both famous black guys (Mohammed Ali, Spike Lee, and Martin Lawrence are my faves) and ones I've known personally who were charming with ladies and/or funny guys. If I can do that, then so can you.

 

Hey, Bruce Lee (Chineese) was a well known ladies man who had kids with women of just about every race. He wasn't a shy, introverted guy though. He was an outgoing, aggressive, charmer.

 

Observe the personality traits in your white guy friend who the Asian women like, and consider what personality traits he has that they like. If you can become friends with any of these women, then pick their brains to find out what they like about him. It's possible that many things they like are personality and behavioral traits that you can adopt, or adapt to yourself.

 

If I can adopt, or at least adapt, some black cool to myself, then surely you can adopt, or adapt some white cool to yourself.

 

For example, in PMs and emails I like to sometimes say, "Wazzup?" That's straight from Martin Lawrence lips to my ears to my lips. I like a little Martin Lawrence (that PUN is a Charley original - get it?). My poems, especially flirty poems, are originals, well other than one by Spike Lee, but my others I make up as I go, but my inspiration and style are influenced by Ali, Lee, Lawrence, and Dr. Suess, plus I'd like to think I have some original flair and style as well.

 

Also, as I said before, some Asian women prefer Asian men, and some don't care about race or culture. You can succeed with those ladies as you are right now. Yet I still think analyzing why many Asian women like white guys, and your white guy friend specifically, is to your advantage since you can adopt or adapt some of those guys' behavior.

 

I've met Asian guys from Hawaii and one from Philipines who were Asian Fonzies. Those guys were so cool! I could learn from them and I did. Most Asian men I've known in the continental USA lacked the coolness and hipness I saw among the Hawaiian and Philipine Asian guys.

 

Point being that much of this is about behavior and personality, not race, height, or physical appearance. You can adjust your personality and behavior to a substantial extent, if you want to.

[Caterina]

I think when Caterina said that people prefer Hawaiian guys and when Tronix said that all asian men know martial arts, I personally got a chuckle out of it.

Just wanted to clarify, at some point the idea that intent doesn't matter and doing wrong does...I don't think I was talking out of ignorance because I'm aware of racial issues...but I was partially being tongue in cheek so I'm glad you thought it was funny.

[charley]

Two of my vanilla white, natural blonde female cousins are married to Asian American guys who are of Chineese decent. Both of those guys are originally from Hawaii. These are my older cousins.

 

I can remember myself being about 10 and 12 years old at their weddings. I can remember before that, when they were dating and both guys (about same age) would get together with both my cousins (also about same age) and do things at family get togethers. I remember both those guys are being super nice and cool guys and I looked up to them. They were like big brothers to me. They're still married 28 and 30 years later and each couple has kids who are in college now.

 

Both these guys are small guys compared to even my mom's side of family EurAsian (part Mongolian, mostly Scandinavian), and tiny guys compared to my dad's side of family (part Scottish, mostly Scandinavian). Yet they've always seemed like big guys to me because of their personalities. They're still as cool as ever and they're family.

[lovecrazy]

my boyfriend is half thai and half white. His mother Thai, and his father white...

 

I am glow in the dark (i blend into white walls) hahah

 

But we get werid looks at times, when people see us together...

 

but over all our relationship is good....

[g1234567890h]

I'm 100% Chinese and my girlfriend is 100% white. We're both third generation Americans.

 

I have never had a problem finding girls. Girls always came after me. Race really doesn't matter.

[CluelessGuy321]

I'm 100% Chinese and my girlfriend is 100% white. We're both third generation Americans.

 

I have never had a problem finding girls. Girls always came after me. Race really doesn't matter.

 

Cool. Where you from? San Fran? New York?

[denshaotoko]

you know what your right, there is many negative stereotypical protrayals of Asian men in Western Media, but are you going to let that get you down? CluelessGuy, you don't have a girlfriend and you can't get dates because of your low self esteem and confidence. Stop blaming your bad luck on external factors which you have no control over. Sure some women will judge by race but you will find a large majority don't care as long he has a good personality.

[yokeydokey]

Hey clueless: keep fit, make some good money and hang on to it for a few years... my teenage (13) daughter says she intends to marry a chinese guy. She hasn't picked one yet though so stay sharp. She's tall, blonde, blue eyes, IQ off the chart. See, there's hope. Be nice to her, don't make me feed you to my chows.

 

All seriousness aside... I don't see much basis for your concern and I live in Redneck-slovakia. My gf's son is 17, caucasian as caucasian can be, tall, athletic, brilliant, and is particularly intrigued by asian girls. The opportunity to date an asian woman has never presented itself to me, but to me she would be just a woman anyway, not an asian woman. Just be yourself dude, don't be your asian self.

[isisastaria]

Wow! You have opened my eyes to a whole new stigma!!! I had no idea! I can tell you what I've heard from asian and white females.

 

Asian girls like the whole caucasian thing because often times they don't want to be caught up in asian cultural set-backs (such as men are to be served and women are maids/slaves).

 

 

 

Most asian girls are afraid all the asian culture will still be in the asian male's family. So they steer away from that. Sometimes they find the caucasian man's looks intriguing as well.

 

White women think a lot of the asian men are somewhat "geeky". I think this is mainly because they are more expected in their culture to be educated. I don't think that's "geeky" myself.

 

You can break through all that with a simple explanation to a girl you are dating that you don't expect women to follow those traditional roles.... and maybe when she sees what a great guy you are, she will know she has nothing to worry about