Insanity

[pandaman]

 

 

I've been dating a woman who is a bit younger than I am. She is 23 and I am 41. We've been going out for two years. The pattern is that we'll see each other once a week where she will come and stay at my house for half the week or less and then go back to her place work and then it repeats. Our sex has never been great which sucks because we both like sex and we are in couples therapy to work on that and other issues. She can be very controlling sometimes of situations and I do my best to sort of avoid arguments because I never feel as though I come out on the winning end. At this point, I think I've been too much of a nice guy so it's gone past the point where I can change my attitude.

 

There have been periods where we've had "okay" sex and I've felt like we've been moving towards something but then we stray off. I have substance abuse issues although I've been sober now for years and doing well and am in therapy and she has past severe physical, verbal and emotional abuse issues which I think she thinks she's moved past but really hasn't done any work on it in terms of seeking help but I know some people can work things out in different ways so I try not to judge that but, it seems sometimes like it's still there for her.

 

It's hard to explain our fights except to say that I often find them confusing and tiresome. For whatever reason, she makes me anxious a lot and I feel as though I am always walking on egg shells. She seems fairly unaware of this and thinks I worry too much. She is going through a lot of stuff lately in her life and I have tried to be supportive in terms of listening, driving her places, letting her stay at my place longer or come here when she needs to.

 

Let me say that I have learned more about myself in this relationship than any other and that I love her with all my heart. But sometimes there is just an edge of explosiveness around her. She states that she's calm and mellow and maybe she is but I don't know. It's hard to describe the problem here I guess.

 

She told me this weekend, after I'd spent all week doing what I felt was best to support her that she wasn't attracted to me. That I was a great boyfriend in other ways but that my teeth were awful and that I needed to go to the gym and a bunch of other things. That it grosses her out when I try to kiss her. I appreciated the honesty I suppose, meant and made an appointment with a dentist and back to the gym and I know it was hard for her to say but it really knocked my self-esteem down a notch and I sort of felt bad the rest of the weekend. She didn't seem to understand though, why I felt bad. Almost like she didn't care that I felt bad. But I sort of just kept it inside. She doesn't like it when I complain.

 

Also this weekend she started to ask that I announce when I was going to physically touch her or make sure that she could see it coming be it a holding hands all the way up to a hug. She jokingly said, "abuse victim". So, I tried to do that as well. But honestly, at this point, I was confused and overly cautious of making a mistake. In general, I just feel as though I'm starving for love. Sometimes she'll say she loves me and then other random times she won't say it back to me and say, I don't want to feel like I have to say it. I'm insecure so it's work for me to not make all of this stuff about myself and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't but I am tense often with her now. I have always seen this as maybe why the sex sucks, but she doesn't, it's just sex, what's the big deal.

 

Also with the sex, and stuff in general, I've grown resentful. Although she cooks all the food when she's here, I tend to a lot of the other stuff. I bring her things etc, not a big deal but it's one sided a lot if I ask for something. And with sex, I guess the best example is if we're fooling around, if the batteries to the vibrator die at 4 AM, I go out to the store and get replacements but if I ask anytime for some help, even help getting off myself, she says she's busy, tired or watching TV.

 

I'm paranoid about the things I say or being free a lot of the times because I feel goofed on a lot. The few times I have sort of dished it back to her on her level, she's gotten SO offended and upset that she's left the room. Her energy level goes up and down as does her sleep. She is private about a lot of things which confuse me that I used to ask about but now have just given up asking about because of the fight that happens. She has had some health concerns and if I pressure her too much to get them checked out or check in to see if she's gone to the doctor, sometimes it's fine to ask, and other times it's like, leave me alone. Early in the relationship, she used to go out with her friends, or have friends from school and I used to inquire about them but she would become so enraged that I just let it go. I think she has a group of friends she hangs out with but it's been described to me that that is hers and just for her. So, that's fine, I let it go but again, I don't need to know everything but these lines and limits to me make me feel sort of "not intimate" if that makes any sense.

 

I am by no means, easy to go out with as I can get insane, too touchy, I can say things I shouldn't but more out of confusion and frustration as opposed to being mean, at least that's how it feels. I often feel as though I shouldn't touch her or say anything at all for fear that it will be wrong or the wrong way. I've sometimes said stuff after I've made a mistake and she's said, you always know the exact wrong thing to say.

 

When we fight now, it usually comes on suddenly, at least for me. We'll be getting a long and then I will do something wrong, say something wrong, sometimes, I won't even be sure what and she'll just stop talking. We could be in a group of people, it won't matter, she'll just stop talking and stare off. I'll ask what's wrong and sometimes she'll tell me and sometimes she won't. If she tells me, usually I feel bad because I haven't known that I've done it. I apologize but if I don't apologize soon enough, she gets even more angry and thinks I don't care.

 

This weekend on the ride back to her place we were goofing around in the car and I guess I touched her ear playfully and then reached out to hold hands with her. She became furious with me that I had touched her without asking and didn't talk to me the whole ride back and now has basically not talked to me in two days. I guess I said the wrong thing after she got upset and didn't apologize soon enough or thought I had and didn't and she got more angry.

 

But, apologizing is an example too of the contradictions that I hear too. Such as her saying that saying your sorry is useless and sorry means nothing to me when a person says it but also wanting one other times. Or not wanting to be touched but in sex, her getting angry with me if I talk about the sex meaning asking if this feels all right, ruins the mood.

 

Sometimes I feel as though I DO do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing but usually I feel it's because I'm trying to be overly cautious or the exact opposite and not care just to sort of dodge what might happen. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I keep messing up and hurting her or upset her and a lot of times, I can't even figure out how I've gotten there. Am I not paying attention or am I letting my own emotions blur the reality?

 

I love her very much, so much actually and I believe she loves me and she has done a lot of good for me and I know and believe she is a wonderful person with a good soul but as much as I want to see her, sometimes, I just feel relieved when she is gone again. I get so tense and I hate myself. I know she's not asking for me to get that way but at the same time, it's almost as if she's unaware of the fallout from her actions or something. Sometimes, not always. I can't follow the ball, can't keep up and I'm tired and always feel drained. These fights to me are ridiculous and keep happening. It feels unfair because I believe we both EQUALLY do messed up things and accidental things towards each other and I try to be patient when she does things or is human or makes mistakes. Every single silent treatment and every single "cause" of a fight seems to me something I have failed to do or messed up or have not done correctly. Is this in fact, the truth? I can't tell. ug.

[rocio]

The two of you are not compatible and you need to go your separate ways. The sooner, the better. I'm sure you've figured out for yourself that this is not a functional relationship, so the only real question is "Why are you still there?" You love each other, but you don't seem to like each other and the necessary attraction and respect are also lacking.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Pandaman -

 

Did you say that she has a history of being in abusive relationships? At 23 - that's a sad thing. But it seems to me - and of course I could be WAY off - that she may be trying to over compensate....by that I mean if she felt controlled previous to you, unfortunately for you, she's decided to never let that happen again by taking the reigns herself. Maybe she went a bit over board??

 

Either way, you're being mostly passive seems a likely coupling. I'm not surprised at all the two of you found each other. It seems to happen that way.

 

POINT IS tho - that you're getting tired of it - I can see that being pretty taxing.

 

For her to dismiss your comments by saying that you're over re-acting is just another form of her control - which in reality is another form of mental abuse.

 

I'm not saying she's a bad person - I doubt she is. But she does have some serious issues that she may need to work out - separate of you.

 

Sounds like you know where this is all heading. You don't need permission or confirmation, although if you're looking for confirmation, I think you've found it here.

 

I too think it may be time for the two of you to take a break....

[jimthzz]

she is not not for you.

 

This relationship is going nowhere and is kinda toxic.

 

Find someone who makes you happy.

 

BTW, if your teeth need work, see a dentist.

[Suesser Tod]

I'm 28 and I'm dating a 22 (23 in a few days) girl. Sometimes I really find her maturity level frustrating, I don't understand how you've managed to keep it going for so long, when the maturity level is... well... huge.

[HarleyHunny]

The definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and hoping the end result will be different!

[caro33]

This just sounds dysfunctional, sorry.

 

I think that when it gets to the stage that you cannot be kind to one another or empathise, the writing is on the wall.

 

You each sound like you would benefit from being with a person who is more centred and stable. It seems like your mutual instabilities and issues are just triggering each other in an endless cycle of resentment.

 

The age difference may also be a factor. Do you think she perhaps sees you as a care giver/provider rather than as a lover? No wonder your esteem is being damaged. She honestly sounds like a teenager reacting to a father figure. Sorry.