new here...need some advice

[confused273]

this is going to be long so please bear with me!

 

ok ill start at the beginning....i was a junior in high school when i met my BF he was a grade lower than me...we had biology class together. he was kinda dorky and not my type but i needed a prom date so i asked him to go with me..not really expecting any sort of relationship. we continued to see eachother after prom and things were great! we got along really well and always had fun together. i was really and truly surprised at how compatable we were(still are). Graduation comes and goes for both of us and we are still going strong...then the unthinkable happens.....he cheats on me with my supposed "good" friend. no actually sexual intercorse....but oral...thats enough for me! i tried to stay with him and make it work but this man who i had trusted for 4 yrs had completely betrayed me...i couldnt just let it go..i needed time to deal with what happened and take it from there ya know? so i moved out of state to live with my cousin on her horse farm( i love horses!) and while i was there i met another guy....i thought he was great! things at my cousins were not going well...i was being taken advantaage of big time...i decided to move in with the new guy eventhough we had only been together for a few months. things were going great until the new guy started being emotionally abusive...i of course not wanting to believe that he was a jerk just brushed it off...BIG mistake...a few months later im pregnant(eventhough i was on the pill!!!!grrr) and his abuse is getting worse...he tries to rape me and that was the last straw...oh and i must mention that the whole time i was away i never was able to let go and get over my ex....thought about him everyday and always compared the new guy to him...all i wanted was to be with my ex! anyway...i move back home and call my ex...tell him im pregnant and that im back in town..he wants to see me...and i said ok...not too sure of what was going to happen. i see him and all the feelings come rushing back...but i dont hug him or anything just say hi. we went out for ice cream and it was nice. he tells me that he still loves me and never stopped loving me...and i tell him the same but we agree not to rush into anything because im pregnant with another mans baby..this was back in september...its now febuary and we have been back in a relationship since octoberish...he loves me and i love him more than anything..its the most amazing thing in the world! he is very supportive of my pregnancy(im due april 10th!) even though he is def not excited about me having a baby. i used to be really close with his family but now him mom wont let me in her house and she doesnt want me to be with him..she says she is hurt that i got preggers by another guy(not like it was planned or anything) and that she is upset. she thinks im going to ruin her sons life with my child and that he will have a bad life because of me. #1 i would never ever expect him to take care of MY baby!!!!!! #2 just because i have a child means he will have a bad life??? NO! that is why i am in school getting a better education..so i can provide MY child with a good life and everything he needs. #3 my BF is also in school so he can have a good job that pays well...so how does she figure that he will have a bad life if he is with me?? i know its not going to be easy...but since when has life in general been easy? my BF has tried to talk to her about accepting me at his GF but she will hear none of it! what bothers me the most is that when i see her she will smile and wave at me...and when i had to go to the hospital to have my baby monitered she was all worried about me...yet....the other day i had to walk up the icy driveway to get him(that drive way is LONG and STEEP!)...by the time i got up the driveway i was out of breath and FREEZING...you would think she would invite me in to warm up while BF got his stuff ready...but no! she left me out in the cold! shes sending me mixed signals and im so confused about what to do! not to mention im petrified that BF is going to be influenced by his mother and leave me...im paranoid hes going to cheat on me again...i dont know if its pregnancy hormones or what but im just so paranoid and the insecurity is insane! i KNOW that he loves me he proves it to me everyday! i just cant help the way im feeling.. and i have talked to him about it and he has reassured me over and over again that what im feeling is not going to happen...but i dont know....im so scared! can anyone give me any advice?? what would you do in this situation? oh and a side note....the baby's father is NOT in the picture and WILL NOT be in the picture..i will not have my baby around a person that abusive..and i will not put myself in that situation. thanks everyone..this has been eating me up

[sidehop]

Welcome to the forum! And just a kind note, paragraphs are recommended for easier reading for others

 

So about your ex b/f and now you two are in love again. It's a sticky situation. When you have a baby involved you have to think realistically. Your b/f isn't 'happy' about your pregnancy but still loves you. That may possibly cause a problem down the road if he's not prepared to be the father.

 

I can say this because I'm in a similar situation. For a person to get involved with step children let alone a newborn takes patience, understanding, learning and a lot of love. Is your ex b/f ready to be part of a family? I'm sure his mother is scared of his son's future and also wants to make sure he can be responsible enough to take care of you two. I wouldn't just think the mother hates you.

 

You two need to sit down and talk about the future. It's different if you two are just getting back together but your primary focus is the baby. If he cannot be supportive and understand that part then you two need to consider being friends. I know it's not something you want to consider and especially you're pregnant so your emotions may sometimes get out of control (trust me, my g/f is going through the same!) but right now, it's the baby you need to focus on.

 

Good luck and I hope you two can work this out

[Lboogie23]

okay, i'm glad that you are out of that abusive relationship. That must have taken a lot of courage to walk out of a situation like that , while you were pregnent.

As far as your guys mom goes, in some ways i can understand her feeling protective of her son, just because being a mom, i know we can be overprotective, especially of our sons. She probably just wants him to be successful(i'm not saying he can't be successful with you) but she may fear that your baby may become a stump in the road as far as his education goes. I've seen guys take on other womens babies and get really deeply involved and give up a lot of himself freely to be a part of a family and then the coulple breaks up and where does that leave him? Its not his child, so he has no rights to the baby. Hes just kinda left out there. Again, i'm not saying this is what will happen with you, i'm just saying this is possibly part of his mothers fears. I doubt that she dislikes you, in fact she probably sympathizes with you. But maybe has mixed emotions bc its her son getting involved.

 

I think your fears of him cheating again are not misconstrued. Its so natural to feel scared and insecure that he may cheat again. Plus you are pregnent and its easier to become self conscious when your pregnent. But only you really know your boyfriend. Some people would say once a cheater, always a cheater. But this is not necessarily true. Maybe he has grown up a lot sinse then and would never do it again. I would say trust your gut instincts, and also trust him until he gives you reason otherwise.

Good luck to both of you, and good luck with your new baby!

[confused273]

while i dont think he is ready to settle down and start a family with me..he has said he will always be there for me baby or not. he is not going to have to support me and my child financially..i just wont do that to him until we are ready to get married. we have talked about how this baby is going to change things and that i am not going to be able to do all the things i can do even now. he has told me that he wants to be there for the birth of my baby and that once we both finish school he wants to marry me. i think he will be in this for the long haul...we have both always thought we would end up together in the end...but always thought we met while we were too young..ya know what i mean?

 

the thing about his mom....i know she doesnt hate me....she has said she doesnt hate me....she just doesnt approve of me. and is mad that i went out and got pregnant by another guy(like i planned it!). she would be happy if her son never talked to me ever again...even if it ment he went back to the way he was while i was gone...he was depressed and started doing drugs(thank god that has stopped now...or i would NOT be with him!). i know that as his mom she has certain expectations for him...but she also needs to be realistic...and i feel like the way she is acting towards me is completely childish. i have toyed with the idea of calling her and telling her how i feel...or maybe even writing her a letter....but i always chicken out..do you think doing either of those would be a good idea?? its almost like she thinks im white trash now that im pregnant...and that its contagious..that she doesnt want her son to "catch" it....he agrees with me that thats how it seems she feels LOL! anyway...thanks for the advice! got anymore??

[sidehop]

His mom is concerned for sure. I can relate because my mom is ALWAYS concerned as if I'm a 8 year old and I love her for it but sometimes I think she worries way too much but that's a mother for you

 

A letter would be nice to relieve any confusion and perhaps some misunderstanding. Your lives between the two of you will change dramatically, well I can't even say that yet because I'm about to enter in a similar situation so we're on the same boat! My point is, the baby will occupy most of your time for at least the first year and until he/she grows up & starts going to school.

 

Between now and the baby is born you'll go through a lot with recovery both emotionally & physically and things may be overwhelming at times. If you two love each other and he's willing to be with you through all this time and be part of the family, that's awesome!

 

If you're going to write her, don't be defensive but rather just tell her how you feel about her son, what you two have, why you want to be with him and be honest. I'm sure his mother wants assurance and it may take some time but eventually she'll understand. And if she doesn't, what can she do? Good luck and I wish you two the very best