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I cry at least twice a week


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Hello,

 

I am hoping that someone will read this and help me.

 

I am re-married. My first husband was great, we were best friend and together for 8 years, but he ended it because I was obsessed with having children and he didn't want any. But, that's over!

 

I met someone about 6 months after my seperation and it was an exciting romance. Then we moved in together and the fighting started. Big fights but somehow I managed to stay. Maybe because I was scared of being alone...again. then we bought a house and I kept telling myself to get out. But, what about the house? Then we got married and I told myself the same thing…but not every day. I think probably why I stay with him is because he loves me and sometimes, like 50% (although lately it is more like 20%) of the time, he is really great. But there is no in-between. And we don’t talk, we don’t have any hobbies in common. The story goes on, we have a 6 month old baby. And he is really great with her and I can’t take her away from him. But, I am American and he in Spanish and we live in Spain and my leaving would mean that she wouldn’t get to see her father and that is not fair to either of them.

 

But I cry at least twice a week from the mean things he says to me. He always criticizes me, but I am not allowed to criticize him because he makes it like an attack and turns everyhting around saying that I am the one causing all the problems. That we can’t talk (that is true because it always ends up being a fight and he becomes sarcastic and doesn’t listen saying, “yeah whatever…I know you and I know what you’re doing). But, I run to work just to be away from him. I prefer to clean the house so I don’t have to spend time with him. And he sees this and that makes him even more defensive. And he says I am not affectionate, but how can I be when he calls me “Imbecile and useless”? I’m stuck. Please help!

 

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This is an awful situation to be in Cucajj. I don't think 20% is enough and i'm sure you don't either. No relationship is perfect. You say he is a good father and this situation with your child makes it awkward. But if you're not happy i'm sure your child will pick up on it. Have you discussed your true feelings of desperation to him? The man you fell in love with must be in there somewhere! I think you both need to talk about your feelings calmly, try not to argue. perhaps counseling? If you can't work out these differences you need to move on for all 3 of your sakes. As for him not being able to see his daughter, can he move back to America or is there anyway you could stay?

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Hi, cucajj...welcome to eNotalone. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time, and I imagine you feel somewhat isolated being in a completely different country.

 

Is your husband's family over there, too? If so, how do they treat each other, just out of curiosity? I'm wondering if this is something your husband grew up around, and he takes it as a matter of course that it's ok to be verbally abusive. Which of course, it definitely is not.

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First and foremost, realize that the situation you got into was by choice - you accepted his marriage proposal, decided to have a child with him which brings you to today.

 

What could you do to better your life? You do have options. You're not as trapped as you might thinik. If leaving him to go back to the U.S. would be in the best interest of you, then fine. Do NOT stay with him for the sake of your child. It wouldn't be good for your child to witness a bad marriage and you couldn't be the best mother you can be if you're not emotionally stable. I would consider leaving him to be one option. The other might be talking and working on making your marriage better but how viable is it?

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put nice pills in his coffee. jk. okay, so this situation sucks. he says that you start most of the problems....this is more than likely true. you probably don't do it on purpose, but because you are so preoccupied with being unhappy, subconsciously you do start it. he probably feeds into it because he isn't that great of a guy. he doesn't sound nice. you should NOT keep this child around this situation. the bickering and the name calling, no way. gotta stop or leave. you need to get out before it's too late and the child experiences more of this and starts to pick up on it as they get older. you should always have the child's welfare at heart, but you need to have a happy life too right? TRUE/YES. you better not answer 'no' to that. i think you may have moved to fast thinking that you could end up single and lonely. this happens to a lot of people. my opinion, get out sooner than later. if things are like this now and you see it progressively getting worse, ... time's up.

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I have to give you some tough love here because I was married to one of those guys.

 

The only way I have found to deal with an abuser (and that is what he is), is to put him in his place.

 

Next time the name calling starts, very calm, but firmly tell him you will not take his abuse and name calling. You will not subject your child to his child like behavior.

 

Calmly get up, take the baby and spend the night in a hotel.

 

When you come home the next day, when he starts on his rampage (which he will), tell him if he cannot control his temper and mouth, he better get used to the fact of spending the night alone and he should get used to the feeling of having an empty wallet because YOU WILL, take his baby and HE WILL pay support.

 

The only way an abuser can abuse you, is............IF YOU LET HIM.

 

Best of luck to you honey, take care of you!

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Go see a counselor for yourself; tell him to see one, as well, if he loves you and wants the marriage to work. Then see a marriage counselor for the both of you.

 

All is not lost; there are just issues that he must have, that haven't ever been surfaced in his mind. He might just need simple counseling to talk it out and get to the bottom of things.

 

If counseling doesn't work, and he doesn't want to work on this, then your only option is to leave with your baby; because, as another poster said, it's going to be worse if your kid grows up in an unstable home, with your husband being so mean, calling you names, saying you're useless, etc. And who knows what else can surface in time.

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an idea:

 

you go to a coffee shop for a day and he goes to a different coffee shop for a day. or you can do this over the course of a week. write down everything that bugs you about him and let him write down everything that bugs him about you. you both have to understand to accept what the other writes down regardless of how nasty it is. you must promise not to get mad at each other when going over the items. then you exchange the lists and go over them together and explain. WITHOUT ARGUING. you must both agree to work on a few of those things to improve the relationship. this will bring you closer together and make the relationship more healthy. if you totally can't accept any of it and get extremely mad at the other person. you need to separate for good.

 

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oh, and you can also make separate lists of things you would like to do. by yourself and together. separate lists. you would share these if you made it past the negative lists. lol

 

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Steven Stosny, You Don't Have to Take It Any More (book) or link removed (website). Great advice, great track record with marriages like yours.

 

And SummerGirl38 gave you some wise advice. Refuse to let him destroy your relationship.

 

You've got some very good reasons for getting past these problems. Don't delay.

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