Please help me.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Why? I don't get it over and over again i hurt myself and the people i love and i don't get it. I keep cutting. Sometimes its easy to pretend that i'm fine and that i would never do omething like that again, but people don't realise i will. I don't want to cause the sorta seen i did over the past 3 years.... But i do want to stop. I keep saying it but nothing seems to work. I'll stop for a few weeks, or a month or maybe more but i'll always go back to it.

 

Fallouts right... I am a fake. I just don't want to go back to that. Sometimes pretending is easier then facing up. Sometimes i just want people to see the side of me that people want to see. Not the side of me that makes everyone run. I don't even get whats going on anymore. I can be happy then so sad and it takes nothing at all... I just don't get it. I'm finding it hard to listen in class already and this is only my second week!

 

Please help me, i'm out of ideas.

[Ellie2006]

Rozi!

I am so sorry that you're hurting right now

Rozi, one thing, if I may: do you think it might help if you STOPPED pretending that everything was alright?

Masking your true feelings is such hard work and it takes so much out of you.

 

How about expressing how you truly feel?

If you're feeling hurt, tell everyone that you're feeling hurt and ask for help!

If you are angry, don't keep it all bottled up inside! Go and punch your pillow!

If you are sad, cry.

 

Would you consider just letting your grip on your emotions go and allow yourself to ... simply feel?!

 

What do you think?

 

Feel better soon, hun.

And please know we're hear to support you!

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

But see when i do that i get critised and get told i'm just a stupid attention seeker, and i don't want people to think that of me. I hate the thought that the people who are my "friends" have said that behind my back and to my face. I'm not like that at all. And besides sometimes masking them makes them easier to deal with, and even if i want to talk i can't. I try but sometimes i just can't.

[Ellie2006]

Ach, that does sound like a tough situation you're in, especially if your friends aren't being supportive enough

 

Two things: a) I think Avman (?) suggested this on another thread: relying on alternative measures to release tension whenever you feel the urge to cut.

 

The one he recommended was crushing icecubes with your bare hands; it hurts enough to release tension but does not bring about the detrimental results that cutting does.

 

b) If, for the moment, your friends are not being terribly supportive, would coming here and venting help any?

 

Rozi, I am soooo sorry that I am not more helpful!

 

By the bye, I don't mean to pry (please don't answer me if you don't feel comfortable doing so) but has something happened recently that made you want to cut again?

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

You are very helpful ellie, im sorry i keep posting the same threads, you must get annoyed sometimes and i wish i could stop it.

 

Nothing really happened... Well i lie... I'm not coping so well with my dog having to get put down... I've tried not to mention it but it happened 6 days before christmas and i just don't know what to do. Its silly i know but when the rest of the house was angry... When all my family is yelling at me, telling me im to fat and to dumb then she was there. She even bit my mother after she hit me once. It was awesome. We were never separated. I know its dumb but i always thought she'd last forever. But she didn't and i don't know what to do. I thought i could just pretend its not their. But my friend had to put her dog down the other day and she was saying about how much it hurt and i can't take it. I just can't.

 

I want to be perfect and i can't be, i want my doggy back but she can't come back, i want to understand but i can't!

[Ellie2006]

Rozi! Your asking for help is a good thing!

Please don't ever feel like you need to apologize for asking for help.

Recognizing that you need support is an important first step towards healing, in my humble opinion.

 

I am sorry to hear about your beloved pet ...

Rozi, please allow yourself to grieve for your loss.

 

How about posting here about advice for how other people dealt with the loss of a pet??

 

Also, Rozi, it's okay to be imperfect. In fact, no one, Rozi, absolutely no one, is perfect. Imperfection is what makes us human; and it is these little "quirks" that make us US!

 

Hugs to you, Rozi,

Ellie

 

ps. I miss reading your poems, R! Do you think writing one about your dog will help any?

[arwen]

Sweetie, you don't HAVE to be perfect. NO one is. I have felt like a terrible failure in my depressions when I first had them, and later on I realized that if I'd allow myself to feel like that, it would only make matters worse for me. You have friends who love you, and you're a great gal. Also when you feel like crap.

 

As for your pet... I am so sorry... it's a completely different kind of love, the way you can love a pet. It's no less than you can love another person, and it's ok to mourn about that.

 

Hugs,

 

Arwen

[avman]

I'm sorry about your pet. Pets can give so much love and ask for so little in return. It's normal to mourn the loss of a loved pet. It's going to take a little while before it doesn't hurt so much. Give yourself a break and let yourself cry about it once in awhile. Let those feelings out that you are bottling up inside.

 

Everyone is right - you aren't supposed to be perfect. Humans are full of flaws. That's what makes us who we are. You don't have to put on a front for people - just let them see you for who you are. Those that don't accept that, well they aren't really your friends in the first place. So who cares about them?

 

As you get a little older you'll realize that no matter what you do, or who you are - there will always be people that don't like you. There isn't anything you can do about it, that's just the way it is. So since it isn't possible to make everyone like you - then don't waste energy trying. Stick with the people who love and accept you for who you are.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thanks, and deep down i know all that i do but its just still hard. Iwant to make people proud of me but nothing i do seems to work if i get a pretty good mark then nana just says well thats ok but maybe next time you can get an A+. I can't always get As and as hard as i try i suck at some subjects. I mean i didn't fail anything and i haven't since i've started putting effort in. I mostly get Bs i know i should get higher in some subjects but come on its not like a Bs something i should hide in shame. But thats how nana acts. Half the time it feels like my friends wish i wasn't there. I don't know maybe i'm just moaning over absolutely nothing. Not looking to the positives like i tell everyone else to do. But i just feel so hurt all the time. I don't know anymore... I can't not put up a front. I don't want to be that annoying person thats always upset, i want people to think i'm fun to be with. But it feels like i'm only fun to be with cuz they can pay me out. I say some dumb stuff i know that. But sometimes it feels like people don't take me seriously anymore.

[Ellie2006]

Rozi,

Hi again,

 

You're right: knowing that something's right and carrying it through sometimes *are* two different matters but it doesn't necessarily have to be, y'know.

 

R, you just gotta accept Nana as it is, it seems.

Unfortunately, sometimes family members say things without realizing how hurtful their words can be

 

She is set in her ways; so love her for her BUT please do NOT allow her words to negate your positive and upbeat attitude towards your achievements!

 

Sometimes you just gotta let these negative feedback go in one ear and immediately leave from the other!

 

 

Yes, it's nice to make others proud BUT it's so much more important to be proud of yourself!

 

Look at all your achievements you've made so far, R, and be proud, girl!

 

You're a loving daughter/grand-daughter/sister

You're a great friend

You've got a caring and kind heart

You're an animal-lover

You're one smart cookie!

You're an accomplished poet/writer!

.

.

.

the list goes on and on

 

Also, every time you resist the urge to hurt yourself, this is a huge accomplishment in and of itself!

 

B.E. P.R.O.U.D. of your inner strength, Rozi.

 

Take care~

 

Ellie 1:

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thanks so much That made me feel so much better

 

And i guess you're right but it would be nice to have nana talk to Cherry (my sister) about how well i did instead of the other way all the time. But i guess i have time to make that happen.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Yeah, i don't wanna go there. I'm a christian and i don't care if i sound all boring or whatever but i'm not into the getting drunk seen. I want to do it once so i'm not always tempted and stuff but after that i don't wanna go there.

[arwen]

Yeah, i don't wanna go there. I'm a christian and i don't care if i sound all boring or whatever but i'm not into the getting drunk seen. I want to do it once so i'm not always tempted and stuff but after that i don't wanna go there.

 

Haha, well we are like-minded on this one, Rozi!

 

I think Ellie gave an excellent overview of the Rozi you should get to know. She's there you know. You ARE the great friend, daughter, etc. Now, it's time to be your own friend. Treat yourself as well as you do others. You are not boring and most of us here post the same story or a similar one over and over here. It takes time to get rid of negative thought patterns, that's why they are called patterns.

 

Is that you in the pic? You're a gorgeous girl.

 

Arwen

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Guessing you were meaning my old one? Then yeah thats me. Thanks, wish i could believe that though.

 

Thankyou arwen for your advice, I guess deep down i understand it, though its hard to comprehend. I've hated mytself for so long and its hard to believe that i can be ok again, and proud and all those things.

 

Though i do know its possible. Well thankyou anyway