I'm Cracking!!!!

[finewhine]

It's been nine, count 'em NINE, months since I broke up with my ex, and I have this horrible urge to e-mail him. I haven't had any contact with him in three months, but I feel like I NEED TO TALK TO HIM.

 

The last time we spoke (over IM), he said that he was probably moving out of state around now. I want to ask him if he moved or not, but if I do, that will open the door to communication, something I would like to avoid for as long as possible, if not indefinitely.

 

I had this perfectly vivid dream about him last night. I dreamt that my extreme pain over the end of my relationship enabled me to go back in time, and that I was able to have undone our relationship. In my dream, I was hanging out with his best friend and he and his new girlfriend came around. They proceeded to tell me how blissfully happy they were, how they were getting married, how it was the perfect relationship. I tried to tell them that the ex and I never went out, but they didn't listen and went on and on about how wonderful their life was. Then, in the dream, the ex darted away and performed some illicit oral action on a guy in a van (?!?!). Then the ex admitted to me that he was gay and I forgave him for being so mean to me.

 

This dream was patently ridiculous - as far as I know, my ex is NOT gay - but it makes me think there's some aspect of the healing process I still haven't undergone. Does this involve answers from him? Or is it all me?

 

I've been so, so good about not talking to him in spite of the fact that he tried to talk to me all the time until about December. I don't know what precipitated this latest attack of thinking about him or wanting to reach out to him.

 

I don't know what to do - should I ignore this impulse or run with it? I have been expecting an e-mail from him about his move for a while now, and it hasn't come.

 

Once he moves, I will have "closure" because I won't worry about running into him. If he moved/is moving, I want to know for sure. But I am very afraid of contacting him because I fear it will set me back. I am also afraid I will NEVER be over this, that I will NEVER have closure.

 

There's so much happening in my life right now. Why am I thinking about a dead relationship with a lunatic?

 

Oh, and did I mention he was very cruel to me?

 

Somebody please help me!

[Stereohead]

If you don't want to talk to him... if he was as cruel as you mentioned, and you don't want to reestablish communication with him, don't e-mail him and keep going with non-contact... You've kept it to three months... Keep going, unless you really feel like you need to ask him if he moved out of state that badly, but I don't see why it would matter to you anymore...

 

Find something to distract yourself with. If you don't want to talk to him, and get the communication started again, don't send him an e-mail...

[bella321]

Hi finewhine,

 

I admire your strength and understand the strong impulse to get closure. But sometimes I think that true closure can only be found within yourself. If you ask him if he's moved or not, think of how you would feel with any of the responses. If you think that there is a possible response that will send you backsliding and undo all of the progress you've made using no contact, don't contact him. If you don't think that you will care about any of the possible responses, then, why waste your time asking him the question? Congratulations on your amazing progress and the will power you had to keep NC for so long. Now, take all of the energy you have been focusing on getting over this cruel individual and apply to something that makes you happy.

[Honey Pumpkin]

It's been nine, count 'em NINE, months since I broke up with my ex, and I have this horrible urge to e-mail him. I haven't had any contact with him in three months, but I feel like I NEED TO TALK TO HIM.

 

No you don't need to talk to him - I think you're right, you're coming to an end of the grieving process, hence the odd dreams. But what would you achieve by talking to him again?

 

Leave it another week - see how you feel this time next week, and if that strong impulse is still there. I don't think it will be, which is why I'm saying to wait for a few days. I think if you did contact him just now, you may regret it.

 

Once he moves, I will have "closure" because I won't worry about running into him. If he moved/is moving, I want to know for sure. But I am very afraid of contacting him because I fear it will set me back. I am also afraid I will NEVER be over this, that I will NEVER have closure.

 

I can understand that - once he's gone, he's gone. Except if you're in contact by IM, well, distance doesn't make any difference.

 

You WILL be over this - you're doing fantastically well, and look how far you've come. Keep going, it will get better and better. Honest! Keep posting here, and try to resist contacting him until you're sure exactly why you're getting in touch.

 

Give it a week, see how you feel then.

 

Take care!

[Caldus]

You will get over this, and you will find someone just as good, and if not, better in the future. How was he cruel to you? I strongly agree with everyone else. You need to keep the NC going. Do not contact him under any circumstances. I bet anything if you do that, you will go back to square one with all of this healing. I keep saying that to myself so that I never ever contact her again. Because I know I will just feel really bad again all the time instead of kind of bad all the time, you know what I mean? You have a ton of strength. If you have gotten this far, then surely you can do it for much longer, if not, indefinitely.

[finewhine]

Thanks for your responses, guys. The reason I wasn't online yesterday was because I got out of the house, in part to stop thinking about my ex.

 

The cruelty bit - that's a little bit of truth, a little bit of melodrama. Honestly, he was a huge jerk for several months, and every time I talk to him, I get mad.

 

Honey Pumpkin - I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT! If I'm at the end of the grieving process, it would be miraculous! I kinda anticipated that it will take a full year after the breakup to be totally normal again and to stop thinking about him, but I'd be happier with nine months. Oh boy!

 

Oh, and thanks everyone for encouraging me not to send him an e-mail.