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3 days NC and hurting


sadcomposer
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My brother came to visit last night. We talked quite a bit about my situation. I think I have to face the fact that it's over for good. The only way it could work was if she backed out, and even then she might resent me for it later. If I give in and quit smoking pot, I will end up resenting her. Why does life have to be like that? I can't think of any scenario that would work.

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Love isn't a power struggle. You shouldn't resent her for "winning" a fight. Before there ever IS a fight, ask yourself "is this worth creating strife and friction in our relationship?" Most of the time the answer is NO, and you should just do what you can to make the person you love happy.

 

I don't even know where to start over seemingly choosing narcotics over a meaningful relationship. That doesn't make for a positive outlook for the rest of your life.

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It certainly should not be a power struggle, she chose to make it and now we are at an impasse. I have quit now and intend to try for at least 2 weeks. I'm confident I can do it, I smoked so little in the first place. But it does not change the fact that she is trying to control me. If I give in, what will be next?

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It certainly should not be a power struggle, she chose to make it and now we are at an impasse. I have quit now and intend to try for at least 2 weeks. I'm confident I can do it, I smoked so little in the first place. But it does not change the fact that she is trying to control me. If I give in, what will be next?

 

Just listen to yourself. You're going to quit anyway. You could have quit for her and avoided all of this.

 

Feel like you're giving up control of your life by doing something to make her happy? Then obviously this relationship isn't going to last. It's not all about YOU. Your smoking bothered HER. It made her unhappy. And instead of identifying the problem and trying to fix it, you freaked out and broke up with her.

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It's a very difficult situation, and as you say, not about the pot per se, but about the respective demands of the two people. You want her to accept you as you are, and not to be given an ultimatum, and I can entirely understand that. On the other hand, people do have things that are simply taboo for them, and that no matter how hard they try, they simply can't live with them.

 

I would like to hear her say that she loves you and wants to be with, but it's a particular things with her that, try as hard as she can, she simply can't manage to be around someone who smokes pot for the rest of her life, however much she wants to. I would then like to hear you say to her, bearing in mind you're going to quit anyway, fair enough, I will do this thing for you because I love you and I don't want to lose you either.

 

It's not about her telling you what you should and shouldn't do. It's about her telling you what she is able to deal with or not deal with, and you then deciding what you can give her to help her out with that.

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at least you have some clarity with this situation. from what you posted yesterday, she is firm in what she wants. i also understand why you feel you might resent her. in a way, she has shamed you. nobody likes to feel shamed by someone they love. but it really depends on how you look it. on the flip side another response could be - while i don't judge people who smoke, i see that it is something that i really don't need in my life. i am not quitting for you - it's a choice that i have made for myself, and for my health.

 

these are obviously two different mindsets. if you are quitting for her - you are more likely to resent her. if you are quitting for yourself - why would you resent her? yes, we have to make efforts to maintain contentment in a relationship. but at the end of the day, behavioral changes should only be done for yourself - not for anyone else.

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lover - i hear where you are coming from. but if this is to be approached from the standpoint that it is drug use and maybe addictive use of, most any rehab program will tell you that in order for that behavior to stop - that person must be doing it for himself. you set yourself up for failure when trying to please another. if they tick you off, you may be prone to relapse just to spite them. i have experienced it. i have worked the programs.

 

maybe he has a problem with smoking - maybe not. i don't know. this is a fuzzy area because not everyone views smoking pot the same way. it is legal where i live. many people feel that it is beneficial for mood, migraines, nausea, etc. i don't smoke. i prefer that my partner does not smoke.

 

in a way i think they are arguing about two different things. she has a problem with pot. he has a problem being given an ultimatum. i don't blame him. but, like you said, if he can put away his pride and see this as beneficial to himself - his lungs specifically - then perhaps, as a result, they have a chance.

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Well here is my plan. I am quitting now. I won't tell her or try to contact her for 2 weeks. Then I will look at my options. My problem is that over time, I might be tempted to smoke up when she does not know about it. You can't have a relationship hiding stuff like that, I would have to tell her. Would she leave me then, or would she support me in my effort to keep on trying. I am pretty confident that I can stop completely, but I can't predict the future. As far as my pride goes, I can swallow it as long as I don't have this cloud over my head, always afraid that she will leave me if I make a mistake.

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Well here is my plan. I am quitting now. I won't tell her or try to contact her for 2 weeks. Then I will look at my options. My problem is that over time, I might be tempted to smoke up when she does not know about it. You can't have a relationship hiding stuff like that, I would have to tell her. Would she leave me then, or would she support me in my effort to keep on trying. I am pretty confident that I can stop completely, but I can't predict the future. As far as my pride goes, I can swallow it as long as I don't have this cloud over my head, always afraid that she will leave me if I make a mistake.

 

That's something you should clearly talk to her about, and as long as it's clear that you won't abuse her goodwill, then I would certainly hope that she would support through any mistakes you make, and not blame you for them or leave you. As long as you're making a genuine effort to give up, and she can see that, then she certainly ought to be 100% behind you, no matter how many times you stumble.

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I quit almost 3 years ago, and am much happier for it. I am also working a 12-step program. Please check it out. Savoie is right, you have to quit for yourself. Or keep smoking, it's up to you. It might be fine for you, it wasn't for me after 28 years of it.

Edited by kamurj
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She called me this morning, she wanted my mailing address so she could send me a letter. I told her I'm meeting with my therapist today, which is close to her place, so I could stop by and pick up the letter in her mail box. She said she would be home. I said if she did not mind seeing me I would knock, take the letter and leave. She said ok. She sounded sad, but I can't tell. I don't know what to expect. I sounded very serious and firm. I will let you know how it goes with the therapist and the letter. Thanks

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