Advice Please ?

[4answers]

Hi guys,

 

For those of you who have not followed my story, I was with a girl who pushed for a relationship with me evan thought she was going to univercity. So we began a relationship. During phone conversations I found out that she had had a 3 some with her ex partner and his friend who she did not know, evan though she had previously told me I could trust her because she does not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger.

 

When I found this out I reacted badly to it, I disagreed with what she had done, but was more hurt by the lie! There was no need for it, because she knows I have had one night stands in the past and regret it.

 

I was judgemental, which was wrong and I tried to make amends to this but she ended the relationship. She said that she did not wish to lose me in her life. unfortunately I did the needy desperate ex boyfriend bit which pushed her further away.

 

Once I did a period of no contact, to stop the emails and texts I was sending her, we were back on talking terms. We spoke just after xmas on MSN. However after 2 weeks of no contact (me not logging onto msn) I log on and she has removed me from her contact list. I send an email saying if she wants no contact that is fine but its not what I want.

 

In responce to this she does not reply to the email but puts me back in her contact list, however her photograph shows her with some guy !

 

I lost value due to the way I overreacted, but surly she has to realise that her actions will produce that responce. I have since then tried to get that value back but it does not appear to have happened. It appears that everything she liked about me, the romance, the love, the fun time were just a lie! What I cant understand is why ?

 

How do I resolve such a situation ? how do I get back my value ?

[friscodj]

Hey 4-

 

Well, it sounds to me like your perspective on this situation and yourself has been smacked up, flipped, and jerked around by the grief you are feeling from this separation.

 

I see a situation where someone lied to and cheated on you. Then after she betrayed your trust and as such put you in a vulnerable position, she asks you to remain in her life. Classic selfish and irresponsible behavior...

 

Give yourself a break in how you dealt with things. I'd say you had some leeway in that given the situation, but that really doesn't matter. Is is not the main issue here although it has become a convenient excuse for which your grief to lay blame on you...

 

What matters is it sounds very clear to me that you need to let this go. Your "value" comes from your opinion, and certainly not that from someone who betrayed you like this. The stature of her opinion has as much stature as her words to the effect that you could trust her right before she betrayed you.

So how do you resolve this situation? Walk away from it. You already have value so you don't need to chase after those illusions generated by grief and the words of someone who lied and betrayed you. The best thing here is to remove the source of this, namely...her and your involvement with her...

 

Forget her, forget about emails and contact lists, and forget what happened. You don't need a friend who would do something like that to you either. Quite simply, she is not for you and it sounds like you are far better off without her.

[4answers]

Hey 4-

 

Well, it sounds to me like your perspective on this situation and yourself has been smacked up, flipped, and jerked around by the grief you are feeling from this separation.

 

What matters is it sounds very clear to me that you need to let this go. Your "value" comes from your opinion, and certainly not that from someone who betrayed you like this. The stature of her opinion has as much stature as her words to the effect that you could trust her right before she betrayed you.

 

Forget her, forget about emails and contact lists, and forget what happened. You don't need a friend who would do something like that to you either. Quite simply, she is not for you and it sounds like you are far better off without her.

 

 

Your right, I guess my reaction was right to what she had done. She should not of lied and when caught out on the lie she stonewalled me instead of talking through things. She then ends the relationship !

 

I couldn't handle this, how little it meant, to lose a relationship over a lie and not be bothered by this. Because of this I tried to get it back and did the needy obsesive ex bit which pushed her further away.

 

Why lie, then stonewall.....!!! It has cost her a relationship, but because of my stupid angry, needy desperate actions she is now pleased with this... Hense it all feeling F*** up for me !

 

Her reactions are not normal !

 

As for me I tried to remain in a friendly way, as I hate the thought of the loss of value and your right, this has given her to much power over me, and thereforeeee validated her past actions !!!!

 

She is now with another guy, only 3 months after us. I bet she does not lie to him in the same way, or allow herself to get caught out on the lie.

 

(All i did was ask out a girl that I liked and result is severe hurt.... Someone told me that bisexual people just leave a wake of destruction behind them, it seems to be the case.

[samross]

I'm going to try not to sound too negative but it's going to be heard. I would try to MOVE ON. It sounds like she is not in any frame of mind to be responsive to YOUR needs. Especially when she has made so painfully clear that there are other men (even threesomes) in her life. I think the best way for you to retain your dignity is NC. If she wants contact, then fine but I would not wait on her and pine for her. If she lied to you, she'll lie to the next guy (or guys). I feel for you, bro. I would do yourself a HUGE favor and focus on YOU and someone that's WORTHY OF YOU. She doesn't sound like she's the one. I don't mean to sound like a prude but if she's with more than one guy at a time what does that do to the odds for you or someone else for picking up STD or worse? It's bad enough when there's just one other person. It's something you need to consider as well. What does that say about her?