Trusting a BF that has cheated before...

[MiiSzKiSseSz]

thanks for the advice, i just don't know how to delete it... (don't want him to find out)

[LLammas]

Hon, you don't need to change your ways, he does!

 

You haven't done anything wrong here, and if you let him walk all over you by giving you the one month that his other girlfriend is using for space, he's going to keep treating you this way. Check out some of the other posts in this forum on the powers of NC (no contact). I think you should take some time apart to work this out and look at it objectively. And don't worry- if he really does love you and want to marry you, this will only strengthen your relationship.

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to Enotalone.

 

Hmmm.... I'm not quite sure why you think that you are the one who needs to change.

 

You caught your boyfriend cheating in a very lengthy affair and he is the one placing demands on you? Are you kidding me?

 

When something like this happens it really depends on the circumstances what the best outcome should be. If he had a one night stand and was intensely apologetic and was working hard to earn your trust and show you that he was sorry and wanted to be with you, I might let it slide.

 

But this guy carried out a two month affair, lied to you when caught, told you that you needed to change your ways so he'd stick around, and has lied to you about the women on his website and has a wandering eye still....

 

Honey, this is not a guy who respects you, and not a guy who loves you. It's a guy who is manipulating you to get what he wants and is very likely going to cheat again if he hasn't already. I am honestly shocked at the gall he has-- and shocked that you are willing to not only take him back, but in essense take the blame for his cheating (his choice- not your fault).

 

You say that you are having a hard time trusting him, and with good reason. He's done nothing to show love or respect, nothing to work towards earning your trust... and his actions prove that he cannot be trusted.

 

If I were you I would end this before you get hurt even more. I'm sorry, I know it isn't what you want to hear.

[anggrace]

When he asks you "what should I do?" the answer should be obvious, "have some respect!" He needs to do some serious changing before you ever consider marrying him. I agree that you need some time apart. He obviously isn't capable of being loyal to you at this time and it would be good for you to step back and take some time to think if he's really worth all this pain.

[Kalika]

He lies, he cheats, and then he blames you for it.

 

Honey, the reason you are having such a hard time trusting him is because he hasn't done one thing to earn your trust back, and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve it. How sorry is he? Well, not really that much, because you provoke him to cheat by doing things he doesn't like. Right? So of course, it's not really his fault that he cheated. It's yours. You should change. Sound good to you??

 

I want you to really look at this objectively. Reread everything you wrote, and then ask yourself: What would I say to my best friend if it was her telling me that her boyfriend is doing this to her? What if it was my own daughter being treated like this? Would I want her to stay with this man?

 

I think it's laughable that he even has the gall to use the word "marriage".. Honey, get that idea out of your head this instant, unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life. He's not even a suitable boyfriend, let alone husband. Hell, he isn't even a good friend to you!

 

You teach people how to treat you. And right now you're teaching him that he can drag you through the mud and dirt and you'll still be there to shine his shoes for his efforts.

[Rabican]

Unless you pointed a gun at him and said if you dont cheat on me, Ill kill ya! then the only person who needs to change their ways is him!

 

My goodness, it amazes me when reading these threads how people get things so upside down, right is wrong left is right, back is forward... how is it that common sense goes out the window as soon as sex or love is involved.

You may have relationship problems, ie fighting too much. Not enough sex, difference in religion, he likes sports, you dont etc. etc. But that does not justify cheating. Furthermore, if he tries to pin it on you, that is proof that not only is your relationship in trouble, but he isnt worth your time!

My vote, you only have a year or less invested in him.... leave find anther man. But if you insist on torturing yourself and staying, only do so if he is willing to accept all responsibility for the cheating, and do whatever you want/ need him to do in order to fix your trust in him.

[MiiSzKiSseSz]

Thank you for all your advice.. I think I'm going to take the time apart to think about it and give him time to think about the way he's treated me also. I'm just scared because I've always had trust issues even before it happened, so I feel like if I leave him alone for a few days he'll find someone else. But I guess this is only for the better and if it really is meant to be then nothing will happen.

thank you again...

[Hope75]

Thank you for all your advice.. I think I'm going to take the time apart to think about it and give him time to think about the way he's treated me also. I'm just scared because I've always had trust issues even before it happened, so I feel like if I leave him alone for a few days he'll find someone else. But I guess this is only for the better and if it really is meant to be then nothing will happen.

thank you again...

 

 

You know what? He cheated on you and lied to you and tried to place rules on you in order for him to stay with you. If anything I would have expected the opposite of that- he is lucky that you took him back, and he certainly has not shown that he deserves a second chance. His behavior now is still very suspicious and he has done nothing to earn your trust back, nor does he seem apologetic in the very least. He's manipulating you to get what he wants- this is a very selfish person.

 

If you fear that if you ask for a few days to think things over and he will run out and find someone else, that is just another action proving that he doesn't love nor respect you- and a good reason he should be booted out of your life for good.

 

You deserve to be loved and treated with respect- and he isn't doing that. But as long as you stay with him, you accept that treatment and you show him with your actions that it's OK to cheat on you, place blame on you, and force you to change to accommodate him.

 

Know what? Next time he cheats (and you can be almost sure there will be a next time, if there hasn't been already) you can bet that he'll have another ready made excuse as to why it's your fault and what else you need to change to "make him stay".

 

The only thing you need to change about your life is getting him out of it. That's on you.

[Batya33]

Thank you for all your advice.. I think I'm going to take the time apart to think about it and give him time to think about the way he's treated me also. I'm just scared because I've always had trust issues even before it happened, so I feel like if I leave him alone for a few days he'll find someone else. But I guess this is only for the better and if it really is meant to be then nothing will happen.

thank you again...

 

Here's the issue - you have this abstract romantic notion about how you "knew" you would be together "forever" and yet when it comes down to reality, you are so insecure that you believe a few days apart will cause him to find someone else. I don't blame you for your insecurities - he lies and he cheats. Make sure you are focusing on reality - he lies and he cheats - rather than this lofty notion of "we're meant to be together forever" - watch the feet - his actions - not the lips - what he says.

[MiiSzKiSseSz]

Hello everyone,

An update, I stupidly stuck around for 2 months after the last post (he said it was over with the other girl) but I found out it was a lie and I finally realized what I was doing to myself.

 

It's two years later and I've dated but nothing serious until now. However I've noticed a change in myself where I've become insanely jealous and I know I'm being nuts but I don't know how to make myself stop.

 

I basically check up on my current BF all the time, online, his phone etc. I know he won't cheat because if he wanted to really, he could, right? But I still can't stop myself from constantly 'making sure' for my peace of mind, and even then I feel horrible. Any advice on how I can change this before it ruins my relationship?

[Rabican]

yeah stop it cold turkey... next time you pick up his phone put it down and tell yourself two things

1. he hasnt given you a reason to have to snoop

2. if he really was clever about cheating, you wouldnt find anything anyways

 

 

I am in favor of snooping if you truly see something that is a red flag... but to snoop just to snoop is not a good thing. JUST STOP DOING IT I guarantee you a few days of not doing it and you will feel 10 times better.

[Kalika]

Just like what Rabican said.

 

It's really not right to do that to someone who hasn't done anything to you.

 

There's a lot of room between being aware and cautious versus being jealous and controlling. If you see any signs of your bf misbehaving, by all means, look into it or talk to him about it. Until then, give him a chance.