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help! feeling horrible...


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I don't really have any reason to suspect my boyfriend of cheating on me and I don't really. However, he talks to this one girl a lot on instant messenger and I get very jealous...


So I snooped... I know it's horrible but I just can't help wanting to know what they talk about! And to make matters worse I basically set it up so I could snoop. This wasn't like he happened to leave the IM window up and I read it... I set it up so AIM would log all his conversations! I know this makes it look like an a horrible and insecure person but what I found really hurt me...


It's all in the way he talks to this girl. He tells her she reminds him of these celebrities and then is like "I just saw a movie with her and she was soooo hot!". And then there was a point in the conversation where he mentioned that I was hanging out with my other friend's tonight and thereforeeee wasn't around but then he goes "just because _____ (me) is hanging out elsewhere tonight does NOT mean i can come hang out with you...make sure i know that". What the hell? And then the real kicker was when he was telling her that his friend's were all joking around about how "he gets some on the side"! I mean I really don't think he's cheating on me with this girl (yes call me an idiot but I'm with him or know where he is most of the time) but to me this kind of talk just isn't appropriate when you have a girlfriend who you say you wanna spend the rest of your life with! (PS all these tidbits came from convos in a time frame of only one day...)


I guess I just need advice... Can I confront him about how this hurts my feelings when I basically set him up? Am I right in feeling really hurt by this kind of talk? Would I be justified in asking him to stop talking to her? I just really don't know what to do and I'm so hurt:sad: HELP

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Hey there,


If you confront him with your 'findings' you'll give him a LOT of ammunition in any future arguments and dealings for your insecurities, going behind his back, etc - it's the wrong thing to do to spy on a partner, but everyone has at one point so don't feel too bad for that.


It comes down to a simple fact: do you trust him? Do you trust he would not do anything to hurt you? Many people talk to members of the opposite sex in suggestive/flirtatious ways, either online or by similar means (eg, text) with absolutely no intention to follow through with things, sometimes because of low self-esteem, sometimes because it's just a bit of fun, sometimes to make themselves feel better - often through their own insecurities. If that's all it is, can you live with that? If not, then 'find out' another way that doesn't make you out to be a spying ___ of a girlfriend! If you think it's going to develop into something more, then no matter if it's online or in person, you don't trust him.


To me it sounds like you do trust him but are simply jealous. Don't dig up what you don't want to see if he's just talking (perhaps a little too friendly, but still friendly!) with people. Don't start an argument (you know that's where it'll go!) just to get him to reassure you that nothing will happen with them or it's meaningless or etc etc.


Many guys and girls like to be over-friendly with the opposite sex without it meaning anything at all - I wouldn't worry about it, but at the end of the day, you have to satisfy your heart and if that means confronting him then so be it - but weigh up if it's worth the possible heartache to you both over something that is almost certainly meaningless.

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Yes, It is understandable that you would be hurt by this. Do you know who she is or if they do hang out? Although It is not going to look good that you snooped, I would ask about it. Otherwise, you are going to make assumptions and thats never good. Expect that he is going to try to make this all about you snooping, so upfront take responsability for what you did and be apologetic. But then, be sure he talks to you about this girl. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know. I snooped once. I had a strong gut feeling- a bad one. I found something and immediately confronted him. I was glad I found it and was able to put an end to it. Although it wasnt technically cheating, it was disrespectfull. I didnt accuse him of anything, just asked him what it was all about and gave him a chance to explain. I forgave him and he forgave me for snooping. He understood why I didnt like what I found and respected that. Your bf should too.

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well, you have two problems here... your lack of trust to the point of snooping on his electronically, and his potential (probable?) cheating...


i hate to say it, but he does sound like he is getting some on the side... why else would his friends be talkign about it, and it appears she expects to meet up with him sometimes when you're not with him... really bad signs...


but now you have to admit to him you snooped on him bigtime by forwarding his messages to yourself... if he finds out you did that, he could be so mad he breaks up with you, but then he may be on the verge of that anyway if he's cheating with other girls...


so i think you need to at a minimum talk to him about this other girl, ask him what's up, see what he says, tell him you've heard rumors he's getting some on the side and see what he does... but really, if he is, you should break up with him anyway... he's not trustworthy and flaunting this girl in front of you in ways that make you uncomfortable, and he should have more respect for you than that...

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Great advice from both of you. Thank you so much! I am feeling really hurt and have no one to talk to so it helps a lot to hear such sympathetic words. I do know this girl and they do hang out occasionally (not recently actually tho). I know they are just friends but the way they talk is eating me up inside. I really do trust him because I know he would be so upset with himself if he knew he was hurting me. That's another reason I hesitate to bring this up to him. I know that he would feel absolutely horrible that I'm this upset over something he probably doesn't see anything wrong with. But then again I feel like I need to let him know that I don't think this kind of talk is okay...


I know snooping was a horrible thing to do but I just can't see myself getting over this without talking to him about it. If I try to bottle these emotions up I know I'll just be miserable later. He's also the only person who I can talk to about how I feel and he always makes me feel better. I think I need to talk to him about this. How should I bring it up?

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also, i think that a little flirting is normal, but major, extended flirting via IM with another single girl is asking for trouble, and disrespectful... so how would he feel if you did the same with some guy? sometimes men hide behind the 'we're all flirts' myth, but there is a difference between occasional flirting, and openly disrespecting your girlfriend in front of her and other friends.. even his friends are talking about his behavior, so that's a warning there...

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If you are to bring it up, be on the weak & appologetic side - don't go in guns'a'blazin demanding everything there is to know on his mistress!! You betrayed his trust - you should appologise for that (like anggrace said) but he has also betrayed your trust in another way - you want to know that he doesn't consider talk like that acceptable. Each relationship is different, and each has different boundaries. The 'perfect' relationship would be one where like this doesn't mean a thing. It'd mean a thing to me, though, and I understand if you're absolutely adament that you must say something.


Ultimately - don't sweat it! It's not a big deal, and you will sort it out - if he kicks up a major fuss about it, he's either got something to hide or, and more likely from the sounds of it, he'll just be defensive about the 'intrusion to his space' - so don't read too much in to that. Level with him - honesty is the only way

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I rhink maybe you'd like to trust him but it's pretty obvious that your actions are contradicting your words here.


A girl who trusted her boyfriend would never disrespect him by hacking into his email account and recording and reading his messages.


And if there is no trust, there is no relationship.


How would you feel if he did this to you?

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