Best Friend

[mike4241]

My best friend is a girl ive known for a few years (we're both 16). We were acquaintances for the first year of highschool, then became friends online over the summer before 10th, and since then have been really good friends, often referring to each other as best for the last few months.

 

I started to like her towards the beginning of last summer, but she only saw me as a friend. Honestly, it hasn't gone away, and im very sure she knows it hasn't, but nothing in our friendship has changed, its still as good as ever.

 

It's an amazing friendship online. We talk for hours about absolutely anything. She tells me everything going on in her life, whatever problems shes having, how her day was, and im always interested and there to listen, and the same the other way around. We're so open with each other and all, anything, even sexual stuff we're both comfortable talking about.

 

So a few things i want to ask for advice about. First off, even though our friendship has been this great, she has never said anything. Like you know how you tell people you love them or something, she has never said anything to reaffirm what kind of friend i am, and honestly that has me a bit confused, especially with suff being awkward in real life (ill get to that next). I really want to know what kind of friend i am, but all shes told me is im a friend, so i dont really know how important i am to her and all.

 

Second and most importantly, our friendship is this great online, but in preson, we talk a bit, but that's it. Its nowhere near like it is online. We both agreed its because we became friends online, and that's just naturally where our friendship is best. But i guess neither of us has ever done anything to fix it. I've kinda been waiting for her to do it, shes probably been waiting for me. Like we have little meaningless ocnversations in the hallways of school or lunch, but that's it.

 

We've done some stuff together like go buy food or go to her house in the summer, but it was still kinda awkward. We have this comfort online, that isnt really translated into real life, and i really really want to fix it. But im not even sure how. Also, my parents are kinda weird, so i really cant go anywhere with her (i cant drive, no car, and neither can she). Besides, they wont let me go anywhere if a friend of mine is driving.

 

Finally, yes im still in love with her, especially after the last few days where we've talked so much. Im pretty sure she still sees me as a friend, but i dunno, i want more. Ill have to be content with whatever i get, but like the first thing i said, i still dont know what she really thinks of me, and i would really like to know, she just doesnt seem to want to tell me.

 

Thats about it, thanks for reading.

[MrSparky]

Hey there Mike,

 

The first thing I'd suggest is not to confront her about this - it could scare her away, regardless of if you've already mentioned it before (moreso, perhaps). If you, in an idea world, were ever to progress any further, the relationship would have to leave the virtual world and enter the real physical world.

 

Relationships are about a lot of things (I know you know this, I'm just reaffirming something!); there's chemistry between people; people feed off the reactions and physical contact that occurs between them in real life. The Internet is a very safe place to talk, and you can almost become somebody you aren't. That's not to say that you can be false - sometimes you can be more true online than you are in person, and that's a great thing. It can build confidence, in some ways.

 

But when you are together, you are awkward. Is this because you don't have a physical attraction, or a chemistry, or because you have both had the 'perfect' online relationship/friendship - and both cannot live up to that in real life?

 

Basically - you have to get to know each other - so to speak - in 'real' form. Hang out, do things together - slowly, perhaps, so as you're both comfortable. Don't declare your interests for something more than just friends - it could scare her off, and perhaps you actually may find yourself thinking otherwise after getting to know her as well in person as you do online. If you're good friends online, you can do this by friendly (and casual! It's not a heavy subject, don't make it one!) statements like "we should hang out more, I like when we do!" or asking if she'd like to do something some time. Just as friends!

 

Forget feeling self-conscious when you're with her, as is often the case when someone thinks highly of you who you talk online to - just relax and be cool with her. And most importantly give it time - take your friendship into the physical person and perhaps something will develop. If it does, it'll be obvious through the way she acts towards you, much more so than online whre everyone can be friendly and flirty without it meaning anything. If not, at least you should have helped move a great friendship into a great friendship that you can actually see each other and not feel all awkward.

 

Hope that helps (a tiny bit!)

[mike4241]

lately, some new stuff has happened, and im trying to figure out what it means.

 

She was sick for a few days last week, and during those days we probably talked the most we have for a while, she was telling me everything and i was trying to make her feel better, it was nice. So then she gets better and starts going out, mostly smoking weed. She smoked it alot with people, drinks too, and lately started cigarettes which ive been trying to get her to stop.

 

So yesterday, she tells me shes gonna do X again. She apparently did it once a long time ago, and she has another chance so why not. After i show a bit of dissaproval, we pretty much stop talking. Then she sets up this whole thing i dont understand at all.

 

 

 

She talks to this guy, about how great drugs are and all, how shes even gonna buy him some. Then shes like, this convo is great, do you want to see it? no you dont. So of course i say i do, and she sends it. Just her talking about drugs and her fun experiences, and how i was "freaking out". She meant to send me it from the start, i asked her why, and she woudlnt say it.

 

Eventually she told me she wanted me to be "at her level of drugs", so that she could talk to me about it? I dont get what she meant by this, she doesnt mean she wants me to do stuff with her, she'd never ask that. Does she want to get closer to me? Is my dissaproval keeping us from being more than friends? I dont get what she meant.

 

So then i just told her that i can't just be ok with harder stuff than pot, since there's not denying its harm. I am literally her only friend who's against it, so i just told her i really dont wan't her to do it, but i wouldnt get mad at her or anything. We then didnt talk for like 30 minutes.

 

So we literalyl stay up most of the night after that, which neither of us really do. Around 2, she finally ims me asking if im still up. So we talk a bit, then she finally goes to bed, but she was more sincere then usual. I just dont get that whole thing, and what it means?

[pedrossi]

I would advise you to be very careful, as I've seen this happen before.

There is no way you can continue being best friends with this girl (or anything further than that) if one of 2 things doesn't happen:

1. She quite the whole drug thing and gets new friends

2. You get involved in drugs and her friends

 

From my experience, #2 is a lot more likely to happen, which is why I caution you. No girl is worth getting yourself mixed up with drugs! You're still 16, and I know how passionate feelings can get at that age, but with time they go away.

I'm not saying you should abandon her or anything; as a matter of fact, the noble thing to do here would be try to get her away from drugs (mainly the heavy stuff first), and that's not gonna happen overnight.

 

The reason you feel a lot more comfortable with her online is because you're staring at a screen, and you're not nervous (and neither is she). The screen is a safety barrier; she can't see your feelings, you can't see hers. That gives you that confidence to have a great conversation. You need to take the initiative and try to have those conversations with her in real life (I know, it's not easy...), but at least try. She'll probably act weird, so it might be a good idea to have some topics in mind to talk about beforehand (girls in general love gossip, relationship talk, etc.., [but not all girls are like that]).

 

It's important for you to get closer to her on this personal, 'real-life' level because that will make your whole relationship a lot more 'real'. This will allow her to possibly listen to you more and actually have a serious conversation with you. Slowly, you might be able to get into her head and get her away from this stuff, but it'll take time (don't move too fast, you might scare her off).

 

Remember, if she pressures you (hopefully she won't), don't do anything stupid.

I'm not sure what she means by getting yourself "at her level" of drugs. Perhaps she means she wants you to become more knowledgeable? At any rate, it's always worth doing some research (type in 'ecstasy' in link removed if you're feeling lazy) and getting to know what you're up against.

 

Keep us updated, and good luck!

[mike4241]

Yeah, the whole awkwardness thing in person is what needs to be fixed first off. But i dunno, only time i see her is lunch, and she usually goes smoking. Ive been asking her to stay for once, and she did today, but spent all lunch talking to someone else. I wasn't directly next to her so it wasnt that easy to start conversation, but yeah, i didnt get anything done.

 

Maybe i need to talk to her online about it all, so she knows what i think and how i want this awkwardness to go away, and then take it to real life?

[MrSparky]

Hey Mike,

 

I think more of a natural transition from 'online' to 'real-life' may be easier to do - plus it means having to disclose less up-front! Although, maybe saying to her your intentions of moving it to person-to-person a bit more may get things there quicker.

 

As for the drugs - you sound against them, which is a good thing, is it going to bother you long-term? What if you can't change her at all and she continues doing them with the same frequency (or more) that she currently does them? I agree with Pedrossi on that...