Found out that my friend is a hooker

[Godzilla]

I am a male in late 20s and I have a good friend, a girl. She is not my girlfriend, just a good friend for about 6 years. She's been telling me that she works as a night-time hotel receptionist for the past 6 months. I recently found out that she actually works as a prostitute. I feel that she does not deserve my trust & respect anymore and I want to confront her. At the same time I feel that her personal life (and lie) is none of my business. Can anyone give me some advice on this?

 

[EDIT: just so there is no confusion, I found out by accident and she does not know that I know]

[xmrth]

I don't know...it's such a filthy thing, and she told you about it. She told you and so the way I see it is you've been invited to talk about her personal life with her, so it's definitely different.

 

How did you react when she told you that? Did you support her or did you let her know what you really think about it? Because things like that are best to just be honest... tell the truth, it's filthy to sell your flesh for money, and it's dangerous. She could get killed from disease or from a man that she's doing the deed for.

 

Isn't prostitution illegal, except in Las Vegas or something? I don't know if you want to use that on top of it when you talk to her... but it's just a thought.

[annie24]

If she's been your friend for 6 years, why abandon her? maybe talk to her about her choices. ask her why she is exposing her body to diseases and potentially violence? her body can only be used for a few years in this line of work, does she have an education? because when she is older, she won't get good money anymore and needs to have a plan. and if she keeps it up, she will wind up with a disease, or dead. you never know who you are going to meet in that line of work

[Kalika]

Well, are you deciding not to be her friend any more because she's a prostitute, or because she lied? You need to figure out exactly what it is you have a problem with. And then if you feel you must, you can confront her.

 

Don't confront her to make her feel bad. If you're going to do it, just make it a simple "Hey, you're doing such and such and I don't agree with it, and I don't think I can be friends with you any more because of it." There's no point in confronting her to tell her what you think of her as a person.

 

And here's a thought: If you really want to be a great friend, you can tell her that you found out, ask if it's true, then ask her how it happened that she started doing this to herself... and maybe even what you can do to help. After all, this is someone you described as a "good friend" for the better part of a decade.

 

And if you want to end the friendship, I think you should strongly think about why you feel as strongly about it as you do.

[Godzilla]

I don't know...it's such a filthy thing, and she told you about it. She told you and so the way I see it is you've been invited to talk about her personal life with her, so it's definitely different.

 

How did you react when she told you that? Did you support her or did you let her know what you really think about it? Because things like that are best to just be honest... tell the truth, it's filthy to sell your flesh for money, and it's dangerous. She could get killed from disease or from a man that she's doing the deed for.

 

Isn't prostitution illegal, except in Las Vegas or something? I don't know if you want to use that on top of it when you talk to her... but it's just a thought.

 

 

She did not tell me.. I found out accidentally and she does not know that I know. Apologies for being vague in my post.

 

BTW, where I live, prostitution is legal. It is taxable income in fact.

[xmrth]

Maybe that's even better, as a matter of fact. The tricky part is telling her you know which NOW I see is what you were asking, but it will probably make her feel so embarrassed that you know. She might wonder how anyone else knows, or who else could potentially find out. It may be what makes her stop.

[Beec]

I would not have expected her to tell you something that one would really not be proud of. How many times in your life did you tell someone you didn't masturbate when you were an adolescent? How many times have you tried to hide a nose pick or a fart?

 

This is of a different character and nature, but it is still not the kind of thing you tell someone. Instead, she lied to cover herself, to not be found out. But you found out.

 

What do you do? Well, first, don't tell anyone else? Second, tell her to stop lying to you, you know, you know what she's doing, etc. and hter is no reason for you to be lied to. Then you see if she wants to talk about it, and you be a friend. When she is ready to talk, she'll come to you.

[Godzilla]

Then you see if she wants to talk about it, and you be a friend. When she is ready to talk, she'll come to you.

 

Well to be honest, I don't want to talk about it. I won't tell anyone of course. Its a bit of an awkward situation for me.

[annie24]

don't you think she will ask why you don't return her calls or want to hang out with her? maybe this is an opportunity to help her out, you know, help her get her life on track.

[Beec]

It's not that you do or don't want to talk about it. It's that sooner or later she might, and if she knows you know, she'll come to you, and you can be a good friend.

 

In the immediate future, just tell her you know and don't want to be lied to anymore. And try not to judge her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

a good percentage of prostitutes end up in prostitution because of drug/alcohol habits, childhoods where they were abused and traumatized and they are re-enacting the trauma, or hooking up with bad boyfriends who take advantage of their psychological weaknesses and lead them down the path...

 

and a small percentage do it for the money, because they are too lazy to get the training etc. for a good job...

 

so if she has been your good friend for a long time, i'd try to talk to her about it and find out why she is doing it... don't be judgmental up front, or the door will slam in your face, especially if you don't know why she is doing this....

 

she is obviously ashamed or afraid to tell you, if she is lying about her nighttime employment, but i would suggest that you first try to help her rather than judge her... try to get her into counseling, or help her see she has other options in life rather than selling her body for money...

[itsallgrand]

I don't understand. Do you feel she does not deserve your trust and respect anymore because she lied - or because she is a prostitute - or both?

 

That is a long time to lie to someone who is supposed to be a good friend, about something so very important.

[Godzilla]

As far as I know she is doing it for the money, which I guess is pretty good. She has a good family, no drug habits, no bad childhood.

 

Thanks for all your suggestions. I guess the right thing to do is to warn her of the possible dangers and let her decide.

[Godzilla]

I don't understand. Do you feel she does not deserve your trust and respect anymore because she lied - or because she is a prostitute - or both?

 

That is a long time to lie to someone who is supposed to be a good friend, about something so very important.

 

I am more angry because of the lying. No this has not been going on for 6 years. This was probably about 1 (or so) year ago when she took a "new job".

[itsallgrand]

Ah. Yeah, I can understand that.

 

I would confront her about the lying. But that is just me. A friend who you have cared about that long, I think it worth it to bring it into the open air where it can be talked through.

Like some others have mentioned, she might be going through a tough time and systemically leading herself down a bad path.

 

good luck

[Dara]

If I were you I would be worried about her safety rather than being angery.

[agent1607307371]

Don't mention it.

 

Honestly, you don't know why she does it, she obviously does not take pride in it and she does not advertise it around (ouside of work).

 

If you feel you can't respect her anymore extract yourself from the friendship, but taking it upon yourself to tell her about the dangers (of which I am sure she is more than aware) is quite patronising and if you make her angry then you might end up dealing with a whole load of drama you don't want.

 

Her reasons for doing this and keeping it quiet are her own. The choice to do this is her own.

[Godzilla]

If I were you I would be worried about her safety rather than being angery.

 

I think she is aware of the risks and my advice would be like a drop in the ocean; it won't make any difference.

[annie24]

I think she is aware of the risks and my advice would be like a drop in the ocean; it won't make any difference.

 

yeah, I agree. She probably knows the risks of associating with those people.... but how about a point of view as a concerned friend? ie, telling her that she can do so much better in life.

[mitch17]

cut off the relationship, think of how many times she has lied to u. and not to mention everyone else

[g1234567890h]

Hey, man, she's your friend. If you love her unconditionally, which is what being friends is all about, you won't care about what she does for a living. I have friends who are drug addicts, been criminals, and all sorts of crazy things but I'm still their friend because I love people unconditionally, regardless of their behavior.

 

She is still that wonderful, gorgeous person you knew before you found out that she's a prostitute. What's changed?

[EvaGina]

I am a male in late 20s and I have a good friend, a girl. She is not my girlfriend, just a good friend for about 6 years. She's been telling me that she works as a night-time hotel receptionist for the past 6 months. I recently found out that she actually works as a prostitute. I feel that she does not deserve my trust & respect anymore and I want to confront her. At the same time I feel that her personal life (and lie) is none of my business. Can anyone give me some advice on this?

 

[EDIT: just so there is no confusion, I found out by accident and she does not know that I know]

 

okay, firstly, prostitution is a pretty big part of ALL cultures, it may not be everyones chosen proffession, but I dont see what the big deal is, as long as its all consentual.

 

as for the risks, a lot of those would be eliminated if prostitution was legal, as it is here.

 

Anyways, no, dont confront her, she obviously doesnt want you to know. Plenty of my friends dont know my history (not that I have ever turned tricks) and its not really any of your business.

 

If your other friend worked at a big dirty conglomorate that supported animal testing or somthing, would you harass them about it?

 

I know it hurts that she lied to you, but its not really about you, is it?

[Godzilla]

yes, I feel that the right thing is not to mention it to her (or anyone). However, its bit difficult for me to pretend being ignorant and listen to her describing her fake job at times, but I will try.

[Locke2121]

Well....I could go either way. For one, if I was in the position of being reduced to selling myself for money, I know I would want someone to lean on and confide in.

 

Then again, it would really make it hard for me to talk to anybody that knew about me......

 

She's your friend, plain and simple. Sooner or later I'm thinking that she'll realize that you know she's lying about her job...that will be the time that she will need you the most.

 

May I ask, why would she do it? No education?

[rocio]

yes, I feel that the right thing is not to mention it to her (or anyone). However, its bit difficult for me to pretend being ignorant and listen to her describing her fake job at times, but I will try.

 

Please, please don't mention this to anyone else. She had every right to keep this information to herself. There are some things that you just don't go around telling people because it could destroy your life. She has every right to make her money the way she chooses to make it, without announcing it to the whole world. And by telling you, she ran the risk of having this information spread around. These kinds of things tend to take about 24 hours for the 'entire world' to know, once they're leaked to the wrong person. She has the right to keep information to herself if it is going to cause people to discriminate against her and judge her. She has the right to protect her future.

 

She did not betray your friendship by keeping this info to herself. She was protecting herself, and she would have been stupid not to. But now that you know, as her friend, I think you should let her know. Tell her that her secret is safe with you, that you respect her decisions, and that you will be there for her if she ever wants help switching to a safer lifestyle.

 

May I ask, why would she do it? No education?

 

I had classmates in university who were prostitutes and I also knew girls who finished their degrees and then became prostitutes.