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5-year relationship ended because she want to take advantage of a better opportunity


zocrates
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I want to get to try to get to the meat of the issue in the fewest words so here I go...

 

My (now ex) girlfriend has had a job since she graduated in Norfolk, VA (where she grew up) which is where we've been ever since we started dating 5 years ago. but I recently graduated from ODU and moved back home to South Jersey to take a very promising position as the Vice President of IT for my father's Real Estate Development company. Basically I have 3 other siblings who have worked in the company for the past 7 years who were able to build their own houses for themselves in the past year.

 

On top of my own situation, she could fairly easily get a job up here making significantly more than she would in Virginia.

 

So...knowing that the only thing that makes sense financially is to take our show up to NJ, why would she reject or even have to think about such a move? After being with her for 5 years, I would figure we had built a strong enough relationship that a situation like that wouldn't be as hard a decision as she's made it. She had known that I was moving up here for the past 5 months at least and she still said she's not sure if she wants to move.

 

So I ended the relationship on tuesday because there's no way I want to be with someone who doesn't realize a good situation what it's staring them in the face.

 

My question to you all is am I wrong for ending the relationship? And am I wrong for thinking that her moving up to NJ with me is the only logical step we could take to stay together?

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Welcome to Enotalone.com!

 

Only if she had agreed to move with you. If she did not agree with the move and your doing it anyway then this is for the best then. Sorry to hear about your breakup.

 

Thanks for the reply, I just realized the title should read "DIDN'T want to take advantage..."

 

I really want to get some female opinions because most guys I know would definitely agree with my situation.

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zocrates,

 

I'm a guy who completely disagrees with you. You've spent the entirty of your relationship in one place and your asking her to pick up her life and start an entirely new one in order to maintain the relationship. In essense saying... "It's your choice, keep our relationship or keep the rest of your identity but you can only pick one" That doesn't really sound like an easy choice at least not if you're expecting her to pick the relationship. Good luck though

 

-AG

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What reasons did she give for being hesitant about moving to New Jersey? You seem to imply that a better financial deal trumps everything. Maybe she had other considerations that meant more to her than money. On the other hand, it seems like money means more to you than your relationship.

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Maybe she feels SHE is the good thing you are passing up? She is a good thing staring you in the face and you gave her up, right? It all depends what point of view you choose to look at it from.

 

That is the problem with conflicts like these; sometimes you believe too much in your side to understand the other.

 

For some, decisions to move and so on are not all based on money. When I graduate I can move elsewhere to start off making 6 figures; or I can stay here and start off with an income of about 1/3 that. I am choosing to stay because my family is here (and my my mum is ill so I want to be here), my boyfriend enjoys his job here very much & has his own family nearby in the same province, we have a house and roots here, my friends are here, my interests and hobbies are here...my life is here. And for me money is not everything. Don't get me wrong, financial stress is not good; but we would both rather live within our means and adjust to what we have then trade in family for money.

 

I know you feel maybe also rejected; but she may too if you are only thinking of the money and not the impact this would have on her in other ways.

 

I am not saying either of you are in the wrong; I am saying relationships take compromise and communication and that neither of your wants was more important than the other; and I am sure there could of been compromises discussed or ways to make either decision more favourable to the other.

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zocrates,

 

I'm a guy who completely disagrees with you. You've spent the entirty of your relationship in one place and your asking her to pick up her life and start an entirely new one in order to maintain the relationship. In essense saying... "It's your choice, keep our relationship or keep the rest of your identity but you can only pick one" That doesn't really sound like an easy choice at least not if you're expecting her to pick the relationship. Good luck though

 

-AG

 

First of all, thanks for the reply.

 

I think this way of seeing things is short-sighted though. I think at some point you're going to have to realize that you need to take a hold of a good situation at the expense of what you're used to. Sacrificing a great financial situation just so you can stay closer to your family and what you're used to just doesn't make too much sense to me.

 

At some point, we would have been financially able to move wherever we wanted, but given that my job will set me up for that, it would make no sense for me to stay in Virginia, take a job with more stress and far less pay would not serve either of us well. I'm one that's completely against backing yourself into a financial corner because relationships crumble when finances aren't where they should be. So the #1 priority with me is making sure that we are able to provide for ourselves and each other, and that opportunity exists in NJ, not VA.

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What reasons did she give for being hesitant about moving to New Jersey? You seem to imply that a better financial deal trumps everything. Maybe she had other considerations that meant more to her than money. On the other hand, it seems like money means more to you than your relationship.

 

Money right now is very important given that I'm still depending on my parents here and there since I'm just coming out of school, so financial independence is my #1 priority. This job gives that to me in a way I would never get by staying down in VA.

 

One of her reasons is that she is afraid of what people will think of her if she "follows me" up to NJ as if no woman has ever (for a legitimate reason) relocated to be with a man. Besides that, she's grown now and I think at some point you have to do what's best for yourself and not what other people thin kis best for you.

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Wow that's a pretty harsh decision after 5 years just because she did not tell you immediately "Ok,i will follow you".

 

I think it was wrong of you to end it. It's perfectly normal for people to hesitate about such moves. It needs to be discussed numerous times, looking at it from both perspectives. You seem to be pretty selfish to be honest.

 

If I were you, I would go back to her, apologise to her and tell her that you overreacted as you took her hesitation the wrong way. A good relationhsip requires patience, understanding, compromise.

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Of course, ideally, I would have preferred to stay in VA. In fact, I stayed up many a night job hunting for anything remotely close to a job I wouldn't drive myself nuts doing.

 

She basically didn't want to "uproot" herself even if that meant creating a better future for her and myself. Yes, she would be taking a big step in her eyes, but you have to wake up at some point and realize that temporary sacrifices like this are necessary sometimes in order to get the things you want in the future. Right now, it might stink to move away from everything you know, but like I said earlier, I think that's very short-sighted and doesn't take into account where you want your life to be 5 to 10 years from now.

 

I suppose that was just another deciding factor is that I want more out of my life than she did. I want to be able to send my kids to the best schools. I want to be able to take nice vacations...on my OWN time and not on the time that my job has set aside. Working as a VP of a family-owned company would allow us to do those things.

 

It's a catch 22 really, you can't have a good relationship without a good woman but if the finances aren't there, your relationship will suffer. Which is why I think it would make sense for her to move where we can both be together and get our finances where we need tehm to be at least for the meantime.

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Wow that's a pretty harsh decision after 5 years just because she did not tell you immediately "Ok,i will follow you".

 

I think it was wrong of you to end it. It's perfectly normal for people to hesitate about such moves. It needs to be discussed numerous times, looking at it from both perspectives. You seem to be pretty selfish to be honest.

 

If I were you, I would go back to her, apologise to her and tell her that you overreacted as you took her hesitation the wrong way. A good relationhsip requires patience, understanding, compromise.

 

As I've said before, we've known about this move for at LEAST the past 5 months. I think that's more than enough time to realize what direction we need to move in.

 

I don't think it's selfish at all actually. Some people woudl say that she is selfish for wanting me to stay down there at the expense of being with my family and working a good job. Am I right?

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I think this way of seeing things is short-sighted though. I think at some point you're going to have to realize that you need to take a hold of a good situation at the expense of what you're used to. Sacrificing a great financial situation just so you can stay closer to your family and what you're used to just doesn't make too much sense to me.

 

 

That is a very narrowminded and selfish train of thought if I may add.. To me staying close to family and what im used to is way more important then a few extra dollars in my pocket. Maybe you were right in breaking it off with her it seems you two are on two different realms of reality it seems with you money is more important than per-se family as it is in her case and if I were her i'd be fairly hurt and feel as though you'd probably leave me in the future over money issues. Thats just how i'm seeing it.

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That is a very narrowminded and selfish train of thought if I may add.. To me staying close to family and what im used to is way more important then a few extra dollars in my pocket. Maybe you were right in breaking it off with her it seems you two are on two different realms of reality it seems with you money is more important than per-se family as it is in her case and if I were her i'd be fairly hurt and feel as though you'd probably leave me in the future over money issues. Thats just how i'm seeing it.

 

I know it sounds as if my first love is money, but all I can do is do my best to reassure you that that is far from the case. I just realize that love without money is pretty damn hard, so I want to make sure I'm in a position to provide for my family and I take every opportunity to do so.

 

Too many marriages end in divorce for this very reason. I'm not going to get so caught up in love that I forget what I need to do to make sure we make it in the future. Again, I think the key word here is "future".

 

And again, we're not talking about a situation where I turned down a "moderate" job for a "better" one....my ONLY feasible option was to move up to NJ and take the job with my family. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough to you all which is why I'm appearing like a money-grubbing a-hole. But I took the only job that was basically offered to me.

 

Given that this was my only option, and that she could relocate up here and get a better job, please explain how I was wrong in asking her to move up here so we could stay together?

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So what are her plans for the future?

 

I think that you have a different set of priorities, and that she doesn't seem to share them. Money is much higher on your list than on hers and not wanting to follow someone to where she may not have as good prospects or be happy is not selfish.

 

We have already established that she could take the same job up here in Nj for more money, so that's not an issue.

 

Again, it's not so much that money is a priority far and above anything else in my life, but it's either take this very promising job....or work retail or wait tables somewhere. Why would she want me to do that? I would never ask my partner to turn down a good job to work retail and I would hope no one here would do that either, but I'm being told here that I should have stayed? If that makes me a jerk, then so be it.

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Then maybe the job isn't about the money for her, maybe its about being in a place she likes where she is settled and has family and friends.. Maybe?

 

Too many marriages end in divorce for this very reason. I'm not going to get so caught up in love that I forget what I need to do to make sure we make it in the future. Again, I think the key word here is "future".

 

 

Given that this was my only option, and that she could relocate up here and get a better job, please explain how I was wrong in asking her to move up here so we could stay together?

 

Because when she didn't follow you, you broke up with her. Asking her to go and keep you or stay and lose you was a cruel ultimatum and one you shouldn't have made if you were not prepared to lose her.

 

Many marriages also end in divorce for the same reason your relationship here ended. Love being over looked for money. You are so set on your plan that it is unflexible and really didn't take your partners wishes into consideration.

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No, moving to NJ to take a job was not your only option. I have lived in Norfolk and there are many job offers may not be the exact ones you want but if you really cared about this girl you would have taken what you could for the time until something was planned out for you two. So yes it does seem like you're all about your priority and noone else's. She is supposed to give up everything just to move with you so you wont have to give up anything makes no sense a relationship is supposed to be 50/50.

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I never said you should of stayed; I just felt it was not right to say she was in the wrong either. Neither of you has to be in the wrong to just be incompatible in terms of life goals and desires. Maybe there could of been a compromise, such as you moving and her visiting before moving, or you waiting until you graduated to find something here; I am sure it could of been for something more than waiting tables if you have a degree. I don't know. I am not there and don't know how much you discussed other options.

 

My boyfriend's ex left him because of similar reasons; she felt it was better for her to live somewhere else but he could not go at the time, and felt his life was here. She expressed regrets to him a few times as it has not turned out she has met someone suitable, but has presumably chosen a path better for herself she feels. And he is happy with how things haver worked out for himself.

 

If you are incompatible, then it is what it is. You cannot force the other to change their priorites. You did what felt right to you, to follow your goals, and in time you will meet someone whom shares similar priorites and goals in life; as will she, or at least someone whom is able to compliment yours better.

 

Good luck and I hope it turns out as you hope it will.

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One question I forgot to add..

Why did you break up with her? If you two couldnt come toan agreement right away why couldnt you have stayed with her and you went to where you were going to go, let her stay where she's at and then yall decide something. To be honest I think you went a bit drastic

 

Well like I said earlier, we knew this was coming for a while now, probably 5 months.

 

but I ended it because it's just the fact that she had to think about us being together. Although you all seem to disagree, the only rational way for us to be together would be for her to move up to NJ and she refused to see that (just as some of you here are too). We invested a lot of time in the relationship, but after 5 years, I would expect there to be enough love between us that she could sacrifice moving away from her family (something nearly everyone does at some point in their lives) for us to be together. So it gave me a better look at our relationship and that it kind of hit me that there was obviously something lacking if she couldn't make that decision after 5 months. So I decided it wasn't worth trying to work something out if after 5 years we hadn't established that kind of love yet.

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No, the way you look at the relationship is she is supposed to give up everything and move for you otherwise she wasnt commited in the relationship? That isn't love my dear your opinion on love is she either gives up everything and moves away for you or you're done with her. What exactly would you have given up? NOTHING!! what a very selfish way to look at things. Im happy for the girl that you broke up with her,she deserves way better than to be treated this way.

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Then maybe the job isn't about the money for her, maybe its about being in a place she likes where she is settled and has family and friends.. Maybe?

 

 

 

Because when she didn't follow you, you broke up with her. Asking her to go and keep you or stay and lose you was a cruel ultimatum and one you shouldn't have made if you were not prepared to lose her.

 

Many marriages also end in divorce for the same reason your relationship here ended. Love being over looked for money. You are so set on your plan that it is unflexible and really didn't take your partners wishes into consideration.

 

Saying I chose her over money isn't entirely accurate at all. A case like that would be turning down a job where I earned enough for us to live reasonably for a high-paying job off in another state. That's not it at all.

 

I took the only job offer I had, and it just happened to be in another state. What do you do at that point? Especially when she could get a better job if she moved as well?

 

I'm not going to work as a garbage man if I have a better job offer somewhere else. I won't do that for any woman on this planet. And unless she's making enough for the both of you (in which case you wouldn't need to work) I wouldn't expect anyone to do that for their spouse.

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No, the way you look at the relationship is she is supposed to give up everything and move for you otherwise she wasnt commited in the relationship? That isn't love my dear your opinion on love is she either gives up everything and moves away for you or you're done with her. What exactly would you have given up? NOTHING!! what a very selfish way to look at things. Im happy for the girl that you broke up with her,she deserves way better than to be treated this way.

 

We're obviously not on the same page at all.

 

Given that I had no job offer in VA...but I had a very good job offer in NJ, what would you have me do in that situation?

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Then it's better that you're broke up with her.

 

 

She obviously wasn't about to follow a man for his job. You weren't about to try other avenues... Basic incompatability and lack of desire to compromise.

 

Be happy that you're moving away with a completely fresh start available to you and try to stop thinking about her, it won't help you be happy.

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