Enhanced No Contact (ENC): Ten ways to improve the no contact experience

[karvala]

This is about helping you to get past the pain of breakup, and start to heal. It is founded on no contact, but goes beyond it: it is Enchanced No Contact.

 

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THE THEORY

 

First, what's it all about? Well, we know that no contact is advocated widely as a valuable tool for healing after a breakup. It's not a panacea, and is not for absolutely everyone regardless of circumstances, but it does work effectively for most people, and reduces pain at a time when it's desperately needed. Sometimes, though, no contact needs a bit of a boost. We need help to maintain it, and we need it to work more effectively for us. This is what ENC is all about.

 

Thoughts and feelings Asked how she was able to cry at will on screen, a famous actress once said "It's easy, I simply think of something sad, I feel sad and then I cry." And here is the point: if you *think* about something sad, you will *feel* sad. And if you *don't think* about something sad, you *won't feel* sad. It really is that simple.

 

What are the sad thoughts? You need to know what not to think about. Most people in the situation will say thinking about their ex makes them sad, but we need to be more specific. Why is this? What do we think? The five forms of LOSS

 

(1) Lost lifestyle: we think about the good times we had, and compare them to our lives now, and feel that we've lost something in the things we do in our daily lives.

 

(2) Lost support: we think about how nice it was to have someone to talk to, to confide in, and think that we no longer have this.

 

(3) Lost opportunity: we think that our ex was special, was "the one", and that we have now lost this unique opportunity forever.

 

(4) Lost future: we think about all the good times that we were going to have with our ex, that we can no longer have because we're no longer with them.

 

(5) Lost love: we think about how good it was to have someone tell us how great we were, how our existence means a lot to them, how they loved various things about us.

 

What is the difficulty with maintaing no contact? Actually, there are two. One is simple: we're addicted to our loved ones, and we don't want to withdraw from them completely. The other is more subtle: we're afraid that by withdrawing contact, we're pushing them away further, or missing an opportunity to get back together with them.

 

The two-pronged attack of ENC. The aim of no contact is simple: go cold turkey, break the addiction and stop the bad thoughts. The less contact we have with someone, the less we will think about them, the fewer bad thoughts we will have, and the fewer bad feelings we will have. But no contact is a blunt instrument for this. Many of us have implemented no contact, but still battled with thoughts about our ex that go round and round our heads all day.

 

We don't just want no physical contact with the ex. We want no mental contact with them. That is the ultimate aim of ENC.

 

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THE PRACTICE

 

There are a number of practical things you can do to improve your no contact experience. Some are the usual no contact distraction techniques. Some are mental exercises. Some are specifically targeted to combat the five forms of loss outlined above. Some of these you may find easy, some you may find difficult, depending on your particular circumstances and personality. Don't fret; it's not a test and nobody is going to mark you on it. At the end of the day, it's for your benefit. But don't shy away from trying one because it seems too difficult. Put great effort into the attempt. You will be stronger for it, and not only your ex, but the whole world, will love you more that.

 

Initial activities. These are to be done as soon as possible after the breakup, as prerequisities for starting ENC. In a nutshell, there is no point in doing no contact of any form unless you believe in it. These are to help you do so.

 

(1) Write a list of all the things the ex said/did during the last part of the relationship/breakup that led to clearly understand that s/he no longer wanted to be with you. This will be inevitably painful, but you must convince yourself that s/he really no

longer wants to be with you. If you find yourself doubting this fact later on, come back and re-read the list.

 

(2) Write a list of all things that you don't like about your ex. After completing the initial list, try to add one daily. If you find yourself thinking that your ex is the one (loss of opportunity), read the list. Think of the millions of people in the world, and don't stop until you've convinced yourself that there must be many people out there who don't have these bad qualities. You don't have to convince yourself that you're going to meet them at this stage, simply that they exist.

 

(3) Think of a time that you were feeling down or in difficulty, and your ex did not help you. Might be a time near the breakup, or an earlier time. Write it down. Finish it with the words "[ex's name] did not support me. I deserved support."

 

(4) Think of something that you would like to do in the future, but would have been unable to do, or at least it would have been much more difficult, because you were with the ex. Could be going to college (meaning moving away from the ex), living somewhere else, having a lifestyle that the ex would not have wanted to participate in, etc.. Write it down, and finish it with the words, "and this is why my future will be better without him/her". Think of the wonderful time you can have in this future now, and keep thinking about it until you are at least partly convinced by this. Read this again, every time you think that you lost your dream future when you split up with your ex.

 

(5) Now I will ask you to something difficult. Focus on the fact that if things were the other way around (you had dumped him/her), and you'd changed your mind, you would go to great lengths to contact him/her and say so. You would keep doing so for quite a while. Fix this in your mind. Now tell yourself that taking one month out will *not* stop your ex from trying, not cause them to give, or drive them away, if they really care about you. You know this is true, so completely convince yourself of it. And now pledge that will take a one-month holiday from them. Total holiday. They will not exist for one month, even in your mind as far as you can manage it. After one month you can re-evaluate the situation.

 

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Once initial activities are done, we move to daily activities/strategies

 

(1) Insofar as possible, remove all traces of your temporarily non-existent ex from your life. Remove their speeddial from your mobile phone, delete their e-mails, pictures etc.. If you can't bring yourself to delete them, put them on a CD, and hide it in a cupboard somewhere, so that it requires a major effort to view them.

 

(2) Allocate time each hour to think about your ex. Initially, you may be allowed to think of them for 45 minutes each hour. After two days, try to cut it down to 40 minutes, then 30 minutes two days later etc., until it is no more than 5 minutes. If you can manage it, make it zero eventually. Outside of these times, when a thought about your ex pops into your head, say (out loud if no one else is around!), "I can't think about you now, I'll think about you next hour.", then try to remember what you were doing before the thought came, and return to it.

 

(3) If you find that you're crying each day, or wanting to (and this is perfectly normal!), try to allocate a specific time, once per day, to grieve about the relationship. During this time, you can unleash as much emotion about it as you wish, cry as hard as you feel like crying. And then realise, when you're done, that you're still here, and go and do something especially enjoyable.

 

(4) Do enjoyable things that you could not do with your ex, such as watching that DVD that s/he hated, eating in front of the TV with a friend, going out with people your ex didn't like etc..

 

(5) Think of ways in which you can improve yourself and your life that you believe will be appealing to other people. It doesn't matter if they are actually appealing to other people, as long as you genuinely believe they will be. Try very hard to implement some of them. It won't be easy, self-improvment is tough at the best of times, and you won't have many emotional resources available right now, but if you can even do one each day, you've achieved a great thing. Remind yourself about these great achievements each day.

 

(6) If you find some times of day particularly bad for thoughts of your ex, try to schedule mentally-demanding but pleasurable activities then, such as playing the piano, playing a game, conversing with a friend about something other than your ex etc..

 

(7) Spend as much time as reasonably possible around other people. How much time obviously depends on your lifestyle, personality, circumstances etc.., but however it much it usually is, increase it. All the time you're actively with someone else, you're less likely to have time to think for long periods about your ex, and the more you have to concentrate on normal functioning.

 

(8 ) Don't go to bed until you are so tired you are sure to fall asleep very quickly. The night time is a vulnerable time for those bad thoughts.

 

(9) Get something especially nice for each morning (luxury shower gel; expensive coffee etc/.), or even better, schedule breakfast with a friend if you can, so you don't get hit by those morning blues, and have your mind start to wander.

 

(10) Keep a thought/feeling diary, to be filled in once a day only (no sneaky filling in all day as a way to bypass restrictions on allocated thought times!). If you feel you're not making progress towards the end of the month, read the diary. See how bad you were at the beginning, see how much better you're doing now.

 

After one month, read your thought/feeling diary. Is it working? Are you any better at all? If so, then you know what to do to feel even better: give it another month! Your ex will still wait for you if they're serious about getting back together. If they're not, then you're escaping from a whole heap of pain. If you're not feeling any better, which I will be amazed by if you've really been following the suggestions, ask yourself why not. How much have you really been thinking about your ex? How closely have you pursued the strategies? Give it some serious thought, and consider trying again.

 

Finally, always remember the central message about enhanced no contact

 

DON'T JUST STOP SEEING THEM. STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM!

 

And the best of luck to you.

[LONESOUL]

Fantastic post. Really good.

[secretdarkness]

That is awesome! Thanks for that, very helpful!

[hockeyboy]

(2) Allocate time each hour to think about your ex. Initially, you may be allowed to think of them for 45 minutes each hour. After two days, try to cut it down to 40 minutes, then 30 minutes two days later etc., until it is no more than 5 minutes. If you can manage it, make it zero eventually. Outside of these times, when a thought about your ex pops into your head, say (out loud if no one else is around!), "I can't think about you now, I'll think about you next hour.", then try to remember what you were doing before the thought came, and return to it.

 

I have found in the past that this is the hardest thing to do. Controlling what you think about is quite difficult and it usually does not just involve just "flipping a switch." Trying to stop thinking about the ex but not being able to is one of the most frustrating things in the world. I really think your right though that the less you contact them (ideally none) the less you'll think about them...in time. So I'm not sure we can force ourselves to stop thinking about them, but we can force ourselves to do other things to try to limit it.

[kermit]

Hockeyboy: Lighten up. You're obsessed.

[hockeyboy]

I've actually felt better the past 2 days about this girl in particular (not saying I'm over it by any means)

 

But in the past after I got out of long term serious relationships, I found what I said above to be true.

 

My point is that people should not get down on themselves if they can't fullfill the expectations of being able to force the ex out of their heads for X amount of minutes per hour. While there are tactics you can use to try to do so, it's not easy, and you should realize that time is the really the best tactic you can use.

 

Just like healing from any other injury. You can rehab to make yourself better, but no matter what it is going to take time. And often when we heal, you don't see that your making progress in leaps and bounds because it is slow and gradual over time, but after a month, you will be able to see some significant progress.

 

Hockeyboy: Lighten up. You're obsessed.

[Orlander]

Speechless. excellent

 

Orlander

[kekep]

Hockeyboy: Lighten up. You're obsessed.

 

you're being harsh on hockeyboy, kermit...i think he made a valid point.

 

anyway, great thread! lots of good tips

[karvala]

Thanks for the feedback, folks, much appreciated.

 

In an ironic twist of fate, I've finally had the long-coming split with my gf this evening (ouch!), so we'll now see how well I can practice what I preach!

[spikespiegel]

Wow, that was really, really good! Thanks for posting!

[christy1002]

GREAT! Thanks! (and good luck on practicing what you preach...you can do it!)

[supercalifragilistic]

Thank you very much for this post, I'm going to do just that. Hopefully it will work =)

[ruby19]

This is awesome. Great post.

[breeze33]

Thanks for the feedback, folks, much appreciated.

 

In an ironic twist of fate, I've finally had the long-coming split with my gf this evening (ouch!), so we'll now see how well I can practice what I preach!

 

thank you for bringing this over. I was missing my ex a lot and after reading the list I wrote about him, it helped me with NC.

 

btw, how are you doing?

[Blazer]

WOW Karvala, Great Post, informative, positive and helpful ! Thanks

[honeyspur]

(2) Allocate time each hour to think about your ex. Initially, you may be allowed to think of them for 45 minutes each hour. After two days, try to cut it down to 40 minutes, then 30 minutes two days later etc., until it is no more than 5 minutes. If you can manage it, make it zero eventually. Outside of these times, when a thought about your ex pops into your head, say (out loud if no one else is around!), "I can't think about you now, I'll think about you next hour.", then try to remember what you were doing before the thought came, and return to it.

 

I have found in the past that this is the hardest thing to do. Controlling what you think about is quite difficult and it usually does not just involve just "flipping a switch."

 

 

I think it needs to be said that controlling thoughts is a practice we must undertake. A repetitive process we do daily in our head.

Like tying your shoe or memorizing math, thinking "well" must be done over and over like a broken record until it sticks.

It should also be mentioned how comfortable being sad and lonely is.

Many people seek comfort through these feelings and don't realize it.

When we are moping, we are giving ourselves much needed sympathy.

Like anything, that too can become a habit that needs to be broken.

 

What it comes down to is changing your self-discipline level. If you can keep yourself in line and not talk yourself out of it - you CAN stop thoughts of the ex.

[love4life]

Great post, karvala! The mental focus is something my therapist had to beat into my head over several sessions this summer, but it's so true. We're in control of our thoughts, it just takes a LOT of willpower and self-control.

 

Anyway, I especially like this one:

 

(9) Get something especially nice for each morning (luxury shower gel; expensive coffee etc/.), or even better, schedule breakfast with a friend if you can, so you don't get hit by those morning blues, and have your mind start to wander.

 

I may treat myself to a morning mocha from now on instead of the generic stuff at my office Pampering myself is something I've never been good at (something I was raised to think was selfish and unnecessary) so I'm really trying to teach myself otherwise. Life can involve little luxuries on a daily basis - we deserve it!

[bustertypsy]

Good post but wouldn't work for me.I think you must feel the pain in order to heal.Although I agree with NC,I cannot accept that by not thinking about them is a help.

Firstly it's so hard to control one's thoughts,but why would I want to try and forget what was a major part of my life.For me I MUST go thru the pain (no pain,no gain)By feeling intense pain,and I mean profound,excrutiating pain ,is what I need to feel in order to start the repair process.

At some stage I think the hurt needs too be felt,so I'd rather do it as quickly as possible,so I can then go forward and begin to see life with some optimism once more

[love4life]

Hey buster,

I agree. My opinion is that while you need to feel the pain of the loss, it's taking control of your mind's tendency to wander to the "What ifs" that's the issue. Now, I'm as guilty as the next guy in doing that, but you can really drive yourself crazy if you let that take over your life. That's where the control of thoughts needs to be put in place. It's not beneficial to think "coulda shoulda woulda" - you end up beating yourself up for something you can't change.

[karvala]

I think love4life has answered it very well. It's not about wiping your ex from your memories in any sense at all; it's not something you can do, and it's not something most of us would wish to do. It's about not letting fruitless, repetitive, thoughts that cause us to feel bad take over our lives.

 

With regard to pain, I partly agree and partly not. Clearly, the pain does need to be felt. It would be marvellous if someone invented a pain-free way to get over a relationship, but until that time, we'll all have to go through the pain when we break up. If we avoid it too well at the very beginning, it will be sure to catch up with us at some point. But there comes a point, and in my view it is this that separates those who get over a relationship in a reasonable space of time and go out and live their lives again and those that are caught up in a long drawn-out cycle of grief, when the pain must be made to go away. The pain is ultimately what still connects you to the person you lost, and it can be a way of holding on to them. To finally let go of the person, you must finally let go of the pain.

[love4life]

As my oh-so-wise therapist put it - feel the pain, but don't let yourself SUFFER. Pain is a natural feeling - even animals feel pain - but suffering is something we choose to feel.

[Abbie]

****bump****

[zzeitgeist]

I am going to start this today. I'll try for a month and see if I am doing better then now. Thanks for posting this.

[LAYAAN]

great post! thank you!

[BrokenheartUK]

Brilliant post, I will try some of the things mentioned. Thanks!