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I went to therapy tonight. It was okay. I really needed it.

I feel better. I'm going to work on getting out of my parents house by summer.

I love my parents, but they make a lot of flipant remarks. My mother is judgemental and my father, well, he doesn't get the notion of "I need some space".

 

Anywho, I have to look out for myself. I want to get better too, and I need to get out of this house to do so.

 

I just feel......I don't know. Part of me feels glad that I'll have something to work towards. And part of me feels so sad. Sad that I can't rely on my parents when I need them the most.

Sorry that they'll never understand or be able to empathize with what I've gone through, and not just the rape, but everything else too.

 

Sad that they don't see how much the things they say and do hurts me.

 

I'm so emotional these days, I cry so frequently, but at least now I realize that I'm this way for a reason.

Thinking about those reason makes me a little bit sadder.

 

But there is hope, good news, I think that living on my own will help me greatly. I'll have a place where I can go to relax, to think, to be.

I won't have to walk around with my guard up all of the time.

I think I'd smile more.

I can be me without being critized by my family.

I can breathe.

 

I think the weight and confidence will gradually come back when I reclaim my personal space.

 

I didn't realize how much I really needed to be on my own.

 

I'm happy thinking about it....well I feel more peaceful thinking about it.

 

My boyfriend and I have settled on the 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom apartment.

I, personally, feel more comfortable with the idea of the 2 bedroom, 2 bath.

 

So, my boyfriend will be away for about a year. Maybe I could live in the two bedroom and move to the 3 bedroom when he arrives.

 

I need a place that I can afford.

If I get a second job I'll be able to afford the 3bd. but will I be able to live comfortably? No.

 

So...I think I'll get the 2 bd. and move when he gets here.

 

I want to get better, I really do, and at least now I have a better idea of how I'll do that.

 

I'll be living on my own. I can't believe it. I'll be supporting myself, my own money. I really like that idea. Although I'm a little too tired and _____ to really appreciate it at this moment.

 

Well, thanks for listening.

I really appreciate it.

 

~Grace

I feel so sad right now. I think about the rape more frequently than I care to, but I mostly think about the events preceding it.

And I feel so sad. I think about how that girl was so happy, weeks before the rape.

Isn't that sad. I never seriously thought about it before, but now it hurts.

She knew I was going to be raped, and she was so happy about setting me up!

How could I have not been tipped off about her behavior. Over a date, she doesn't get that happy about anything.

And at the time I thought she was happy to play match-maker.

Now.......now that I understand.......how could a person be so cruel?! And why?

To be so happy in anticipation of the horrible thing she was about to do.

I mean, she did so many horrible things, but.......I don't know, as time goes by I see more. I can actually see things more clearly as time passes and it only yields more pain.

I can see her facial expressions, that look on her face, her laugh, how thrilled she was...and I was so stupid!!!

How could I be so stupid, the whole time! The whole time! And I could only see it when it was too late.

It's like watching a movie, and realizing that I'm the dumb one, obilvious to everything.

Why weren't my eyes opened? Why was I so blind?

And I remember thinking that her behavior was strange. She was doing strange things, and I just dismissed it. I told myself that everyone is different, and it was no big deal, just her quirky-ness.

And I feel so sick. So sick.

I mean she knew so much about me. About how much I had been through. About the abusive relationship, and the stalker. She knew how much crap I had been through. Everything, and it was all just a game.

Why was I so nice to her? I should have kept my distance.

I should have known.

The signs were there. But I just thought she was human, and thereforeeee different than me.

I didn't know that she was evil.

I didn't believe that she would do anything to hurt me.

But I should have.

Time and again she showed me that she didn't have my best interest at heart.

But they were such small things. Things stated in conversations. Bad suggestions.

Why me? Was I such an easy target? Was I so much fun to torture.

Why did she find me being raped to be fun and exciting?

Why did she hurt me after I had already been hurt so much?

Again and again and again, she found ways to hurt me more.

She used me when I was in shock.

She kept tabs on me, tried to keep me from telling.

She even had me drive 30min. to take out her trash under the pretense that she had a puppy who she forgot to leave food out for. Needless to say when I got there, there was no puppy in sight.

How could she be so cruel.

I was hurting and in pain...so much pain, and you want to add insult on top of extreme injury...and have me go out of my way to empty your trash!!!

I can't get over that hurt just yet. How could I have let someone so evil get so close to me and not even know it?

She was a snake, I didn't see her, and she bit me, and I'm still trying to bleed out the poison.

How do I get it out of my system?

And I was pretty, and slim, and........afterwards, I put on so much weight and she lost so much weight.....and then she was pretty and thin. Does that mean anything?

And she tried to buy me off?! She wanted to buy me something to hush me up and make everything all better.

What? What did she think? Did she think that buying me something would erase all of the things that she did.

That it would make up for her setting me up and trying to shut me up and for him raping me?

That b****! And I almost killed myself because of her. Because of the things she told me that he said, and she laughed!!!!

She laughed!!!

What's so funny about me being raped?!

What's so funny!

I'm hurt and angry and crying and all she can do is laugh and say "you're so funny!"

I'm so broken because of this whole mess, because of everything, and all I can think about is her laughing at me. Am I that worthless?

I felt so ashamed, ripped, and broken.......

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Congratulations on the strides you're making and keep moving forward! Therapy can be completely rewarding and cathartic, so I encourage you to keep going and keep these pesky discouraging thoughts out of your heart. Stay strong, know you're a fighter and look to brighter days!

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