Mental illness in relationships.

[g1234567890h]

This is my crazy life. I'm posting this for everyone who thinks their mental or emotional problems are holding them back in relationships.

 

I’m currently in a serious, functional relationship with Faith, a very beautiful, eccentric, outgoing, nice, mature nineteen year old who goes to my college. I’m twenty and a huge introvert. More on us later.

 

My name is Phoenix and I have bipolar disorder. For those of you who don’t know what this is, look it up on Wikipedia or something. I can't post a link.

 

A few statistics on bipolar disorder. It affects about 3% of the American population. About 25%-50% of the people who have this condition attempt suicide. 11% of people who have bipolar disorder complete suicide. Yes, I have attempted suicide when I was seventeen.

 

We had a psychology class together where we had to make dating profiles. I saved mine, showing here:

 

“I’m a long-haired rockstar/preschool teacher/writer/psych student. I live each day as my last but I live my life as if I’ll live forever. I currently sing and play guitar for my band that recently broke up. I’m writing my thirteenth novel. I take care of children and I love my job. I’m going for my PhD in clinical psychology to become a child therapist.

 

I’m looking for someone who has a lot of imagination and humor. I’m looking for someone who does or wants to live life to the fullest knowing that each and every day may be all you have. I’m looking for someone who loves adventure, music, books, art, and trying new things.

 

I enjoy life far too much for someone in my position. I work hard, play hard, and sleep well at night.”

 

One person in the class asked if I was single. I hesitated, but had to say yes. She said I had a lot to bring to a relationship. Then Faith volunteered her profile, which I liked, so on a whim I asked if she was single. She didn’t reply and we didn’t talk for until the next class meeting, where she told me she was single and she wanted a date with me. I was really not looking for a relationship at that time but I had nothing to lose so I said yes.

 

At that time I was really high on a manic episode, so I just wanted to be crazy. I planned a first date where we went on a walk around the lake to talk about life. I told her everything about my condition and she told me she had depression. Then I brought out my guitar and sang a love song I was working on. I showed her a video of Machine Head (I hope someone on this forum knows who they are) and she said she was hungry so I took her out to a late lunch or an early dinner. I figured out she liked books so I took her to a used bookstore afterwards where she found some things she liked. I just had fun. I had no motivation to make things work. I wanted to leave her breathless. I did a good job and she said she had fun. She asked me on a second date, so I said yes. We started having sex on our sixth date and things have been great ever since. Well, as great as things can be when one person who has bipolar disorder and the other has depression.

 

We are similar in that we take care of people in our lives. We largely offer the emotional support and buffering in our families. Most of our friends look to us for support and care. As for me, I take care of about fifty different children over the course of the week, ages three to five. I work twenty hours a week and I’m taking five classes in college. She’s working fifteen hours a week and taking six classes in college. We’re both planning on getting PhD’s. I have a 4.0 college GPA and she has a 3.9, only getting one B.

 

We are different in that our personalities are almost polar opposites. She is outgoing, intuitive, emotional, and perceptive while I’m an introvert, a thinker, judger, and I sense what’s going on rather than try to perceive it. She has so many friends I still haven’t met them all. She was able to meet all of my friends in a week. She loves spending time with people our age and I just don’t like people our age. She’s had about ten boyfriends before me and I just don’t like people. We’re also a biracial couple. I’m Chinese and she’s Caucasian. She has depressive episodes on a regular basis and I take care of her. I have manic and depressive episodes on a regular basis and she is there for me.

 

Girls try to pick up on me on a regular basis. Guys try to pick up on her on a regular basis. We’re both cool with it. We have friends of the opposite sex but we’re never jealous. We’re both very interesting people, I guess that’s why we work so well together.

 

So I wanted to post this to see how people react. It’s just an attempt for me to open up to the outside world. I’m going to start a website about people who live very productive lives with bipolar disorder.

 

You're free to ask questions if you want.

[Batya33]

My parents have been married for over 50 years. My father is bipolar but with mostly depressive episodes. He wasn't diagnosed till the 1970s - he has been ill over 50 years - because there wasn't really such a diagnosis or the means by which to make such a diagonisis. It made for a very challenging and often very difficult childhood and my mother is a saint and a heroine for all she has done for my father. In general, he is very appreciative, grateful and loving to her. Despite this horrible llness, my father achieved much in his personal and professional life and has given a great deal to others in terms of time, energy, effort and also money where appropriate. All this in spite of the horrible stigma on depression and mential illness until quite recently, and the lack of knowledge about care and treatment until the last few decades.

 

Despite how difficult it often was he gave me great values. While I would have understood at times if my mother had decided just to throw in the towel, that she didn't gives me such an example of "for better or for worse."

 

Thanks for sharing about your relationship - frankly it sounds pretty typical and that's a compliment - doesn't sound like the relationship is part of a "crazy life." Maybe it's because of I know of many biracial couples and of many couples where one or both have a mental illness. I am glad you were able to connect with someone who you can relate to and who can relate to you. Good luck.

[Hope75]

One of my best friends is bipolar, gay, and has been in a stable, loving relationship with his partner for over 3 years.

 

He had a very difficult childhood and his teenage years were even worse, his mother is bipolar and his father came out of the closet when he was a teen (his parents had long since divorced since then and his mother has 9 children with 4 different men). His mother hates him and rejects him (due to his homosexuality) and the feeling is mutual.

 

This friend of mine was in and out of psychiatric hospitals into his early 20's, and had multiple suicide attempts, from slashing his wrists to jumping off a 2 story building's roof. When he was manic he was really in people's faces, and he actually got seriously assaulted as a result of this and ended up hospitalized at one point.

 

Within the last 10 years he has really leveled out. He takes his Lithium, he goes to work, he just earned his first college degree with a 4.0 and is continuing on for the next level, and he and his partner are very happy and stable.

 

So I definitely agree that it's possible, and I have seen first hand it working and thriving.

 

I'm happy for you that things are working out.

[Dako]

The recent advances in diagnosis and treatment are a blessing.

My bipolar 63 y/o brother suffered most of his life from suicidal despair and dangerous mania. In the 60s, he was a puzzle. Today, he's on meds and more functional.

[g1234567890h]

Thank you for your touching replies. Faith still doesn't quite grasp how this affects my life but we're working on it. We have our moments of mutual frustration with each other, but who doesn't? Our bond keeps growing stronger the more we're together. Because of our backgrounds, we're both scared of commitment so we agreed to stay together as long as it's good for us both and when it doesn't work anymore we'll remain friends afterwards. We fantasize about a wedding, how we would mix a Chinese and a Catholic wedding together, even though neither of us associates ourselves with those groups. But in reality, we both know it's very unlikely that either of us will get married at all.

 

But that's the beauty of our relationship. We had to grow up really fast so we're not living in a fantasy world. We not making promises and commitments we can't keep. We were both suicidal at one point in our lives so we appreciate the fragility and mortality of our relationship. That brings a lot of comfort to our lives.

[Batya33]

That all sounds good - do you mean your mental health background scares you about commitment? What relevance does your different cultures have to why you are together? You've brought that up twice as if it is something unusual. Maybe it is, where you live but I'm not used to seeing a focus on that unless it is to ask a question about a cultural difference or issue.

[g1234567890h]

That all sounds good - do you mean your mental health background scares you about commitment? What relevance does your different cultures have to why you are together? You've brought that up twice as if it is something unusual. Maybe it is, where you live but I'm not used to seeing a focus on that unless it is to ask a question about a cultural difference or issue.

 

90% percent of people who have bipolar disorder and are married get divorced. She's also been through some rough parts of her life that makes it unlikely for her to get married or stay with someone for a long time. It's okay, though, because we're on the same page about that. We're only nineteen and twenty. It's way too early to be thinking about married or even about long term commitment. We might think about it in six years, minimum. I'm planning on holding out until I get my PhD, so that will be a while. We use both the patch and the diaphragm, so we're being overcautious about getting pregnant.

 

I mean the cultural difference as a good thing. We live in the San Francisco bay area, in California, so it doesn't get more liberal and multicultural than here. We think it's funny because she's supposedly supposed to date someone white and I'm supposedly supposed to date someone Asian. We see it as rebelling against out families but in all reality our families are cool with it. It's a little unusual and it's nice. People think we're a cute couple because we're so different.

[Batya33]

OK. Where did you get your 90% statistic from, by the way? So, just to understand this better- is your point that it is possible for a bipolar, interfaith couple to be able to happily date? I don't know - that doesn't sound too unusual to me - I am not judging you in the least for not having serious intentions to marry or get engaged in the near future - you are both very smart and sensible in your approach and in what works for you, in my humble opinion, I'm just not so sure how being in a dating relationship with someone else who suffers from depression and is from a different culture is that unusual.

 

Obviously, do what works for you, but I get the sense that part of the motivation for you to be dating Faith is because you see it as "different" or "unsual" -- radical? sounds like what my sister did at your age in her dating relationships and in particular she also thought my parents would disapprove and wanted to rebel . .. .but they didn't.

 

I wish you both the best of health and everything else and I am glad you can both be there for each other and be supportive of each other.

[g1234567890h]

Haha, no, you're blowing it way out of porportion. Those statements were not meant to really be serious or mean anything. It's not that unusual to be dating someone who has depression or from a different culture. We just think it's interesting because she has never dated outside of her race before but I have only dated outside of my race. The race and religion thing really doesn't make that much of a difference for us. We've also only dated really emotionally unstable or immature people before so it's nice to find someone who has some maturity.

 

Here's the statistic.

 

"Family support for bipolar disorder is critical, yet scarce. One half of people with bipolar disorder are not medication compliant. In his clinical practice, the divorce rate for bipolar disorder is 90%. Dr. Ghaemi explains how important it is for families to help, especially with medication issues."

 

link removed

 

That's in a clinical practice. In reality bipolar disorder is vastly undiagnosed.

 

I'm not really here to offer opinions on anything. I'm just not an opinionated guy. I state the facts for people. The point of this post is to tell people that no matter what kind of emotional problems you might have, it is still possible to find a serious, loving relationship. You just have to accept and love yourself, live life with an open heart, and not worry about the future so much.

[Batya33]

I agree with your sentiments - but that is true for all people - many people have some sort of obstacle to overcome before being in a relationship. It seemed above that you believed you had an unusual message to share because you are dating someone with depression and you have depression. Now I understand your message better, thanks for explaining -- and again it's just my opinion that it's not so unusual to find someone to date (as opposed to achieving a long term stable marriage or committed relationship with someone who suffers from depression.) Obviously I could be wrong and if you can help others so much the better - good luck!