What is my problem?

[meantime]

I went no contact for a while. He came back. In the time away I realized I don't want a relationship with him, even as I write this I know it is still the truth. He wants a second chance. Why can't I just tell him no. Why did I agree to see him this weekend when I really don't want to? When I see his name on my phone I don't feel anything anymore. So why would I agree to meet him?

 

Please I need help with this problem. I don't want to lead him on and have told him I don't want a relationship with him. Does anybody understand all of this confusion? Any help will be appreciated.

[twistedsoul]

Just because you don't want to "be" with him anymore, just not change the fact that you had a bond with him. He is familiar and someone that you know and feel comfortable in that there are no surprises with him.

 

It sounds as though you feel you may be vulnerable to doing "more" with him that just being friends. But if you don't really want to be with him, then you are hurting yourself as well as him! Neither of you deserve what you will put ya'll through.

 

Tell him that you want to be friends, but that the "relationship" is over and that you need time away from him to come to terms with that. He needs it too. Everytime you agree to go out with him you give him the feeling that there's a chance.

[friscodj]

Your feelings and actions are normal. You are still attached to him, even if you don't want such an attachment. I also think you are viscerally afraid in many senses to really detach and face the resulting grief from that separation and maybe you viscerally enjoy being "chased" and like the associated ego boost.

 

This is a classic case where you both need time away from each other so feelings can equalize. A true friendship is not possible right now, no way, no how, no chance, not with such an emotional imbalance and dichotomy going on. You can't say "No" even though you want to and he can't say "No" and he wants you. This is the making for more pain, frustration, confusion, heartbreak, and a constant struggle for the both of you. I absolutely guarantee that 10000%...

 

It's going to be tough but it is necessary here in your specific situation. Since you are the one without the emotional investment and subsequent level of vulnerability here, you've got to stand up and do the hard thing here. Break this clean, separate for a while until the feelings balance out, and come back together later on down the road as friends.

 

Realize this is not mean, it is not cold, it is not throwing away what you had, it is necessary. Buck up and cut this poor guy loose already. It is very likely he is far too wrapped up in you to know better. You do know better, you know you want to say "No", so now it comes down to toughening up and doing it for your sake and his.

[meantime]

friscodj I really appreciate your response but I just got it and I ended up spending the weekend with him. I guess I was too weak to stand up and do the strong thing. I think you are correct that I am enjoying the chase, he has hurt me so bad in the past it does feel good to see him feeling so lost and afraid. I know that I am not being a good person. Also, after actually seeing him I remembered why I loved him so much. He said he understands how I feel and to take as much time as I need to consider the second chance. Your post was great but now I have allowed confusion to set back in, I truly don't want to hurt him and was able to be completely honest, I told him I don't know if I will ever feel that way again. He said he still just wants to try. I guess I need time. Thanks so much.

[friscodj]

Hey meantime-

 

That's OK, you are not a bad person for doing what you did. You're trying to find your way like the rest of us. And you are learning deep and important things here and no one else can do this for you.

 

As far as where to go from here, I strongly suggest you take your time to yourself and away from him. I have won Super Bowl-esque MVP trophies in these types of chases and I can tell you the best thing she ever did for me was cut me loose and not call me. I look back and thank God she did that for me because I was so lost and my perspective shot to hell. And after the chase was complete and the feelings of victory wore off, things went right back to the way they were before.

 

I have never lived, seen, or heard of a lasting and healthy relationship come about from one person who was sucked into it when they really wanted out of it. I've lived and seen examples of this and they were not pretty...

 

And one more perspective for you...put yourself in his place...what would you want if he had your feelings and you had his?

[melrich]

Yes I think your responses are understandable but now that you have a clear idea of where your head is at you really need to take the lead, be fair to this person and let him know exactly where he stands.

 

Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind.

[meantime]

Thanks guys. I do sincerely love him, (no longer in love due to the history) I just know that a life with him would be filled with anxiety and misery. He offered to become an open book and have no privacy so that I could feel safe. He is not the most honest person, but I think I would have to be always wondering if he is being truthful. He has so many good qualities but if he can easily deceive then they are not worth very much are they? I know that answer that is why I know I can't do this anymore.

 

I think he thinks he can do it, that is the sad part. I told him last night he has never seen what I am worth and that there was I time I could not see my worth either, but that those days are over. I told him I am not sad or angry, just done. I know he will not go easy and that is where it all will become a mess...again.

 

And, there is that selfish part that wants to hang on, I don't know why...... this relationship just hurts the both of us. Where does that strength come from to really let go? I so admire the ones who have been able to do it.

[friscodj]

Hey meantime-

 

The problem here is that your knowledge is too distant from your heart. You theoretically know what to do here but you don't really know what to do because I bet you have never been in this situation from his side of things and experienced deep and lasting emotional effects from being there.

 

And that's OK. How are you supposed to make decisions based on experiences you haven't had?

 

I have been both chased and chased several times in different situations by different people at different stages in my emotional, psychological, and intellectual development. The very hard lesson I have learned is that you simply have to let go sometimes regardless of how you feel or perceive the action of such.

 

In my analysis, the clarity came much later, and often when I found myself on the other side of situations like this. It all suddenly made perfect sense to me why the other person was behaving the way they did and I understood why I did what I did to hold on and subsequently the reasoning behind the other person now doing the same.

 

The resolution in this particular situation is going to be reached after one of two things happen: either one or both of you will become exhausted by the situation or one or both of you (likely him by my experience) will experience a building frustration and confusion that culminates in a proverbial "falling out". I can see it coming clearly...

 

You see everything here but your desires to hold on likely bred from fear of letting the minute probability of potential romantic love here go and as you said, this situation gives you a nice ego boost and makes you feel good. I think you're going to to have to proverbially "live and learn" on this one and so will he. You both will walk away from this with Master's Degrees in this type of situation that will serve you invaluably for future relationships I guarantee it.

[meantime]

Well I think you are correct. I just keep letting it go deeper and deeper. I have told him everything upfront though. I have told him I don't think I can do this there is just too much that has happened. I told him I had to deal with the heartbreak he caused and I worked really really hard to get myself back up.

 

He knows where I stand and he wants to keep trying. None of my friends or family believe we could stand a chance. I tell him all the reasons, I tell him everyone says he is absolutely no good for me or me for him, but he just stands there...willing to try.

 

He has made us a therapy appointment. Yes, part of me hopes that there could be a miracle here and part of me hopes someone else will deliver the definitive blow to this relationship. But in my defense I am honest with him about how I feel and he just believes we can get it back. The thing is "it" just wasn't all that nice to begin with, only moments and pieces of it were wonderful.

 

I am guilty of not wanting to let go and you are so right when you say my knowledge and my heart are too far apart. And, I never want to give him the opportunity to hurt me again. I need to remember all the pain...but still it is just so hard...I can't let go right now and do the right thing for me and him, I guess it is emotional immaturity, selfishness, boredom, it was so easy to let go when there was pain, I guess I will just have to wait for the first sign of pain to remind me this is never going to be good. Thanks again.

[friscodj]

Hey MT-

 

You are being honest with him and that's very important. He needs to take some responsibility for his side of this for sure, so this isn't all on you by any means. Sorry if I came accross that way...

 

You told him with words, but they didn't seem to register. The next step is action...decisive and firm action in a case like this no matter how it feels to you... Your feelings tell you one thing and your head another. There is conflict there that isn't going to get you anywhere. You have to pick one or the other...and the one you don't pick won't bow out easily...

 

At any rate, no matter what you do, as long as you don't do anything illegal or get pregnant, you guys, in some amount of time, will be fine. You know what's going on and it is only a matter of time before this gets resolved. The sooner the better as it will spare prolonged and deeper grief, but you can only do your best.

[meantime]

Friscodj...Hey thanks for all of your input believe it or not it made its way into our conversation this evening. He does not feel it is wise to accept outside feedback on our relationship due to its complexities. I told him it really had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with my relationship to myself...so thanks again.

 

The bottom line, the absolute truth is I am not using the knowledge I have gained or appreciating all the hard work I have done to pull myself out of that depressive hole I lived in when we broke up.

 

And yes, I DO NOT want to let go and I know that is what must happen and we are only prolonging the suffering.

 

The thing is he has been with someone else and decided that he truly loved me, in my mind he would have waited to figure that out before moving on to the next woman. He was telling me he loved me before he showed her the door! That is very scary. If I handed myself over to him I would be losing the person I have worked so hard to become. It still kills. I still do not know if I have the strength.

[friscodj]

Friscodj...Hey thanks for all of your input believe it or not it made its way into our conversation this evening. He does not feel it is wise to accept outside feedback on our relationship due to its complexities.

 

So he basically told me to go to hell then? Cool...just like my last girlfriend...

 

The thing is he has been with someone else and decided that he truly loved me, in my mind he would have waited to figure that out before moving on to the next woman. He was telling me he loved me before he showed her the door! That is very scary. If I handed myself over to him I would be losing the person I have worked so hard to become. It still kills. I still do not know if I have the strength.

 

Maybe instead of fighting this, get back together with him. Give him another shot. Think about it...run the scenarios through your head and picture the two of you together...

 

Maybe reverse psychology will work here...