Has he met someone else?

[never-too-late]

It's killing me to feel this way. I am suffering so much.

 

My long-distance boyfriend told me 2 weeks ago how unhappy he is with our long-distance relationship. He has been complaining about it a lot these days. Anyway, we both agreed that we will try our best to move closer to each other within the next 6 months.

 

He has been having a hard time at work with his boss and because of that he has not been promoted as he had hoped to. He has been telling how upset he is that I cannot be there close enough to him. He has been telling me that he is tired of this and it's upsetting him. He said he has needs that I cannot satisfy since I am not close enough to him.

 

So 2 days ago he told me that he wants be less involved with me and to take a distance. He wants to do this until our situation changes. He said that if I want to continue our relationship, I need to accept this. He said that he still loves me and he cares for me but he does not want to spend his time talking on the phone all the time.

 

I was quite shocked. He said that he needs to take the distance to stand the situation but I have the feeling he wants to meet someone else or he has already met someone else? I asked him and he said that there is noone else and he would tell me if there was. However, why would he want to take a distance, now after giving each other the target to be closer?

 

I asked him yesterday if we could talk. He called me after work and I started to question him about it. I said to him that I feel strange about it and I worry. He said that he tried to explain to me how he feels and I should try to respect it.He said that when he sees all of his friends with their girlfriends being close to them, he gets upset. He said that he is fed up of being the perfect boyfriend when he sees me only once in a while. I asked him again if it means he is with someone else, at this point he got upset and said to me that no there is noone else and that he has so much worry from work and I only add to his worry.

 

He is coming to see me next week but I am feeling so strange and confused? Do you think it means that he has met someone else but does not want to tell me? Why would he want to take a distance and be less involved with me? I did not talk to him today but I feel there is something going on that I don't know? Please help.

[Day_Walker]

I think that it could mean that he has met someone else it is hard to say for sure.

[Scout]

Well, he's coming to see you next week, so that's a positive in a way. I think you two should really talk when he gets there. I also think you should ask him if it bothers him so much that you two are not together on a regular basis, then why is he trying to make it even less so, instead of talking about how you can be together on a regular basis?

[robowarrior]

You have it right, If they say that they want distance it translates into wanting to date other girls. Wouldn't blame him however, why not? because if you two never see eachother and there's a world of distance between the two of you, you might as well consider yourself separated.

 

LDR's are bad unless one of the parties decides to give it all up and live permanently with the person that they love. So its either coming together, or giving the relationship up. So better make arrangements to stay or leave from him permanently , before another girl crosses his path that he will commit his heart to.

 

Its not strange that people do this, your bf isn't an exeption. He's suffering from lonelyness and if you aren't there to fill up the gap, people become desperate.

[karvala]

I would guess, and obviously it can only be a guess, that he hasn't got involved with anyone else yet, but to be honest, he does seem to want to open the door to that possibility, and someone doesn't typically wade into the trouble that inevitably brings unless they have something/someone in mind for the near future. Any chance the move can be speeded up somewhat, or at least that a more concrete proposal can be put on the table, to at least let him see that it's not an endless pipe dream and you really can be together at some point soon?

[Scout]

Robowarrior, not sure that is the case here. Read one of her earlier threads:

 

It sounds to me like her boyfriend is really trying to make an effort to get them together. never-too-late...are you making that same effort? What is holding you back from moving over there?

[Scout]

Although I just skimmed over some of her other threads...looks like there is a history here of taking breaks. Why have you two been in this long distance relationship for so long?? I don't get it. It's obviously been full of ups and downs.

 

One of you needs to move to where the other is living if this is ever going to go to the next level.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, reading back over your other posts, my thoughts are that this isn't so much about him wanting to be with someone else - he is simply very unhappy with the situation the two of you have right now.

 

He sounds to really need more. And he has hit the end of his rope. This is IT. Something changes now: will you be a part of it or not?

That is something you need to decide NOW.

 

It's great he is coming over this week. Yall can talk. And make love! Don't neglect spending some really awesome time together by making the entire trip all intense and relationshippy-talks. Have fun too.

 

Ask him what he needs to make this work. Tell him you aren't happy with him taking distance.

 

It's crunch time, as they say. You two have enough challenges in this relationship without the long distance. You need to make arrangements or not, not 6 months from now, but soon.

 

He cares about you. Don't get sidelined into thinking 'other women' right now.

This is still about you and him.

[never-too-late]

But if that's the case that it's about me and him, why did he tell me that he wants to be less involved with me?

 

You know he told me 2 weeks ago that something has to happen in order to change our situation. It was him who came up with the idea that within the next 6 months we will do our best to be closer. He told me that he will try to look for a job in my country and if it doesn't work out, I will go to his country to learn the language. I was very happy with the arrangement.

 

However, 2 weeks later, he said 6 months is too long and he does not feel strong enough to wait. He said he is pesimistic that something will happen. Anyway, if we both agreed to move closer to each other, why does he say now to me that until then he wants to take distance, be less involved. I cannot understand that.

 

How can we talk about a step towards each other when at the same time he is asking for less involvement? That's why the only reason I can think of is that he is with someone else or at least interested in someone else? I asked him what does he mean by distant? He said that we will talk less often as he does not want to talk over the phone too much anymore.

 

I mean I am taking private lessons, which cost me money to learn his language in order to go to his country later. How can I feel that I am making the right investment when now he is telling me that until the situation changes, he wants to be less involved? He says it's because that's the only way he can continue??

 

Also he has been telling me recently quite often that he has needs I cannot satisfy as I am far.

[itsallgrand]

But if that's the case that it's about me and him, why did he tell me that he wants to be less involved with me?

 

Well, he already told you. He is unhappy and doesn't want to do LD anymore.

 

Until or unless things change, involvement with you would mean long distance...and he doesn't want that.

 

What about you? Have you been happy with the long distance situation? Do you want to keep doing what you are doing, slowly working towards some time where you can be together in the same place?

 

To be honest, I'm surprised he hadn't brought this up earlier about cutting off the long phone calls and such. Unless it leads to something concrete in the future, it gets tiring and depressing even. It's like life is going on without a person.

 

I don't know what else to tell you except to have that talk when you see him.

It sounds like he has given a lot in order to try and make things work with you, he is just tired. People don't keep up with this unless they want things to work, but every one has limits. He has reached his.

 

good luck

[never-too-late]

But as I said I have told him that I will go to his country near him to learn his langauge. I am now taking private lessons already. I told him last night that if he wants to, I can go sooner than 6 months later but he is the one who then tells me that he needs at first to stabilise his job situation before I come as he would not be available for me?? He said we need to wait until it's clearer where his job is going to be?

 

So he is tired of it but when I suggest to go there, he says no. And then when I told him that I could go and see him this weekend, he told me that he has got to prepare himself for an interview and look for a new job.

 

I am trying to do something about it, the best I can. But my suggestions are rejected in the end?

 

And if he says I should wait until his job stabilises, why would he now reduce his communication with me? I need him right now as much he needs me, I am going through so many life changes, going to his country would be one of them and instead he wants to take a distance?

[Scout]

Hmmm....it does seem there is a pattern of move forward, step back, move foreward, step back in your relationship. This isn't the first time he's asked for a break either, is it?

 

Perhaps you two should use his upcoming visit to find out once and for all exactly what you both are getting out of this relationship, and if what you are getting will continue to serve your needs in the future.

[never-too-late]

This is so hard. He is not contacting me at all.

 

I am not quite sure what does he expect from me when he says he wants to be less involved? I think it sounds like a gentle way of saying he wants to break up? I can't even call him now or send him a message as I am not sure where I stand with him.

[never-too-late]

I am in tears:sad:

 

I worry that we are actually broken up without him saying it loud. I haven't heard from him since Wednesday. I am ill and he has not even asked me if I am better. I feel like texting him or sending him an email asking him if we are not together anymore because now I feel like I cannot even contact him like a normal boyfriend. It's so hard. I honestly did not see this coming.

[never-too-late]

I think I am slowly starting to understand it. He wants a break until our situation changes. He does not want to be with me fully until then. And if we decide to go closer each other than we can try again. He is basically telling me I don't want to let you go fully until then but now I want to be alone without you. That's why he said that I should not worry and that it is only temporarily until the situation changes and that he still loves me. He wants to stabilise his job situation so he does not really have the time for me as well. And that's why he says it's up to me if I can accept this or not. It took me 2 days to understand him. However, one thing he does not realise. Going to his country means that I am sure he loves me and wants to be with me. I cannot go there without having that feeling? It's so not so easy to move for someone.

 

It's not a complete break-up but it's not a relationship anymore. It's not a relationship where I can tell him, let's go skiing or let's go somewhere for the weekend. It's basically a temporarily break until...

 

It's really hard. I mean could he not wait 6 more months for me? It is for sure that if it does not work out in my country for him, I would go to his. This was the agreement. Why couldn't he wait?

[never-too-late]

I would be very happy for some help

 

I am getting nowhere with myself. I am trying to be strong right now but it's not working. I end up crying in the end.

 

I asked my boyfriend if he could call me last night. He did but it ended up in a disaster. He told me that he needs to focus on his job search right now. I told him that I respect it but he said that he knows I will call him 2 days later again trying to talk to him again.

[Momene]

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I see it as the beginning of the end. If you do finish, at least you wouldn;t spend your life hanging on a maybe but it's really make or break time.