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- - Our friend, Scared12 Needs Our Help - - Words of Advice and Encouragement

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One of our members needs our help. Please any words of encouragement, advice, hugs, please take the time...... I am posting this for her. She's become a dear friend of mine through ena. Right now, she is hurting very badly and doesn't have the strength to reach out by posting.



I've linked some of her threads. She was in a relationship with a man. The man completely mislead her. Was basically living a double life. They work together. He was in a serious relationship with someone else. Told her it was over and that he wanted to always be with her. Rented an apt for she and him, told him he would always be with her. Then told her his ex was pregnant. Then told her his ex got an abortion. And then ultimately showed up at her place with his ex. Said that she (our friend) was always only a friend. Made it clear he'd always be with the supposed ex that was still pregnant.


Our friend loved this man. She believed in him. She thought he was the one. She can't believe he isn't the one.


It's been a few weeks since he told her she was only a friend. But today she is having a very difficult time. It all hit her today. Our friend has admirable strength. She's remained strong. Has not contacted him since that day. She's beautiful, admirable, inspirational, compassionate, always here to help another in need. Please - pass on some words of encouragement and advice.









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Here is my message, based on reading the provided links. This particularly caught my attention:

i can't believe all this, i can't believe that there are people like him and i ask myself why me? why should this happen to anyone?

i lost my faith in love and i don't know if i will ever love again, how will i trust anyone again after all this?!


Scared12, I'm terribly sorry you are hurting. I know you feel disillusioned. But there is something I need to gently point out to you. You and this man began seeing each other when you were both involved with others. This is not usually a good foundation for trust. If someone can do that to their current partner, they are capable of doing it to their next.


Also, in your other threads you note that he acted sketchy on a somewhat regular basis...disappearing for days at a time, etc.


My point is that you question your faith in love, but this did not happen out of the blue. There were so many red flags along the way.


What I think you are feeling insecure about is your own judgement, and at this point, I have to say I question it too if you ever get involved with someone again who displays even one of these red flags.


But you're a smart girl and won't...right?


I know my words probably aren't exactly the ones you want to hear right now. But I would rather you do the uncomfortable work at really looking closely at what transpired and realizing there were plenty of warning signs along the way.


Because right now, you seem to be working yourself up into a mindset that people can completely betray you out of the blue.


This wasn't out of the blue.

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I'm a shoulder, I'm a shoulder! It just alarmed me to see such a young girl already be disillusioned about love, and I wanted to point out that in the future, she doesn't have to be scared someone will suddenly betray her, because they almost always give warning signs beforehand. Perhaps I should have worded it differently.


bescared, I hope you can come back to the forum soon.

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Even though she's having a hard time dealing with this and letting go of the love she had for him, she knows he was terrible to and for her.


She knows what she needs to do and she's doing it. But this phase, this sadness, just hit her and overcame her today. She's feeling very lonely, empty, sad, depressed....

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The encouragement in Scout's message is that while there are people like this out there, not everyone is by a long shot. I know what it's like to become disillusioned with feeling in love - when you feel so much and it comes to nothing, or worse is taken advantage of crassly, it's normal to grow to mistrust the feelings of falling in love somewhat. But that's much less depressing than losing faith in people and their ability to love each other generally, which is what your friend should really try not to do.


She'll feel hurt, betrayed, and genuinely distraught but if she's thoughtful about it - and Scout's message helps here - she'll come out knowing more about how to protect herself from more pain like this. In terms of easing the pain, while it hurts like hell now to have her belief in this man shattered, it will eventually help to realize that she's narrowly escaped a longer entanglement with someone who's absolutely no good. Would she really rather be the woman about to try to raise a child with such a person?

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ITG, thank you so much for posing for Scared12! Scared12, I know this has been a long and winding road and that you were having some luck with NC, and now, this!!! I am so sorry! I hate to say chock it up to experience, but in this case, it's good that you know his true colors, the core of his nature which is dark, damp, and dreary, a place where mould grows, cochroaches thrive, and rats run through the sewers. He is ugly, dispicable, and I only hope you have the strength to see this some day. I do not and would not ever try to understand his perspective - he was WRONG on all counts and to ask you to lie to protect his relationship was outrageous, a true coward! Be lucky that you found out, granted the hard way, you didn't have to go digging. I think it's best that you trusted and were deceived than you expecting to be deceived without deceipt. I hope this does not teach you to distrust, but will just help you to appreciate honesty at all costs.

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Scared, I know you loved this man, and probably still do. It will hurt for a while, but please realize that someone who is The One would NOT lie to you in this way, or waffle back and forth between you and his ex. Someone who is The One will treat you with respect, kindness and love--consistently. I've been lied to and hurt before, and I know it hurts, so much. But as a friend told me, when I was crying over this man: "A man who makes you cry isn't worth your tears." That is SO TRUE.


If this man can lie and betray, and go back and forth the way he did, you KNOW he is not the person you want to commit your life to. There would always be the uncertainty, and wondering what's really going on. As another friend of mine said after her ex broke up with her for someone else: "Well, I guess I dodged a bullet with that one." So did you.



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That's a very sad situation; I can quite understand how bad you're feeling scared12. I've written a silly story for you (just when you thought it couldn't get any worse





There was once a girl who worked for a company. She started at the bottom, but quickly got promoted because she was a hard and loyal worker. Her boss could see the ability of this new worker, and felt threatened.


"Here, come and take this new project", he offered to her. She gladly accepted, not realising the poison chalice that she had taken.


She battled with her new job, and hid any disappointed that she had been tricked, but still she remained resilient, and her strength shone through.


She made it work, and got another promotion.


"Here, come and take this new project", her new boss offered to her. She gladly accepted, and once again, a poison chalice was handed to her.


The new job was even worse than the previous one. She struggled heroically against the odds, and pulled it off. Another promotion.


"Here, come and take this yet another new project", her latest boss offered to her. She gladly accepted, but it was an even deadlier poison chalice.


This was the worst job, and even she was finally unable to make it work. Inevitably she was called in by the big boss, to face being fired.


"I see you have failed in this latest project. Why?", he asked

"Because it is not possible to make it work.", was her reply.

"And how do you know?"

"Because I have taken the hardest projects over the years."

"And why is this? How did they manage to fool you?"

"They did not fool me", she replied, smiling. "I knew what I was taking".

"But why?"

"Because now I, alone of all the people here, know my own strength, know how to face difficulty, know how to deal with betrayal. I chose the hardest path, so that no other path would ever be as hard for me."


She became the new big boss, and the company flourished like never before.



I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through, scared12. Rock bottom is not a nice place to be, but the good news is that all paths lead to somewhere better from this point. You will be stronger for it, although you cannot feel it now.


Wishing that time will pass quickly for you, and you reach a better place soon.

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Scout, Locke2121, Awdree H, Rosie 76, Chigal28,Dilly and Karvala thank you,

you make me feel better now.

one hour ago i was broken and i felt so loney, but now thanks to ITG and all of you i realise that i'm not alone and that here are people that care.

i still feel that pain, and i tried to keep it inside and i didn't want to show it to anyone, but today it just felt like i had enaugh and that i can't take it anymore, i had to let go..

i can't really explain how much it hurts, but before him i was much stronger, i never let anyone so close and never gave anyone opportunity to hurt me so much,

but with him my eyes were closed and my heart was wide opened, i really felt different and i really believed him. my mistake i know, but i believed that he is different than the others.

now i know better, i do, and i would like to forget about him, wipe out all this pain, but for some reason i can't and that hurts.

some of yours post make me smile, some ring so true to me,but all of you are helping and i appreciate it.

thank you, i really need all your support right now.

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i can't really explain how much it hurts, but before him i was much stronger, i never let anyone so close and never gave anyone opportunity to hurt me so much,

but with him my eyes were closed and my heart was wide opened, i really felt different and i really believed him. my mistake i know, but i believed that he is different than the others.

now i know better, i do, and i would like to forget about him, wipe out all this pain, but for some reason i can't and that hurts.


Hey scared12-

It's good to hear you're feeling better!!


I did notice how you mention about how you were so much stronger before him...and that it was your "mistake." I definitely felt the same way after my ex broke up with me. I blamed myself for allowing me to ever get in a situation with a guy who I had all these red flags about, and yet I ignored them! After the break up, I felt like I could almost forgive him, but it was much harder to even think about forgiving myself. (The day that he first told me he loved me...long into our relationship, I pretty much found out he cheated on me, and barely confronted him about it).


It wasn't your "mistake," you went in with the best intentions. Just realize that you were at a place in your life that you were willing to let a situation go on like that...and figure out how someone that was and is as strong as you didn't feel so strong during that relationship. For me, I realized that I felt totally trapped and I didn't have the courage at that point to stand up for myself and say that I actually deserve much better than he could ever offer.


Remember that you are just as strong as you always were, and right now your feet feel just a little unsteady. It takes time to get past this stuff, but don't blame yourself for anything that happened. Love yourself and recognize that everything you did had the best intensions.

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Hey there, Scared12. Here's what I'd like to remind you of: You deserve the best, ok? I've never been betrayed in such a way, but I have been hurt, and I can imagine that out of all the other emotions that are swirling within you, this guy also has taken a huge chunk out of your sense of self-worth. We're here to tell you that this guy's actions ARE NOT a reflection on your value as a person. Instead, let it be a reminder of just how much you're worth, just how much you truly deserve. Once you're able to keep that in your mind, you'll be able to see it when it comes along. And it WILL come along.


Big, warm hugs from sunny Florida...



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Sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on, sometimes you need someone to say " you got yourself into this situation, You can get yourself out".

Losing this guy is the best thing that can happen. Just imagine if you were still with him and you got pregnant. We all have made bad decisions about men. You can make better ones in the future. Make sure the next guy you date is single and has been for quite a while. And stay single for a while yourself. Go back to school, learn to be a better speller. A boyfriend is the last thing you need right now.

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Wow - that's a horrible story. I can empathize very well as I was there about 5 years ago.

I met a "great" guy through work, separated, and we hit it off wonderfully. 6 months later, the day before he was to move in with me, he tells me that his estranged wife is pregnant!! Ah!! It was the worst feeling EVER! My entire world just sunk when he told me. He did the stupid hurtfull things tooL brought the pregnant wife to work events, flashed around the baby photos, emailed me the day the baby was born just to tell me....what a * * * * *


Good on her for doing NC so quickly. It took me about 2 months to do that effectively! Keep it up. It will get better. I so, so, so understand that hurt.


Big hugs!!!! Get out there and smiling! Not necessarily dating, but just out with friends. It helps!

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I won't younto read and reread thks, it will make no scance now, but in to future it will the core fact of an unbalivably happy life,


"The pain I was feeling then give true meaning to the love I feel now"


this will not mean any thing now but trust me from some one who's love left for his best freand and did not find out for 8 years, but was set up to be the bad guy, lied to, cheated on and crushed by thows he thught he knew, thows words will have real meaning.


I met some one and our love means more becouse of my past and becouse of the pain, yoj and only know the grate hights if you have been to the loest dathps


We are the climers we are the ones who walk up thows geat hills and in doing so high recher and better lifes.


"The pain I was feeling then give true meaning to the love I feel now"


Then man is not the end his is just the end of the beginning.

The best parts yet to come.

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Hey Scared12


I have sooooo much advice to give, but I'm sure that you have heard most of it just by being on here-it's a great place. When I went through what you are going through, I just wanted to hear from someone that everything would be ok. No one ever really told me that I would be ok...


SCARE12-PLEASE TRUST ME...YOU WILL BE FINE!!! You're body has a weird way of healing itself-it just has to take some time...as of RIGHT NOW, you're heart is healing. You may not feel it, but IT IS!! Get your brain on board with your heart and start healing it too. Tell yourself EVERYDAY that "I'M GOING TO BE FINE!!!" and you'll see-things will get better...and one day, you just realize how far you have come.


I guarantee you, YOU WILL BE FINE...!!!


Keep smiling ok


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  • 2 weeks later...

I AGREE WITH SCOUT!!! THE TRUE FRIENDS AND BEST SHOULDERS SAY, "YEAH, THIS SUCKS! BUT LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED FROM IT!!!!" The best way for her to feel empowered right now is to stop and look at what she can learn. Honesty is so important when people are having a rough time. THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY. I thanked everyone for kicking me in the * * * * * and telling me to WAKE UP!!! It gives you a second wind.


So, here's all the victim statements,

"You poor thing, You are a victim. He hurt you. You are so trampled right now. Poor you"


Here are the healing, responsible, empowering statements, "YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS! You won't do this again because you WILL learn from it and do it different next time! You deserve BETTER!! You are a valuable, lovable human being!!! DON'T ever make the same MISTAKES because you are worth a man who makes you feel like the queen of the world!!!"


Did I make myself clear? My intentions are very good...trust me.

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Im so sorry you're going through this, I hadnt come accross all of this until today. I hope from the bottom of my heart you understand what a beautiful person you are, and that you may not understand how this is beneficial for you in the moment, but that in the long run you will be able to see it was better to find out who he truly was before anything serious happened.


The man is scum but this isnt about him, is about you and how you feel, dont feel love is lost in this world, yes love is not easy, but it sure isnt this hard either. Give yourself time , time to think, time to heal and time to grow, its incredibl how this experiences make us grow and mature even in ways we didnt think were possible.


I can tell you from experience its easier said than done, but think that life gave you a wonderful opportunity to get out of a horrible situation, a situation you , and in fact no one should be in. I know sometimes we think we can get through our problems alone, that we can keep it inside and it will go away, but I would advice you to at least think about getting some type of help to sort through this.


Everyday of your life think of all you have acomplished, think of what a great and deserving person you are, and it maye be dificult but be thankful for being able to get out of it when you did.


If you ever want to have a talk Im here, we both started almost on the same boat with similar situations as well as ITG, and to be honest Im scared now seeing how things are unravelling but I know we are all strong woman and no matter what happenes it will be for the best.


Take care and know Im sincerely here for you even if you want to rant and nothing else.


Hugs from here.

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