Am I really abusiing my wife??

[ender1]

My wife of 1/2 years has a long history of remaining in bad relationships and letting herself be abused. So now at this point anything that happens it seems she considers abuse.

 

We both have anxiety and depression. Not a good thing. I am moody. We have been going through a rough time. I have supported her entirely for 3 years, and she wsa diagnosed with the big C from a mole, which happened a year ago, but all her scans are clear, thankfully.

 

Anyway, I work full time, and I have provided her with a home, cars, and we are pretty well off. However, due to the stress of supporting her prior to her illness and now with her ilness, I often find it very difficult to cope and my emotions just shut down sometimes. I often escape from my worry in online games.

 

But, basically, I findself so emotionally drained that I just can't give her the attention she wants. I do sometimes detach from her emotionally because I just get numb. When I snap out of it, I apologize to her, and I explain to her why I feel this way, from stress, worrying about the bills, handling the expenses, etc.

 

Her response to my behavior is that I am emotionally abusing her, like people from her past, and that saying I'm sorry does not matter because I'll just "do it again".

 

Am I really that bad?

[karvala]

That depends on what you want to do about it. If the answer is "nothing; this is the way I am [and she can suck it up]", then maybe the answer to your last question is yes. On the other hand, if you recognise that this is a problem for the two of you, and you both want to work at it, including possibly seeking treatment for depression and/or some form of therapy, then the answer would be a resounding no.

 

I don't think anyone could blame you for playing online games occasionally, as long as it doesn't become addictive or occupy more time than you spend with your partnet. I don't think anyone could blame you for being moody sometimes. But it really depends how far these things go.

 

If you have difficulty to cope with the situation you find yourself in, I don't think anyone could blame you. It's how you respond to it that matters. At the moment, emotionally retreating appears to be the answer, and while that may work for you, it doesn't work for your relationship. If it were possible to find a better way, you may find your own life gets better, as well as hers.

[Locke2121]

Yeah, in a way. People need emotional as well as physical love, even more than that. I know her illness made it rough, but you need to keep giving her all the love and support you can. Try to just to some little things at first. Drawing a bubblebath for her with a nice candle or two for atmosphere, a single rose bought on the way home from work...just something that will let her know that, while your tired, you still love her.

[Ash]

Firstly, I'm assuming she's your wife of 12 years.

 

It sounds more like a lack of communication than emotional abuse. She may be upset when you shut down that you're completely unreachable on an emotional level. While this may be difficult for her to deal with, I'm not sure as I would go quite so far as terming it abuse. She perhaps feel ignored when you're gaming. Would there be any way to include her in that? I do realize we need escapes but if you're spending a large amount of time in that activity she may feel neglected.

 

Any way you can talk to her more, perhaps share some of those reponsibilities? I assume she used to work but no longer does (you talk about supporting her entirely for 3 years). If that's the case perhaps you could shuffle things around at home somewhat.

[rocio]

The house and the cars are irrelevant to your question. You haven't given enough specific information for us to know whether you've behaved in an abusive manner or not. However, you seem to blame her for your behavior. That is manipulative and unkind and consistent with the personality of an abusive person.

[Ash]

The house and the cars are irrelevant to your question. You haven't given enough specific information for us to know whether you've behaved in an abusive manner or not. However, you seem to blame her for your behavior. That is manipulative and unkind and consistent with the personality of an abusive person.

 

That's a good point. You can't trade off love and emotional needs for material objects like that. On rereading, you do seem to see her more as a burden than a partner. That's not a healthy viewpoint.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like you are envisioning 'support' as financial support, and she is envisioning 'support' as emotional connection and closeness... so you are both 'missing' each other in terms of what you seem to be valueing in the exchange of support.

 

if you are withdrawing to protect your emotions, then that could not exactly be considered abusive, but if she sees your withdrawal as punishment or manipulation to control her, then she views it as abusive. also, if women have been abused in the past, and not received proper therapy for it, they may view any behavior they don't like as being abusive, when it is more a question of degree as to what is abusive.

 

so this is a clear case where you both need to attend marriage counseling together, because you are miscommunicating, and keeping your own needs from the other person.

 

since you appear to have money for this, please take this seriously and work on your marriage, which could most likely be saved, and the counseling will do both of you good and make you happier.

[DN]

Let me ask you this: do you feel that by you being the sole provider that she is taking advantage of you in some way and that you resent her because of that since you bear the sole bread-winning responsibility?

 

Do you feel it exhausting having to also provide for all her emotional needs and that there is little or no reciprocation when you need someone to talk to about your own issues?

 

In other words. - do you feel that this relationship is out of balance and that you are expected to be strong and supportive in every way while having no one to understand what you are going through?

[shes2smart]

You mentioned that you both have anxiety and depression, but you never mentioned if either or both of you are being treated for that.

 

"Treatment" would mean therapy or a combination of meds and therapy. If you're just on meds, I'd see that as a band-aid on a surgical incision--it's not enough.

 

I think maybe some couples therapy would help you understand each other a little more. "Support" would appear to mean different things to you and her. A combination of learning what each of you need to feel loved, then some changes of behavior on both of your parts to follow through may go a long way toward fixing your problem.

 

You may both have to deal with some issues that make you uncomfortable in therapy and you may have to learn how to deal with each other in different ways. This can be difficult, but it's also the key for having a healthy, happy, lasting relationship.

 

The thing is, BOTH of you have to put in the effort to make it work.

[cranbers]

You know speaking from my position which is someone who is told by his wife on a regular basis that I am a fat, stupid piece of crap pretty much. I am told I am the abuser on a regular basis, simply by talking to my sister about our problems. I don't sit there for hours throwing every single insult possible like she does but im the abuser. so yeah, if your giving it your all and she isn't even working then sir I would say its the opposite.

 

You like me are the one being abused and women somehow sense this ability to control the man, like in our situations. So, if she claims your abuser her, then tell her to explain how that is abuse? Then tell her what you do and tell her why you aer stressing. I would also strongly recommend you talk to a doctor about depression etc. I have had depression in the past as well and my mom and all my aunts and uncles have severe mental problems.

 

My wife has those issues as well and you would think I would ahve figured that out but I just deal with it, she is so good at getting her way and making me feel like she is right, even though in my heart and mind I know I am right.

 

So follow those instincts. If you are rational, and logical. Then you are usually in the right, what she is saying does not sound logical or rational. thereforeeee she is wrong. That is how I think of it anyway.

 

I have recently separated from my wife after 4 years of this, I finally just had enough and I will tell you its been wonderful the last 5 days. I am now staying with my in laws and hoping she will come around and figure out just how much of a non abuser I am, and that is by staying away from her for awhile. I don't miss the abuse even though she is still trying to guilt trip me etc. Even now being away she is throwing bombs at me so that shows just how much of an abuser she is. Using guilt trips to bring someone back? Not in my book.

 

So don't let her try to convince you your abusing her simply because you are stressed out. Tell her to help out and be nice, have sex or something, or just let you unwind by playing video games, I love em too and she hates those with a passion!

 

I hope that helps.

[cranbers]

The house and the cars are irrelevant to your question. You haven't given enough specific information for us to know whether you've behaved in an abusive manner or not. However, you seem to blame her for your behavior. That is manipulative and unkind and consistent with the personality of an abusive person.

 

I don't agree with your statement. People can be extremely nice with one person and love life. Be with another person can make them irritable, mean and violent. So in that respect the person is causing you to behave a certain way. Just like a dog scratching a flea, do you blame the flea for the dog scratching? Is it the flea's fault? I think it is. Get rid of the flea, or tell it to stop biting. That is how I look at it.

 

In my situation my wife starts every last fight. She yells at me for something her ocd is affecting her judgement on, I defend myself which leads to more yelling and it escalates.

 

I hate conflict and I avoid it at all costs. But if I am already being yelled at and it makes me mad I defend myself. So either I just let her yell at me which pisses her off more. Or I participate and stand up for myself. Guess that is all there is to it.

[Ash]

Tell her to help out and be nice, have sex or something, or just let you unwind by playing video games, I love em too and she hates those with a passion!

 

Wow, sounds like some big issues here. I'm not sure if your situation is the same or not, but perhaps posting a new thread would be a good idea. The fact you sound like you enjoy playing games because she hates them does come accross as sounding a bit off, but that's just my opinion.

 

It's hard to know all the facts in either your case or the initial posters. Perhaps both of you can fill us in on more of the details as to why you're both considered abusive by your spouses? That's not a normal thing. Granted, there could be big issues on your SO's side of things, but perhaps their criticisms could shed some light on this and perhaps ways to deal with it could be suggested.

[rocio]

Cranbers, people are not fleas. Things are rarely one-sided. A person's mate may be toxic, but that person is still accountable for their reactions.

[Bethany]

In my opinion, it's a lack of understanding of how the other one works is more likely to be problem here.

 

If you were holding back you support and love to cause hurt on purpose then that would be a different matter but from what you have said I don't see that you have.

 

You have a right to spend some time alone to recharge your batteries but she also needs to understand why you need to so she won't feel abandoned when you do. And I know it's a cliche, but it really does sound like a Mars/Venus thing going on here and I recommend that you and your partner read it and hopefully yo will get some tips into understanding each others needs.

[Robert Smith]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Is this really abuse? My wife and I follow the exact same pattern, we have been doing it for over 19 years. I told her yesterday that we need to fix this "conflict reolution" problem or we will hurt the ones we love the most, the kids. That being said, it puts me on the edge of moving out everytime. Hang in there, it's tough.

[ajax]

As someone who did what you are doing (escaping to online video games) for over 7 years, let me tell you from experience -- it will hurt your relationship more than it will help "you" unwind.

 

If I could go back and never have started, I would. My suggestion -- take that time you would play online and come up with something mutually fun that you can both do together and connect with.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[ghost69]

yeah. get a 2 player game. lol

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[SummerGirl38]

I have dealt with depression and anxiety for the last ten years. I got help and learned so much about it. By going off by yourself and staring at a computer screen for a few hours is withdrawling from a situation that you don't know how to handle, this is completely normal.

 

Does that make you abusive? No

 

You are going through a lot right now, a sick wife, being the soul provider. Possibly thinking that things will always be this way. How am I going to handle all the bills?, What if she gets worse?.

 

You are using that computer as an outlet for all the stress. I spent hours online playing cards, because I didn't know how to handle the situation I was in.

 

I developed anxiety after a car wreck. It drove me to the point where I couldn't drive anymore. I had to quit my job, I was totally dependent on my husband. I had no escape. I couldn't go see friends or family because I couldn't drive there. I had to ask my husband for money. It was the first time in my life that I couldn't take care of myself. It was such a 360 for me a woman who had a full time job for 15 years before that wreck. So like you, I chose to occupy my mind with a game because I couldn't deal with it.

 

When we don't know how to handle a situation, people with anxiety tend to focus our problems onto something else and you are BOTH doing it.

 

She, I'm sure is scared, never had cancer before and probably needs a couple extra spoonfulls of love right now. Maybe in an odd way she feels like she is failing you and your marriage by being totally dependent on you.

 

Well she don't know to handle all that so she throws the blame elsewhere, onto you, and now it's your fault because you are "supposedly abusive".

 

You, like many other men think that if you give a woman a nice house, a fancy car, a Visa with a nice cushy credit limit that it's a way to show her how much you love her and that is admirable.

 

But take it from a woman who has been in that situation, I would have gave it all up if my "Ex Husband" would have just tried to understand what I was dealing with instead of telling me how I wouldn't be sh*t without him. I wanted his love, not his Platinum Visa.

 

What you both need is to address your anxiety and depression. If you want some pointers, I would be glad to share. I have since recovered and I am living a normal life again. I'm divorced, but that's only because I didn't have any guidance on the subject before all my love turned into hate.

 

First step, get off this stupid computer and go give your wife a nice warm hug.

[Rabican]

Its not abuse.... but its not a nice way to treat a woman that you love either.

 

Quit being so moody man, whats wrong with you do you have PMS! Women are supposed to get moody, men are supposed to drink a few beers and go fishing. Sheesh!