boyfriend is shut down about sex... i think it's my fault

[sadtoughgirl]

So we've been together for about a year and the sex has always been really great. He has some intimacy issues and he's been working through them and I think we really love each other.

 

A couple of month ago we went through a rough spot. We did some talking and things have been better. For the past month we've been getting along great, spending more time together, and he's seemed comfortable and emotionally open when we're just hanging out. BUT he's been pretty shut down about sex. We're still having it, but not as often, and more often it's one-way - he doesn't want me to touch him that much, or doesn't want to take off his briefs, that kind of thing.

 

We are finally talking abou it a little, and he says it's not about me - he's going through something and it's making him feel shut down about sex. But I can't help but think that now that things are comfortable he's just not attracted to me anymore, or in some other way it's my fault. I fear that he doesn't think I'm hot anymore but is afraid to end the relationship because ending relationships is hard. He says that's not true, but I can't make myself believe him. Any advice?

 

Thanks.

[chigal28]

It's great that you guys were able to communicate openly and work through your issues. That can be tough to do.

 

But right now, it must be frustrating for you to be left wondering what he's going through that makes him feel shut down about sex--especially as it seems from your post he's been pretty vague. Can he be more specific with you as to what he's going through? Did the issues that you went through perhaps trigger something from his past that is bothering him?

 

A sudden drop in intimacy can be a red flag, but not necessarily the end of a relationship. It can happen for many reasons, but to work through it together, you'll need to know where he's coming from.

[sadtoughgirl]

Well, he's transgender (F to M) and he's been on hormones for a couple of years. So he does havea lot of issues about sex and his body, and feeling masculine during sex when his body doesn't look like a non-trans man. I'm the first person he's been so open with sexually maybe even, definitely since he transitioned, and sometimes he does have times where he just feels too naked and vulnerable. So lately our sex has been more like it was at the very beginning of our relationship, where he is very sweet and intimate but fairly protective of how much I can see and touch his body.

We have a date to talk about it more on Saturday, but that feels like a long way away for feeling so unsure.

[chigal28]

When I'm waiting to talk about an issue that is really bothering me and is really important to me, one day--much less three--can feel like an eternity. So I completely understand where you're coming from on that.

 

I'm not going to pretend to know the physical or emotional issues that someone faces when they go from female to male, because neither I nor anyone I know has gone through that transition. But I will say that my boyfriend does have physical intimacy issues that keep cropping up, which prevents us at times from being physical with one another, and I know that how I respond at those times has a LOT to do with how comfortable and close to me he feels. We've really made some breakthroughs recently as far as figuring out WHY he has those issues and where they stem from, and it's made me understand him a lot better, which enables me to be more patient.

 

You say that things in the physical arena have kind of gone back to the way they were at the beginning...in some ways, maybe his opening up to you the way he has, and making himself VERY vulnerable, has almost made him feel "naked," in a way, and new...because your relationship is moving up emotional levels, and he's still working to become emotionally comfortable at those levels, he's also still working to feel physically comfortable at those levels. Sometimes when I get scared, if something is becoming more intense than I might be comfortable with, I back off emotionally or physically--take a few "deep breaths," until I feel equipped to deal with it. Does that sound like something he could be doing?

 

Are you his first relationship after his transition from female to male?

[sadtoughgirl]

Definitely sounds possible, and this is helpful. Not his first relationship, but his most serious by far since his transition. I will just try to be patient and remember that not everything is always my fault. Thanks again..

[chigal28]

My pleasure! I wish you the best of luck.

[babybear]

i dont understand how you have sex with a female thats now a male.. do they have an actual penis? im not being weird here btw.

[jengh]

i dont understand how you have sex with a female thats now a male.. do they have an actual penis? im not being weird here btw.

 

I'm curious as well. I don't know much at all about transgender. If someone would share what they know, I'd appreciate it. I am interested.

[GQstatus]

Same way any bio male has sex with a woman. I have a good friend (girl) who is in a relationship with a female-to-male. My friend considers herself "straight" as does her bf. She told me he has a prosthetic(sp) penis. He glues it on to the pelvic region, and they have sex like normal hetro couples.

[GQstatus]

The "typical" meaning for the term transgender, is someone who is born into one body, but identifies with the opposite.

 

Meaning if you are female-to-male, you are born inside a female body, but you feel/think as a male. Can be kind of confusing, but makes sense. Then again what is our body, other than a shell? How we feel, and see ourselves, comes from our brain.