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I'm so confused and depressed... Crying..


SweetJade
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I'm really at a point of self discovery and I'm trying to be strong.It's so hard,all the friends I had were fake. They weren't my true friends and I thought about it.They always made jokes at my expense and they always put me down. I just can't take it anymore so I'm just going to cut them out of my life. Bad thing is I hardly have any friends. I guess I'm too lame and ugly to have good people in my life. I don't understand it, it seems like everyone have these great lives, with lots of friends and people to be there for them. I just always seem to get the short end of the stick. I look at people's myspace and facebook profiles and everyone have all of these great people who write on their wall and their life seems fulfilled. They have genuine people in their lives. I always get stuck with bad people.

 

I did something stupid and I checked up on my ex's profile. He treated me so horribly, I lost it for a week and I kept calling him just to annoy him and he called the police on me. They gave me a warning to never contact him and so I did. But I was curious to check up on him and I looked at his myspace page. He's moved on and his singing career is going good. He has a record deal here in Atlanta georgia and he has an album coming out in April. He's worked with alot of famous producers and he's in the music industry. I know this doesn't guarantee he'll be famous but I have this since of bitterness and jealousy. I feel like since he treated me like crap and cheated on me with prostitutes and various people, I feel like he doesn't deserve it all. While a good person like me sits here depressed and alone, I don't get it? His life shouldn't concern me but I still have this bitterness inside, it's really hard to just ignore it and walk away.I really should just forgive and move on but it kills me. How could someone so cold and viscious be blessed with a good life?

 

Another blow to me was to find out last night that another ex of mines is getting married. He proposed to his girlfriend. What saddens me was that he is a really good guy. I was the cause of the breakup because I couldn't do the long distance relationship thing. He was so sweet compared to my recent ex. I'm happy for him but I keep saying what if? What if I never broke it off 2 years ago? What if we were still together, would he be proposing to me now? I would definitely be happier I suppose.Every decision I make is always a bad move and it gets me places that I don't need to be. I know it's the past but I feel a little weird I don't know...I don't have feelings for this ex anymore but I feel like my life could have been in a better spot.

 

People keep telling me to focus on me and my life but I really have nothing to look forward to and that scares me. I'm trying to find out my purpose in life and at the same time I'm trying hard to be strong.I'm already 21 so I'm going to look into some colleges to get in. That would be a good start I suppose.I'm not in school right now and I work at a stupid fast food restaurant that I hate going everyday.Today was really horrible, my mind kept spinning with all of these questions, like what am I going to do?I'm so worried to the point that I have butterflies in my stomach. All I did today was lay up in bed and soak in self pity.I don't even feel like doing anything, I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to make friends anymore,what's the point they always backstab me anyway.

 

I guess this is god's way of trying to make me stronger. I will fight this depression and I will make something out of myself. I don't know what it will be or how I will get there but I have to have faith in god because that's all I have now.I've been abused in the past both physically and mentally and I'm just so tired of people using me as their punching bag. I want to fight back.. The question is where to start?

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Just stay positive. It's easy to say hard to do....my wife of 8 years told me out of the blue she's no longer in love with me....I'm 34 thinking the worst...you know what you're only 21 and you have your whole life ahead of you....you may not see this now...you will..

 

I encourage you to start school ASAP....it will give you some meaning to your life....you're stuck in a rut now working min wage and no future ahead...trust me life get's better....but it will throw a wrench your way every now and then....keep your head up and love yourself first....I've been on this forum for a few weeks and feel so much more posistive as each day goes by.....just use that saying...'yep he doesn't love me' his loss not yours...you will find everything in time.

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I know how you feel, there were times where it felt like I lost all motivation, had no real friends, lost my goals, didn't feel worthy and was just sort of existing. What I learned, was when you are in the place, it's best to take it one moment at a time. It's best to grieve all you've lost, properly and then let it go, and start fresh. I noticed that it was like a domino effect, as far as things getting better...pick one thing to start focusing on positively, and then the next will come, and the next and so on, and soon enough you will have built a solid positive foundation. I think school can be a great idea, you don't even necesarily need to know what you want to go into for college, you can just take various classes and see what you like...also it's a great place to meet new people, make friends, etc... If you ever need to talk you can IM me Also you are right about making you stronger, it may be cliche...but it's so true. Good luck.

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One of my favorite quotes:

 

The obstacles and mistakes we make in life (our past) is not what makes us who we are. The way we overcome the hurdles and react to them is what does reflect our true strength, personality, and character.

 

SweetJade - I've been there. All you can do is keep trying. Don't let self pity catch you. Don't let loneliness or regret or sadness overcome your future.

 

You say "I'm already 21..." As if you are old! You are ONLY 21. You have your whole life ahead of you. A life that can be happy if you start making healthy, productive decisions.

 

Do you need help with the schooling process?

 

I think you need to make a plan.

Number one priority:

1) Build your self confidence. Do anything you have to to do that (go to school, move, your options are unlimited.)

 

Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself you are beautiful. It helps, it really does.

 

I've been reading different articles and paying attention to friends....

If you want happiness, you can find happiness. You can be in the worst situation of your life and keep a smile on your face. Search your soul, your heart, your mind and determine what you need to change or what you need to do to get out of this rut.

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Sorry to reply so late. Right now I'm thinking too much about everyone else and not me. I have to make things happen for me. I just want to forget about my ex but it's hard. I just can't understand how people can be so mean and cruel and treat you like crap like he did. I keep thinking about all of the things he said to me and it just hurts so much. I had put my all into him and yet he just stepped all over me like a mat on a doorstep. It's been 2 months since the breakup and somedays it's easy and somedays it's not! I had put too much trust in him. He made me think he was the only person there for me, I gave him my heart and I just feel so lost and alone right now.

 

I'm going to try to focus on me but it's really hard!

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I have a Daybook. I'm trying to rehash my stupid ife back together.

 

In class today, I looked down and saw I'd written:

 

"How other people are or behave doesn't logically impact on my self worth at all".

 

Very cliched? Possibly. But think about it.....whatever goes on around you, doesn't change YOU. And awareness of this fact can only change you for the better.

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I am going through a very similar experience right now, too. I am also 21. I have never really had any "real" friends either. Not to say that I don't have friends, but I have always felt like I have had to portray a certain appearance around them in order to be accepted. I can never really be myself, so they only "know" me on a really shallow, superficial level. And as for your ex, it is perfectly natural to be jealous of him and his success... what you are really jealous of is his ability to move on from you so easily. That is perfectly natural. I felt the same way, too. I still feel that way. And as for that other guy, well, we all think about things like that from time to time... we always play out alternate scenarios in our minds. In my case, I think about what my life would be like now if I had never met my ex. Of course, things didn't turn out that way....

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There's no need to 'fight back', rather 'fight forward' and in fact, leave out the fighting thing too.

 

You're looking in the rear view mirror, so have a go at looking through the front windshield.

 

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

 

The relaxed and 'comfortable in your own skin' you, will attract a brand new set of friends. Ones who are more aligned with your positive, forward looking demeanor.

 

Watch this movie a few times to lift your spirit: link removed

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