don't know if we should be friends still...

[gradle]

ok...so i dated this guy C for about 4 months in the summer/fall. we broke up but we managed to stay good friends. while we were together his ex came into town and tried to break us up, it didn't work. i knew the relationship with us wouldn't work from the beginning but he was so persistent that i gave him a shot and i did end up liking him a lot, although i know he's not the right guy for me. he has a poor past with relationships that includes cheating (not on me).

 

since then we've become really good friends and he knows that i've been dating other people. also, since we broke up he and his ex have gotten back together. but,since they've been together we have slept together a couple of times--i know it's terrible but he never really said they're together.

 

she came into town this weekend and he told me he couldn't talk to me until sunday (when she left). but on fri night i got a million message from him saying how much he cared about me. i can't stand her b/c of the fact that she tried to break the two of us up.

 

and then he wanted to come over on sunday. i told him that it was fine, and he then started saying he was feeling too vulnerable. i just backed away. i tell him i'm too busy and i have avoided returning the 25 or so calls/emails/messages he's sent. then he tricked me by calling from an office phone and we spoke. i told him i couldn't be his friend anymore until he started treating me the way he would treat me if his g/f lived here.

since he's sent me all these emails about why we should still be friends. i'm sad. i do love him as a friend but i know i'm still attracted to him, and when he and i are hangign out a bulk of what we talk about is our relationship and that he's still attracted to me. but im just worried it's going to hold me back from dating other people.

 

in fact, i had a male guest over a few weeks ago, C just decides to stoip by b/c i wasn't picking up his calls when he called. he got upset. he called later in the night saying that if that guy were over, he was goign to come over and make him leave, that he would get me over the new guy.

 

but i know i'm going to miss him as he did become one of my closest friends. do i try to be friends still and just limit the amount of time we spend together? do i just go cold turkey? he sent me a list of all the great things he's done as a friend for me and tells me how much he's goingto miss hanging out adn talking with me. and it's all true, he's been here for me even just as a friend more than anyone else. but what would happen if his g/f were to move here? what if i do have a b/f?

[jengh]

I don't know... this guy sounds really selfish to me. Like it's okay for him to have a life, have another girlfriend, but as soon as you find someone to hang out with, he freaks out. That's not what a true friend would do. A true friend would embrace the guys you date. Perhaps be protective, not wanting you to get hurt, but certainly wouldn't try and get you over the new guy.

[Kalika]

I agree with Jen.. He sounds incredibly immature, like a little kid who only wants a toy because someone else is playing with it.

[Hope75]

Hey Gradle,

 

My gut instinct is to stay as far away from C as possible. It's not going to do any good for your self esteem to be sleeping with a guy who's taken. Even if you don't like his gf- that isn't a good reason to stoop down and sleep with a guy who obviously doesn't care enough about either of you to commit.

 

You are better than this- and he is interfering with your ability to date and move onto a healthy relationship.

 

Cut him loose and tell him to get lost. You don't need this kind of drama.

[friscodj]

Hey G-

 

You are absolutely 100% kidding yourself if you think for a second you guys are "just" friends. There are waaaaaaay too many residual emotions manifested in unhealthy actions going around on both sides for a true friendship to be possible right now. Maybe later on, but not now...

 

Everything I've read in your post tells me you need to make firm and real distance from him until this circus you have going on here finishes the show, packs up, and leaves town.

 

You guys are headed for a falling out sooner than later I can see it coming a mile away...

 

Make the distance, it's OK. People shun and stigmatize "making distance" as generally negative, often describing it as, "throwing away what we had", "being cold hearted", as a consolation for "missing them", etc., etc., etc. There is no need to rush into a "friendship" (notice quotes) too soon and if you do, it will be harder to have one later on as you remember this attempt at friendship and the associated weirdness.

 

So some might stigmatize it but I see it as very clearly necessary here. But perhaps this is a situation you need to experience for yourself to convince yourself of this...