Question

[Guest97]

I was in abusive relationship many years ago (a guy raped me in order to make his gf, I refused and ran away). I thought it was over then. Well, 2 years ago I met a man I fell in love with. Everything was great, but he told me the same thing that other man said - I was his gf. Can it be that the same words brought up a strange reaction in me? I started moving away from him, tried dating other guys. He could not forgive. I did not realize why I was doing it. But later I read a lot about violence and its consequences and wanted to talk to my bf to explain. He was so jelous and rude to me, did not want to listen at all. I did not realize why I was doing things I was doing - pushing him away because I felt so dirty and not worthy of his love. Do you think men can understand such things? Do you think it makes sense to even try to talk to him about it? Do you think he can forgive? I hate myself for hurting his feelings.

[Agathon]

To truly understand, I think a person has to experience it.

To better understand, they need to know someone whose been through it.

To TRY and understand, they need an open mind and patience.

 

In this case, it may be simply that you both realized what was wrong too late, and nothing can be done.

 

To answer you question simply though, I believe its possible for him to forgive you, especially if he can understand. Sadly enough most people don't want to.

 

I knew a friend who was briefly touched, but moreso, I read the book "Lucky" by Alice Sebold. For a guy, I think thats a great plan. Helped me understand more.

 

Hope this wasn't rude in any way and hope it helps.

[Dako]

Men can understand, but maybe that one man can't.

 

He may be ignorant of the after effects of abuse, and unable to make sense of your behavior. Maybe you can explain it to yourself, and then to him. I hope he can listen.

[itsallgrand]

Sure, some can and are willing to understand, and some are even willing to forgive hurt feelings.

It's impossible to know if he can or not unless you try speaking with him.

 

My experience? After hurting someone very important to you and wanting to make amends - no matter if you were not aware of the time of why you were doing the things you did, or even that it might hurt him - the focus needs to be on the one you love.

Refrain from lengthy explanations, and start with a sincere 'I am sorry. .

Then do your best to show with actions your new understanding and change.

 

And see how he receives it.

 

If that is what you really want to do, that is my hard earned experience at the best shot of making amends.

 

good luck and take care.

[Guest97]

Thanks everyone for the advice. It is really helpful. I hope he can forgive. I am not trying to get him back or anything like that. I am just really sorry for what I did. Reading this forum and understanding of my own issues will definitely help me in the future either with him or with any other relationship. I will make a conscious effort not to screw things up and not to hurt anyone.