Is No Contact Wrong for my Situation? Shes leaving the country!

[Cyprian]

Its a long story, but to make it short: she studied abroad in Europe, cheated on me, concealed it from me, came back to the states and never told me until I found out. She said she loves me but is not "in love" with me and cannot deal with losing me as her best friend. She wants me as her best friend. I cried on the phone to her (she is living accross the country to finish up college) and begged, etc, but at that time I didn't know she loved this guy. When I realized she loved him, and I realized that she is MOVING TO EUROPE to be with him, I broke off contact with her (after yelling and both crying on the phone) and now she hasn't called me.

 

Should I continue No Contact with her in hopes that I might be able to win her back and if not I will gain some self respect? Or should I break no contacts (since she is leaving the country soon) so I can tell her I can set her free, forgive her of her mistakes, and be the friend that she really wants. We would both be so happy if we could just talk again...but I love her enough to hope that she will come back around to me.

 

I have read so many posts here but none of them deal with establishing no contacts with someone who is LEAVING THE COUNTRY and might never return...what do I do?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Depends if you're a better person than I am:

 

• She cheated on you
  
• She's moving to Europe to be with the guy she cheated on you with
  
• She wants you as her best friend (basically, she doesn't want to have to feel responsible/guilty)
  
• She hasn't called you since you got angry
  

 

Personally, I feel that a call to say you love her and forgive her etc, would allow her to skip off to Europe to be with the love of her life, thinking that she's such a fantastic human being her poor ex boyfriend thinks she's just the bee's knees, really marvellous etc.

 

I just couldn't let someone off the hook like that when they had behaved so badly. She's not going to come back to you, and I don't see why she should feel that her behaviour is okay. I would maintain a chilly silence, to be honest - because when I looked back that would make me feel I was the most dignified, and the least like I was bending over to be kicked in the backside by her dainty size 5s.

 

I'm sorry you feel bad, but I really don't think you should get in touch with this girl. But maybe I'm not a very nice person...

 

Good luck - hope you feel better soon

[Cyprian]

I know what you say is true. The only problem is that we are connected so deeply that she already knows how I feel. She knows I love her and miss her and she is hurt that she did this to me. She feels that my whole family (and even her family) thinks she is a liar and a cheater and thats going to help her think that running away to Europe is her only choice!

 

I realize what you are saying, but for me the chance of continuing any type of relationship with her seems like heaven compared to the hell of never seeing her again.

 

But then again, if I do establish no contacts, and she breaks up with this guy and moves back the the U.S., maybe I will have a chance!

 

My brain is running in circles and I feel horrible...what if she is reading this and knows who i am?

[Honey Pumpkin]

She feels that my whole family (and even her family) thinks she is a liar and a cheater and thats going to help her think that running away to Europe is her only choice!

 

Well, she IS a liar and cheater. I mean, that's just what she did - she might feel really bad about it, but she still did it. I personally feel she wants your 'forgiveness' to get her off the hook for her own emotions, to comfort herself that she's really not that bad.

 

But then again, if I do establish no contacts, and she breaks up with this guy and moves back the the U.S., maybe I will have a chance!

 

Give yourself a chance to heal. Maybe write her a long long letter telling her exactly how you feel - BUT DON'T SEND IT!!! It would be therapeutic for you.

 

I just feel that you saying you love and forgive her just before she shoots off to Europe to be with the man she cheated on you with, that's not going to make you feel good a few weeks down the road. I think you may feel used, hurt and no further forward.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly - can you talk to friends/family about how you're feeling?

[flower99]

I agree with Honey Pumpkin.

Here's the thing.

She can't bear to lose her best friend. THAN DON'T CHEAT & LIE. If she truly wanted to keep her best friend, she would have acted like it & did things proper by being honest.

 

Her wanting to keep you as a friend now, is only to ease her conscience. To make her feel better. It has VERY little to do with you. She hasn't even called since you justifiably got angry at her...she doesn't treat you like a friend.

You can forgive her without being friends with her. Maintain that self respect. Plus another reason not is...You want her back, so by seeing her & being friends with her you are feeding the false hope. You need to heal & move on. Do what's best for you..not her. Take care of yourself & your feeling now. Continue No contact.

[cantexplain]

that is good thinking on your part that she is embarrased msy be feeling a blow to the consistency of her own self-image and social reputation and wants to hide from this. this is very observant of you.

 

she has to deal with all the effects of betrayal on her own.

 

in your case (mine, too) it is important to "keep our eyes on the donut, not the hole" This means don't dwell on the problem (especially hers I know it is hard you care and you want her back), but focus on the solutions to your pain.

 

No Contact is your solution, I feel. And it is VERY HARD. I don't want you to think about winning back her love ... but if that's what you need to feel right now then No Contact is not only the way to do this, but also the way to kick her cheating ways in the pants so that maybe she never ever does it again. If you care for her like you say you do and I believe you do, you will want whats right for her.

 

Stringing you out like this is not what is right for her. Oh good grief, it is not right for you. I am sure you know.

 

let her go.

 

force-feeding myself other activities has always helped me in situations like this

 

what kinds of things do you like to do or wish you could?

[Cyprian]

I don't want to do any activities. I never really worked out before, so ive been trying to start lifting. I used to love movies and music but now I don't get anything out of them. Everything that I can do I did with her, everything reminds me of her.

 

I feel like the only way to get this behind me is to pick up and go. Start a new life. I feel like I should really get out of school and join some sort of peacecorps or the army or something. I hate the army, I hate this war, but I feel if I was forced into a daily regimen I would be distracted. Ive tried to distract myself but its not working.

 

I have so much work to do in school, but I don't even care about it...I feel like I should drop out now before I get a horrible GPA and ruin my chances in the future...my family would kill me if I dropped out...

 

Actually, when she was away in Europe for 6 months, the only thing that helped me through my studies was knowing that I would be with her again soon...thats all I looked forward to and I plowed away with my studies because of it...

 

* * * should I do?

[flower99]

It seems like you've built a dependency on her. You're entire life revolved around her. She had far too much control in areas of your life that shouldn't be about her...You've got to start doing things for you. Decied that you're future is worth it.

 

Study for you! You want a good future & to achieve your goals..work towards that! You have the strength within you, i know you do & you know you do.(so does your family, or they would encourage you droping out) Believe in yourself & do whats good for you & your future. Success is the greatest revenge. ( I know you aren't out to seek revenge..but it's a great achievement) It gets your mind on what is important right now & that's you, your health & your future.

[cantexplain]

Yeah he is deeply connected to the idea of her in his life. And he truly loves her very deeply, I believe.

 

Don't join up if you don't support the war. That sounds like a crazy wish to me.

 

Sounds like you'd like the PeaceCorps.

 

How about a list of all the things you want to see, do, and accomplish in life regardless of who your love partner is? That may be a good guide for designing a new life, and a regimen to accomplish these things.

 

Daily regimen is good - make one for yourself. They say if you do something for 21 days it becomes a habit. So add one new daily thing you think will improve your life every week or so, building a new regimen around your new life.

 

Free weights or machines? Toning or adding mass?

 

Is this at a gym with other people around or at home where you are being reminded of her?

 

Do you think you'd benefit by joining a yoga class? These are very popular these days and help people in all sorts of ways - physical and emotional.

[Cyprian]

I had a list of things to do and see. I just accomplished all this with her this summer. We travelled the world, saw all the major places we wanted to see...

 

My old buddies from High School (when I left for college we slightly drifted apart, although I can still call them up for a beer, etc.) teach yoga and martial arts, I am just not interested - never was before at least, maybe I should force myself to go now.

 

The gym I have is at my home...

 

She had far too much control in areas of your life that shouldn't be about her

 

It's not that she had any control in areas of my life, we just enjoyed the exact same things, we did them together, and loved them...The only things she didn't enjoy were cards and sports, and I hung with my buddies for those.

[Locke2121]

I posted my opinion in the other thread.

[Cyprian]

I guess no matter how hard it is, No Contact is the way to go...

 

Our anniversary is coming up soon, should I not even send an email? 8 years...

[flower99]

 

 

It's not that she had any control in areas of my life, we just enjoyed the exact same things, we did them together, and loved them...The only things she didn't enjoy were cards and sports, and I hung with my buddies for those.

 

Sorry, I don't think I worded that right.....I basically meant her control over your mind in the area of school. How it effects your studies, how you focused on her to get your schooling done. Now without her, it seems meaningless & you are unable to focus. Schooling is about you. Furthering your life, expanding your mind, opening doors into your future.

 

Anniversary: the way I see it is it's not your 8 year anniversary..so why send an email? what would you even say?

 

Personally when it comes your anniversery..I would NOT send anything or aknowledge it. Because it is no longer relevent to either of you. It's the past. You can't let go when you keep finding reasons to hold on. You will be in her thoughts & her in yours. That's enough....Anymore & you would be taking steps backwards. It's time to move forward & trust that everything happeneds for a reason, and good will comes of it.

I wish you happiness. You are a kind caring man, you deserve to be valued & cherished.

[Locke2121]

No, no email, letter...nothing. Let the pain start to work its way out of you and start getting on with your life.

[Cyprian]

Ok. No contact from here on out.

[Locke2121]

Thata boy! Set up a night or two every month to go out with your friends. Hit a bar or two, go to the movies or scarf down a few brews and pizzas! It doesn't matter what you do, just try to have a good time on your own, you'll be surprised how much it can help you refocus your life.

[Cyprian]

What about her parents or family? They love me, they are like my family.

[Locke2121]

Tell them you need some space. The first thing they are going to want to talk about is her. Tell them you just can't take that right now, but you'll be back when you feel that your strong enough.

[cantexplain]

Tell them you need some space. The first thing they are going to want to talk about is her. Tell them you just can't take that right now, but you'll be back when you feel that your strong enough.

 

perfect. yes you need to separate from them, too.

[Cyprian]

I'm strong enough now, its just that I don't really want to forget HER. I don't know why I am different from you guys, I don't feel a huge amount of anger towards her - I think SHE and her family, and my family, and All of You online put yourself in my shoes (or remember how your own shoes felt) and feel anger at HER for what she did. I simply feel love, confusion yes, anger yes, but mostly love and hope...

 

I feel maybe she thinks I am not calling her because I am angry at her...and shes not calling me because she doesn't want to hurt me any more...

Obviously she wants space from me still, and is talking to her new boyfriend all the time probably...obviously she is doing better than I am...

 

I fear that she will learn to not care about me soon, and forget me completely...

[cantexplain]

I don't know why I am different from you guys

we are objective and recognize the stage you are in.

 

 

I don't feel a huge amount of anger towards her

Oh boy! You will !!!

 

 

I think SHE and her family, and my family, and All of You online put yourself in my shoes (or remember how your own shoes felt) and feel anger at HER for what she did.

I don't feel anger at her. Maybe I would if I knew her and you prior to all of this. Mostly I feel sorry for her. Its not like you had a BAD relationship and she got out. She's young, had her first love, and has decided to travel on from that. I PITY her because of the character she has evolved into - one who thinks it is okay to be dishonest and cheat on men. Perhaps her girlfriends taught her all that as you said. But, in the end, it is your old girlfriend who decided it was okay to be dishonest and engage in sexual and emotional infidelity. Her mom did this to her dad. Her dad took her mom back. They must have worked it out. They were married, had a kid, and her dad took this risk and protected the family. BUT you were not married and should be very cautious about EVER being involved with people who have tasted this cheating thing. Studies show that a person who has cheated once is curable, but still more likely to repeat the behavior. A person who has cheated twice is practically lost to the behavior. And this is not cheating twice on one person. This is cheating twice, period. It includes people who are involved with cheaters. They are really cheating, too.

 

 

I simply feel love, confusion yes, anger yes, but mostly love and hope...

This is the stage you are in.

 

 

I feel maybe she thinks I am not calling her because I am angry at her...and shes not calling me because she doesn't want to hurt me any more...

Who knows? Who cares? We may never know. She is busy going forward, yes. Knowing that your pattern of contact has changed, she is now more free to move on. I'd also bet good money she is not calling you also because she is embarrassed. Plus, since your pattern of contact has changed, she is likely too cowardly to hear what you may now have to say. I guarantee you she will call you, someday. It might be years, 'though.

 

 

Obviously she wants space from me still, and is talking to her new boyfriend all the time probably...obviously she is doing better than I am...

Heck no. You are doing much better. You are learning a lot. Your heart is OPENING WIDE!! Hers is shutting down. This is her choice and it is necessary to live the life she is choosing.

 

She's all skanked out and busy about her new single life which will be wrought with more pain, dishonesty, and chaos. Somebody (some alpha promiscuous typpe not capable of real love I'd guess) is gonna break her shallow heart. She may bounce from this and call you and you should not let her back in your inner circle LONG after she has decompressed from her first heart break. Tell her "you're sorry you know how it feels good luck call me when you are over him say hi to your mom and dad and tell them i love them very much bye for now". She will cheat on you, again, I'd predict.

 

 

I fear that she will learn to not care about me soon, and forget me completely...

She already does not really care about you. She cares about seeming as if she cares about you. She is trying to have some consistency in her self-image that she is basically a good person. Her actions do not show that she cares.

 

I also guarantee you that as she matures she will recognize how important you were in her life. I talk to my highschool sweetheart rarely because her husband does not approve of us talking and I fully support HIM if that is the way he feels. I love her and do not want to affect her family and home life. But I do know she thinks of me often as I do her. I mean we grew up together. It was the best love relationship I've had. But remember cyp - we never cheated on one another. Never! And it was I who strayed, not her. And I got out before getting into it with another person.

 

I'm on e-harmony and there is a question about who was the singlemost influential person in our lives. I cannot tell you how many women actually say that it was their first boyfriend. (I wonder if they cheated on them).

[Cyprian]

I understand what you are saying about the stage that I am in. You don't know HER though...I do... I really truly think I am doing the wrong thing by not contacting her. I can't type I can't think! I wish I believed in GOD! I need to call her...

[cantexplain]

I understand what you are saying about the stage that I am in. You don't know HER though...I do... I really truly think I am doing the wrong thing by not contacting her. I can't type I can't think! I wish I believed in GOD! I need to call her...

 

I am curious. Why do you think a belief in God would make a difference here? I am not saying it would not, I just don't know how someone who is atheist would know how such a belief would make a difference.

 

Yes I don't know her at all I'm guessing she is quite attractive and quite dangerous as a dishonest cheater type. I recognize how she has behaved and that is enough for me to know.

 

So what result do you hope to achieve by contacting her?

 

Hear this voice you are addicted to and need to get off of?

 

Make her love you again?

 

Let her see you to be in a state of mind over this and thus want to come back to you? -hah!

 

Listen to your problems because she knows you? And then want to get away further and move toward some guy who likely is not overwhelming her with his problems?

 

I do think it would be counter-productive to contact her and say that you do not want to contact her. I'm sure she knows you like you say she does, and is bright enough to recognize that, in spirit, you do want to contact her. Remember, you want to move away from this situation, not toward it. The longer you do No Contact the more attractive you will seem to her - and the closer you will be toward getting balanced for school, work, your future in whatever from it may take.

 

Nights are the hardest.

 

Is there a friend you can call to go out with? or talk to? How about family? Your parents? Do you have any siblings or cousins?

 

I've been through some tough break-ups (in one case I was also bonded to my ex's daughter and she to me and my ex was sleeping with her old boyfriend the WHOLE time she went out with me!) - and as sorry as this sounds - movies and tv did a good job getting me through it all. But sitting at this computer too much, or trying to read or study, gives a lot of open mental space for these obsessive thoughts to come back into the mind.

[Cyprian]

I am curious. Why do you think a belief in God would make a difference here? I am not saying it would not, I just don't know how someone who is atheist would know how such a belief would make a difference.

 

I just feel that I am all alone now. It seems that those people who believe in God could speak with him, and have reassurance that someone is watching over them. They have a certain sense that everything has its reasons...God works in mysterious ways...etc.

 

So what result do you hope to achieve by contacting her?

 

I want her to remember me, the good me, not the crying pathetic baby, but the me who she fell in love with. I want her to think of me when she hears a song, or looks at the sky at night. I want her to remember the good times we spent together, not the bad...I know you might say, "Of course she remembers all these things..." but the truth is that I think her infatuation with this new guy is clouding her remembrance of me, and that compared to what WE had, this guy seems much better...

 

I want to say something beautiful to her, a poem I might write, or simply the perfect words that will make her feel warm inside, that will remind her of me...

 

I'm sure she knows you like you say she does, and is bright enough to recognize that, in spirit, you do want to contact her. Remember, you want to move away from this situation, not toward it. The longer you do No Contact the more attractive you will seem to her - and the closer you will be toward getting balanced for school, work, your future in whatever from it may take.

 

Thanks. I needed to hear that. I need to go back and read through some of those pages that the veterans typed up on NC. I remember reading them a day ago or so and feeling like I just did when I read what you typed above.

 

Is there a friend you can call to go out with? or talk to? How about family? Your parents? Do you have any siblings or cousins?

 

I've been hanging out with friends and family often. I have a large family and have lots of people to talk to. It isn't really helping much though. When I go out with my friends I don't want to be a downer on them so I try to act happy when really inside I feel horrible. With my family, however, I don't really hide how I feel, and I bet they are getting annoyed with me being depressed and not talkative all the time. I feel like I just stare at my hands all day.

 

Man I hope I get through this OK. I wish I could go back in time, or forward in time. Anywhere but here...

 

Anyway, thanks again for your advice and your words. I am going to do my best to get through this. If I do get through this it will be my greatest accomplishment ever.

[cantexplain]

I just feel that I am all alone now. It seems that those people who believe in God could speak with him, and have reassurance that someone is watching over them. They have a certain sense that everything has its reasons...God works in mysterious ways...etc.

Have you ever studied astrophysics or cosmology? Now that stuff makes a believer out of anyone, even Carl Sagan and Einstein and others. Its all quite fascinating. The steps forward we've made in the understanding of the universe in just the past ten years are phenomenal.

 

During a break-up talking to that something (the he-she-it-and-everything-known-and-unknown) is helpful for me. Who knows? Maybe I am just talking to myself when I won't otherwise listen to myself? A meditative chant but in mostly intelligible English if you will - is how it works for me. At least in this talking to myself - over and over and over - some answers begin to emerge. Don't ask for what you want. Ask for relief, cleansing, answers, the will of the universe...

Man you are so right that healing from a situation like this is a big challenge. Life, however, will likely toss you harder stuff when you are ready. There is a lot of bad, horrible stuff out there.

 

I can see that you are getting better.

 

I know what you mean about talking your head off to friends and family about this. They don't get it how painful this is - or if they do they really just want to slap you into seeing that your life is ahead of you now that you are rid of someone who has betrayed your trust AND who is going her own way and without you.

 

I want her to remember me, the good me, not the crying pathetic baby

 

Yes, another reason not to call her.

 

I am glad to hear you have a large family and lots of people to talk to. I say go ahead and hang with them, try not to cry on their shoulders too often or too long - but hang and be despondent if that is the way you feel. Its ok. You need to be around people, especially now, because you are feeling so alone.

 

Are you in or near a big city?

 

If so, check out link removed and perhaps find a group of people doing something you are interested in - just another thought.