AustinGuy Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 My wife told me she slept with another guy last week. This is the first time she's done this since we were divorced almost 5 years ago. I immediately freaked out and had the immediate urge to try to reconcile. Just some back story - we have always remained friends and have always maintained an on again off again relationship even after the divorce. We are(were) still physical with each other, etc. I would like to hear any other similar stories and any advice anyone out there might have. Thanks Link to comment
Jeff777 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Why didn't you feel the necessity to break it off completely? Link to comment
AustinGuy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Because I still love her and have now realized what I was losing. Now she doesn't want anything to do with me because she's already given me a million chances. Now I'm ready to committ and she isn't. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hi There, Well... I would have to say that after being married, and then being divorced for 5 years and not during any point during those 5 years deciding to work it out, your wife has the right to move on, as you do as well. What complicates it is that you have been intimate with her throughout without that commitment. Tell me, what changed now that you know she slept with someone else, that wasn't there before? You had already lost her before when you divorced. Link to comment
AustinGuy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 I think what changed is that for the very first time, there was a real possibility that I could lose her forever. Granted this was a one night stand, but I guess I just came to the realization that I really need her in my life. That I love her and that I don't want to lose her. Actually just got back from lunch with her and she told me again how she isn't interested, which really sucked. I feel really guilty about not recognizing what a great person she actually is. Link to comment
flower99 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Similar story My ex finacee (father of my child) and I went through the same thing. We were together for a year & a half. Broke up, but remaind friend with on & off intimency for 3 years after. Me giving a million chances, hopeing we could work this out, hopeing he would realize I was the one he wanted to be with. But something held him back & that hurt me. I wanted someone who was sure of me. When i finally did move on.....he freaked. But I was a little mad at him, he had 4.5 years to figure out what he had...he didn't care to. I think it's just the fear of losing me that set it off, not that his eyes were finally opened. Just now when it was real to him he could lose me he was willing to work on it. But it was too little too late. I deserved someone who knows that I'm the one, who won't risk losing me, who will cherish me........ You had a long time to figure things out...like you said she gave you a million chances. How much longer did you expect her to wait? Honestly Austin guy, I think your wife may very well be a great person. But the fact is, you haven't seen that for 5 years. So I think that says that you didn't value your relationship enough to reconcile it. Maybe she wasn't the one...and you are both right to move on. And the desire to fix things, is only comeing from your fear of change & losing her to someone else. Not because you want to marry her (or you would have acted much sooner). When you let go of your past, you can move on to your future. It is scarey at times....but good always come of it. And maybe you will remain friend....my ex & I have managed too. Even though I am engaged to someone else now...there is still a special spot for him in my heart.. I feel really guilty about not recognizing what a great person she actually is Don't feel guilty...It sucks you that you didn't see it...But The way i see it is everything happens for a reason....you two got divorced for a reason, you didn't want to make it work for a reason. And now when you're ready to, she is no longer ready too...For a reason. Maybe the reason is...It's not meant to be. I'm sorry for your pain. But trust that if it was meant to work, you two would have been on the same page at some point in the last 5 years. There is some more out there for you, a women who you will love & cherish for all she is, without a doubt in your mind. Wish your ex happiness, and move into your future. Link to comment
chai714 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 You said, Wife slept with first person since divorce Then you said, This is the first time she's done this since we were divorced almost 5 years ago. Austin, she's not your wife. Furthermore, she is not loyal to you. Why are you pursuing a relationship that has been declared legally dead? My advice is to quit being so called "friends" with your ex-wife. Hearing her sex stories with other men is going to make you feel bad about yourself. Now is the the best time as ever to live your own life and heal from this divorce - without her. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I know it is painful; but after five years of being divorced it is certainly time for her to move forward with her life; and time for you to move forward with yours as well. Maintaining this physical and on-off relationship with her is really holding you both back, and hurting you both in the healing journey. Honestly, if you have had five years to determine whether to give it another try or not, I think now you are reacting more out of a gut reaction than anything else at the idea of her being with someone else. The fact is that the moment you divorced she was free to be but chose not too...now she did. It is really time to move forward with your life. Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 We always want what we can't have! Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I am wondering too if this is just a knee jerk reaction to the finality that you are divorced... but you have been for 5 years... that is a long time not to know what's going on or if you'd like to reconcile. I think this is probably a case of too little too late on your part. Link to comment
GuitarmanIII Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Hi Austin Guy, I've read the posts above and know full-well what you're going through. Although I wasn't married to my X, your situation has many similarities to mine. I had over a year to make up my mind about taking our relationship to another level. I hesitated many times and by the time I'd made up my mind it was too late...she was with another guy. The other guy loved her immediately and unconditionally, and she deserves all that and more. At first I was floored with remorse and guilt (my posts back in August say it all...I went a bit nuts due to my situation)....I still am today. Do I want want what I can't have? Can I see why things didn't work out? Well perhaps, but now that the dust has settled I realize what a wonderful person she was/is and how it was a grave mistake fopr me to let her get away. It really does suck...but I think the only way to get passed this is to start NC. Do you really want to be the guy with a 'special place' in you X's heart...but not lover? Men are naturally territorial, and I can't think of a worse situation. But that's me. At first I was also aware of their sex-life. That has the same effect on your psyche as military torture...it burns so much... You've tried to reconcile. No get out and move on... Am I right? I don't know...but my two cents... G Link to comment
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