My situation

[Shady_Milkman]

Hey all, just found this place a couple of days ago, and am amazed to find such a mature, helpful community

 

My situation is fairly complicated, but I’ll do my best to make it as short as possible.

 

I am a 2nd year at uni, she a 1st year at a uni about 2 hours down the road. I’ve known her since middle school, and we became fast friends from day one. Our friendship blossomed into a relationship about 2 years ago, when I was a senior and she a junior at the same high school.

After my senior year, I went to the university I currently reside at, which is about an hour and a half from the high school, where she was to spend her senior year. With a bit of hesitance, we delved into LD relations, and made it work through her senior year. The tension in our relationship came almost exclusively from the distance, and we honestly resolved these issues as maturely as could be expected.

Things got interesting when it was time for her to accept a college. She was willing to come to my college, but we both knew she fell for another. Keeping with our mature decision making, we felt if it was to last between us, the distance didn’t matter, and she went to the other college, of which she currently resides.

The main issues which encompassed our LD relations was that she felt that she was calling/texting/etc me much more than I was her. The truth of the matter is that I am a bit more of an independent person than she, and I didn’t need as much affirmation in our relationship to be comfortable.

This was always an underlying issue, but came to a boiling point in November. We agreed to end our relationship mutually, but we both know that it was more my doing, as I felt she was being too clingy, and it was leading to fights.

In the six weeks that followed, our relations were much as they always were. She still called me as often, and I was just as content and comfortable. The only difference was that the “I love you”s were replaced with “I miss you”s on her side, and even then that wasn’t really a rule, more of a guideline. I don’t really know how I was feeling then, but I can tell you now that I felt comfortable with it all, and had no objection. My love for her had and has never wavered in the least, but the prospect of getting back together was never brought up on either side.

This all culminated during winter break, when we were both home for a few weeks. We hung out as usual, and were even intimate. This did, however, lead to some awkwardness that wasn’t really addressed.

When we both went back to our respective uni’s, the pattern continued for about 5-6 days, then dropped off. Dramatically. After reading a lot of posts here, I can see now that I needed a breather to get my feelings in order (which I hadn’t gotten as a result of continued relations), as I took that time to do so. I realized what was important, and that was being with her.

As I was coming to this conclusion, I became the one who did the calling, the roles seemingly reversed. She was receptive, but a bit distant. This isn’t to say that we didn’t have our usual wonderful convo’s, however, and I could feel myself becoming more concrete with my feelings.

I came home from school to celebrate her birthday with her and some other friends about a week and a half ago, and inevitably ended up alone with her by the end of the night. Just as I was to profess my feelings, she hit me with the dreaded “So, I have to say something”. She told me she was to see other people, and had moved on from us. At first, I was too dumbstruck to say anything but “ok”. Eventually, I ended up telling her how I felt, but to my horror, she was unwavering in her decision.

This lead to me making a fool of myself for the next 4-5 days, then eventually coming to terms somewhat, telling her I need to get over her myself, if this is how she truly feels. The one beacon I had during that time of foolishness, is that although she said she was over me, she couldn’t answer if she was still in love with me or not, stating she didn’t know.

I wanted to ask her to take time to figure it out, but I feared it was too late to say something like that, and it bordered on all the foolishness that I had been saying trying to keep her.

I’ve kept LC with her since that last talk (a few days), not being able to avert from checking facebook (to which I regret each time I see something on hers). Last night I called her because I learned she was about to go to urgent care, and wanted to know what was up. She called back later, which lead to a very light, somewhat cordial convo, with laughing and no reference to our status whatsoever. She had ample chance to end the convo, as did I, but we talked for a good 20 minutes.

Obviously, I’d like to reconcile.

I was looking for some feedback on the situation, I’ve been thinking about her constantly, and this day of NC has been tough as hell. I know the popular response will be to wait it out with the NC, see if she comes back, and if not move on, which I can totally see and am attempting… Maybe I needed to just get it out.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it was super long. I plan on updating with my current feelings/ how I’m doing with it if it garners interest.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

Welcome to ENA.

 

My apologies first bc I am about to reiterate the "popular response" of which you are already aware:

 

It does seem like you have done all that you can do at this point.

 

She knows how you feel.

She knows you want to reconcile.

 

Yet she is choosing NOT to address this issue.

 

If you are comfortable w/ keeping in light contact with her, I don't see why you would need to initiate NC.

 

HOWEVER, if you find that you think about her 24/7 after your brief contacts and this is hindering you from moving on with your healing and excerbates the urgency of a reconciliation, THEN, you might want to consider starting NC. Trying to maintain emotional/mental stability is very important, after all.

 

Bottom line is: while she may still "love" (or is still "in love" with) you, she is making a conscious decision NOT to get back together with you at this juncture (sorry if this sounds harsh).

 

Per her current resistance against a reconciliation, it'd be best for you to focus on powering through with your own life, IMHO.

 

What do you think?

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting right now but please do hang in there.

 

Sending best wishes your way,

Ellie

[Shady_Milkman]

Thanks, this whole situation still has a ring of surreality to it, but I appreciate your comments.

 

Concerning the NC issue, right now I feel that it's probably the best chance of reconciliation, especially concerning that she couldn't give me a straight answer when asked if she is still in love with me.

I figure that it will be the best chance to remind her what she's missing while allowing me to start a moving on process in case she continues on her current path.

Is that wrong/ being too wishful? I feel like I'm assuming she's even thinking about it at all, but I honestly believe she is after all that's happened.

 

The situation gets tricky, however, when taking into account that we're best friends, and both want to continue a friendship. I know this is not always feasible, but I feel that it is in our case more than most.

Again, is that looking through rose-colored glasses on my part? Admittedly, it is difficult to distinguish, and I guess rightfully so.

Thinking about it, could LC prove more effective than NC, given that the LC is all in maturity and never enters the whole past aspect?

 

It all seems so counter-intuitive, not getting my feelings accross, especially to the only person I really trust with them in the first place. (definitely out of character of me to post like this.) I wish there was a way to, but realize that there really isn't.

 

Thanks again.

[Ellie2006]

Hi again,

 

I completely understand where you're coming from.

 

If you have been browsing through the forums, this statement is probably the most oft-repeated regarding NC: NC is NOT to bring your ex back; you do it to heal yourself by safeguarding yourself from information about your ex' post-breakup life that is bound to hurt you.

 

It does sound like you two have been relying on each other as somewhat of an emotional crutch to get over the initial shock of breaking up; perhaps if you cease ALL contact with her, this may jolt her into a realization of some sort, but then you have to prepare yourself for either scenario:

 

Sc. 1) She realizes that she misses you terribly and that she made a huge mistake by breaking up with you and then makes sincere attempts to reconcile

 

Sc. 2) She realizes that she is okay with NOT talking to you and NOT hearing from you so often as she is making new friends and is getting acclimated to her new college life (and new friends).

 

Of course, scenario one is one we all secretly hope will happen but this is not always the case.

 

Please do NC for the right reason: to help yourself heal.

 

If you do it for the wrong reason -- to get your ex back -- then you might as well not do NC at all bc you'll probably end up thinking about your ex even more throughout the duration of NC as your focus will be on how NC affects *HER* and not how it is benefitting YOU.

 

The bottom line: the aim of NC is to STOP thinking about our exes.

 

If NC makes you think more about your ex, then what's the point? You might as well keep in light (or even full) contact with your ex.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Take care of yourself ....

[Shady_Milkman]

Thanks for the response.

 

I guess I can't honestly say that I'd be doing NC only to move on, but I am honest in saying that it is part of it.

 

More than anything, I want to at least continue NC until she contacts me, as she hasn't initiated contact at all, and I want to see if it is even worth it to her to continue any sort of relationship whatsoever- friendship or otherwise.

At the same time, I can't shake the thought of her realizing what she is missing, and I know I should, but easier said than done, for sure.

I dont know... what d'you think?