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Am I right to be jealous??


Fen

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First post... but I need some third party advice from folks who know neither of us.

 

Ok... here is the story and it is an out of the ordinary one. My girlfriend and I have only been dating for maybe 3 months now. However, we were together last year for another 3 and even the time when we were not together she usually stayed here with me. The long break had to do because she just could not get over her ex even though she knew it was over.

 

Long story short, we are now together again, but I can't help but be jealous of this guy who she is friends with. She has mostly guy friends and while most I don't mind, there is this fellow I would just pound into the ground if I had the chance. She had not seen him for years although she knew him a long time ago. All of a sudden maybe in oh... September (we were not together then), she saw him at an outing for another of her friends who was leaving town. Anyways, she rekindled her friendship with him and all of a sudden, he is asking her to do things constantly even paying for her when they went out. She was still staying with me and I was more than a little uncomfortable with it. At one point when she said the guy had no interest in her, he invited her to his mother's birthday party ( * * *??). She went and I totally blew up when she got back. I told her it was him or me. So she said she would see him less.

 

Anyways, she saw him less for a while and we did get back together. However now, the guy asks her out nearly each day again. All she has to do is power on her laptop and within 60 seconds he opens a chat window. I tell her it is obvious he likes her but she insists he does not. But how could he not be interested when he goes out of his way to see her. I mean if he even gets wind that she will be going out with some friends, he will just conveniently be there. Just this weekend he bought a ticket for a banquet she was going to that had nothing to do with him (I was not going as it was a business event for students to meet entrepreneurs). It is up to the point that whenever I am out elsewhere, she goes out with him or spends her evening talking to him. The worst part is he basically made a point to make friends with ALL her friends so no matter who she goes out with he has an excuse to be there.

 

The problem with me is no matter how much I say I do not like it, she tells me it's her life and to get over it. It is causing major stress and not one day goes by that I don't think I should just dump her and get a girlfriends who doesn't spent as much time with another guy as she does with me.

 

Now before folks jump on me, here are some things to consider :

- Another of her long time friends I was jealous of and told her had feelings for her- which she of course denied- confessed his feelings for her. (gasp!)

- At one point this summer, she met a guy at a bar and I told her either to get out of my life or to stop talking to him. I stopped talking to her briefly and she eventually realized he was just an idiot who wanted her body, but not before putting out to him. (double gasp!)

- She hardly ever tells me she loves me even though I tell her every day how much I love her.

- She has no sexual needs whatsoever. If she gets turned on once a week it feels like a miracle. She says it's all inside her but how can I not ask myself if it is just that I am not attractive to her eyes.

 

At this point just the fact that I still love her and remain with her shows how much I care deeply for her. Could it be that my jealousy is just a feeling of inequity in myself??? Personally from the things to consider and how she gets on the defensive and spends probably as much time with this guy as she does with me , I think I am damn right to be jealous and it is just a matter of time before I get screwed over.

 

I am at a crossroads here... I know that for a long time had I told her to choose between him or me, she would have picked me (and probably been unhappy forever), but at this point, I don't even know anymore.

 

The worst part is she sees what this does to me but yet will only tell me to stop trying to control her. The guy knows what this does to me, she told him and well all he does is call of chat with her all the more. I would bet everything I own that within a few weeks of us breaking us should it happen he would ask her out. In fact, I sometimes wish it was so just so she could see I was right all along and even then she would probably not see it!

 

So here I am, asking for advice... is there any chance of saving this relationship or am I just delaying the inevitable.

 

Thanks...

A very depressed guy.

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Instead of asking her to choose you should put your foot down and you choose whther or not she is worth all this anguish you are feeling. If she is able to be with another guy more than you and also be able to say that its her life ..well you are apart of that life to.

 

Anyways i think you should really think hard if you want to put up with it.

 

good luck

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I wish I could give you good news, but honestly, there really isn't anything good to say about this. You're perfectly entitled to feel as you do from your description of events, and it might even be said that your gf is using you to some extent: the guy who will be there no matter what she does, so she will just carry on doing what she wants, when she wants.

 

The most damning part to me is not that she spends all the time with the guy (although that's unusual to say the least), but that she just doesn't care that it makes you unhappy (quite reasonably by most measures). She's telling you that your feelings don't count. You deserve better.

 

If you're absolutely determined to try and make it work, then at least consider going on a break, and telling her straight what is and isn't acceptable to you, and asking if she wants a relationship on that basis or not. I don't like those sort of ultimatum negotiations generally, but in this case there really isn't anything else you can do to try and keep things alive. You certainly can't continue as you are. To be honest, though, you've shown that she has a pattern of this behaviour, and no amount of pressure from you can ultimately force her to change until she's ready for that step herself. You can plant the idea and wait, but you might be waiting a long and painful time with no guarantees. If it were me, I'd cut my losses and move on, however painful it might be in the short term.

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Sorry you are so depressed but I think she is playing a silly game and you should simply refuse to play.

 

I doubt an ultimatum would work. So I think ending the relationship is the best course. She may decide to say that she will give him up but I think you should be ready for it to be really over and done with.

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Well my man, get ready for some tough love.

while most I don't mind, there is this fellow I would just pound into the ground if I had the chance.

And why is this? Because he's pressing up on your girl? What does he owe you? He's not in the relationship with you, your girl is so you need to squarely put this on her. She's the one with the responsibility to keep things in order. He owes you nothing.

 

I told her it was him or me. So she said she would see him less.

That's not a compromise, that's you caving. The dude is obviously interested in her and she knows it. She's just looking for you to stick up for yourself and draw a line for her not to cross.

 

- At one point this summer, she met a guy at a bar and I told her either to get out of my life or to stop talking to him. I stopped talking to her briefly and she eventually realized he was just an idiot who wanted her body, but not before putting out to him. (double gasp!)

I would say you need to explain exactly what happened, but any possibility I could think of is bad. The precedent has been set, she can hook up with another guy and get back together with you. There's no going back in this one, she has every reason to believe that she could do it again and have you back.

 

- She hardly ever tells me she loves me even though I tell her every day how much I love her.

Don't ignore the sign. She has emotionally detached from you. This is a classic result from a girl who's been with a guy with a "nice guy" (fake) doormat personality. Signs like this always tells me that the relationship is fractured and on the way out.

 

- She has no sexual needs whatsoever. If she gets turned on once a week it feels like a miracle. She says it's all inside her but how can I not ask myself if it is just that I am not attractive to her eyes.

She has lost interest in you. This is probably the most obvious way it manifests itself in women.

 

At this point just the fact that I still love her and remain with her shows how much I care deeply for her.

More importantly it shows her that you have no self confidence and this pushes girls away.

 

The only thing she sees are a lot of empty threats. They don't even make a dent with her anymore.

 

You should be jealous, but you express it wrong. It comes accross in a way where she doesn't take it seriously and she knows she can just overpower you and make it go away. How strong can you care about her if you allow this kind of thing to happen? This is the question running through her mind.

 

There's a lot of self improvement you have to go through before you are able to have successful relationships.

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Some harsh words, not to say that you are not right (to the last poster).

 

I am really thinking on my options and always hoping she will change but then again, everyone who posts here always harbors that hope.

 

Thank you for the replies and the pity. It felt good to just be able to get it all out, I don't have a confidant to speak with.

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